victoriagirl's Journal

I wanna shoo-ooo-ooot the whole day down
Oct 26 2009 11:05

Wow do I hate Mondays.

Had a great weekend but ate too much. Gee that's sounds familiar.

I bought my costume for Halloween. I've never bought a costume in my life, my mom sewed them for us when we were little and I sewed my own when I was older. It's pretty cool to FIT into an off-the-rack costume (with some minor adjustments), and I am just too lazy to sew it myself this year. Seems like way to much work...I have to focus on excercise and eating right this week. I am really doing some backsliding lately and it's upsetting. Also I have to focus on preparing for my panel next week. Yikes my heat starts racing just mentioning it.

I didn't bike to work today, took the bus. It was a really bad day for it too, the earlier bus didn't come so the later bus was packed full to the gills and I had  a very uncomfortable trip in. Serves me right, should have biked.

I have my last painting class tonight. I don't even want to go, I just want to crawl under the covers and hibernate...and i love painting class! I just feel low and sulky and surly and sad.

We saw It Might Get Loud yesterday, a music documentary featuring The Edge from U2, Jimmy Page from Led Zeppelin, and Jack White of the White Stripes/ Raconteurs/ Dead Weather...I soooo adore Jack White and really like the others too so it was a great movie. So inspirational to see people so passionate about what they do.

The weather sucks...but I somehow have to work up the strength to go out there in the cold and wind and rain on my lunch hour to walk to the art store and buy canvasses, last shot at student discount plus I need a new one for tonight's class. SIGH. Stupid Monday.

I am reading all your journal entries but not commenting, my dear CC friends whom I cherish too much to post any Debbie Downer comments today. So shake off the bad juju of this journal entry and have a great Monday :D.

Duck a la garbage
Oct 21 2009 12:56

Dilligently trying to get my essay done for the PO application. My boss is helping me, we are passing it back and forth with edits. Maybe I am retarded to leave a department with such an amazing boss.

I forgot to tell you guys about the Friday duck. It hit the bin. I took it out of the fridge, congealed fat-pustules and all, and impaled it on a roasting rack (well actually a steamer basket but close enough), spiced it up and begain roasting. The smell was foul. Not fowl, FOUL. There was something desperately wrong with that duck. So I pulled it out after about an hour, I just couldn't take it anymore, and didn't bother with the glazing stage - just sent it right to the bin. The glazing may have covered up the smell, but geez who wants to eat something that needs to have it's smell covered up?? Ick. Made an emergency bison meatloaf instead. Joel asked where the roasted duck was, he'd been looking forawrd to a fancy dinner lol...we enjoyed the meatloaf though, that at least turned out great.

I am going shopping this Saturday with my sisters and my mom, to Tulalip in WA which means road trip....clearly I am a glutton for punishment. But, Joel is working anyway, and my mom was really happy I could join their "girls' day out". I have to work very hard on a. not spending too much money and b. not eating too much bad food.

I managed 1850 cals yesterday. Small victory. I intend to do te same today, despite the Starbucks trip with a co-worker (the one I dreamed about and had the weird incident with at the grocery store, but I forgot all about it until now). I only drank half my skinny latte and ate half my low-fat fruit swirl, which is a crock by the way, despite being "low-fat" it is far from low in cals. I had to skip my banana to partially compensate. I think I can still manage 1850 or less. One day at a time.

Wish all weekends could be that great!
Oct 20 2009 12:53

I had a wonderful weekend, everything turned out great!

The play was really fun, we had to follow the actors around the castle, up and down staircases and even outside...it was a foggy night, just perfect for Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde! Awesome.

Then onto the party at my bookclub lady's place, we went straight from the play figuring we'd be late but were actually the first ones there, haha!But it wasn't uncomfortable at all, in fact it was nice to have a chance to sit and chat with our hosts before everyone else started coming. It's a lovely group of people, my friend C and her husband came as well and everone was so very nice and interesting. I drank a lot but didn't get too drunk or anything, everyone was drinking a lot but not to sloppiness, just having a good time, like it should be! There were conversations about music and literature and travel and cheese....ADULT conversations but not at all stuffy, just very casual and fun. Imagine!! Not at all like my previous experiences of house parties which were a very long time ago in my twenties, granted.And everyone was so nice...no reason to be anxious at all!

Sunday Joel and I slept in late, had a leisurely breakfast, and then took a bus downtown. He got a much-needed haircut, I bought a much-needed pair of knee-high boots (yay!! Found some that actually fit my big calves!) and then we walked around, saw a cool Moroccan restaurant we want to try someday, bought a pile of groceries and took a cab home with them. It was a really nice laid-back day.

