tolife's Journal

Side Effects!!!  So, the medication I tried (Buspar) worked for the anxiety, but ultimately had to be stopped!  Unfortunately, the darn stuff made my arms, hands, and legs numb.  Ugh.

I'm off it now and hoping the numbness will go away.  Any suggestions for what I should do now?  Try another medication?  Try something else?

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OK... what are the real reasons I was about 268 pounds when I started this?

• Bad habits from my family of origin
• Genetics
• Keeping yucky boys away from me
• Self medicating my Anxiety! 

Ahhhhhhhhh we have a winner!  All of the above were factors, but without the last one, I don't think the others would have gotten me above 200.

I've always have issues with anxiety, and I've always resisted medication even though it's been recommended for me for years.  Why resist?  I have a perfectly good medication - food!  And boy is it ever.  It's cheap, available, and very effective. 

So, what does this mean in real life?  It means that during my dramatic and ongoing loss, I had a place to channel my anxiety - into counting, tracking, and generally obsessing. 

Now that I'm trying to transition into maintenance soon, my anxiety levels have skyrocketed.  I lost my best coping mechanism and now the chemicals in my brain have taken over.  I can't tell if I'm hungry or not, because the drive to eat eat eat eat eat is so strong I can't hear anything else.  And that drive is my anxiety.  I have come to the conclusion that in order to maintain my weight and develop an intuitive and healthy relationship with food, I must control my anxiety. 

I've decided to start medication.  I've been on it for about 2 weeks and it has dramatically changed by eating impulses.  I'm able to feel if I'm hungry or not and then make decisions with my head about what and how much to eat. 

I'm going to try this for a while and see how it goes... but until I really develop new maintenance habits, I expect to stay on medication.  I hope to taper off after that, but who knows.  If my brain really is chemically imbalanced I may need help long term.

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Hey everyone:

I just had to share my news with all of you... After a little over a year and a half I have finally hit my goal of 150! (Well, I'm technically .2 over today, but was .2 under a few days ago!)

I've lost about 118 pounds to date. It's been a long road, and I can't believe I actually did it, but here I am. Healthy, happy, and with a waist 14 inches smaller!

Thanks to everyone for your awesome support along the way.

New pics in my profile!

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So, in my last journal I was in a funk because I thought I would have to lose a lot more weight than my initial goal of 150 to be happy.  But recently, I've been taking a good look at myself.  I'm actually starting to think that going that low (125 had come to mind) might actually look pretty silly on me.  After having lost 107 pounds - my boobs are as big as ever! 

Throughout this journey I've always felt that I looked proportionate.  Now, I'm starting to feel if I go too far, I'll look like micro Barbie - since I'm only 5'2'' and apparently have unshrinkable boobs!  Maybe loosing more isn't for me.  Maybe it doesn't matter that my belly still flops over and I jiggle a little.  Maybe I don't WANT to be skinny.

"Ideal" weight is such a strange concept.  To be able to choose what I weigh is not someting I have ever had before.  I'm searching now for how to decide - how to know what fits me best.  I feel that I am healthy even if the charts don't say so... how do I decide how far to go?

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OK... I'm in a serious funk here and am having trouble moving past it.  I've lost over 100 pounds and only have 15 left to meet my goal of 150.  I've been over 250 my entire adult life and now that I'm almost at my goal, it's become abundantly clear that another 15 pounds just isn't going to cut it. 

When I started I had no idea what I would look like at this weight, but I suppose in my mind it was better than the reality that now faces me.  It's clear that I will have to loose an additional 15-20 pounds at least.  (Probably more like an additional 25-30!)

I just feel very defeated that after working on this for over a year and losing over 100 pounds... I'm just not happy.  I'm not near the end of having to loose... I'm probably another year away from really being done. 

I'm trying to be positive, but it just isn't working right now...  **sigh**

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I'm down to 170 from 268. I really can't believe the change. My mind still thinks I'm the "fat girl." But when I look at my most recent picture (in my profile), I'm starting to see that in reality, I'm kind of average. Maybe the first word people use to describe me now won't be "heavy set" (just a nice way of saying fat) - maybe it'll be something else. Anyway, take a look - I have to say I'm proud of myself!! Yippee!

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I don't know if this will make sense to anyone other than me, but here goes.

I've been counting calories/eating healthy and exercising for 11 months now.  I've lost 80 pounds.  Great right?

A couple of days ago I went out to lunch with a friend.  We went to Chinese.  I did really well at the meal - it was a little more than a typical lunch for me, but I was just planning to work it in - no problem.  And then the leftovers came home with me.  And I decided to eat them.

I figured, I would just make it a maintenance day and not worry about it right?  Not really a problem. 

Except the feeling I got eating it.  I remembered why I ate so much - the comfort of it, the familiarity of it.  I was happy downing the rest of my leftovers, by myself on the couch, with no one to see me.  It felt comfortable - it felt like me.  It also made me feel sick.  That also felt like me. 

I suddenly remembered doing this every weekend and most evenings - and how comforting it was.  Maybe this is truly who I am?

It occurred to me that maybe I have just been pretending to be someone I'm not all these months.  And that when reality sets in and I stop deluding myself - I'll go back to the real me and wallow myself in food and misery - because it's comfortable - because it's who I really am....

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