victoriagirl's Journal

SO close...and yet...nothing
May 30 2008 08:50

So I got on the scale this morning, hopeful as ever, and maybe a little moreso since I decided to break the plateau. I hopped on, looked, and it said 270.5. A full two pound loss from yesterday. Woohooooo!!! And for two or three golden minutes, I was thrilled and a little awed by the power of my mind, wow, I really did it, with the SHEER FORCE OF MY WILL muahahahaha!!!!

Then, I did something stupid.

I thought, gee what if it's just an anomoly. I should double -check it to make sure, otherwise I will be wondering all weekend because I am heading to my bf's place right after work and won't be home until Monday night. So maybe I'll just have one more go at it.

ARGHHH. Back up to 273.5!!! So the rest of my morning was a succession of weigh-ins, trying all sorts of different things, like getting off and on again a bunch of times in a row, weighing something else in beteween, waiting 15 minutes to try again, standing on one foot, moving it to a different spot on the floor....it said all sorts of nasty things, at one point it said 274.5 and I swear I almost smashed it, only the thought that I have neighbors below me and thin walls stopped me from throwing it violently on the floor and stomping it to death. After all that, the best I could get was 273. Which is a half-pound UP. FUUUUUUCCCKKK!!!!!

Should have just left well enough alone. Instead, I made myself late for work, totally disgusted and disgruntled myself, and sadly, am no longer awed by the power of my mind .

I give it until Monday. If it does not break by Monday, I will bring in the heavy artillery. THE RE-FEED. Which I am scared of because it involves eating a lot more than I am used to and I don't want to like it. And, the initial effect is a small gain, which is also scary. So wish me luck, wish all of us luck who are stuck in some godforsaken no-man's land, the dieters with no weight loss, the damned <insert big melodramatic sigh here>

Willing the plateau away
May 29 2008 09:44

Another Monday is fast approaching, and my weight is holding steady. If I see 272.5 on that scale for a third Monday in a row, I will scream. It's not fair. I am doing everything right. I never cheat. I count everything and make sure I am within 1700-1800 cals. I have biked to work every day this week. I am drinking green tea and lots of water. IT"S NOT FAIR. Soon it will be June 1 and my monthly total will suck because of this stupid stall.

I guess all I can do for now is keep on keepin' on. I don't want to zig zag or the other alleged plateau-breaking stuff, so I have decided I will WILL it away. The mind is a powerful thing. One time I had this hideous mole-thing develop on my face, I was horrified...my doctor made me an appointment with a dermatologist who would likely just burn it off....but it turned black and fell off my face before the appointment. I brought pictures just to prove it had been there, she identified it as some unpronouncable mole-thing, and said they never just fall off, they have to be removed. Ha. I had willed it off (I guess I should have provided a gross-out warning before telling that story, sorry bout that hehe). The point is, I didn't want it on my body so I made it go away. Goodbye, plateau, don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

Week 20 and the dreaded Plateau has finally hit aiee!!
May 27 2008 13:16

Well I got on the scale Monday morning and it did not bear good news. In fact it was up about a pound from last week, which i can only assume is natural fluctuation as i totally stayed on track last week and there's no way i can gain any weight on a 700 cal daily deficit. I know that. But today it said the same thing. Cruel cruel scale, what have I done to offend you so??

I am pretty sure I am looking at a plateau here....the only movement at all in the last 10 days or so has been little fluctuations up and back....no down at all...I'm scared. I have heard of people being plateaued for weeks or even months. I am still 272 freakin pounds, I CANNOT afford to stall for months, I will die. Okay that's a bit melodramatic but I really can't face a long plateau.

Maybe too soon to panic....I have learned about tactics for fighting a plateau like zig-zagging calories, "re-feeding" (eating maintenance or 2-300 cals over for 1-2 days), changing up exercize routine, or doing a "cleanse". None of these sound particularly appealing...I like my plan, I am a routine-oriented person and change stresses me out. So I am going to hold off making any changes for another week, just to make sure it's really a plateau, before doing anything drastic.

I'm freaked out though.

All my underwear are too big
May 23 2008 01:21

So I have reached that wonderful place where ALL the clothes in my closet fit me (not counting my skinny jeans from 1990 or so). Many are just too big and have been bagged to go. My wardrobe is a lot smaller now, but I have quite a few items that I bought a couple sizes smaller two years ago, and they all fit again, even better than before. Yay!