Yesterday I had my painting class, finished up both of my two first paintings. I am quite happy with them. One is abstract in warm tones of browns and golds wit hsome texture, the other is the starry-night-esque one. Next I have a couple ideas for new paintings....one an abstract in blues and greys, like a sky preparing for a storm, and then a row of black crows on a wire across it. So not totally abstract. The other, a skeleton sitting on a vanity chair with crossed legs and jewellery, on a black and red background, very dark yet kitchy-voodoo-y. I started the skeleton one last night after I got home from class, as I was all excited about the idea....and am using a canvas I had lying around. It was a painting my ex did of me, but I always hated it because it was not originally me, it was another fat girl and he just put my face on it. It pissed me off for the obvious reason, and because it reminded me of how he used to claim all fat girls look basically the same, and because it made me look bigger than I ever was even at 340 lbs. So I gleefully painted it over in black and will be ironically painting a skeleton on it. Ha.

Today I got an email that I've been short listed for a PO position. I have to answer a skill-testing question in essay format, deadline in two days, Yikes!! We'll see how it goes.

I've been ahving more anxiety dreams, pretty sure they relate to me not being at all on target, calorie-wise. I don't know what's wrong but I can't seem to get back on track....maintenance would be fine but I am way over that. Ever since Thanksgiving weekend. I am having a lot of trouble with my feelings about it.... I was supposed to have conquered food guilt and stuff. Ack. Joel says i put tooo much pressure on myself to be perfect...I don't think that's the case. I KNOW I can't be perfect, but in the freakin ballpark would be nice. Today I try to stick to 1700. Tomorrow, we'll see. One day at a time.

Downwards, onwards, and duckwards
Oct 16 2009 09:22

Well I was two pounds down this morning, 236.5. I am glad it's going back down but I have to admit I was kind of hoping it would ALL be gone this morning lol...yeah not very realistic.

Yesterday after work I had a strange encounter with a co-worker. I ran into her at the grocery store and was all happy to see her and started rattling on about how I bought too many groceries to carry on my bike, and her response was "have a good weekend" and walked away. It was weird. No "gee that's rough" or "good luck with that! But I gotta get going", nothing like that, just....have a good weekend. So then I had a dream last night that she was hiding from me and my former boss had moved back to town and not told me and when I ran into her she was all "oh. hello. " and sort of led me over to where my co-worker was hiding, just to make sure I knew M. was hiding from me, and I felt like no-one liked me, it was terrible. Likely just a mix of confusion over the encounter with M. at the grocery store and anxiety about the party I am going to tomorrow. It's at one of my bookclub chick's house. I will know a few people from book club but that's it, Joel will know NO ONE so what a sweetie for agreeing to come, and I know that's normal for a party, but I get terrible social anxiety over stuff like this. I feel like I should have grown out of it by now, and it IS much better than when I was younger (I used to drink A LOT to cover it up) but the fact is I am not often in social situations and tend to avoid them, I can't even remember the last time I was at a party. I am trying to cultivate some acquaintances here so was really glad to be invited...I just kinda wish it was over already lol. Sigh. I really wish I was less of a wuss.

I made a duck last night. Well I half-made a duck...I've never cooked a whole duck before so I did some internet research and decided to go with the boil, dry, roast method (like Peking duck). So last night I boiled it and now it is sitting uncovered in the fridge waiting to be roasted. It looks very unappetizing...white and pasty and the skin has these little pustules of fat erupting from it like sweat. Grooossss. I only bought it because it was $5 which seemed crazy cheap...but not so sure this is going to get eaten!! Might be only suitable for the trash...oh well you win some you lose some. I'll roast it up and see what happens, but I am thinking I will be sticking to magret de canard (duck breasts) for all my duck needs in the future.

I am going blood again on Nov. 4, yay! Some things I learned from last time:

A. Make sure you eat right before going or they will make you drink gross sugary "juice" before donating.

B. Bring some good juice and cookies for after, if I am going to calorie-load on juice and cookies I don't want it to be yucky stuff.

C. Be prepared to be super-hungry for the next few days. I'd been hoping for an extra weight loss due to a big calorie deficit from my body working to make more blood, but I ended up eating it all back and more :S...maybe with better planning I can keep some of that deficit.

D. Do not stand up too quickly for the next few days. This one is very important.

Aghhhh!!!
Oct 15 2009 07:40

Ok someone talk me off the ledge. I did my morning weigh-in, haven't been home all week so it's the first one since Friday, before the weekend. It was a lovely 231.5 back then.

