tincognito's Journal

Struggling

Feb 06 2009 08:27

Wow, this week has been a mess. =(

For about two weeks I was only eating two meals a day. I doubt I was under calories, as both meals were extremely caloric. This, I justified, was because I was waking up at noon and going to bed at 11:00 pm. So I really only had time in my day for two meals.

But for the past two days I've only eaten one meal. I think in part because my stomach got really upset three days ago and so the next day I didn't eat much.

And I think it's because I don't wake up with enough time to eat.

And I think it's due to stress, because classes are really stressing me out right now. And finances are stressing me out. I really want my fiance to say, "if I get my massive tax return, we'll put it down as a tent deposit" -- but he hasn't said it yet so I doubt he will. It sucks when you're not making any money and you feel guilty asking your SO for it, but honestly, this would be the first thing he has paid for. I paid the photographer deposit (which, granted, is only 1/2 of the tent deposit, but still) and I paid for 1/2 my dress and I'm going to pay for the rest of it today. And I paid rent this month all by myself! So while he normally pays for things, I really have done a lot, especially on my measly income that is maybe 1/8 of what he makes. (But it also means I have zero money now so I'll be lucky if I can buy groceries and I'll have to end up asking him for money anyway. Urgh.)

Anyway, I don't feel like eating anything right now after how badly I felt last night after dinner but I forced myself to eat a yogurt before I drove my fiance to the bus stop and I think I'm going to go make myself some soup and force myself to eat that too while I work on grammar.

I just felt like I needed to be accountable for my actions. Normally I love food... but right now I just don't feel like eating. =/

Food Log II

Jan 04 2009 02:03

Okay... Weight this morning: 152.0

Breakfast, Life Cereal and Milk (~400)

Lunch, Taco Bell, two beef Chalupas, hard taco, and a tad bit of Dr. Pepper. =/ (~1000)

Dinner, two slices of pizza. (~400)

Snacks.... heehee! Entire carton of strawberries with some chocolate fondue that luckily got burnt so I didn't eat much of it. (~200) Plus some honey roasted peanuts, yum! (~250)

Luckily, I worked today for eight hours, and would guesstimate that I burned at least 700 calories.... So that sets me at about 1550. Really need to actually enter this day though, because there are some things I really have no clue about like work and the strawberries. Urgh.

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Edited to add: So I entered it. Buh duh da dum! While I ate a whopping 2163 calories, I burned about 2840 (more than usual because of work.) So I still ended up with a heafy deficit of almost 700 cals. I'm happy, over all. =)

Food Log I

Jan 02 2009 23:10

Because I've been terrible about my eating, I'm going to start keeping a food log here. Why, you might ask, do I not just add it to the calorie thing this website is made for? Well, for two reasons.

One, I'm lazy. A lot of what I eat isn't in the calorie database and I don't feel like entering it.

Two, I get way too stressed trying to figure out the exact calories in everything. I'll guesstimate them here, and probably even enter as much as I can, but this is more about not making myself eat regularly so I don't feel like I'm going to faint. =/

Breakfast around 12:00 - Bowl of Life cereal with fat free milk. (~400)

Went back to sleep until about 4:30. Took down the Christmas tree and then rushed to go out to buy groceries. I felt pretty bad (as in, low sugar bad) at the grocery story and bought a fruit leather to munch and a vitamin water. (170)

Made meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and corn. Had three pieces with a HUGE glass of milk, but it was delish! (~800)

About to eat some strawberry sorbet. Nom nom! (~200)

So, about 1570 calories. Hmm. I wish I hadn't slept all day, but I think that was due to the massive headache I had. And the headache was due to not taking my BC pill the night before and so I had to take two last night. Ugh. Stupid hormones.

I could have done a lot of things better today... Hopefully tomorrow will be better. =/

Figured it out.

Dec 05 2008 12:13

Soooo... I weighed myself Wednesday... and I was 155.5! AH! (Granted I had two Thanksgivings and I ate an entire calzone Monday as well as a bag of gummy bears.)

I weighed myself Thursday because I was feeling pretty craptastic about 155.5 and I was 154. Wooohooo! But I figured that'd just be from the ridiculousness I ate near the weekend.

Then I weighed myself today, which is my normal weight day, and I was 153!

These leads me to conclude, because the drop was so steady and didn't fluctuate at all, that....

I NEED TO STOP PORKING OUT ON THE WEEKENDS OR I'M NEVAR GONNA LOSE ME NO WEIGHT!!!!!!!!!

Over the plataeu?

Nov 23 2008 19:10

For the past like 6 weeks I've been between 154-156. Which is okay, I figured it's the holidays, I can't resist peppermint ice cream, and as long as I maintain I'll be happy.

