tarar's Journal

Been super healthy recently... stopped eating out. i have to get myself back on the work out side of this though... i used to be so motivated to get home and get on the treadmill but i just can't seem to get there yet. By the time i get home and make dinner it seems like its so late.

So i went to the doctor and here's a big problem... i have a condition called Cystocele... basically what it means is that my bladder is falling. So i went to a walk in clinic and this is what the doc had said to me... well I don't know... I went to the doc in the first place because it felt like my insides (uterus) was pushing outwards... so this doc tells me to keep an eye on it... well does anyone ahve any suggestions as to how i keep an eye on my bladder? So he's telling me its not serious... I'm 31 years old, never had natural child birth, never been obese... all causes of this condition... how does this happen??? he tells me its just my anatomy... nice clinical diagnosis i get... so now i have to wait 2 weeks to see my family doc and see what she says... my friends mom works for a doc and she said the condition needs to be fixed right away... surgery is the option... just great... so i'm not sure if i shoudl even be workign out at this point... i guess i have a good excuse?? at least until the next appointment anyway! Well i am a bit freaked out but it could also be worse... a fallen uterus results in a hystorectomy so at least thats not the issue... just yet anyway. They would basically have to sew my bladder back into place... does this mean diapers by the time i'm 40?? i hope not!

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Ok so i pulled out the scale from under my bed this morning... figured i may as well face the music and really... i'm just where i left off.
though last week i bought some new jeans and reached for the 16 as per usual and they were too big. I'm into a 14 now. Wierd... i feel skinnier yet the scale hasn't budged... maybe it's broken and really doesn't work... LOL

ITs all about how you feel anyway... RIGHT??? yup!

where have i been... well i've been kicking it in Toronto as always... i don't go out so much anymore and I do miss that but its also nice to just stay in and watch TV and hang out and stuff. Work has really kept me on my toes too... Our warehouse manager left so who does it fall to??? ME!! so yeah i had to run the warehouse for the summer... and still now... but shpping is slow now.

I guess i shoudl start listing my goals everyday again... i need new pics of me too... i've really changed a lot in teh last few months... I'm dressing better and feeling better... Its nice to dress up everyday... its amazing what it can do for ones self image. I wear skirts and heels everyday now... i feel sexy therefore i am sexy!

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I keep getting these emails about Calorie Count and think I really should go back and see whats going on. I"ve been doing really well in my life and things are now starting to settle back down at the office. I haven't been on a scale since June so I have no clue how much I weigh... June and now it's NOvember... my how time flies by. I've made a lot of changes in my life...

1. Quit Smoking... August 17th.
2. Drinking.... no more than once a week PLUS it made the smoking eaiser to deal with
3. Learning to say NO... I mean to needy and aggressive people that don't take no for an answer... it's gotta be about me
4. I've dropped to a size 14... back in Jan when i first found this place i was an 18 so that's pretty cool and i'm happy!

There are other things i am putting back into my life. I'm staying home more and not worrying about boys so much... the right man will come along when the time is right. i've got to just focus on me and Kristen now. I've really made a decision to stop allowing other people's negative attitudes and issues affect my life and my thoughts... hence cutting my sister out of my life... i know it seems harsh but really its for the best.

I'm signing up for school starting in Jan. I'm going to finish my edumacation... maybe be more smarter when i'm done. I'm tired of not getting paid what i'm worth so maybe with a piece of paper they'll see my value?

It hit me recently that had i stuck with this i would have hit my goal by now. Not something to stress over but to think about... the time flew by... November was so far away back in Jan... and it's here now... that means i can hit my goal by Spring now if i really stick to it... something to think about... time really flies by when you're having fun

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I've been away so long... wow! Its been crazy super busy at work and my computer died but now I have a new one at home... just got it the other day... and it's going good at work.

Been doing well... I'm at 210. Just started to exercise again and i fell and hurt myself. I was running across teh street downtown and caught my heel on teh street car track and went flying... really it was the funniest thing. I stood up and was laughing so hard but it was so embarrassing too! The bad news... i sprained my knee of all things!!! So i can barely walk now... arghhh. Gonna do the sit ups still tho. My stomach is getting a bit flatter and well i feel good.

Been eating so healthy too and the weather has been so great and Its just been a good few weeks for me.

Well gonna go and read and catch up on everyone now.