Today, post road-trip, post thanksgiving, post long exhausting day yesterday....I am 239.5. Ho-lee CRAP. I was not counting, way overeating (something abut my family makes me want to EAT) and I knew I'd be up a bit but even so I would think I was over maintenance by maybe 1000-1500 each day, for 5 days that translates into 1.5-2 lbs, not 8!!! I am apalled and while I know it can't all be real fat, must be mainly water retention, I am still horrified and want to cry. It's like seeing a spider....I know in my head it's likely harmless but it still fills me with horror and fear. I am scared. How can it be this easy to gain and yet so freakin hard to lose? If I "fell off the wagon" for a few months, would I gain it ALL back??Justlikethat?

Well, I've been bitching about being stuck at 233 and how I was sick of seeing that number...haha it's not that number anymore. BRUTAL. I don't even want to write this number down but I need something for my spreadsheet so I guess I have to. It better fall off fast.

My fridge is empty, so time to stock up on veggies and fruits and nice lean proteins and stuff to make healthy breakfasts to bring to work. Same as I always do. Back on the horse....and I really need to think about why I eat so much when I am around my family and either work to change that or not go on trips with them lol. THEY don't eat a lot, so I don't know why I feel compelled to. And that Thanksgiving dinner....geez you'd think I was scared I'd never see another perogy or something. I knew I'd pay for it, but this seems excessive. Mean, mean body.

The Fallout
Oct 14 2009 11:34

Ok post-Thanksgiving wrap-up in a nutshell:

Spent a lot of time driving and eating, a good time was had by all, great to see my relatives, I gained like 5 lbs but hopefully mostly water retention, back to normal life today.

I was supposed to get on the late ferry back to Vic last night but Joel's car broke down on the way there so I ended up having to get up at 4:30 this morning to take public transit to the 7 am sailing. Bussed straight to work and got here about 10. which is just so unfair considering I've been up since 4:30. Yikes. The good part is, I got to spend and extra night with Joel ,and I didn't bike to work today -  it's incredibly windy out there and I really really hate biking in wind. The bad part is, he had to pay for an expensive tow (something bad happenend to the rear axle so they had to send a flat-bed tow truck) and who knows how much the repair will be. His car is only 8 years old and a schmancy car to boot, so it's pretty crappy that it keeps breaking down, it's become this massive money pit.

Speaking of money....the shop called to say my boots are in. I ordered the ones I've been talking about endlessly. So I get t ogo try them today or tomorrow...I want to go today but I have luggage, might just do it anyway cuz I am excited to see if they fit. BUT. They are so out of my budget, it's not even funny. My sisters and mom want to go cross-border shopping the weekend after next...I will feel left out if I don't go, but I certainly can't buy $300 boots AND go shopping, so I am torn about the boots. I need them more than anything else, so I should get them if they actually do fit. Some good news though is that because no one is around for xmas (parents and sister in Palm Springs, my other sister, brother in law and nephew going to Ontario) we decided to only exchange presents with whoever we are with, so for me that means just Joel. WHEW. We will likely spend xmas with his family, so i can rest easy and know that whatever I spend on presents for them will be all I have to spend, and I am sure if we exchange anything it will be little. So I am slightly heartbroken about the idea of no xmas presents, for the first time ever, but also a little excited that I get to buy myself some presents instead ;).

 I added a pic to my gallery of me in the fabulous Thursday outfit, and also a new avatar pic, as you will notice...my face looks so much thinner than I picture myself! It's weird.

There were compliments from my relatives on my weightloss, but not like shock or anything. Hmph. Mostly just "you look so good!"s. And my cousin asked me at one point how I did it. But that's about it, pretty low-key. One awesome thing that happened though....I was going out for a wog (thanks moogie for cointing that term!) around the lake behind my cousin's house, and they were all "oh you can't go out in that, you'll freeze" and offered me a coat and stuff, which I refused, and then said well at least take Lindz's hoodie, which I did....and it fit. Zowie! Lindz is tall and slender and I am flattered that they even thought it would fit, and amazed that it actually did...and then when I got back they said "you must have been too hot, we didn't know you were going for a run" as they'd been watching from the window lol. It was actually perfect cuz I am a cold wimp...but funny I'd surprised them...my sister and mom came too but they went much slower. THe only one that kept up with me was the dog.