The bad part is, I can't afford new clothes. I had to buy a blazer for work (which I bought in a size 16 so that should be wearable for quite some time) and that's all I can really budget in for a looong time. The clothes I am ok on....but what do I do about the undergarments? All my underwear are too big and baggy, I only have one or two bras that still fit well and soon will have none, and my bra-tanks are a joke. Gym leggings are also getting too loose, and they are the expensive type - I have shorts, capri-length and full-length, and it's seems a real shame to get rid of them when they cost so much and I have nothing to replace them with. My boyfriend bought me some new panties last weekend, but I only got 5 pairs....I guess i will have to start doing laundry more often!

I guess this is a pretty good problem to have

Goodbye rash moster, hello rollercoasters!!
May 21 2008 11:37

I high-tailed it to my boyfriend's place on Friday, he said COME HERE NOW when I told him how I was feeling so low. Turned out to be a very cool weekend. We took his daughter to the fair on Saturday, and I RODE ROLLERCOASTERS and various other rides!!! Yay, another goal reached! I was SO relieved that my ass actually fit all the rides. Also it was 33 degrees celsius, hot hot hot, and I did not die of heatstroke or even get all red and sweaty. Not even a heat rash in those sensitive areas!! YAY! Is it possible the Rash Monster has finally been banished? It would seem so...thanks to the prescription cream...I guess it's required in order to get rid of a skin yeast infection. Hehe. Well I didn't know! Anyway its all cleared up and even the heat on Saturday did not cause a recurrence, so I am pretty thrilled all around.

Drama of last week's PMS is over. I managed to avoid the strong urge to go an a chocolate rampage, but just barely. I really need to start marking the PMS week on my calendar, and make sure I: A) Banish the scale for the week, B) Do not enter any emotional or inflamatory threads on CC, C) have some low-cal treats on hand just in case, and D) be aware that there WILL be weepiness for no good reason. I am 36, you'd think I would have this figured out by now.

We have portraits being taken tomorrow at work for headquarters. Wish me luck...I hate other people taking my picture, I have no editorial control.

Serious self-pity ahead
May 16 2008 15:36

I feel really low today. I feel bad about the body comp results even though I know they are not necessarily true, I feel bad about stuff i said in the breast implant thread, I feel bad about my boyfriend not seeming to care if I come over this weekend, I feel bad bad bad. And I just rehashed the sob story of my past relationship which believe me is really pathetic. And through it all I know that it is 4 days before my period which is PRIME pms time for me, and know that none of these emotions are real, I am just sad and looking for a reason to be. I am not a bad person, I am not weak, my boyfriend loves me and does want to see me, I am strong and capable and good, then why do I feel like I suck. Stupid hormones. I need pie. Or cake, a big peice of chocolate yumminess. CHOCOLATE PIE. It's brilliant. Except that I will then feel even worse. What's a girl to do??

Monthly body comp results: :(
May 16 2008 11:22

Warning: Cursing ahead.

I am not feeling very good today. I want to be able to rise above the scale and it's cruel jokes, I really do, but when the gym scale is just as mean it kinda starts to get you down, you know?

I went for my monthly body comp yesterday, it was some new girl doing it, even newer than my Perky Stick Girl, who I miss. She did not do measurements, which were really my only hope after the crushing results of the body comp. What it said? For the whole month, I am only down 5 lbs, and three of those were from muscle. WTF??? Goddamit!!! So she gave me a lecture about keeping up on my circuit training (which admittedly I havent been) and eating lots of lean protein (which I have been, and lots of it) and made me agree to come to the gym 4 days a week (totally unrealistic) and to concentrate on resistance rather than cardio (but still do like 20 min cardio). That is actually a preferable scenario for me, I am NOT a fan of cardio but have been focussing my workouts on it for that very reason. I dont like it because its hard, its hard because I am not fit, I need to get more fit for it to be less hard. So if moving towards more resistance/less cardio is in order, I am ok with that, especially since I am sometimes biking to work now so get extra cardio there.

What I don't get is, how is it possible that my body gave up 3 LBS of muscle?? For gosh sakes I have like 140 lbs of FAT for it to draw from, why in god's name would it feel the need to take my much needed muscle?? I feed it protein all the time, I am only on a 700ish cal per day defecit which should (and does) come to a 1.5 lbs per week loss...so why the FUCK is it taking my muscle?? I don't even know who to blame in all this. The logical answer is that I need to do more resistance excercises to maintain my muscle mass...IF it's true.