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Only 5 hours left till the weekend and i hope they let us off early. Just got back with some good lunch... I went to Longo's and got some salad bar stuff. Not sure what its like in the states but we have grocery stores here that have make your own salad bars so its great. Got some lettuce, bean medley in vinegarette and tuna salad in vinagrett... no mayo stuff and its sooo good.

The cottage is in a town called Orillia. It's about an hour and a half north of toronto. Looks like it'll be a few girls on the lake just chilling. We may head over to the Kee to Bala for a concert on Saturday night. about 20 minutes or so from the cottage and the Kee's are always packed on the weekends especially the long ones... near gravenhurst for those of you that may know it. It'll be really nice to get away for a couple days.

Starting to feel a lot better health wise since getting back on the healthy food so thats good. Haven't lost any weight this week though but really its all about how you feel anyway. It's so nice when I get teh comments..."there's no way you're 209 lbs" and well I'm lucky that I'm tall and carry it well... wouldn't mind unloading it though... haha.

My computer is still totally out of order... looking into getting a new one shortly. It was so old and when I cleaned it out I didn't back up anything and we can't find the software for it so guess time to move on... gotta soon cus I'm dieing without the internet and MSN at home!

Have a great weekend!!!

Tara =)

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not reallymuch to say today.

Been keeping busy with work and stuff. Still haven't booked that doctor appointment for my knee yet... gotta do that soon.

Getting ready for the long weekend and a trip to the cottage.

Been doing OK with the food and calories and keeping them around 1200.

I'll be hopefully starting my part-time job next week - going back to serving but only 2 days a week. At least it'll be exercise... as long as I don't eat the restaurant food. I really need the extra cash right now.

Have a great day!

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So I got on the scale today again... 2 days in a row! And its at 212 still... to be expected. I did well yesterday though and only had some rice and shrimp for dinner... until the popcorn... but still did good iwth the calories.

I didn't do any of my goals yesterday... I totally forgot it was the last Grey's Anatomy 2 hour show... OMG was it soooo good... and who will Meredith choose?

So off to a good start today anyway... Had bran and skim milk iwth honey for breakfast... only 2 coffees... Off to get a bottle of water now... and I'm starving! Going to get an applesauce or a cup-a-soup. Got both in my desk. Thinking a big salad for lunch... and I'm on my own for dinner which is good - Kristen is with Daddy.

Last night about that dinner iwth the X - OK he's not the pshcho type at all - so I call him at like 4 and say OK lets go for dinner and he says... "oh... i was going to cook dinner for my mom" so i was like OH... so he said can I bring Kristen home later? sure i said... and I guess I'll just grab a slice of pizza then since you're not taking me out anymore... and he just said OK! WTF is that? Was he just saying that whole dinner thing to see if i would say yes? Or maybe he just assumed I'd say no... since the last 3 times he's asked I've said no... or maybe b/c Kristen was going to come and he wants to just take me so he can try and win me back... WELL... forget it... if he thinks he's going to get a 'yes' from me every again he's wrong. He didn't even take her shoppig to get me a Mother's Day gift... the dinner was instead of... But my Mom did... Thank goodness for Moms - enough ranting!

Since I'm alone tonight I'm going to get on that damn Eliptical... it worries me about my knees now... not sure if they can take it. I could barely stand when I awoke at 5am for a bathroom break... but i will try.

have a great day =)

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Ok... weekend was OK... spent Saturday in bed with a pail... but Sunday was great. Got breakfast in bed and even coffee... hmmm... anyone want to imagine the taste of coffee made by a 9 year old? LOL... suck it up and drink it! She did it through the coffee maker and everything though so at least the grinds weren't sooo bad.

Computer is still not fixed. the problem is that its so old he can't find the right drivers? whatever... guess I'll get a new one then. I'm going to try and borrow a laptop from work for a bit until I can afford one. I'm going nuts without the internet! AHHHH!!

So I got on the scale this morning and I'm up 3lbs... would that be the chocolate cake resting on my a$$??? hmmmm... it was good though and how can you pass on cake on Mother's Day. NOt too stressed over it. what can you do?

Off to a good start today though. Got my wheat bread and peanut butter that I've not had a chance to touch yet cus I've been busy training the summer help... she works here every summer tho so at least she's got the basics.

No Phil this weekend but we did text each other - I was up in Aurora so long distance.  Aurora is about 40 minutes north of me... that friend with the husband that left her I mentioned last week. We had a good times and wine and tears... I feel so bad for her.

