victoriagirl's Journal

Re-assessing. Again.
Jul 03 2009 09:17

WARNING: Long boring self-assessment that is likely only interesting to me.

For the second week, my daily calories are averaging about 2100. Gah. Is it because of stress, or because I am feeling a bit burned out on calorie dilligence? The seven weeks before, I was managing 1900-ish (pre-exercise adjustment; more like 1650 after adjustment). That might not seem like a big difference, but for me, it's the difference between losing or not. I have some kind of weird weight-loss threshhold; I can lose at 1900 but not at 2100, 2000 is kind of no-man's land where I may or may not lose anything, likely depending on exercise. So all I have to do is keep my average UNDER 2000. Why is that so hard? Hoping for an average of 1700 seems like a pipe dream at this rate. So does lever reaching my goal weight. Or even getting close to 200.

Yesterday I was doing well, was right on target after dinner, but then had an extra brownie and a piece of carrot snackin cake I made (it's delicious, btw, and no oil!). And it wasn't mindless eating, I reeeeally wanted it, felt a hunger that was real, but whether it was physical or psychological I am not sure. Maybe a combo. Seems I am having that struggle a lot these days. My skin is totally broken out so I know all is not well and balanced in Sherylynland. I feel work stress, I feel sadness over the whole apart-from-Joel situation, I feel less strong than I want to be, less able to stay away from the little extras that push my calories up. I am not sure how to fix it...I am not the type to make loftly plans or promises to myself I know I won't keep, so I just have to plan to do the best I can. I'd like to get to the gym more, I'd like to actually achieve an 1800 calorie average, that's reasonable. It's actually kind of funny, I feel like I am trying so hard but when I review my spreadsheet I can see my average, even when I was rockin it, was still around 1900. Ha. So ONCE AGAIN, I find myself in a place where I have to decide. Do I continue as I am with the understanding that I am just maintaining, and forget feeling like I am trying so hard and not getting anywhere....or do I actually make an effort to step it up and REALLY get to that elusive 1700 (or even 1800) average? It pretty much sucks to lose like a pound a month after feeling like I gave it a good effort. It's depressing. So I either need an attitude adjustment or an actual effort adjustment.

Thinking about leveling out and just maintaining for a while makes me cringe. I hear an internal NOOOOO.....I can't NOT try. Even if I am failing, even if I am getting no further than if I weren't trying, I still feel the need to stay in the battle, continue to fight.  I think that part of my battle has been fighting the need for instant gratification. I've really come a long way with realizing that treat will still be there tomorrow, and I don't have to eat every yummy thing that pops into my head today, right now, I can plan to have it some other day. It will still be there, so will I.  I definately feel less urgency. But, maybe I have just replaced the food urgency with the trying urgency. Honestly, thinking about not trying to lose weight throws me into a bit of a panic. Waiting, maintaining, for say 6 months or even 3 months is unimaginable. Unacceptable. What does that mean? Does it mean I should make an attempt to break free from that sense of urgency, practice delaying gratification in this way too? Or does it mean I have found a healthy food replacement and should encourage myself to use that? What will benefit me more in the long run?? I don't know, but I do know that giving up the fight, even temporarliy, does not feel like an option.

So I find myself in the same position I was a couple of months ago. Not willing to give up trying. Oh well, good to do a check in now and again lol.