victoriagirl's Journal

Tired. Sick. Bloaty. Hmph.
Aug 11 2009 09:23

I am tired. The weekend was great, Joel came to my place and we had a nice low-key couple of days, but by Sunday night I was feeling very off. And I'd been coughing all week. So I was scared of what might hit...especially when I learned my little nephew has a bronchial infection, and I am prone to those, and apparently eveyone else had been coughy last week too. Great. Well the good news is I don't feel nearly as sick as I was afraid I might, not yet anyway. And I have an old steroid inhaler-thingie if my lungs don't clear up, though I am not sure how long to wait before resorting to that. Hopefully I just get better on my own.

So that coupled with first day of my period made the ride into work today very painful. I just feel very tired. And sad. No one to take care of me.

Yesterday was my flex day, so I spent it alone as Joel had to go home Sunday night. OMG loneliness, feeling a bit sick and very PMSy and having time and access to cookie-making ingredients is a dangerous combination. I ended up eating 4 cookies plus some ice cream, in addition to having comfort-food perogies for lunch, went over maintenance calories, so high it's going to screw up my weekly average no matter how well I do the rest of the week. Oh well, last week was brilliant so I am allowed one off day.

My boss is back from her medical leave. I am glad, we need her here, but I am feeling pressure...I got like 10 emails from her this morning already. I just don't feel up to it. I don't really feel up to anything, but don't really want to go home either, it's too boring and lonely and dangerous what with all the food there. So, I am grumpy and just wish this day were over.

Bike fixed, weekend approaches, soup yummy...life is good!
Aug 06 2009 09:49

I limped my bike to the repair shop yesterday, leaving work early to do so...I got there early enough that they looked at it right then and there. It took the guy all of 30 seconds to fix it. No charge. Wow!! I keep forgetting that bike repair is nothing like car repair.

HeyI keep forgetting to mention that I ordered some PB2 samples and they arrived last week. Yesterday I tried some mixed with jam on toast, it was really good. But, the powder is quite fluffy, and so when you rehydrate it with water, it deflates to half the volume, so Tbsp per Tbsp it is not as huge a calorie savings as they claim. The powder itself is 25 cals per Tbsp, but rehydrated it's like 50 cals per Tbsp, whereas reduced-fat Kraft peanut butter is 80 cals, so yeah not that big a deal if you are just smearing some on toast. However, for stuff like peanutbutter pie it will be great, and in sauces where I want peanut flavour but don't want to add a lot of extra fat. So I will likely order a jar or two. The powder by itself is pretty yummy too, tastes like peanut-flavoured icing sugar! There IS sugar in it, so yeah natural peanut butter or almond butter would be healthier, but often i avoid it as 90-100 cals per Tbsp is just too high a price. That's my essay on PB2.

Yesterday's lunch soup was so yummy I made it again for today. It's so cold in here, it's nice to have a hot lunch. And on top of it, it's cold and dreary outside too...where did summer go? Come back...come back!

Today the scale said 233.5. I saw that number a week or two ago as a new low, so I knew it wouldn't stick and it didn't, but now I think it will. Oh yay, the 220's are so close!! Amazing, wonder of wonders, who would have ever thought! I am impatient to get there, but I have a feeling the 220's will be around for a good long time for me. I don't know why I think that, I just have a feeling. Maybe it's only because I can't imagine ME in the 210s....unthinkable. Seems so very very close too 200!! I swear, the day I am under 200 I will cry like a baby.

I was watching Hell's Kitchen the other day, and during one of the private confessions or whatever you call it, where they talk "privately" to the camera, one of the guys - who's a very portly fellow, mind you - was saying how he was mad that their new team member was this girl Lacey, he said "we just got rid of some dead weight and now we are being stuck with 250 lbs of new dead weight, it's not fair". This girl Lacey is a bigger girl, but no way she's over even 200, clearly he just threw that in there to be insulting and mean. AND he's very overweight himself, WTF??? Not only was it mean, it made him look so incredibly dumbass, does he not realize he's a huge black pot?? Why must people be so mean and hurtful anyway? I think it struck a nerve because I have dealt with comments like this in my past, and yes sometimes from people who were overweight themselves. It's always mystified me. I became a very meek and quiet person to avoid getting insulted this way, when you are fat that's the first thing that people insult you about, it's just too easy. I havent gotten anything like that in a loooong time, but if I do, I can't help wondering what the best way to deal with it is. What would give the agressor the least amount of satisfaction, or make them feel bad. I never did figure that one out.

