topeze's Journal

Here I am again

Apr 21 2009 23:03

So here I am again. You'd think I'd learn. How come it was so much easier when I first did this than what I was hoping would be halfway through?? Granted, I just had the stress of applying/interviewing for jobs, accepting a new job, finding a new place to live, packing, moving, and starting that job (on top of traveling for 8 days from FL to SD and back to see my daughter for 4.5 days during her spring break). So, all the totally hectic parts of my life are almost done, minus the settling into new home and job. I'm hoping it was all just the added stress and caoticness that was my life for a few weeks there. Oh, and lets ignore the fact that I feel more broke then I have probably ever between all the recent expenses and stuff.

But seriously, I am disgusted with myself. I mean, I could have eaten reasonablly or something like that. I could have maintained. Nope, I'm sure I did not maintain, but I'm too scared to step on the scale and see something incredibly ugly that I'm just avoiding it for a few days. Will it always be like that? And will I seriously just never get it? Will it always be this hard the rest of my life? And why am I so pathetic that I can't control myself, what I eat, what I do. I haven't done anything resembling exercise. And I certainly haven't done anything that resembles healthy eating. Yes, I can start over at this point and make tomorrow count (cause I'm done tonight anyway), but how many more times will this happen? It makes me doubt if I can even do this. Woohoo, I got below 300. And then have stalled basically for the past 4 months. I do think part of it was my body saying it didn't want to lose anymore, but how many people push through that? Instead, I eat. And eat. And watching the Biggest Loser on TV (as I eat my Nerds), just makes me sad too. Here they are losing 120 something pounds in 16 weeks. I know it's not realistic for us to do that unless in that sort of setting, but it still gives me some point of reference. I mean, really, I won't do it in 4 months, but 100 was totally doable in a year and I've stalled out at almost 80 (probably closer to almost 70 or less than that now). Am I missing something? How come I am not getting it? And how come it's just so hard? I don't want to give up, but I do that every time I take these little breaks. What is it about food that it beats me almost every time???

Letter to my fat

Mar 24 2009 01:07

Dear Fat,

I almost had a breakdown today. What started it, you ask? Socks. Yes you read that right, socks. Because they keep sliding down since hubby stole the other ones that go past the ankle (and please don't judge me on using men's socks). The heel keeps rubbing. In response, I pull them up and try to tighten the shoes. To this, my feet start to hurt.

So I start getting mad at hubby for stealing my socks since he only washes what he needs for the next few days, never putting in enough socks. (Why do men do this?) And I realized, it's not about the socks. And it's not about hubby. I was irritated for the stealing of the socks, but it is not his fault that while walking at the park, I felt like I wanted to just start bawling.

I'm mad at you, oh dear fat. How did you get so big on my body? How did you take over what must be a slim person underneath you? And why won't you JUST LEAVE??? Because, for months, I was losing you. You were slowly getting smaller and going away. Then it happened. You started to win again. I know some of it was the extras I added in. The holidays. The vacations. The PMS. You started to win against me. And even when I went back to the very good eating every day but that one cheat day, you still won. Or rather, it felt like you win because you weren't disappearing. You were not slowly going away. You hung on for dear life. And the scale just showed me what I knew was true: I was no longer winning. We were tied and the scale wouldn't move.

So why do I have to change my whole workout program to where I'm now walking and ~~running~~ jogging 5 days a week in order to lose the same if not less than what I used to lose when all I did was just eat right? Is there some special book that tells you that the numbers of calories burned-calories eaten can be messed up by you? Did you find a way around the basic math that should work? Why do I need to change MY routine in order to force you to leave me again?

Because I'm tired of this. It should keep going like it used to. It should not be this hard. You should give in because even though you win some of the battles, I will not let you win in the end. You are going to have to leave and the sooner you accept that and move away from my hips, the happier I'm going to be. And when I start to realize that I'm tired of this and would like to stop and just be at the end where you are completely gone (at least all the extra amuonts of you), I will need to remember that I don't give in and each time I have those little screw ups, you win. Again. I'm just tired of you. I want to be at the end. And it's going to be such a long time and a much longer fight to win in the end with you.

So please give up. I know I won't. You know I won't. But, it's just getting to hard and frustrating to do all this. Just leave. Give me a dear John letter, I don't care. But go. You are not welcome.

