victoriagirl's Journal
Preparing for the inevitableOct 29 2009 10:35
I just wrote in a comment on a friend's journal that this month will be the first month since I changed my lifestyle nearly two years ago that I have to report a gain instead of a loss. FUCK. Sory for the strong language, but hey I think that merits an expletive. So I best start mentally preparing for this. There are only two days left in the month, not much hope of making a recovery.
It's been a whole month of bad choices, so I am not frustrated that there was no loss or even the gain...it's for good reason. The past few weeks have been eating well on the weekdays I am home, for the most part but with a few spectacular exceptions, and then destroying any deficit I may have created by completely overeating on the weekends. Dinners out, road-trip junk, holiday pigginess, comfort-eating, it's been a really disastrous month. I keep struggling to get a handle back on things and failing. Like, this week Mon-Tue-Wed I have managed a nice balance of healthy food and minimal treats, have a 1900 average which is not perfect but pretty close, biked to work twice despite the torrential rain, and generally feel good about my choices. But this weekend, I will be going out for dinner and drinks on Friday, going to a Halloween event on Saturday which will definately involve drinks, and then Sunday dinner at my parents' place which always involves a lot of food. SIGH.
Maybe I should make a plan to abstain from drinking this weekend. I don't hardly ever drink so it's not a big deal, but the fact is, it will DESTROY any hope of a deficit and I will have to go into a beginning of the month weigh-in with alcohol bloat and the knowledge that I am failing myself over and over again. If I make a genuine attempt to stick to a healthy diet this weekend, I will still be facing a gain, but at least I will feel like I am on the right track instead of careening out of control.
I have control issues. I admit it. I spent the vast majority of my life feeling completely helpless and like I had no control over my life or body or anything at all. Now that I finally discovered that I do, in fact, have control over many things and especially over my body and my choices, I am desperate to hang on to that. I freak out when I feel that control slipping, because I am terrified of going back to that horrible state of helplessness. FOr the past two years, I have felt stronger and more in control that I ever have in my life, and it's really great to feel like I can tackle anything. But this month, the last six weeks or so actually, I have been struggling for some reason. I have GOALS and PLANS and I am just not managing to follow through.
I've been having bad dreams, terrible dreams, mostly about my family and they treat me badly and make me feel very sad and upset. I know it's not really about my family but rather about myself...like, when I dreamt that my dad told me in a very derogatory way, "well you should spend more money on groceries", I know that makes no sense but what it meant to me was that he felt I was failing at losing weight because I was not eating right, and he wasn't really my dad but rather the logical side of myself that was saying, hey look at your budget this month, you spent WAY too much money on eating out and hardly anything on groceries, that should tell you something. It's like my brain is DEMANDING that I listen to myself and get it together. Joel helped me peice that one together, because I actually woke up crying from it and so we discussed what it really meant. Anyhoo.
The main gist of this big long diatribe is that there WILL be a gain this month and I need to figure out a way to deal with that. I need to find a way to climb back up on that horse. I need to feel good about my choices again. I have SO far to go, I can't start failing now. Sometimes life is so hard.
Life IS hard! For so many reasons. And sometimes, there can be moments when you are so overwhelmed that you wonder how you can possibly keep going. But you do! Remember Rudolph and the Winter Warlock's words of widsom: Just put one foot in front of the other and soon you'll be walking cross the floor. |
I will admit my journal review today was a mere skim - But I think you need to focus on the big picture - you've only had one month of GAINS in 2 years!?!??!! THAT IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!! Don't get down on yourself over it. You have a 96% success rate. That is a pretty amazing number. You must be some kind of awesome dedicated weight loss smarty pants to get grades like that! |
This is the only month you have had a gain in 2 years!!???? That's amazing!!! Be happy with you accomplishments, most people would have already gained all the weight back + some. Start by telling yourself its ok to make mistakes, but that realize that they are mistakes and you can get past them. I <3 going out to eat too, its my down fall, oh and I <3 cocktails too. You don't have to give either one up completely, just space them out more and plan for it. You are such a success story, you have lost a lot of weight so far so this little stumble is just that, its a stumble not a fall. Shake it off, and move forward. Ah and the party's and such this weekend, well you could not drink at all, but that's a hard one to pick. But I know also when I drink, I drink more and eat more. I know I myself am planning on drinking this weekend, but I"m making my own drinks to keep the calories down, or just having some wine. I can't refrain from drinking at a party, its too hard. So whatever you pick, know your in control, and don't over do it. Add up those calories in your head, and try and keep it reasonable. Maybe focus on maintaining through the weekend, there's nothing wrong with that. This is a weekend to relax a little, don't stress! Just know your beautiful inside and out. |
I can relate to your issues.. I gained 5 lbs over the summer, have all but 1.5 lbs to go to get them off. It is so sstupid to let your self do this but we do. You probably need to get stricter with your self on the weekends. It is so hard because our social life centers around food, You have come so far I am sure you will figure it out. |
I think you should just relax this weekend... drink if you wanna drink, don't if you don't wanna. Then on November 2, get back on the healthy lifestyle horse & refocus. If I'm ever hard on myself, I just think "I've come a loooooong way" and so have you. |
I do think there's wisdom in the advice to not beat yourself up. However, if you really do feel as if your brain is calling BS on you, that's worth listening to. I think we all get that way sometimes, we know we're teetering on the edge of something, and there's that moment of decision. |
1 small gain in 2 years is pretty freaking amazing IMO!!! I think that on the whole you are doing absolutely amazingly and you have to recognize that in the context of the bigger picture you are such a success! Don't let one crappy month get you down. You know if you put your mind to it, next month will be a great one, and you'll lose your small gain + more. I'm sure of it! |
What goes up must come down. Who was that smart guy who said that, the gravity guy? Einstein? Newton? Copernicus? Dr. Seuss? Someone said it and you better believe it's true cuz it is. You might not think it now, but you are an inspiration. You will get "it" back and get back on track. |
You have been such motivation to me since I found your journal and saw that yes real people can and do change their lives. Thank you for that :) I love how you are so aware and honest with yourself. I know personally how frustraing it can be to realize you have lost that spark and engery you once had to keep you motivated to lose. I think you will bounce right back with no problem because of your honesty. I tried to hide from it and I gained and gained over months before my mojo kicked back in and here I am to lose again. Like someone else said one foot in front of the other and we will do it! |
You don't need me to tell you that you've made some amazing strides in healthy living these past few years. One month posting a gain is no major setback! You know the problem already (bad choices) and you know the soluation (make better choices). I have full confidence that you will not let a tiny teeny slip up get ya down!!!! Enjoy your weekend, make good choices, and have a wonderful Halloween! |
Time to mix it up, Girl! More exercise! Get out there and walk or ride a stationary bike. You need to keep that metabolism up for the holidays. (I can easily dispense wisdom... I just can't follow it myself). |
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