victoriagirl's Journal

Follow me to Yummyland!
Nov 13 2009 00:30

Well I've finally got my food blog up and running, sort of...just have to keep on top of picture-taking and posting. Plase do visit, and if you like, follow my blog! It's going to be chock-full of delicious recipes you will want to try!

http://sherylynsyummyland.blogspot.com/

C'mooooon, weekend!
Nov 12 2009 09:16

I enjoyed my day off yesterday by just laying around reading my book, as book club was last night and I hadn't finished the book yet. I didn't get to the end but close enough for discussion. Also made some soup called solyanka, it's Ukranian and despite being of full Ukranian heritage, I never heard of it until last Friday. It's the most delicious soup ever, and you wouldn't guess it from the description because it has some rather unusual ingredients in it. Like dill pickles. Not something I ever would have ordered off a menu but Joel did and I tried it and it was so good I wanted to replicate it at home using lower-cal ingredients and it turned out GREAT. Yum.

Book club was great fun, I really love this group of women. Good people. AND I got presents, so it was like xmas! I got some shoes from S, who'd said she'd bring her give-away shoes for me to try. She's a real fashionista and has super-cool stuff, and lucky me a similar shoe-size range, so I ended up with a gorgeoud pair of turquoise snake-skin and leather t-strap shoes, that only pinch a little on one side. I will get them stretched and see what happens. Though I have no idea what outfit to wear with bright blue shoes!! Can I even wear them in the winter, like with black or grey tights maybe? I don't know but didn't want to look like a dweeb by asking her lol. I also got a couple of jars of homemade jam from M, because I'd given her some salsa I'd canned at the bookclub I'd hosted last time, and of course the new book selection from K (next pick is mine, eeks, I have no idea what to pick!) and then C gave me a ride home so I didn't even have to take the bus. Nice!!

The bad part....I was doing really well with calories on Monday, Tuesday, and even Wednesday right up until book club....I was already at target and did not allow any room for the yummy things that get served at the club. So I ended up coming in at like 700 cals over target yesterday, poop. Why must I love crackers and cheese so much? Why is it so hard to resist chocolate truffles? Rats. Back on track today, would be nice if I could compensate a bit by going a couple hundered under target today....we'll see.

A new day
Nov 09 2009 10:20

Monday, ugh. Yucko. In a way I am glad though, it's a new week, a new start to getting back on track. The weekend was pretty brutal, food-wise, but I am not going to talk about that. Even I am bored with hearing the same thing over and over from me, so why torture the rest of you lol. This backslide has been very concerning but it's over now. Today is the real start of truly getting back on the heathy-eating track. I am very good at making delicious, healthy, low-cal food and I have never felt deprived when I am focused on eating right, so I don't know what this recent interest has been in chips and dip and other gross former-life crap....I guess comfort eating, plain and simple. Well from now on I take comfort in celery lol. I kid but I really do need to find different ways of comforting myself when I am low.

New connections:

Instead of saying "I am sad. I want chocolate and cake and foodfoodfood"

I will say "I am feeling sad right now, but it will pass. In the meatime I will go to the gym and get some endorphins going!"

Instead of "It's cold and rainy and miserable out, I want to curl up under the covers and veg out"

I will say " This weather is very challenging and gives me an opportunity to feel totally badass for biking in it anyway!"

or "Isn't it great that there are so many indoor activities I can do like going to the gym or painting or cooking up a batch of soup."

Instead of trying to ignore my feelings of anxiety and push them down,

I will explore how I feel, accept it as normal, and rather than worry about falling into a pit of depair if I look to closely I will DO something to work off the anxiety, see choices above.

No win.
Nov 05 2009 15:20

Well I made it through my panel interview and didn't die, so I guess that's a bit of a win. But I definately will not be offered a job, I know that. I kinda bombed a little. The role-play was the worst, sucked eggs my friends. And the compentency-based questions were only ok, it was the two competencies out of the 8 listed for a Probation Officer position that I was weakest on so of COURSE that's the two that the questions were based on. Of course. But I still think I may have squeaked by on those....it's the role play that will make me sink like a stone. Boo role play.

I looked darn good doing it though. Black mid-calf skirt, black blazer layered with a white with black pinstripes button-down shirt and a hot pink v-neck sweater. Unfortunately I get really pink in the face when I am under pressure so I am sure my face was the same colour as my sweater...at least I matched lol.