But on my Friday weight in I was 153.5. I was pretty shocked, but I chalked it up to luck. However, I weighed myself today just so I don't have high expectations next Friday, and I was 152.0! O_O

I dunno... I know I shouldn't get too exicted, but I'd be REALLY happy to be out of 154 and back on the weight LOSS track.

So we'll see.

Also -- Scared of Thanksgiving. All the family is going to be together. Nervous about seeing K. Afraid she's going to give me a hard time and I'm just going to take it like always, and I don't want to. =/ We'll see.

Edited to Add: Just ordered some size 8's from NY & Co. Their size 10's are just a little too big, now. I can slip them off without unbottoning/zipping with minimal difficulty. Should be noted that I currently only own their dress pants, and I ordered jeans, so there might be some differences. In a way, I hope they're almost too tight so I have something to shrink into. That's motivational! =)

Anyway, I only have one pair of jeans that actually fits me, the rest are so big even with a belt I almost have to wear a baggy t-shirt because if I wear anything slim they are just so bulky around the waist it's gross. =/ So even if they're too tight, I'll end up being force to wear them!

I do have a pair of pants I'm dreading to try on. I think I've only worn them three times. I'm waiting 'til I hit 150 to touch them, though. I think I bought them when I was 145.

On a kind-of related note: Why do all the sizes seem wrong? I measure myself around the waist and get 35", but all the size charts say 8-10 are somewhere around a 29"-30"?! Am I just measuring wrong? I dunno. Maybe I'm not hitting my "true" waist because I'm measuring around my belly button? Hmmm. I'll try again higher up...

Absolutely torn apart....

Nov 02 2008 22:43

So about a year ago I saw a cat I would've adopted on the spot had I not been living in school dorms. Although in the following months I often had dreams of this cat and almost something akin to a mild panic attack at the thought of it not being adopted, I managed to convince myself that it was taken in by some kind soul.

Well, at the adoption today I saw the EXACT same cat. If this isn't the same cat, then it's a serious sign, because I was convinced that it was the same cat. It hadn't been adopted yet. His poor little life is coming to an end without anyone to love on him.

I am absolutely a wreck over this cat. I have never been this bad before. I have always convinced myself that there is someone better equipped to care for an adoption cat then me.

But my heart is broken for this poor baby. He is eight, he's never had a home of his own, and he has FIV. He's currently in a good foster with a momma who loves him, but in a house with seven other fosters and three of her own cats, he doesn't get the attention a shy baby like him needs. I just would hate for him to die without ever having any personal attention shown to him, and especially as an FIV cat, the likelihood of him being adopted drops by the day.

The problem is that I just don't want to make it worse for him. We can't really afford a cat right now, and I'm not prone to acting irrationally. I don't want to have to give him up because of medical expenses. I don't want to stress him out with the moves we're sure to have. But I don't want him to die hiding in a closet, either.

I'm just so torn. I guess I'm going to think about it for a week or two and talk to a vet about anticipated medical expenses. I know he'll have to have some gum work done, but in addition, being HIV, any time he gets sick I'll have to rush him to a vet, and that's rough if the vet is expensive.

I am so outrageously upset.

I just don't know what to do.

Roast beef = delicious.

Oct 30 2008 21:53

I made some delicious roast beef. I never made such a tender roast beef. I think it was because I bought arm roast. Anyway, it was AMAZING. It totally just fell apart when I stuck a fork in it. I can't wait to make some yummy roast beef sandwichs. I didn't think I could make a beef that fell apart the same way pulled pork sandwichs did, but clearly I was wrong. =)

Anyway, that made me so happy tonight. Happy enough to ignore some homework I'm supposed to do.... Hehe. I'm so burnt out from this semester. =/ I'm not really concerned about my grades. As long as I make B's, I'll be happy.

On another note, my grandmother sent me $1,000. O_O Which totally shocked the hell out of me. I wasn't expecting it at all after telling her about being engaged, so I was overwhelmed. I seriously didn't think she'd care enough about me to do that.

So if my dad does still send me the $2,000, I'll have $3,000 for the wedding budget which is enough for a reservation payment on a venue and the dress I want. Possibly even invitations, depending on the venue.

So today, over all, was pretty positive. =) I'm feeling really snacky, though, but I'm pretty okay with that. Still feeling motivated.

WTF, FML. Period.

Oct 23 2008 21:49

Okay, so I recently discovered (like 20 minutes ago) that my dad took out a $6000 loan to help my sister go to New Zealand. (He was going to talk to his loaded dad about them pitching in the money together, but chickened out I guess, and still wants to send my sister to New Zealand so he opted to take out a loan for the money by himself.)

Whatever, I'm used to Emma receiving more monetary contributions than I do, so I was cool with that part. I also really think she should do this and have been encouraging her not to even think about the loans because they'll be pie to pay off and she'll never get to do this again. Not to mention I, in no way, would want a part of his loan money.

Then I learn that mum called him and told him how unfair it was for him to dump that kind of money on Emma when I was getting married and our brother is going to college without any scholarships. So instead he's now decided to send us all $2000.