The scale has moved again for now

Mar 21 2009 12:56

Yay, the scale finally moved again! I'm down 2 lbs from last week. Hopefully it sticks, but I'm thinking it will since each day went down this past week.

I'm thinking I just needed to up the exercise and change what I was doing. So, I'll lay off the elliptical until the beginning of May. Unfortunately, I really don't think I'll keep up 50 minutes 5 days a week of walking, but we'll see. And apparently, the Dairy Queen ice cream that I've had on cheat days (or not supposed to be cheat days) has way more calories than I thought it could have had. So, smalls from now on if I must have it.

I'll admit that I hit the dreaded P word

Feb 27 2009 14:22

So, I've officially decided that this is in fact a plateau. My Feb. 1st weigh in was he same number I saw on the scale the other day. I'm up today after eating at maintainence yesterday. And looking back, I've been within a lb of my weigh in for about 6 weeks. My December right before Christmas was 294. I'm hovering between 288-290. Yes, I've lost some inches, but not a ton. I've had some bad days, but they aren't incredibly horrible. Like yesterday turned out "bad" but I was still under maintainence. I've debated needing to up calories, but I'm leaving a 1000 cal deficit as my target cal intake. And besides, if it were too low, it would have hit way back before now, I'd think. I'm working out about the same as I have, at least the amount I'm putting into it, but I've only been doing about 2 days a week minimum (I prefer longer workouts to more frequent workouts). I've started walking again to mix up the elliptical use, but that hasn't seemed to make a difference. I decided to try dropping weight lifting from 3 times a week to 1 time every 5 days or so, to see if the building muscles has been an issue. I'm not quite zig zagging, but I have one cheat day a week and eat more on workout days anyway (400-500 cal increase) on top of doing just alright at least once a week.

I also know that it's just part of it, from what everyone says. I know I had consistent losses for a while. But I'm not sure if I need to keep plugging away and the weight will finally give one day or if I need to change something. I've had some bad days and some alright days, but overall, I should be logging losses every week. I know I need more sleep. And it'd be great to fight less (seems like we've been arguing more lately) and be able to instantly wish away the stress (no magic wand here!). We need to move, I need a different job, and all of it's up in the air. I do have an interview next week, so that's exciting (yay, somebody wants me). I really want to hear from the job I really want soon (I expect them to call Monday...not cause I've had any contact with them, but I'm thinking positively here). And maybe the stress is what's getting me the most. I do think that working out does help with the stress, cause it sorta seems to give me time to think and clear my head, but I am determined that I'll get through this. If there is a way to make the plateau move faster, then I need to know what to do to make that happen.

It's funny. I know I've seen some people on here talk about feeling they will fail. I am an optimistic person. And I've very ~~stubborn~~ determined. I know in my head that I'm not going to fail. I don't think that's even a fear (the fear will be maintaining it). Even my mom said that she knows that now I've made up my mind, she knows I'll make it happen. That's how I always am. When I decide something, come hell or high water, it's going to happen if I have any control whatsoever. So, I'm very grateful that I have that sort of personality and determination. But, it frustrates me that I think I'm doing everything right and not seeing the results in weight or measurements. A little bit, but not too much. Although, in the back of my mind, I'm wondering if there are little things that I'm eating and not logging that make a difference. I'll take some sunflower seeds every once in a while. But I know that even if I did 3 tbsp (which it absolutely is not), that's still only a 200 cal difference. I don't think I'm really doing any extras that would amount to anything (they're all tiny cals or really tiny amounts and not much of them every day). Makes me think, but I know that it's not it. I think I'm just looking for a reason that is logical enough to change.

So there it is. The p word. I'll get through it, but I want to move through it faster. How long are everyone's plateaus? Will this be a four month thing??? Omg, i don't know if I can survive that. I do wonder if maybe I was this weight before for a while. For some reason, the number is ringing a bell somewhere. But, hell, it could be that I've seen it for the past 6 weeks. Maybe my body liked this number a few years back and I don't rememeber it.

Plateau, you will not win!!!

I really should have just waited to weigh...

Feb 19 2009 09:59

So after my slight stuffing of the face the past few days, I need to remind myself that the scale will be a bit higher than it should. I ate really well yesterday and decided to just see what the damage was.