Anyhoo, now I am just babbling to avoid work! I better get to it. Happy Thursday Friday Eve everyone!

Humpday reflections
Aug 05 2009 10:21

Is it lunchtime yet? I have the yummiest lunch waiting for me, this morning I made a pot of miso soup with cabbage, snow peas, mushrooms, tofu, prawns, egg whites, green onions, and vermicelli noodles. And for all that, only 339 calories. So somehow I need to eat the entire pot of soup, I hope no one catches me eating such a massive lunch lol...it's like 6 cups of soup...even so, it's too low cal, so I brought some cheese and crackers and fruit too! I am sure I will be way too full for fruit, I'll save it for later.

My bike gears are all crunchy, and I am about two weeks past my one-year free tuneups, wouldn't you know it. Sigh. So I'll have to leave work early to bring it into the shop, and likely have to leave it there and walk home in my bike gear, nice. I refuse to take the bus when I can walk though, so it's my choice.

Due to cellophane_star's journal entry, I've been thinking about choice...how much of what I do is choice? Changing my life, eating and living healthy, sure feels like choice...but before this I certainly never chose to be overweight and unhappy. It felt completely beyond my control, and I put a lot of energy into figuring out how to learn to live with it and be happy with myself anyway. It feels like that in-between step was essential to making the changes I did a year and a half ago. So what parts were choice? What parts were the evolution of my life, luck in meeting the right people who would help me change for the better and shed those who held me back? I chose to break up with my ex, I am the one who set the ball of inevitability rolling even before I knew it...but during that relationship I sure didn't feel like I was choosing to be so miserable. Maybe choosing things is only possible when you believe you can....and that we can truly change our lives, our bodies, ourselves by choosing to. Understanding your power to choose, and really believing it, is so powerful! I never knew. I still feel like I am held back a lot by my inability to believe that I can CHOOSE. I've made major strides, I've learned a lot in this journey so far, but I feel like I still have so far to go....not just in pounds, but in beliving in myself in other areas of my life too. I am working on it! I wish I could somehow make everyone who is struggling with being severely overweight believe in themselves the way that I am learning to.

Arg I can't believe it's only Wednesday. Not counting today, just two more days to go, I can make it! A coworker is going to California for an extra-long weekend starting tomorrow, I am unspeakably jealous.

Is it lunchtime yet?

Just Say No to fry-fests!
Aug 04 2009 09:07

The weekend was hot, sunny, good times, too short! They are always too short.

The parade was great, lots of cool floats, and we were dressed for the occasion! I found a bowler hat and moustache at the costume store to go with my outfit, and Joel bought a pink wig. Pic in my gallery. We look cute. And, wonder of wonder, I look smaller than him!! I have never looked smaller than a boyfriend, ever! But Joel does not make an attractive drag queen, his neck and shoulders are way too big. No one even blinked, though...I guess in Vancouver on Gay Pride weekend people are completely unfazed by folks dressed in drag. Poor Joel found out about the pain of high heels lol....sure they are comfortable for the first half an hour, then get worse and worse until you are in agony and are consumed by one burning thought: TAKE SHOES OFF NOW. Haha welcome to my world. He ended up taking them off halfway through the parade, then for the walk home we switched shoes. Now he knows why I don't like wearing them much, and act like such a wuss when I do. I like how they look, but can't handle them for more than a couple hours. Maybe someday I will be so light on my feet, I can wear them for hours and hours and not even notice.

I went way over calories for a few days in a row on the weekend, back to sort-of good yesterday...this morning when I did my weigh-in I was relieved to see no gain, and even a one-pound loss for the week. Whew! Back to clean eating and chasing the 1800-average goal.

