tothestarsxx's Journal

\m/^.^\m/

Apr 05 2009 01:15

This is the weirdest thing. I haven't binged in.. oh.. I don't know.. weeks! I don't know how or why...

It probably had something to do with one day a while ago. I had a whole entire day at home, which rarely happens, so of course there was the kitchen, staring at me, and all the delicious food inside the pantry, including chocolate-caramel granola bars. I mean, come on! Chocolate and caramel and granola??? How could I resist? So I didn't. I ate as many as I wanted, whilst telling myself, I can eat them if I want to. And you know how many I ate? Two.

That's when it clicked. I'm more in control than I think. What is there to be scared of food and of binging, if I always allow myself to eat as much and as often as I like? Food in fact becomes a little.. boring.

With my new way of eating I don't have enough of a calorie deficit to actually lose weight.. at least not from dieting alone. But I've also upped the exercise, so maybe that will create a deficit. But I'm so. not. concerned. with that. I'M NOT BINGING ANYMORE! WOOHHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Keep It Clean

Mar 08 2009 23:15

I figured another part out!

When my house, especially my kitchen, is cluttered or dirty, I binge. I think (subconsciously, of course), "if I'm too lazy to take care of my house, then why bother taking care of myself?" It's very very important to keep myself in a neat, orderly environment if I'm to take any care at all in how I eat.

Just for the record, my kitchen is immaculately spotless right now :)

Like I said, one part at a time.

Feb 19 2009 18:32

Remember when I said I'd have to figure out how to stop binging one part at a time? Well today I figured something out. I swear, this is like some kind of sick puzzle :/

I binge when I'm procrastinating. Just today I had to make some business calls that I was very nervous about making (you know how awkward phone conversations can be), so I told myself "just one granola bar, then you'll call." Well after one granola bar I still didn't want to make the calls, so one granola bar turned into 4, and oh no I didn't stop there. I ate until I was stuffed and then I made the phone calls.

Ooh, this is a toughie. How can I not procrastinate? Maybe that's the answer, but maybe the answer is to just make a list of things I need to accomplish, and just do them. And no matter what stick to my meal times and don't munch or snack (unless it's a planned snack) and never ever again make business calls in the kitchen!

Good, good.

Feb 03 2009 23:00

Just a couple seconds ago I threw away the last bite of my cookie.

You have NO IDEA what a big step that is for me.

I CAN do this!

Bahhh.

Feb 02 2009 19:41

Starting over. I have more self-control than this. Excuse my language, but it's time for a kick in the ass. No more binging, no more restricting. NO more. NO more.

God has blessed me with such an amazing life, I love it, and I don't want any day to be ruined by the sick feeling that comes with over eating EVER AGAIN!

I'll still count calories, and I'll probably never feel comfortable with snacking in between meals... but I can work around that. Because my happiness is worth it, is it not?

A Deeper Issue

Nov 12 2008 20:58

I binged today after 10 days "bingeless" (for lack of a better word).

We all binge for different reasons, right? Some of us binge after anorexia because our body is shocked that it can finally eat food. Some of use binge from depression, stress, or anger. Some of us binge when we're bored, and some have an emotional attachment to food.

I can't figure out my story. I know I have to quit, but in order to do that, I have to find the root of the problem, right? I know it's not because I'm not eating enough... sometimes I do it when I hate myself and maybe I subconsciously just want to punish myself? But some days I'm feeling better than ever and yet...eat everything in sight. I know I have stress in my life so that could be a problem, although I'm confident in my ability to handle stress and somehow I just don't think that's it... I have to know, I have to find out why I do this.

Someday I'll know.

Update- Day 10

Nov 11 2008 16:10

Of not counting calories. Also day 10 of not binging. WooHoo this is fun!

Also, I don't think I'll have internet much longer. :( Sad.

No more counting calories

Nov 05 2008 22:55

I think the title says it all, haha.

Yeah...about a week ago I gave it up cold-turkey. Forgot to journal about it until now.

It's really interesting to not know the numerical value of how I'm feeling, you know? Like before, I'd be like "hmm I don't feel full because I've only had 1800 calories today" which was skewed thinking because I might have been full!! But how would I know if I was only listening to my head and not my body!

So in conclusion, this is one vice I've broken, and thrown into the sea! (There goes my calculator...I can see it...sinking...good riddance!)

Update

Oct 29 2008 21:23

Heey y'all! (Like anybody actually reads my journal entries...)

Just wanted to update on my binging status. It's been 4-ish/5 days (the first day was kind of sketchy) since I binged! I know a couple months ago I was like "woohoo 15 days!" but right now I'm just really excited about 4, because as soon as the school year began I went back to my two-day stretches, and it SUCKED.

Crossing my fingers and praying my heart out that this continues!

10/31/08*Wow, I made it 5 days! I binged on Halloween candy, go figure. Well, now I know I can make it through an afternoon (but not a holiday) without binging. Go me!

I'll figure this out one part at a time.

Oct 10 2008 21:02

So I've realized that I equate relaxing with eating. Sit down for lunch..late night snack in front of the tv...really, the only time I ever "stop" and sit down is to eat. So...when I do get the opportunity to get some rest, I automatically reach for the food. Insane amounts of it sometimes. It's like I just have to keep my mouth busy while I'm sitting still, by force of habit. THANK GOODNESS IT'S ONLY HABIT!

Habits can be broken.

No more giant bags of m&m's "just because."

So..ahem.. I have a new challenge for myself. I'll post it in this journal because it'll hold me more accountable, knowing there's other people reading it. I'll give myself one point for every hour I spend relaxing without involving food. Once I hit ten points, I suppose I'll reward myself somehow. (Not food related!)

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Wish me luck!