tragichild's Journal

So I ran 5 kilometres in 28 minutes today. 27:59 to be exact, but we'll say 28:00. I was really pushing it though. I don't think I'll be improving on that time in the near future. But I think it's respectable, yes?

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So the tofu dish was excellent. I finished the left-overs today for lunch. Great! And so low-cal in comparison to meat dishes. It was great. I felt stuffed but it didn't run up my calorie count like crazy.

Today, however, it's back to the world of the meat-eaters. I'm doing a garden chicken stirfry on brown rice. Sounds healthy, right? I don't know. I already documented it in my food log and it brought me up to my 1,199 calories. 1 calorie left for an evening snack. That's not even a grape's worth. Sigh.

I also added in a couple pieces of multigrain baguette which I planned on eating for supper. If I get rid of those, I'll be in a better place.

It's all about compromise.

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Today, I woke up and felt lazy. Again. Just like yesterday.

Instead of sucking it up and getting on the treadmill anyway, I did pilates for 40 minutes. That burns less than half the calories I burn on the treadmill sooo I feel kinda crappy.

Which I know I shouldn't because I still exercised. It's just pilates doesn't seem like "real" exercise to me for some reason. More like stretching or something.

Anyway, the tofu dish I'm whipping up tonight is tres low-cal so it's not going to matter. Garlic Tofu on a Spinach Bed. Yum...I hope!

I'll let you know how it turns out.

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So I just had my evening snack. A cup of Raisin Bran Crunch (which is delicious, by the way although it's kind of high in sugar which I'm not all that happy about -- part of the danger of prepackaged foods) with 1/2 cup of skimmed milk.

It was something I was looking forward to pretty much from the moment I finished supper. Immediately after eating supper, I felt like I could still eat soooo much. Part of me wants to eat a lot. Part of me is never ever satisfied.

But I guess there's a bigger part of me that's fighting the urge to undo all the hard work I've been doing with a big binge. I'm trying for probably about a 1,300 calorie a day diet, which gives me a pretty big deficit when I factor in the working out I've been doing.

I find it pretty amazing how fast calories can add up though. Most of them at supper time.  Sigh.

I'm scouring for a good tofu recipe to make for tomorrow night's meal right now... should be good!

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I woke up this morning and planned out my eating strategy for the day. I opted for much the same diet as yesterday since that seemed to pan out so well in curbing my binging.

(After my last post, I had a slice of toast since the Oscars ran way, way late and my tummy was grumbling, but I kept it to one slice of dry toast which is good since toast and peanut butter is usually my binge food)

When it came to exercise, I was feeling way, way unmotivated but I repeated yesterday's exercise routine anyhow. It was good. I like how it feels when sweat is just dripping off me. Gross, I know, but really rewarding too.

And now, once again, it's lunch time. Same plan as yesterday. Hard-boiled egg and some baby carrots. Yum.

This afternoon? Reading a little bit more I think.

Oh, and today's bonus? Roll-up-the-rim starts today! This is my year! I can feel it! :D

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Ok, so I'm doing better than usual. It's 10:30 and I'm still under my daily limit. Which is around 1,200 or 1,400. I should really nail that down...

Anyhow, I'm watching the Oscar's and I'm feeling that urge to binge kind of rising. I've had two cups of grapes since supper which is fine -- only 120 calories there. And I just gulped down a big glass of water which seems to be satisfying.

The Oscars don't end til 12:30 tho soooo I'm working on it. I think I'll be ok. I'm accutely aware of my body right now and what it's telling me about being hungry or not.

So far, so good.

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Ok, so last night after the binge, I resisted the urge to go directly to bed which is what I usually do. Instead I stayed up, browsed around C-C, talked to some friends on MSN and even told one about the difficulties I was having with binging.

This was good. It made me face up to what I had done instead of sleeping it away and waking up guilty in the morning. I devised a meal plan for today which is also good since I usually just try to eat as little as possible and only when I'm hungry and since I'm not the best judge of what hunger is, I usually eat when I'm starving and binges happen...

So I've got a plan. Kinda.

I've also decided I should be writing more on here about my food and exercise and my feelings related to what I'm doing.

Like this morning, for instance, I had a slice of toast and a banana and a cup of coffee for breakfast. It was good. I wasn't sure if I was hungry when I got up, but the food satisfied me.

