victoriagirl's Journal

Goodness me, goodness me, industrial disease
Jul 09 2009 11:54

Title not relevant to entry...it's just a song that's been stuck in my head. I don't even think it's the right words. Who says goodness me?? Just me I think.

Scale said 237 this morning, I've seen it before but it's pretty much the lowest I've seen for the last couple weeks. If I am good for the rest of the week maybe I will even see 236!! Here's hoping.

The weekend approacheth, yay!! And I think I will leave early tomorrow, I could not take the whole day off as I have meetings, but maybe leaving early is ok on my birthday. Not that I have anything pressing to do, Joel will not be arriving until close to midnight, so I have plenty of time to tidy up. I'd love to go shopping but I've been pretty out of control on that front lately!

We are planning to have a surf n turf feast on Saturday, as sort of a combined birthday dinner for us. I think maybe just half a steak each is plenty, as we will also be having lobster tails, if I can get them. If not, crab or scallops. I am drooling. I LOVE LOVE LOVE shellfish. And it's so un-calorific, it's like the perfect food, why must it be so expensive, why? Nice to have a treat though. I also plan to make some sort of fancy dessert, something decadent but small individual portions so we don't go overboard...maybe chocolate pecan pie tarts. Drool again. I better go eat lunch.

Random thoughts and birthday wishes
Jul 08 2009 09:55

I love Fibre 1 bars. They are like candy bars to me, candy bars I am allowed to eat for breakfast and just 140 calories of deliciousness. I know they are not all that healthy, but they are a reasonable vice.

I wish I were a kid again and could play all day, and running out of water balloons was my biggest concern. Then again, I remember how tragic that sort of thing seemed back then, so maybe I don't miss it.

It's my birthday on Friday, but the group birthday dinner for me, Joel, my mom and dad is taking place on the 19th, since my parents are away until then. I suggested we make the dinner special by having all the b-day people make special requests, we can all request dishes that don't necessarily "go together", just whatever we like. Everyone liked that idea...my mom requested mousaka, my dad requested potato pancakes, Joel requested celery soup that I make, I am not sure yet what I want to request. Sounds like it will be an interesting meal! I am a geek to be looking forward to it so much.

In other lame-o news...Joel asked if I wanted to do anything special for my birthday. I said yes...I would like to have his help washing my floors. They are filthy and I hate doing them alone. Haha that's such a lame b-day activity but it's what I want.

I can't believe it's only WEDNESDAY. This week is taking forever.

Birthday dilemmas
Jul 07 2009 10:42

Well this is not really a dilemma, since I already know what i am going to do, just a bit of a vent I guess.

Joel and I have been trying to scale back our gift-giving and receiving for a wile now. He has 5 kids for pete's sake, any gift budget has to be for them. He can't afford to give his own parents  and sister presents, nevermind mine. As for me, I am trying hard to not overspend, though I end up doing so anyway...so I feel guilty if I don't spend a bunch of money for presents, because if I can buy myself stuff I should buy my loved ones stuff too.

July is a hard month...it's my birthday, Joel's birthday, and both my parents' birthdays. My plan is to get everyone something SMALL. I managed ok for mothers and fathers days, but now I have to come up with more little but meaningful stuff, which is hard. And my family are compulsive gift-givers, so even though Joel has expressed that he wants nothing (as he feels he can't participate in gift-exchanging), they insisnt on getting him something, which makes him feel bad. I am not sure I have done a good enough job emphasizing and re-emphasizing the small part, probably selfishly, because I do love presents.

He and I agreed to exchange small things, that's a done deal, we got eachother pendants we liked, I got him a Rolling Stone Interviews book, he got me a cookbook and some other surprise item he says is very small. Excellent. Only....his friend/roommate K approached me last weekend saying "I wanted to check with you and make sure we are not getting Joel the same thing for his birthday", all excited-like. I said that was unlikely. He said he is getting him a new i-pod with a larger storage than his current one, because his does not have enough.

I got him that i-pod two years ago. It's got smaller storage because that's all I could afford, and even that was overspending. There's nothing wrong with it, it's just a pain for him to have to constantly shuffle music on and off to make room for new stuff. Anyway I kind of laughed and said noooo, we agreed to go very small this year, I am definately not getting him that, no worries.

He offered to split it with me. I can't spend that much, Joel would feel terrible, as we agreed to just get small stuff. I said no thanks, he said yeah you probably want to get something special just from you....he just wasn't getting it...I didn't know how to tell K that it's a mistake, he was all excited about it.  It's much too extravagant, especially from a friend, Joel certainly can't afford to reciprocate on K's birthday but will feel obligated to do so and will either overextend himself or feel horrible that he can't. At xmas, K got him Canucks tickets which are pretty expensive, AND a Canucks shirt. Joel and I had gone in together on a piece of artwork for K. I ended up spending more money on him than on my own sisters. K didn't even remember a week later that it was from me at all (kept referring to it as Joel's gift to him), and Joel felt bad that our present wasn't as expensive as K's so we spent the next month searching for a supplementary gift of a Canucks jersey for K to wear to the game. It was rediculous. I am fairly annoyed with K, for not seeing that getting Joel an expensive gift is doing more harm than good...he knows Joel's situation. And for making me feel bad that it's not coming from me, as that's really more of a girlfriend gift. And for negating my present I got him two years ago, which i really overspent on....basically saying it's crap and needs to be replaced. So yeah there's my rant. I know he's not mean-spirited, he's just being a bit of a dumbass.

I could also rant about work, but that's a bit much ranting, so I will leave it there.

