veganchild's Journal

first step
Jul 24 2009 22:01

I'm ready to admit that I have a problem. I'm ready to tell my school conselor too because I trust him and he is a very nice man.

I think the easiest way to put it is that I have disordered behavior when it comes to food and exercise. I have unrealistic un-recomended goals for myself. Im not happy with myself. I feel fat often. My routiene lately is to binge eat in the morning and restrict the rest of the day and exercise or restrict all day and then binge at night. I exercise, not to tone up or feel confident, but to make myself not hate myself, to burn calories. Thats what it really comes down to and thats pretty sad. While Im on the machines I keep track in my head which foods I've burned off and what more do I have to do. I take ritalin sometimes to supress my appetite. I wish I could get perscribed something because sometimes it feel like I have this urge of insatiable hunger until a package of something is empty or my stomach hurts. NEVER BEFORE. I think cigarettes are gross but sometimes I smoke them because I think itll take away my appetite or speed up my metabolism. Its not my moms fault. Just because she was bulimic doesnt mean Im 100% sure to be fucked up. Its like every comment I've ever recieved about my weight is burned into my brain, never to be forgotten. When my boyfriend touched my thighs and arms I unconciously grimace. I feel so huge and gross next to him.

This is how my day went

1. oooh yes, I'm 130 today even though I ate ice cream and cookies! hooray for me.

2. oatmeal 150 (unsweetened)

3. seaweed salad and vegetable tempura. my bf was giving me a hard time and I was like "I JUST WANT VEGETABLES OKAY???" and he was like "you know, you have to let go sometimes" (or something along those lines) and I was like "TRUST ME, I DO!!" I was being such a bitch. I wonder if he notices any of my weird behavior. One time I chewed chocolates and spit them out but I guess he mustnt have noticed?? Also, hes always trying to peek at my phone and when he sees that Im calculating calories or writing down foods I GET SOOOOOOOOOOO EMBARASSED. as if trying to lose weight means I accept that I'm fat and disgusting....which is pretty much true. Or that I'm so stupid that I can't just listen to my body and I have to calculate it because Im an airhead american.

4. Smoked weed. Got the munchies, hard. I ate a little seaweed salad. Then, I started to crave junk food. I quickly steamed a carrot and ate it with wasabi and ginger, thinking it would take the edge off my hunger...WRONG. I ate 2 HUGE bowls of bryers strawberry iced cream(120/half cup), prolly half a gallon. 2 rows of extra chunky chocolate chip cookies (80c each). I cant even indulge like a normal person. I have to torture myself with the numbers. I've been trying to thank god and pray before eating but sometimes Im such a monster I just eateateat.

5. Smoked a cigarette, drank cups of green tea, looked online at pictures of emaciated girls, went to workout for over an hour.

Now I'm back here. Making confessions because Im tired of hiding from myself. The only thing that consoles me after binging is burning calories and/or planning to fast or restrict the following day.

Atleast I finished off the junk food I bought. Oh, and I drank a hot chocolate (150c)

If anyone has ideas of how I can overcome this total bullshit, lemme know.

I just want to be happy, but sometimes it feels like being thin is mas importante. wow, what terrific values!