So, according to the stupid scale, I'm up 6 lbs from Friday!! I weighed in last night (just for a high baseline to know what to expect) and was only 0.2 lbs more than this morning. While I knew I'd be up, I had expected it to start dropping. Guess I need to give it more time. 6 lbs x 3500 cals = 21000 cals OVER my maintainence. I know I didn't do that, but still. That feels ridiculous. Just one more reason to make today even better. And work out lots. Grrr, why do I let myself stuff my face? I need some sort of mantra to help me in those times of temptation. Sometimes, once I start, I just keep giving in.

Stupid Liza. You know better. And at least now the scale can really only look better, right? I hit 299 in early November and I'm seeing 294 on the scale. 5 lbs since Nov does not make a happy Liza.

Mold

Feb 10 2009 03:56

So, I found what I believe to be mold in our house. And not like bathroom mold, but I'm talking mold in the corner of our bedroom behind my dresser. The foundation is apparently cracking cause of that stupid tree in the front yard. But grrr...I have bad allergies, I don't need that crap to make it worse.

We were already talking about moving, but now it's a definite in my mind. I mean really, I'm not going to live somewhere that's bad for my health. Just feeling stressed knowing that I'm in the process of actively seeking job opportunities and working on getting stuff up to date and ready to send out. Because until we know anything about my job, we're going to at least count on staying until the end of March when our lease is up since we might move out of town.

So, prayers are gladly welcomed. It's funny, I don't feel all that up to dealing with it all. Not that it's the worst or hardest thing to deal with, but I just don't like all the uncertainty at all. And there is a possible upcoming position on the air force base (awesome!!), which would of course be my first choice. In town and great pay and benefits. But, waiting to see if it'll be listed although I was told that HR was basically waiting to hear that they need to fill the vacancy. And was told to go ahead and submit my resume.

I still can't believe that there's mold. So irritating. And sucky. Haven't cleaned it cause it's getting late and will require enough moving of furniture to get to. The good thing is that this has confirmed in my mind that we're moving, so that makes it better, although we figured we would move anyway. Sigh. I hate moving. But who doesn't.

Epiphany

Jan 26 2009 00:51

I put part of this in one of my forums, so it may be a repeat for some of you.

My scale did cooperate again. Well, my body did, which the scale reflected. I'm down 1.4 lbs lower than last Sat now, must have been salt, I'm guessing.

Although, I think I had an epiphany. My next mini-goal is 285, but my next big goal is 265. That will be 102 lbs lost and 100 lbs to go to my sorta final goal. (That's a healthy BMI, but I don't know where in my range I want to be). Anyway, I'm only 23-24 lbs away from that goal which puts me halfway there! And once I hit that, it can only be downhill from there. And then I thought, my year mark is in May, 15 weeks away, which would be a 6.5 lb loss per month, which I can totally pull. And if I want a really aggressive goal, I could hypothetically get it done by my birthday in 9 weeks. Although, I'm not pushing for that, it's a bit too much. But hey, if my body decides to do that, I really won't complain. But still, it's amazing to wrap my mind around the idea of being that close to 100 lbs lost. How crazy will it be to hit my halfway point??

So, now I'm really excited to lose these next 24 lbs. I mean, when I started this whole journey, I know I wasn't going to quit...this was it. But, I never really thought about losing 100 lbs. Of course, I would have to, but still, actually doing it? Who would have thought that this time last year, I'd be almost 80 lbs down? I'm so looking forward to a year from now, when I'll be that much closer to my goal. I know losing isn't going to change who I am. But, what things will it open up for me? How will I see myself differently?

And I was scrapbooking today, which I haven't done in a really long time. I had pictures from early 2005 and my face looks horrible. It's so puffy. I definitely feel like my face looks smaller than it did at that time. Again, how did I not notice that I was getting so ridiculously fat? Or rather, why did I deny it? No more of that ever. I'm going to be one hot momma when I finally slim down all the way.

Scale is fixed....or really, my body is cooperating

Jan 25 2009 14:30

So, I decided to not do a cheat day yesterday, put it off til today so I could re-weigh myself. Got new batteries (I really didn't think it was that, but figured, I need them anyway). Apparently, I have a good scale that even with low batteries is still accurate...weighed 2 times before I changed it and 2 times after I changed it. It was the exact same every time. So, that's good to know for the future, because I have heard of people needing new batteries, being weighed in lower than they really were, and seeing a much higher number with new batteries. I was a little afraid of that. I mean, if it was 10 lbs off, I'd be 300 again!!