I read for a couple of hours and then worked out and burned over 500 calories! Which is also awesome! I walked at 3.5 mph at an incline of 10 for 30 minutes, then upped the incline to 12 for 5 minutes and then to 15 for another 20 minutes. For another 10 minutes, I jogged at 6 mph with no incline. The jogging felt awesome after walking at such a steep incline. That's something to remember.

Now it's lunch time. I'm sweaty from the workout but I'm going to get some food anyway right away just to keep some food in my belly and my metabolism all fired up.

Grocery shopping this afternoon. I'm going to try a vegetable lasagna dish. My dad is very skeptical at the lack of meat and you should have seen his face when I told him I wanted to try a tofu dish.

Of all of us, he's the one that should be watching what he eats the most. But you can't tell him that. Sigh.

Baby steps, I guess. And the first one for me is lunch.

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I blew it. Did great all day. Still just a little over 900 calories by supper time. Just enough left for a decent night snack.

Then binge mode hit. Again. Ate enough leftovers to bring me up to my daily limit. Then I got into the stupid bread and peanut butter again.

I had just one slice, then waitied until my dad went to bed and ate two more. I needed to stop eating the bread so he would have some left for breakfast so I started eating the peanut butter right from the jar.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't exercise enough to keep me ahead of these binges. I hate myself so much for this. I feel awful. This is happening every night. Every day brings new hope but every night I just screw it up again.

I don't know how to make it stop.

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Well, I'm back. Counting calories again. And I don't know if it's good or bad.

Recently, my boyfriend broke up with me and I took it hard. Unreasonably hard. And I found that weeks later I still wasn't getting better. I wasn't feeling joy or hope.

My doctor diagnosed me with major depression. And he told me that what I called "food issues" (i.e. starving myself, binging, purging, constantly obsessing over food) was actually an eating disorder.

That was an eye opener. Just the use of that label.

I guess I thought to have an eating disorder you had to be starving yourself stick-thin. And I wasn't stick-thin. And I thought to have an eating disorder you had to be throwing up every single thing you put in your mouth. And I wasn't. I was only throwing up when I had a binge episode. Or if I wasn't happy with what I had put in my mouth and wanted to start over.

But I was binging and fasting and binging and compensating with exercise. I've been doing a lot of reading and I guess that's bulimia too.

Soooo... here I am. I feel like kind of a wreck. I've got a month of stress leave from my job and, basically, have moved back home to live with my parents for the immediate future.

I'm 21. I'm single. I have friends but I'm tired of reaching out to them. I'm seeing a counsellor. I've never done that before. I've dealt with everything on my own. I find it quite likely that everyone at my job thinks I'm a headcase. And you know what? I feel like maybe I am. My life consists of reading, writing, working out and obsessing over food. I'm withdrawing more every day.

All of this spells failure.

So I guess maybe this is one area that I feel like I could succeed in? If I eliminated the fat from my body, got toned, got fit, maybe that would be something to take pride in?

I don't know. Sometimes it all feels a little too overwhelming.

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I am so unhappy.

On Friday night, I went out to a nightclub with one of my best friends. Midway through the night, I started to feel really weak. I'm pretty sure it's because I didn't eat enough that day. And that's when I broke down. I started sobbing absolutely uncontrollaby.

My friend and I went outside and I told him about calorie counting and how crazy I've become about. How I thought I'd be a happy 125 pounds. How I reached that weight and it still wasn't enough.

I just cried. For a really long time.

Then yesterday, we woke up and had a big breakfast. An omelette, some grilled potatoes, some wholewheat toast with butter. I didn't log it.

I didn't log the English muffin, the vanilla pudding snack, the oatmeal, the cottage cheese or the cereal that I had later.

I just ate and ate and I didn't exercise and I didn't weigh myself.

And I cried more.

And I woke up this morning and ate an english muffin with margarine and two slices of toast with peanut butter.

And I didn't log that either.

I thought I'd found something good here at C-C. Now I'm not so sure.

I think this is just something I'm obsessing over so I don't have to deal with other things, like the fact that I have no goals, like the fact that I only see my boyfriend once a week, like the fact that I want a family and he's only focused on his career, like the fact that I wake up every single morning feeling so down.

I don't know what to do anymore.

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