This is where I'm like what the fuck?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!

Do I need $2000? Yes, that's 1/5 of my wedding budget! Do I want it from his damned loan money? NO. No, I do NOT.

What the hell is he thinking? First of all he's got fucking type I diabetes. His health is in the shitter. He's got no savings that I know of, and he's going to be all alturistic and take out all this money? And don't get me started on the economy! Whay sense does this make? None. None at all.

Second of all, all my fucking life he has guilt tripped me about money. We've gone on vacations and he would tell me "well, now I've only got $20 in my checking account" afterward. What the hell? I'm ten. Why would you do that to a ten year old? It's not like I asked you to take us on the camping trip from hell every year. I didn't even want to see you.

He is the whole reason I suck as badly as I do about money. His example has taught me nothing but to try to win people over with cash by purchasing them fancy gifts and to just get what you want and not worry about pish-posh things like retirement.

How can I accept this money?

I also worry that he thinks that I complained or something about it and that's why mum contacted him. I know he hates it when mum contacts him, especially about things like this. I don't want him to guilt trip me about it later like he always has when it comes to money. I was okay with his $500 a year and $100 at birthday. I was content. I thought that was appropriate considering he never paid child support. (Oh wait, why, do you ask, did he never pay child support? Because my mum told him to stop sending it because he was emotionally manipulating her and us over it. And he wasn't even sending anywhere near what he should've been.)

Look, it's like this. I'm not the biggest fan of my dad. I know he's done a lot of shitty things to my mum, to me, and to my siblings. There are parts of me that are like him which I have systematically tried to eradicate. I just can't take the idea that I could do the types of things he has done.

We have been developing a better relationship as I have gotten older, but it's still strained. At least in my eyes, and in my heart, it is. This just really puts a burden on me and I don't know what to do. I want to tell him that he was stupid to even do this at all, that I don't want his money, that I wish he'd have thought for ten minutes about what he was doing. I know, in his eyes, he's doing what's right. He's being helpful. He's giving Emma the chances he didn't have. But what he's really doing isn't that at all. He's just causing problems where there were none.

I don't want to feel grateful about this money. I don't want to feel negative about it either. I just wish he were giving it to me of his hard work, and not of his stupidity. And I wish he weren't guilted into giving it to me when he intended it for my oh-so better sister.

MOTIVATED.

Oct 23 2008 17:35

Okay. I'm damn sick of the 2 pound fluctuation I've been experiencing. I went from 156 to 154 to 154.5 to 156 again over the past four weeks. OMG TEAR OUT MY HAIR.

At least I know I can maintain, but I don't want to maintain yet. I want to be 145.

And the worst/best part is that I know it's all my fault. I've been screwing up and not caring. I haven't been logging. I've been eating crap but just not enough to really screw me.

All of that ends today.

I am going to log every freaking thing, even if it drives the fiance up the wall to see me boot up my computer before eating. As a matter of fact, I'm going to log it before I even start making it so that I know exactly what I'm about to eat.

I will lose the rest of this weight.

Challenges I See Right Now
- All of my pants are falling off of me so I have no goal. I have no money to buy more pants. It's difficult to feel unhappy with your weight when you're pants are falling off.
- End of semester is coming up. STRESS.
- Holidays. Yeah, 'nuff said.
- New job is going to make my eating habit lazy, especially since it will be so physical.
- I'm not sure how to log things that I've gotten from places like the school cafe. Chicken salad ranges so widely, I have no idea. =/ But I don't want to starve, I have to eat something. Urgh.

Positives I See Right Now
- New job is going to be very physical in lieu of working out.
- I really don't want to gain any more.
- I am equipped with the right knowledge on how to handle the holidays, unlike in previous years.
- I'm going to get married soon and I want one day to say that I want to get back down to my wedding day weight.

(ALSO, I just went down and got a sandwhich from the cafe downstairs. I ran into some people I haven't seen in a while. They didn't even recognize me! Partially because I cut my hair, but also they commented on how I lost weight. OMG, so happy! This is the first time someone recognized who didn't know I was actively trying. Wow, what great motivation!)

Monday, lovely Monday!

Oct 20 2008 12:34

Okay, so I'm feeling significantly better. =) I got a call back about the job, and while I won't be making a lot of dough, even a hundred bucks a week is better than nada.

And it makes me feel like if I do have to buy the camera, I will be able to pay it off at some point.

I have to go rent one soon though. Ugh. Gross. There goes $200. =/ I wish I could just buy one at that point, ya know? But I think they're more expensive than that and I don't really want one.

But at least God saw fit to give me one glimmer of hope amongst the darkness. =)

(I know in two months I'll despise this job, but right now, I'm pretty freaking stoked. It will also be greatly beneficial to my weight loss since I'll just be playing with dogs all day.)