I am SO GLAD IT'S OVER. It's good to have practice for next time.

What?
Nov 04 2009 09:06

Scale was kind today. Despite ttotm, and there MUST be some sodium retention due to sheer volume of food taken in on Sun/Mon....I think my sodium was like 5000 on Mon....despite all that, the  scale gave up two lbs and I am now back to 233. Weird. And it's not like yesterday was a super low-cal day either, I was just at maintenance, trying to ease back into a deficit. So...what the heck? I have this awesome theory that I have been overeating so much these last few weeks that I have managed to re-set my metabolism and now, just hitting 2100 will give me a deficit instead of having to get down to 1800. Wouldn't that be nice!? Wishful thinking, but could be some truth to it, we'll see! I am going to make 2000 my target this week instead of 1800.

I give blood today though, and that throws everything off. Last time I was SO hungry the next couple days. I have my panel tomorrow (YIKES!!!) so hopefully that blood won't deplete my brain power! The good part is...they make you eat these blah cookies and over-sweet drink, so I went and bought myself this delicious apple-pecan bar from the Old Time Deli that I never get because there must be a jillion calories in it, well probably closer to 400ish but I figure I will have this instead of their cookies and juice. If I have to eat sugar, may as well have a real treat!  So I am very excited. It is the yummiest non-chocolate dessert in the city and I get to eat it guilt-free, yay!

I do not feel at all well-prepared for my interview. Gotta get to studying here. And no clue what to wear. I have a black blazer that will work, maybe with my black work pants or a skirt, but my pants are a teeny bit too short and make me self-conscious (for work they are ok cuz I am hidden behind my desk most of the time but for an interview, I dunno), my skirts are too casual, too faded, or too fancy. And I have nothing appropriate to wear under the jacket, well I do have a white button-down blouse with black stripes, the one I bought for our gay pride parade drag dress-up...but maybe wearing all black and white is too severe. Might have to make a trip to the mall after work....talk about last-minutey.

I added some Halloween pics to my gallery....my favorite one wouldn't load, but the ones there are still pretty cute!

The fallout, the zombie dance and other personal achievements, and a new start
Nov 03 2009 10:47

Well the Nov 1 weigh-in was not so horrifying, only because I was already mentally prepared and armed with all your encouragement and advice. Up two and a half lbs from last month.

On Friday I chose not to go out drinking with friends, good thing since I heard after that they got stinkin drunk and I am sure I'd have been right in there. But, Joel and I did go out for Jamaican food, YUM, and that wasn't exactly low-cal. But I was still on a personal-achievement high: on Friday I gave a presentation to a group of people that I had no idea I was going to have to present to until right before...it wasn't great but I didn't die lol....my boss said I did very well but I think she was just trying to help boost my confidence for this week's panel! Still, it was a real accomplishment for me, so I am proud.

On Saturday night, J and I went to a Halloween event with his roommate K and K's gf S. It was a fun night, though started out a bit rocky....getting dressed and make-upped took longer than expected and K & S showed up earlier than expected so getting ready to leave was a real rush, I HATE feeling rushed and flustered. So when we got to the pub (a friend's band was playing there) I was already a bit out of sorts plus going somewhere totally new makes me uneasy so it took a while to shake it all off. Joel had promised our friend in the band that we would dance it up all night, so I felt really pressured to get in a dancing mood. J was even encouraging me to drink lots to hurry up and get in the mood, which is really unusual, he's not much of a drinker himself. So I tried very hard to get there, mentally, not wanting to bring everyone else down. I ended up drinking 7 vodka pepsis, which seems like it should have been enough to slam me but they must have been pretty weak, I barely felt it. We all did end up having a good time though....I pushed myself to get in the party spirit, and J and I ended up entering the dance-off contest and making the final 5 with our zombie dance lol....we had to do our dance alone on the dancefloor and the winner was chosen by audience applause. Never in my entire life would I have imagined myself voluntarily getting up in front of an entire roomful of people to dance for approval! We didn't win, some guy who could actually dance won, to be expected I guess but our costumes were a huge hit....we were a zombie bride and groom and we did such a great job on our make-up, J made me a truly grusome wound on my shoulder under my tutelage, I was so proud he did such a great job. People were fascinated and impressed and grossed out all at the same time lol. It was great!