On Friday we had gone for dinner at Steveston which is like a fisherman's wharf-type place with lots of seafood restaurants....we thought we'd indulge in some yummy fish n chips, as it's been forever since we'd had any. Well. We shared a platter for two that included a bunch of different types of fish, sort of a sample platter was what we thought. When it came out it was this huge double-decker plate of battered, fried stuff we couldn't even identify at first glance. The calamari was rubbery and soggy, the salmon was gross, the cod had bones, and we didn't even touch the oysters, they were MASSIVE and scary-looking. THe only thing that was worth eating was the halibut. I don't know why we were so surprised to see that pile of fryness come out, but we were. We didn't even come close to finishing, and still felt horrible afterwards. Never again. I learned two things....one, never ever order any platter of fried stuff, as it actually IS a platter of fried stuff LOL....and two, if something comes out and does not look/smell/taste good, accept that I made a mistake and do NOT feel compelled to eat it anyway. I knew the second that food arrived it would be a terrible experience, but I have a problem with wasting food or paying for something I don't eat...Joel has an even bigger problem with that...but tough luck. Next time I will decline to eat, well hopefully there won't be a next time. I was SO jealous of other tables that ordered stuff that looked so much better, like the clam chowder and grilled fish with salsa and boiled crab. Oh well. Live and learn. At least Joel and I are on the exact same page about it. For the rest of the weekend he wanted only salad, well even after a fry-fest like that I can't subsist on salad alone, so there was some compromising, but for the most part it was all healthy clean food, just a bit too much of it. Sunday dinner at my parents' was ribs, a real weakness of mine, and lots of other yummy stuff. So all in all, I am really fortunate to have just stayed the same. Yay for sameness!

Now, four days until another weekend, I wish I was on holidays.  

More about bloodletting and pride parades :)
Jul 31 2009 11:38

So I biked home after work yesterday, but I took it really slow and had no issues. I even walked my bike up the biggest hill, felt like a total wuss doing it but it was actually a relief in this heat! It's been SO hot lately, record-breaking hot. It's so weird, my towels and sheets feel like they just came out of the dryer when I touch them, and sweat forms on any body part that contacts anything else, it's gross. It's so hot my cat isn't even attempting to sleep with me lately, except for last night when I moved the floor fan into my bedroom and trained it on the bed. I slept better, so did she I am sure. Aaaaanyways, I was A OK from the ride and all evening, I only had one bad moment really, and it was my fault for being a dumbass. Regularly, if I ever go from a laying-down position to walking too quickly, I get a little light-headed, sometimes see stars. If I sit up slowly it's ok, but sometimes I get an idea of something I want to do and leap up too fast. I did that last night and I didn't just see stars, everything actually went gray around the edges. Major headrush! I imagine that's what it must feel like to pass out, if it continued and went from gray to black....I just stood still for a few moments and it went away, whew. Oops. I should have known better.

I somehow ended up eating over maintenance yesterday. I blame the bloodletting. Messes up my weekly average, darn it.

So I am pretty sure I am going to wear my red sparkle shoes with my man-outfit. I've decided it's gay pride parade, the most important rule is "anything goes", so there! I am ok with making a partial statement lol. And my friend A, who wil be at the parade, said I can borrow his fedora if I can't find one for myself. He has a really big head so it might not fit, but mine's pretty big too. He's really more sister's friend than mine, she emailed to ask him, but since I am actively supporting him by attending AND participating (he's gay), he said I am moved up to the head of the line lol, and to her he bid her good day, because she's not coming. Haha.

I am really looking forward to the weekend, almost here!

I'm a pint low
Jul 30 2009 15:13

I gave blood today, for the first time. It was a big drama because one of the other people I went with passed out, it was his first time too, so I got even more freaked out than I was and felt a little faint myself. It was just in my head, though, I was fine. Fit as a fiddle. But, when the nurse was asking me all their questions, my stomach started growling so she didn't believe I'd eaten recently and made me drink yucky over-sweet tang before donating. I  really had, I swear, it's just that I hadn't had a full lunch (we went at 11:30), just breakfast then a snack around 11, and my body is used to a big lunch right at noon, so by the time we were in the interview it was way after noon. Then, while I was in the chair, the guy passed out and I got scared so I drank more "juice" and ate cookies after. Any calorie deficit I got from giving blood was put right back in with pure sugar. Bleh. They weren't even good, next time I'll bring my own refeshments. It was quite the adventure though! The nurse advised I not bike home today, but i will just take it slow. I seriously feel totally normal, I figured I would, I am tough.

