tpoet's Journal

OMG! This stuff works!!
Jul 30 2009 00:10

It's been over a week now and I can see a difference in my clothes.  Gobsmacked because I was really skeptical about counting calories.  I'm actually restricting my portion sizes as well.  It's really weird not to be stuffing my face every time I watch tv. But since I have to be doing something while I watch, I just skim through a magazine or mess with my laptop.  I had no idea I was eating so many calories!    A blouse that I had to pin together because of puckering, this week didn't need pinning.  That is a really big deal for me.  It gives me the incentive to keep going.  That and the wonderful community here that has been so incredibly supportive.

This, I Don't Like
Jul 25 2009 02:58

I'm hungry and I don't like it!  I do not want to think about food.  I've actually gotten to the point where I'm controlling the urge to eat while watching TV.  And here I sit, watching TV and all I can think about is filling my gut.  Geez!  I've been really good at hitting my calorie targets for the day.  However, I've been under my limit for the past couple of days.  Okay, I'm gonna finish off the remainder of my calories...bye!

Do I Have The Patience?
Jul 24 2009 01:18

I'm really going to have to talk to myself positively throughout this journey.  I'm used to doing fad diets that blitz off the weight; where I can see results quickly. Oh grief!  Sad to say, that's how I stayed motivated.  When I joined CC I took a "personality quiz"; found out I'm a Strategist--yup, quick fixes.  The fact that I now belong to a community that have the same struggles is really comforting--hmmm...is that the word?  Maybe that's what will get me through this; I'm not alone, I have people that I can reach out to.  I'm measuring everything!  I cannot believe I'm doing this, I hated calorie counting.  But what happens when I feel anxious?  I am definitely an emotional eater.  Thank God for the forums!  I went for a short walk today; I can feel the muscles in my back getting stronger.  I'd love to be thinner than I am now when I visit the States.  Grief, I can just hear what they'll be thinking, "How'd she ever let herself go like that?!"  Then I have to listen to my husband's slightly negative slant on things; he's always complaining about something.  When I told him how the site calculates activity and that I put in my 10 minute walk, he tells me I didn't walk for 10 minutes.  How the phat world would he know?  He wasn't there. He chuckled at my measuring my food, asks me have I cut down on certain foods. Told me we wouldn't be buying low fat milk til all the high fat milk was gone (I'm not drinking it!).  He's not supportive, he will find something negative in whatever I'm doing.  I'll stop on that subject now before I get really angry. 

Today was a good day otherwise.  I enjoyed my food today, but I didn't hit my calorie target.  I need to watch that because I don't want my body thinking it's in starvation mode.  I'm definitely eating way less calories than before.

Walking
Jul 23 2009 03:50

Okay, so today I walked.  I walked at a normal pace without the aid of a stick!  Haven't done that in years--really.  Hit my target calorie range today; I'm finding new ways of satisfying my sweet tooth.  Until I get my bike I actually think I may be able to walk as a form of exercise.  I was soooo winded when I got back home!  Geez! I only walked for like 10 minutes.  I'm going to go the same distance until it gets easy, then I'll increase it.  I really hope I'll lose weight this time, hope I can stick with this counting calories thing.  

I Think I Can Get Used to This
Jul 22 2009 01:22

Okay, 2nd day.  I'm really not feeling too bad.  Went to the shops today and picked up healthier food.  Felt good taking charge like that.  My husband protested when I wanted to pick up low-fat milk.  He buys milk like all the cows in Ireland are going to leave the country in the morning.  He wants me to wait til all the milk in the fridge is gone...NOT!  I just won't be drinking it.  He always wants us to start losing weight together, to start working out together, but he always finds an excuse to put it off.  I can no longer do that.  So, right now I'm going it alone.  When I was single and wanted to lose weight or work out I didn't have to run it past anyone; I bought workout machines and weights, I put myself on an eating program, I set up a workout schedule.  Now it can be nerve wracking.  I'm proud of myself for starting without him. He's not going to start til we get back from holidays...more than a month from now. There's too much bulk on my frame NOW!  This stuff has to go...starting now.   

First Day part 2
Jul 21 2009 06:15

Okay, I thought I'd check back in because I ate something due to hunger.  Well, I had a bowl of cornflakes with 2% milk.  Oh yeah, I had a banana with it.  So, I've gone over my caloric limit.  I'm not going to beat myself up for it; normallly I would have eaten at least 3 times more than I had today.  I exercised self control today and didn't eat every time I wanted.  Tomorrow will be planned out much better.