Sunday and Monday were food disasters. Out of control. Combine pms with post-drinking munchies with back-home-alone sadness and POW. But, that's behind me now, and a new month begins, getting back on track and filled with hope for the future! Hopefully I will see December 1 in with a loss that obliterates this gain and more. I am the lizard queen, I can do anything.

Including ace my panel on Thursday. I have a lot of studying to do before then. And I am supposed to give blood tomorrow, still unsure if I should back out of that...maybe I need the extra blood for my brain.

Preparing for the inevitable
Oct 29 2009 10:35

I just wrote in a comment on a friend's journal that this month will be the first month since I changed my lifestyle nearly two years ago that I have to report a gain instead of a loss. FUCK. Sory for the strong language, but hey I think that merits an expletive. So I best start mentally preparing for this. There are only two days left in the month, not much hope of making a recovery.

It's been a whole month of bad choices, so I am not frustrated that there was no loss or even the gain...it's for good reason. The past few weeks have been eating well on the weekdays I am home, for the most part but with a few spectacular exceptions, and then destroying any deficit I may have created by completely overeating on the weekends. Dinners out, road-trip junk, holiday pigginess, comfort-eating, it's been a really disastrous month. I keep struggling to get a handle back on things and failing. Like, this week Mon-Tue-Wed I have managed a nice balance of healthy food and minimal treats, have a 1900 average which is not perfect but pretty close, biked to work twice despite the torrential rain, and generally feel good about my choices. But this weekend, I will be going out for dinner and drinks on Friday, going to a Halloween event on Saturday which will definately involve drinks, and then Sunday dinner at my parents' place which always involves a lot of food. SIGH.

Maybe I should make a plan to abstain from drinking this weekend. I don't hardly ever drink so it's not a big deal, but the fact is, it will DESTROY any hope of a deficit and I will have to go into a beginning of the month weigh-in with alcohol bloat and the knowledge that I am failing myself over and over again. If I make a genuine attempt to stick to a healthy diet this weekend, I will still be facing a gain, but at least I will feel like I am on the right track instead of careening out of control.

I have control issues. I admit it. I spent the vast majority of my life feeling completely helpless and like I had no control over my life or body or anything at all. Now that I finally discovered that I do, in fact, have control over many things and especially over my body and my choices, I am desperate to hang on to that. I freak out when I feel that control slipping, because I am terrified of going back to that horrible state of helplessness. FOr the past two years, I have felt stronger and more in control that I ever have in my life, and it's really great to feel like I can tackle anything. But this month, the last six weeks or so actually, I have been struggling for some reason. I have GOALS and PLANS and I am just not managing to follow through.

I've been having bad dreams, terrible dreams, mostly about my family and they treat me badly and make me feel very sad and upset. I know it's not really about my family but rather about myself...like, when I dreamt that my dad told me in a very derogatory way, "well you should spend more money on groceries", I know that makes no sense but what it meant to me was that he felt I was failing at losing weight because I was not eating right, and he wasn't really my dad but rather the logical side of myself that was saying, hey look at your budget this month, you spent WAY too much money on eating out and hardly anything on groceries, that should tell you something. It's like my brain is DEMANDING that I listen to myself and get it together. Joel helped me peice that one together, because I actually woke up crying from it and so we discussed what it really meant. Anyhoo.

The main gist of this big long diatribe is that there WILL be a gain this month and I need to figure out a way to deal with that. I need to find a way to climb back up on that horse. I need to feel good about my choices again. I have SO far to go, I can't start failing now. Sometimes life is so hard.

Zombies need love too
Oct 27 2009 12:42

This week promises to fly by. I have a project I need to have ready to present by Friday, so really need to have a semi-final draft to give to my boss today and work on final edits and some other prep for Friday tomorrow and Thursday...yikes too fast! But SO much better than the week dragging by, I am happy as a clam under pressure, just not too much pressure!

I went to my painting class last night and painted furiously for the whole two hours and didn't even realize it was time to go. By the time I cleaned up and had a longish chat with the instructor afterwards, I missed my bus. Plus I was carrying a whole bunch of canvasses, so I decided, if I see a cab I will flag it, and I did so I did :). Felt very decadent.