I look fabulous today
Oct 08 2009 10:15

Today I am wearing my new brown tights and my brown linen swing skirt that makes my tummy look flat ( which it's SO not, not even close, no way Jose, it's just an amazing illusion) and so I looked for a shorter top to wear with it and came up with a black and turquoise scoop-neck sweater I haven't even worn yet. Black and turquoise with brown, you ask? How is that even remotely an outfit, you ask? I dunno, it just works, I credit the shoes which are fabulous and brocade in blues, golds, silvery-grey and black and just tie it all together. I am so glad because I wasn't sure what to wear this sweater with cuz it's too short to wear with pants, and this skirt really cries out for a shorter top. The bad part is...I bought the shoes several years ago and they are now too big. They used to be too small, seems I went right past actually fitting. DAMMITTT!!!! So I am stepping around very carefully, feel a bit like a 5-year old wearing mommy's shoes...hopefully some thick insoles will solve the problem. Otherwise I will be very sad. This, right after the Fluevogs devastation of last week. I am losing all my good shoes.

The scale was also nice today...back down to 231.5. Go figure. I managed to keep my calories at 1737 yesterday, despite and evening desire for dessert, but fought it off and so I consider the morning weigh-in a reward ;). More likely I was just slightly up due to TTOTM and it dropped off. And I am sure it will return after the road trip/ Thanksgiving meal weekend. I should wear this skirt to TG dinner, it's darn tight around the abdomen, not much rooms for turkey and stuffing stuffing hehe!

Last night I had the most amazing dinner, it was deeeeelish. I had a huge pile of Brussels sprouts with an orange glaze, a baked pork chop and savory bread pudding with celery and onions and prunes. Oooohhh and it just hit me why I had bathroom issues last night LOL!! I am not someone who needs prunes in her diet. Anyway....the bread pudding was portion controlled (I only made one serving), and then I ate so many Brussels sprouts that I only ended up wanting half of the pork, which like never happens, I am a protein junkie....but they were just so darn yummy. And I added a couple spoonsfuls of the gravy Joel and I had made for our fancy pork roast last Valentine's, it's been sitting in the freezer for just such a meal, and made the otherwise plain pork chop special. Yum what a great dinner.

Tonight I plan to make falafels. I am going to bake them instead of fry them; an internet search showed me this has been done successfully. And I was so disappointed in the falafels from our usual shawarma place that we had a couple weeks ago, it was the first time I'd had one since I lived in Saudi Arabia and it was NOTHING like I remember. It was bready and bland and not at all the spicy, herby ball of goodness I remember. So we'll see how making it myself goes....maybe that's just how they taste.

ALso have t pack for the weekend. Apparently it's like  -10 C in Edmonton, and may be even colder through the mountains on our way there, brrr!! Gotta bundle up! I washed all my sweaters last night, so I am ready!

Sigh.
Oct 07 2009 09:14

Only Wednesday? Really?? Damn. This is shaping up to be a loooong week. I am actually looking forward to my weekend trip, driving 24 hours and all. I talked to my mom last night and she was so disappointed that Joel wasn't coming and won't meet my relatives...but jeez 4 people in a jeep is bad enough, 5 would be insanely squishy and for that long of a trip...well he's doing us all a favour by taking a pass. She doesn't see it that way. So she says "well then I guess he won't meet them until the big farm party next summer". It's the 107th anniverary of the farm in Saskatchewan so they are throwing a huge party, I'd love to go but it's certainly not a given. And even less of a given for Joel....he has 5 children that he needs to spend his $$ and holiday time on, I don't think she gets that. Well we will cross that bridge when we come to it, but I predict more disapproval and disappointment in the forecast lol.  

Weight is on hold...it popped back up to 233 and is sticking there. I've seen this effect before, where it goes down a bit and then back to a certain number, up a bit and back, down a bit and back, it's like a cork that keeps coming to the surface. Yep, I am referring to a DP. I can't even say it. BUT, the fact is my calories have been also stubbornly staying around 2000 average, which generally means I won't lose a thing. I still should, but I don't. I blame the years and years of messing with my metabolism. Could be worse. I KNOW that I need to get my calories down to around 1700 or 1800 to lose anything, but I've been unable to do so lately. Like UNABLE. Maybe that's what a plateau really is...your body demands the food it needs, it just doesn't want to let go of any weight right now. So I can try to force it by summoning up some freakin will power, which I know is a pretty shallow well in my case, or I can just ride it out and push my calories back down when it feels easier to do so. I hate the trying, and not making it, and being disappointed in myself and then going into a new week trying and failing again....it's really demoralizing. But oh, success is so sweet!! I think the only thing that keeps me trying sometimes is an addiction to the sweetness of success.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day
Oct 06 2009 11:11

I've been grumpy lately, mostly pms stuff and having to leave Joel every Sunday. It takes a toll. We had a great weekend together, travelled to see his son's hockey games, visited with his grampa, stayed at a no-tell motel and ate at a roadside diner, it was fun. But come Sunday night the fun is over and I have to face another week alone. Again. Pooooor me, woe is me, I'm gonna eat some worms.