First Day
Jul 21 2009 01:30

Okay...the first day wasn't too bad, yay!  I told Boo what I was doing and he asked me wouldn't I rather wait til we get back from our holiday in the States.  No way, I told him; a lot of my aches and pains come from too much weight on the joints, and we won't even talk about my back!  My orthopaedist told me that the extra weight could wear my new hip out beforetime.  I can't have that.  I waited too long for this--to get my life back.  So, I'd rather lose some weight before we go for ease of mobility sake.  And, truth be told, I'm embarassed to have anyone see me at this size--sheesh!  I wasn't this weight when I left.  Make no mistake, I have no desire to be skinny or thin; I want to be healthy, period.  I admire Queen Latifah because when she decided to lose weight, she said she was aiming for better health, not what the industry says is attractive.

I'm going to the shops tomorrow to get what I need for my meals.  I don't want to eat the same thing everyday--I bore easily.  I did notice today that my food choices were a bit healthier and it was MY decision, no one was telling me what I should or shouldn't eat.  I think I'll join the coffee group.  I LOVE coffee!  For now, not only will I have it in the morning, but I'm going to have it as something to look forward to in the evenings.  My sister says she's using Agave Syrup instead of sugar.  I'll have to find that.  She said it has no aftertaste--yippee!  For me, that's the biggest turn off about sweeteners.  It's been 7 and a half weeks since surgery and I'm still taking short walks; can't wait to increase.  I love walking.  Okay, as Scarlett O'Hara said, "Tomorrow is another day!"

Eyesore (well to me anyway)
Jul 20 2009 12:21

I remember when we first moved to our village I was invited to join some friends for a night out at a restaurant.  As we were entering, we filed past the windows and I caught a glimpse of my reflection. OMG!  There were 20 of us and I was clearly the biggest one in the group.  I noticed that I'd started doing that; comparing myself to others physically.  My bra doesn't fit properly; I want to buy a new one but I keep telling myself that I'll lose weight and it'll fit again.  Although when I am smaller and it fits, what condition will it be in after I've stretched it?  Hoo boy! When I'm in the States and back among friends I don't stick out like a sore thumb so much.  In the African-American culture it's not unusual for women to be overweight, yet we're very stylish.  Right now I couldn't care less how stylish my clothes are, I don't like what goes into them.

I mentioned before how surprised I was at my calorie intake--grief!  Because I can now log my calories I'm much more aware of what I put into my mouth.  Good thing.  I like the fact that I can eat what I want as long as I log it in and stick to my calorie allotment.  I've discovered, thanks to the calorie counter, that brown granulated sugar has less calories, 5 to be exact, than white sugar.  I'll be using that in my coffee.  I also tried 2% milk--it was good, to my surprise.  So I'll be using that as well.  If I go to the shops later I'll be getting some veg and salad fixings.  Maybe turkey breast instead of the deli ham.  I'll do the math and decide.  I haven't actually come up with an eating plan for the day or any menus, I'll play it by ear and see how I get on.

I've been looking at recent photos of myself---oh brother!  I'm not getting rid of them; they'll be my incentive to get the weight off.  I also plan to take photos of my progress since I have great difficulty noticing the difference in my appearance once the weight is gone.  I tend to still see myself as a fat person.  I think my not being able to acknowledge my succcess contributed toward my weight gain.  I was always fat anyway so what was the difference?  I must put an end to that type of thinking. So, I'll be lifting weights today and going for a short walk; it's all I can do at the moment after having surgery.  I will be ordering the bike.  For now low or non impact aerobics is the way to go.  I'll be checking in later...maybe.  Writing this stuff down is great.

Here We Go Again (sigh)
Jul 19 2009 12:53

I've lost count of how many times I've tried to lose weight.  I'm so sick of starting again and again!  I am now at the highest weight ever.  Of course being physically disabled for the past 5 years didn't help. I spent last year bedridden and unable to walk. Reduced to a wheelchair because of crippling arthritis.  Well, 7 weeks ago I had total hip replacement surgery--yippee!  I should be able to be more active.  Before all of this I prided myself on being fit.  I lifted weights, 3 times a week I walked 4 miles in an hour and I rode my exercise bike for an hour everyday no matter what.  I logged 6,000 miles on that bike and I was never satisfied with a session unless the sweat was dripping off me.

So, what do I do now?  Well, I'll see if this site can actually help me do what I so miserably failed at in the past.  I've really been resistant to the idea of counting calories---ugh!!  I joined another calorie counting site before discovering this one.  I wasn't really satisfied with what they offered because I wanted to keep a journal of my weight loss journey.  What I did gain from the site was the "my foods list" feature; whenever I added a food that I regularly eat and the amounts, the caloric total would appear.  I had no idea I was consuming so many calories. After that I realized I would need to be conscious of everything I put in my mouth.  It's also time to exercise.  For now, it will consist of walking.  I wanted to order an exercise bike but the ones I can afford won't hold my weight---if that didn't take the biscuit! I'm pretty disgusted with myself right now, but at the same time I need to love myself enough to want a better life.  It has to start now.  I depend on my husband to get me around at present; that will change once I'm more mobile.  I'll be able to buy what I need to eat.  It's got to work this time...I want this to be the last time.