Tonight I pack for the weekend, I have to pack extra shoes for Joel to try out, and a couple of dresses for him, and extra make-up and jewellery. As for me, I am sad I am missing out on the glam and glitter. I have a pair of red sequined Dorothy-type shoes, but if he wears those i will be way too jealous lol. I want to wear red sparkle shoes. I considred dressing up as a drag queen too, but it doesn't quite pack the same punch statement-wise. Instead of "supporting non-traditional gender roles" it would just be "I like to be sparkly...and so does my boyfriend" LOL.

Yay for long weekends, for lazy work days where I do nothing but give blood, for free pints of Ben and Jerry ice cream, and for red sparkle shoes....even if i don't get to be the one wearing them.

Cross-dressing and lunch and crazy people
Jul 29 2009 11:35

So I told Joel I am on board with the dressing in drag for the pride parade....I have never dressed up for it so I am a little nervous, I mean I am usually just a quiet bystander, not a statement-maker, so yeah. Eeks. And I know it's dumb but I have to admit, a small part of me is afraid to be mistaken for being gay. I am not happy about that bit of homophobia in myself, so it makes me want to do this even more, as a statement not just to everyone but to myself too. It really IS ok to be different than the norm, I really DO support alternative lifestyles, and I DO believe in supporting non-traditional gender roles. Plus it will be good fun. I hope. I've pretty much decided on wearing one of Joel's work shirts and tie, but it will be too hot for pants so I'll just team it with my dark jean capris and some flats. And hopefully I will find a cool hat, and pencil on a moustache, and wear dramatic dark eye makeup with it for some sexiness too. Joel will likely wear my blue polka-dot sundress and a pair of my heels, I'll have to bring a bunch over to see which ones fit best, and maybe we can find a cheap wig. It's like Halloween in July!

We are having a bit of a heat-wave here. Last night was so hot and muggy I slept with no covers at all, completely nude, and the fan running, all night long. And still woke up hot. I plunged my head in cold water and could not face the blow-dryer, so i am a fuzz-head today. Oh well. ALso I made a big salad for lunch, with just fruit as a side, as I could not imagine eating anything hot or starchy. Well I have been sitting in my icy office for several hours now and can definately imagine eating something warm and starchy, and am very sad all I have is salad and fruit. I may go buy some soup, odd day to go to the soup place but there you have it. I wonder if they even sell soup in this weather.

And I think the heat makes people a little crazy, as we're just not used to it. There is a strage sort of haunted-house place across the street from my condo, they have lots of wild foliage and I NEVER see anyone there but they have flowers on the porch so I know someone must live there....anyway last night there was a big police incident, from what I could gather there was yelling and cursing coming from the yard so a neighbor went over to tell the woman to shut the heck up and ended up getting into an altercation and all I heard for the entire 20 minutes it took the police to arrive was screaming LET GO OF MY HAIR and CALL 911 over and over and over. A small crowd had gathered, with some people stopping others from going in, at one point one dude went in a dragged another dude who'd gone in out and I thought they might come to blows on the sidewalk. I don't know who was weirder in that whole deal, but I'll tell you this, I won't ever walk on that side of the sidewalk! Yikes. Does this mean I live in a bad neighborhood?? Didn't look like anyone got arrested though. The trespasser walked away after being hauled out and then talking to police, I heard her telling them that the woman inside had told her I am going to rip out all your hair in a scary witch-voice (I'd have hauled ass at that point, don't know what she was doing in there!) but no one else came out of the yard except police and paramedics. They were there a long time though. That woman had some pipes! And she DID have long unruly hair. Straaaange happenings.