Yesterday was painting class after work. I started up a new painting, it's a little too van Gogh starry night, well a lot actually, but looks nice and I am proud of it. My first painting, an abstract one, is still in progress too. I had an embarassing incident while discussing it with the instructor. I stayed late and he was giving me advice about how to paint with my emotions, he said think of a first kiss and how it makes you feel, how it's spontaneous and all-consuming and you think of nothing but being in the moment, etc etc...he just kept going on and ON about kissing...and while he was talking it occurred to me that he and I were alone in the studio, talking about kissing....cue my internal 13-yr-old awkward girl. I was then embarassed about being embarassed, and felt a blush coming on, and then thought OH GOD PLEASE NO BLUSHING so of course I blushed harder. It was all very embarassing. With any luck he didn't notice, or just thought it was cute LOL....geez I am 38 I didn't think I still had the ability to blush over silly stuff like that. My coworker told me I was blushing just talking about it lol...oh well.

Next weekend is our marathon drive to Edmonton for Thanksgiving with relatives I have not seen in two years. It's going to be hellish, a minimum 12 hour drive in my parent's little jeep, then one day there and then the 12 hour deive back. It's nuts...but it's the only way I get to see them, since I can't afford the money or time to see them otherwise. This way is cheap and just one day off work to do it. Too bad for Facebook, the impact of my weight loss/ change won't be as dramatic hehe. I do love being shocking. It will be so great to see everyone too, I miss them!

So now just trying to get through the rest of the week. I don't hardly get to see Joel on the weekend either as he's not coming, there's just not enough room :(. This is hard....but won't be forever. I know that. Yesterday was particularly hard, but today I am feeling marginally more positive, it was a lovely morning to bike and the day is going well and the future is a big shiny present waiting to be discovered.

It's the weekend-eve!
Sep 30 2009 10:51

I took Friday off as my flex day so my weekend is almost here, woo hoo! I have to remember to pack tonight, it seems to early to pack but yup it's time! Also have to do laundry, blech. And remeber to bring warmer clothes as we will be spending time in ice rinks. I tried on all my winter jackets/ coats and they are are looser than last year, which is nice. I am glad I bought everything on the tight side. I also went to wear a sweater today and it stinks. They all do...not sure why or like what, but everything is going to need a wash before wearing this year. Maybe the poison that the exterminator used did it. THe colder weather is definately setting in, so gotta get on that. The H&M fitted trench coat I bought a few months ago looks fab, I wore it to painting class on Monday. Makes my waist look tiny!

I reeeeally want the boots I talked about a couple weeks ago, despite their prohibitive price. I have not seen them in person yet, the store was supposed to call me when they came in but haven't. So I might stop by after work today, just to see if they are in. October is a three-paycheque month, which is great, except that the extra $$ is ALL already spoken for. I desperately need footwear though....my work shoes finally gave up the ghost. Generally I just have one pair of black shoes I keep at work so I don't have to haul other shoes back and forth in my backpack every day. So I really need to replace those too. Maybe with knee-high lace up boots?? In the meantime I am wearing my old Fluevog maryjanes. They are beautiful shoes, were quite expensive and are very well-made, but the square toe was always a bit too squishy if I wore them too long. Well. Now that there is less fat holding my foot in place, my toes slide right to the front and there's mucho squishiness. I am disappointed, I was hoping they'd get more comfy not less! I guess I will have to consign them or something.

I want to thank you all for being so supportive in my last post. It means a lot to me....I do get nervous sharing that kind of stuff. I should not be embarassed to have a dream, I know!

 Halloween is coming. Last year's zombie dress-up was so fun, we want to do it again this year, but have no similar event. There is a big parade the weekend before, Parade of Lost Souls, that is an annual event. I've never gone but always wanted to, it's like a big street party but with a Day of the Dead feel. Zombies are pefect there! So we are going to attend in costume. And the weekend before that, we are going to a play held in a castle here, every year around Halloween they have different ghoulish plays that are not on a stage you just kind of follow the actors around the castle. Sounds cool...this year they are doing Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. I am looking forward to it! So that leaves actual Halloween weekend still open. I do so love Halloween! Hope something comes up!