So the EX wants to take me out for dinner tonight for Mother's Day... do I go??? haha.. free dinner... can order something really expensive like Lobster... haha.

Goals today
1) 5 bottles of water
2) Friut... need to eat more fruit
3) Switch to Eliptical see if that is better on the knees.

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Exhaustion is kicking in... I could seriously put my head on my desk right now and sleep until noon. THe play was great last night. We got there late so only saw 2 of the 3... Kristen laughed so hard. The show is part of the Sears Drama Festival and the plays are all written by students and directed by students etc... and they were great... We even laughed at the French one even though we don't speak french... it was pretty entertaining.

My computer should be fixed shortly... the EX is working on it for me... great to have an ex that will do anything  you ask... cus he wants you back. Can't do it though. Sometimes I think it would just be easier to get back with him but then I remember he cheated the bastard... what is it with men and their in ability to be faithful? And then they lose the best thing they ever had and want it all back the way it was... I just can't live a life where every time he leaves the house I wonder... and the worst part is that he still has never admitted anything happened or was about to happen... he just so happened to be naked in our home with a stripper who was dressed and the chain lock on... hmmm... how can you possibly explain yourself out of that??? you can't!

Well here's to a great weekend and MOTHER's DAY too... Happy mother's day to everyone...

Goals for the weekend cus I can't get on a computer...
1) NO junk
2) Relax
3) Get some sleep!

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its been a crazy week...

Start with Phil - Phil is a guy that I'm just in total head over heels with... he's just so cute and sweet and he makes me happy. I met him almost 4 months ago while out downtown with the girls... part of a little contest... heehee... that I actually lost involving boys but my loss... ended up with me meeting Phil! Contest - who could bring a guy to the table first... Jenn won (my friend in the pic) and Paul joined us inviting all his friends with him and OMG in walks Phil... looks a bit like Ashton Kuther... trucker hat wearing looks like he could be on that 70s show... Well Paul never called Jenn but I called Phil... and the saga goes on and on and on. I only see him every 3 weeks or so... he works 3-midnight... i work 8:30-5... he also does freelance... he's a graphic designer, pre press touch up, magazine print etc... so he's basically working all the time... so he'll call at like 1 or 2am when he gets home from work... sometimes i'm sleeping other times I'm running over to see him. The big problem with Phil is that he is saving is pennies to move away from toronto. he wants to leave by the end of the year and is thinking Denmark... SO... not really relationship potential and he also only stayed to this point b/c of his x-girlfriend who broke up with him about a year ago... so he started saving to get out... and so doesn' want to get involved... arghhhh! He's 29, single, lives on his own works hard... did i mention HOT? SO basically I see him when I can but I'm keeping my options open...

That leads me to last night... the Date with James! went to a Jay game... played Oakland and we won and it was a great game BUT... no attraction what so ever and well I don't need anymore friends... what can you do! Is it Phil that's on my mind??? yeah... was thinking around 11 last night... wonder what he's doing... and i'm downtown... hmmm... was still with James too! not good. FOOD - didn't do so good but it was a baseball game... beer... hotdogs... beer... ummmm... but today' been good.... had Tuna and home made macaroni salad and lots of water.

Tonight... I'm going to a play and its in French... don't speak french but there to support a student that i've worked with through SPC and she's awesome and lives far away so we'll get to meet finallY!

tomorrow... I get to babysit Kasandra... my other friends 4 month old daughter while she goes out. I'm very happy about that b/c she's just so cute! Bonus... get to stay in and not spend money PLUS will just chill and watch some TV.

Saturday... Going to visit a friend out of town who's husband just left her and their 4 kids for another woman... bastard... she's really hurting and we've not seen each other in almost a year so packing the car and off Kristen and I go... will be some wine and tears involved I'm sure BUT we'll have all those kids to get up early and treat us to breakfast on Mother's Day! yeah for us!!

SUnday... going to my parents and then i think i'll be going to BED! it's been exhausting... haven't been on the scale... aunt Flo just started about 30 minutes ago... and I'm tired and bloated so don't need the let down of a scale right now... I'll weigh in on Monday though so I can post it on the monthly goals and my weeks success... better be good ;-)

SO my goals are simple...
1) get some rest
2) get the crunches done
3) water

OH... and to top it all off the knees are getting worse and they now both are hurting so bad that its hard to walk up and dwon stairs... PLUS on left foot is all sore too... time for the doctor... i can't keep on going like this!

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