Anyways, I was 288.4 this morning. Woohoo! Still moving down. I guess maybe I had more salt or something. I know we fluctuate daily, but since I never weigh in daily, I don't see those back and forths. I've debated the daily weigh in to see the daily flucuations which would help me feel much better about the ups and downs, but discarded it for these reasons. 1. I'm afraid once I weigh in daily, I'll start to become more of a scale addict that wants to weigh in all the time. WHEN I hit my target weight (whatever it winds up being at/below 164), I don't want to still be obsessive about the scale. 2. The only hard floors we have are in the bathroom and the common areas, and I would need to be constantly toting the scale to the bathroom. While I wouldn't mind being naked in the living room when alone or with hubby, my brother-in-law lives with us and my daughter is here sometimes. So, the only place to put it is the bathroom, but I can't just leave it there since the door would smack it all the time.

So, I like the scale when it puts me at weight or lower. Just hate when it looks like I've gained for no reason.

Stupid scale

Jan 24 2009 13:04

So, I weighed in this morning and had a 0.8 lb gain. wtf? I don't get it. I know there was a day or two that I wasn't so great, but I still had a deficit at the end of the week. Frustrated about that. Maybe I ate more on my cheat day than I thought I did. I typically don't track that day. But otherwise, I had a really good week. Was irritated to see the 290s are back when I thought I'd waved goodbye to them. I know, I know. Weight fluctuates and I could be still losing. I did up my reps this week when I was lifting, which could be part of it, but overall, I'm frustrated with that. Maybe I just need more sleep.

Although, there is a part of me that's wondering about the batteries. Scale has said it's been low batteries for a bit, but was waiting to see how long they'd last. When I step on and back again, it gives the same weight though. So, I'm just irritated by the scale. Maybe I should just get new batteries and try again.

Or I could be in denial. I could have just fluctuated a little bit and not wanting to accept that I did not in fact lose anything this week. Maybe I'll just need to work harder. And now my cheat day won't be nearly as fun cause I will be cautious of anything good I put in my mouth.

Stupid scale.

Smoke

Jan 20 2009 12:59

So, Smoke, another one of our bunnies, died. It seems that whenever the weather changes overnight and then back again, they don't do so well. We had an emergency (ie, expensive even though they were still open) visit at about 6 something last night at the vet's, where we didn't do everything we could due to the high expense and unlikelyhood that it might not do much of anything. So, with that being said, Smoke kinda fluctuated with how he was doing. Snuffles, which is basically like a cold, can kill bunnies. So today, I had given him his meds and he just kinda got more wheezy and slower breathing throughout the morning. And then he got really active and ran down the hall and died.

Like the other one, he was a good bunny. Since he got sick a bunch of months ago, he hasn't been quite the same, more mellow. Less sprinting around the room doing his bunny olympics and more laying around. But, he was never a biter, loved to be pet, and pretty much put up with whatever you did with him (just don't pick him up). Hubby and I figure that we're not getting more buns. We still have the little bun, Twix, who we got after the other one (Chopsticks - we like original names overall) died to try to help Smoke from getting depressed without him, but they never got worked together like we wanted to do. Bunny bonding, as it's called, takes a lot of time and energy. Twix needed to be fixed before we could do that, and we just hadn't gotten around to it. So, we have Twix, and I think that's it for a while. I really like having buns around, but I think the weather takes more of a toll on our buns down here in FL where it can be nice and warm during the day and 30 that night.

I hate dealing with death. Considering what I do for a living, you'd think I was better able to handle things like this. I'm horrible. I didn't used to be this way, but now I'm the person that cries at emotional commercials. Well, maybe tear up. So, at the vet's, a lady was going to have to put her dog down and you could hear her crying. Omg, it took everything to not cry. Anyway, hate days like this. And I wasn't even supposed to be here when I was since one of the kids was out of school. And now I need to be able to go back to work. Bleh.

Anyway, that's my day so far. Poor bun. He'll be missed, as all buns have been missed.