Biked in this morning, it was COLD but not windy or rainy so I am perfectly cool with that! I actually like it when it's kinda frosty. Just have to be more careful on the turns as they might be a bit slippery...last year I wiped out once and it didn't kill me so I am not too scared, just careful.

My Halloween costume is going to be zombie bride (Joel is my zombie groom). I didn't find a wedding dress, but the Elegant Angel costume I got is pretty bride-like, I just need to get a veil and make some adjustments to the costume. One of the arms is too small (damn my fat arm!) and the back closes with two little velcro tabs that I totally don't trust to stay closed, not sure what to do about that but hopefully something will occur to me at the fabric store tonight. A zipper is to much work, as is button-holing, so I dunno.

Anyway...today is much better than yesterday. Someday, when Joel and I live together, Mondays will be much less hard.

Can't wait for the weekend and all it's zombie fun!!

I wanna shoo-ooo-ooot the whole day down
Oct 26 2009 11:05

Wow do I hate Mondays.

Had a great weekend but ate too much. Gee that's sounds familiar.

I bought my costume for Halloween. I've never bought a costume in my life, my mom sewed them for us when we were little and I sewed my own when I was older. It's pretty cool to FIT into an off-the-rack costume (with some minor adjustments), and I am just too lazy to sew it myself this year. Seems like way to much work...I have to focus on excercise and eating right this week. I am really doing some backsliding lately and it's upsetting. Also I have to focus on preparing for my panel next week. Yikes my heat starts racing just mentioning it.

I didn't bike to work today, took the bus. It was a really bad day for it too, the earlier bus didn't come so the later bus was packed full to the gills and I had  a very uncomfortable trip in. Serves me right, should have biked.

I have my last painting class tonight. I don't even want to go, I just want to crawl under the covers and hibernate...and i love painting class! I just feel low and sulky and surly and sad.

We saw It Might Get Loud yesterday, a music documentary featuring The Edge from U2, Jimmy Page from Led Zeppelin, and Jack White of the White Stripes/ Raconteurs/ Dead Weather...I soooo adore Jack White and really like the others too so it was a great movie. So inspirational to see people so passionate about what they do.

The weather sucks...but I somehow have to work up the strength to go out there in the cold and wind and rain on my lunch hour to walk to the art store and buy canvasses, last shot at student discount plus I need a new one for tonight's class. SIGH. Stupid Monday.

I am reading all your journal entries but not commenting, my dear CC friends whom I cherish too much to post any Debbie Downer comments today. So shake off the bad juju of this journal entry and have a great Monday :D.

Duck a la garbage
Oct 21 2009 12:56

Dilligently trying to get my essay done for the PO application. My boss is helping me, we are passing it back and forth with edits. Maybe I am retarded to leave a department with such an amazing boss.

I forgot to tell you guys about the Friday duck. It hit the bin. I took it out of the fridge, congealed fat-pustules and all, and impaled it on a roasting rack (well actually a steamer basket but close enough), spiced it up and begain roasting. The smell was foul. Not fowl, FOUL. There was something desperately wrong with that duck. So I pulled it out after about an hour, I just couldn't take it anymore, and didn't bother with the glazing stage - just sent it right to the bin. The glazing may have covered up the smell, but geez who wants to eat something that needs to have it's smell covered up?? Ick. Made an emergency bison meatloaf instead. Joel asked where the roasted duck was, he'd been looking forawrd to a fancy dinner lol...we enjoyed the meatloaf though, that at least turned out great.

I am going shopping this Saturday with my sisters and my mom, to Tulalip in WA which means road trip....clearly I am a glutton for punishment. But, Joel is working anyway, and my mom was really happy I could join their "girls' day out". I have to work very hard on a. not spending too much money and b. not eating too much bad food.

I managed 1850 cals yesterday. Small victory. I intend to do te same today, despite the Starbucks trip with a co-worker (the one I dreamed about and had the weird incident with at the grocery store, but I forgot all about it until now). I only drank half my skinny latte and ate half my low-fat fruit swirl, which is a crock by the way, despite being "low-fat" it is far from low in cals. I had to skip my banana to partially compensate. I think I can still manage 1850 or less. One day at a time.