When I sneeze, no one blesses me
Jul 28 2009 09:12

Just a small rant about my job. I am putting it in writing...I dislike working here. The work itself has it's good parts and bad parts, like any job. I moved here thinking this was my dream job, and it was, but I have changed a lot as a person in the lat year and it's no longer the perfect job for me. Ahhh the irony. Even still, I am ok with doing what I am doing,for now...it's not the job itself I dislike, it's working here. Maybe I am just feeling that there is a lack of energy, lack of direction, lack of team spirit, lack of connection, all because my boss has been away for 6 weeks, and without her we are kinda falling apart. But I don't really believe that's all of it...without her it's just much more noticable. And being at that probation office for two days reminded me what it's like to be in an environment where people care about eachother. Where people say bless you and hey how was your weekend and nice haricut. I know I should be grateful to have a good stable job right now, and focus on the good parts....but I can't seem to help how I feel. There's really no end in sight, though, there is a province-wide govt hiring freeze so unless I want to find something else researchy in private sector (god no) or totally change what I do completely (I have a dream to start up a cafe where I make only healthy food and all the nutritional information is provided on the menu, I came up with this idea last year as there is nothing like that here. I recently heard that NYC does this by law but is only required if you are a chain of at least 10. Anyway...I digress.)

We had a nice weekend, low key and easy. Did a little biking, a little canasta, saw a movie, lolled in bed. It was great, just too short, as usual. Next weekend is the gay pride parade in Van, so I will definately go there for the long weekend. I have only missed a few years of the parade since I moved to BC, it's always fun to watch. Joel said he'd like to go in drag, haha he's always looking for an opportunity to wear a dress! (I mean like, Halloween, not like sunday dinner or something lol). He suggested we both go in drag, but I don't want to dress like a man, I LIKE being pretty! But I thought about it and actually I really like the statement that would make, about challenging traditional gender roles and it's ok to be different, I really support that, so maybe. But when it comes down to it I doubt he'll want to shave his legs or buy a wig! Plus it's probably going to be freakin hot, way too hot for a wig on him or a suit on me, I like the idea just not the actuality of it.

A week of attaining target calories = win!
Jul 24 2009 09:04

Thanks so much everyone for your positive feedback about my hair and stuff. It means a lot to me to hear it from you all!

Scale hit a new low this morning - 233.5 - I almost couldn't even find the right keys to type that, it's so foreign, lol. I am being rewarded for my week of sticking to target. Yay for natural consequences, they are working to my advantage this week!

I was actually under target for three days, but then it averaged out with yesterday....I was at book club and the woman hosting had quite a spread laid out. She had a cheese plate with triple-cream brie, morbiere, and a couple of hard cheeses (I think friolano, and maybe a comte) that were all to die for and totally out of my budget so I may have over-indulged a bit on those. I am such a nerd...I totally placed myself so that I was nearest the cheese-plate and wouldn't have to reach for it so would not be as obvious that I was gorging on it lol....my friend C and I had biked the hilly 9km there though, so felt we deserved cheese, and marvelled afterwards about her huge gorgeous house and the wonderful cheeses, fruits and nuts, all the best things, yum! We both avoided the tarts though, actually everyone did and felt a bit bad for not eating her tarts but I made up for it in cheese consumption! Oh it was so yummy, I haven't had morbiere since France, the hostess didn't even know what it was (it's a soft cheese with a line of ashes through the middle, so I could easily identify it, it was one of my faves in France). Oh to be so rich I could buy cheeses like that! Our new book is called Snuff, it's about a porn star who decides she wants to break porn records by having sex with 600 men all in a row on camera...but one of them wants to kill her. It's written by the guy who wrote Fight Club, it's apparently full of black humour, so I am REALLY looking forward to it. And I was afraid book club would be dry and too literary, ha!

I spent the past two work days at one of our probation offices, doing a kind of job shadow thing, so I am really behind on work and better get to it!

Have a great weekend everyone, I know I will! It's supposed to be hot and sunny here, Joel is coming over, life is good.

New hair pics in gallery...
Jul 21 2009 22:29

So I took a few pics to show you guys my new hair cut. And a couple of things surprised me.

First of all....where's my big double chin?? Almost gone, I say! I always, always take pics of myself with the camera raised high above me, to get a top-down shot that eliminates the double chin. I accidentally took one straight on, and oddly there was no big chin, so I took a few more on purpose from straight on, just to see, like my avatar photo. Wild eh! It seems the lat few pounds I have lost have all come off my chin!

And...where's my back fat? In the shot I took to show the side of my hair, I noticed that my upper back has a strange flat look to it. OMG. It's like a regular person's now, no "hump"! (If you look in my old pics I have had this for a long time and have no idea when it disappeared! For example you can see that rounded upper back area in the pic of me on my bike with a pony tail). Wowee!