You see, I kind of messed up the process by A. Biking home from work right before going for the body comp and B. Drinking a mess of water after biking as it was HOT and I was thirsty. Crazy, I know. So I was mildly dehydrated and had water sitting in my stomach and who knows what else messes up the Machine...so it's possible that water was being interpreted as fat, I dunno...and if I was a bit dehydrated the water than should have been in my muscles was not there and may have then been measured as slightly lighter...I don't really know how the Machine works so it's possible these things screwed up the reading and it's possible they did not.

So. That in combination with my own stupid scale, who told me on Monday I was 275 and now REFUSES to go back there or less...today it actually had the nerve to say 277.5, I actually called it a fucking bitch with quite a bit of venom too...I am feeling despondent. I know I am doing all the right things....but maybe it's time to re-evaluate my intake/defecit numbers and be brutally honest about the exercise I get. Maybe it's just not enough to support a LIghtly Active designation, maybe I should go back to Sedentary which results in 300 less calories per day :( or maybe I should split the difference and go 150 less calories per day...but that wont solve the muscle loss problem if it is in fact a problem...crap. What to do. Maybe it;s just too soon to panic, maybe I should just keep doing what I am doing and wait to see what happens next month. Argh.

My scale is posessed
May 14 2008 15:46

Anybody know how to do an exorcism?

My scale has decided to be totally histrionic and is giving me all sorts of weird readings. Monday was down 6.5 for the week...I kept trying again until it gave me a more reeasonable 4.5 loss ("hey lady give me a break how many times do i gotta take you standing on me geez here you go"). Then yesterday it was up a pound from that, then today it was up two MORE so i got on a few times and the least it would go was two higher than Monday so I stopped. Geez louise....could the battery be dying? It's never been so temperamental before...or more logically, it's possessed by evil demons. Clearly, So if anyone has some ideas on ritual spirit cleansing  they would be greatly appreciated. But nothing that includes eye of newt, I aint got no newts.

I need to force a real reading out of it by Monday so time is of the essence. I swear if i have to record another gain like two weeks ago I will...well I am not sure what i will do but it won't be nice.

Check me out!
May 13 2008 20:49

I added a couple new pics of me taken May 3rd on my sister's b-day. I look hot. I know I still have a loooong way to go, weight-loss-wise...but it's nice to still be able to look hot in the interim ;)

I take it all back
May 12 2008 11:33

Poooor clam fritters, I gave them such a bad rap ;)

My scale started cooperating the very next day, and for my Monday weigh-in I am down 4.5 lbs for the week....crazy man! I know part of it is just evening out last week's 1 lb gain, for a two-week total of -3.5 lbs, perfect...I am a weight-loss machine, I love it! I take it back about the evilness of clam fritters, they are just trying to make a living like everybody else. Heehee....I am slightly giddy today after such a happy weigh-in. I was down to 275 yesterday as well, so seeing the same number today is very gratifying, two days in a row means it's definately true!

I had an awesome weekend too, Joel came over to my place and he was still recovering from his ear infection so we spent most of the weekend in bed. Eeeeeexcellent. We did go out for mexican food, yum...he said it was ok but likes the way I cook better. Which really works out for everyone...it's cheaper, I love to cook and can control the ingredients/portions much better, and we both like the taste better. As well, I love staying home and cooking a meal with him, it's great fun. I am a true Cancer. We also went to a movie, Iron Man, it was pretty good....I am not usually into superhero flicks but Robert Downy Jr. is one of my favourite actors, and he made it good. I just love his dry delivery of humour.

Also went to buy underwear, which Joel bought for me he is so sweet, cuz my old ones are too big. Hehe....I can't remember ever having to go buy smaller underwear! I bought all 2X, boy cut, which I never used to like but apparently do now. And 2x!!! Yay me. Saw a shirt we liked, I tried it on and Joel insisted on buying it for me too, and it was.....drum roll please....a size 20. A little snug around the belly/hip area but the 22 was too big on top. And it was hard cotton, not stretchy type stuff. I can't believe I fit a 20. Who'da thunk it?? I did try on a pair of 20 jeans as well, not quite there yet, but soon.

So I have decided, for sure, that I am definately getting rid of all the too-big clothes from my winter stuff. I put them in a big garbage bag last night, after leaving them in a pile for several weeks beside my closet. Thanks to all you who said GET RID OF EM. I am doing it. It's time. I have an ever-increasing section of empty hangers in the closet...I guess when there are more empty than full, I will have to do some serious shopping...for now I can't afford it anyway.