Gray Monday
Jul 06 2009 09:28

Weekend was good, well it had good parts and bad parts. Food-wise it was not good at all, we ate out a couple of times which we don't usually do, and also had a large popcorn at the movies, do you know that a large movie popcorn is 1200 calories? I find that hard to believe. I can't remember the last time I had it though, so can't feel too bad about it. Combined with the meals out (Afgani, which was AWESOME, and a small lunch pizza at a bistro patio which was not very good and had way too much cheese) I think I destroyed any deficit, however I did go to the gym to work out on Saturday morning then we spent about 8 hours walking around that day, so maybe not so bad.

After the gym, I was waiting for Joel on the steps outside and just people watching...there were so many women in shorts or pretty sundresses...I decided I wanted to buy a new sundress. So during our walking around, we stopped in a bunch of shops to look for dresses, had very little luck really. It was not a focussed shopping trip so no big deal...but then we were walking by Pacific Centre mall and Joel needs work shirts so we went to Sears, and I figued I'd check out the dresses while we were there. That's when I got depressed. They had a huge selection, I took in about 10 to try on and not one looked good. Too puffy, too clingy, too tight, too little coverage on the bust, too short, too silly-looking, nothing was working for me. Then I made the abysmal mistake of deciding to try on skirts. Joel encouraged me, but i can't blame him, he doesn't know any better and I should. I have a long history of not getting along with skirts...at my biggest i liked to wear long straight ones but only because I would also wear a long shirt or sweater over them. Trying to find a skirt that looks cute and that I don't have to cover past my hips is...disastrous. I was nearly in tears, everything looked so bad...and the worst part was, I had to go into the plus section, since my lower half is still plus size. Good bye to all the cute trendy choices of the regular section that didn't quite fit, hello to the frumpy stodgy plus section BLEH. I found nothing but disappointment. I did end up buying a brown a-line skirt from the regular section but not to wear now, it's not summery enough and slightly too small but should be perfect by fall. So that's something. But mostly I was disgruntled about the whole situation, and Joel felt bad for me which made it worse. The main problem is, my lower half is not just a couple sizes smaller than my top half, it's also in a completely different category! My top half is too small for plus sizes, my bottom half is too big for regular sizes, so yeah until I get them into the same category shopping for certain things will be a bit frustrating, I see.

On Sunday we took it easy as our feet really hurt from all the walking on Saturday, we went to see The Proposal, it was a cute movie, quite funny, and not as cheesy as alot of the rom coms tend to be. We both liked it. And Sandra Bullock sure has a smokin body in it, yikes. I am obsessed with women's legs lately...I love long, muscular but still shapely legs. I don't think I can ever achieve that, i am just not built that way and will always have chubby thighs...but I can dream.

Work stinks. I am feeling burnt out, not sure why now, just know I don't want to be here or work on the projects I need to. Well this Monday shoud be better than last, where I went to the doctor's for a pap and found out when I was already naked, wearing the gown and sitting on the paper-covered table, that I was 4 months early and have to come back in the fall LOL oops. I blame the pharmacist who told me I was out of birth control pills (I have a one-year precription so being at the end of my pills means it's time for a yearly pap and to renew the precrip).

This week I declare I will get back on track with my food choices. I will achieve an 1800-cal per day average. And I will get to the gym at least once to do weights, elliptical is optional, as I will be biking 5 to work 5 days this week. Today is Joel's b-day, and mine is on Friday, so we'll be having a special b-day dinner on Saturday but I can do that and still stay within my calories, just takes a little planning.

Re-assessing. Again.
Jul 03 2009 09:17

WARNING: Long boring self-assessment that is likely only interesting to me.

For the second week, my daily calories are averaging about 2100. Gah. Is it because of stress, or because I am feeling a bit burned out on calorie dilligence? The seven weeks before, I was managing 1900-ish (pre-exercise adjustment; more like 1650 after adjustment). That might not seem like a big difference, but for me, it's the difference between losing or not. I have some kind of weird weight-loss threshhold; I can lose at 1900 but not at 2100, 2000 is kind of no-man's land where I may or may not lose anything, likely depending on exercise. So all I have to do is keep my average UNDER 2000. Why is that so hard? Hoping for an average of 1700 seems like a pipe dream at this rate. So does lever reaching my goal weight. Or even getting close to 200.

Yesterday I was doing well, was right on target after dinner, but then had an extra brownie and a piece of carrot snackin cake I made (it's delicious, btw, and no oil!). And it wasn't mindless eating, I reeeeally wanted it, felt a hunger that was real, but whether it was physical or psychological I am not sure. Maybe a combo. Seems I am having that struggle a lot these days. My skin is totally broken out so I know all is not well and balanced in Sherylynland. I feel work stress, I feel sadness over the whole apart-from-Joel situation, I feel less strong than I want to be, less able to stay away from the little extras that push my calories up. I am not sure how to fix it...I am not the type to make loftly plans or promises to myself I know I won't keep, so I just have to plan to do the best I can. I'd like to get to the gym more, I'd like to actually achieve an 1800 calorie average, that's reasonable. It's actually kind of funny, I feel like I am trying so hard but when I review my spreadsheet I can see my average, even when I was rockin it, was still around 1900. Ha. So ONCE AGAIN, I find myself in a place where I have to decide. Do I continue as I am with the understanding that I am just maintaining, and forget feeling like I am trying so hard and not getting anywhere....or do I actually make an effort to step it up and REALLY get to that elusive 1700 (or even 1800) average? It pretty much sucks to lose like a pound a month after feeling like I gave it a good effort. It's depressing. So I either need an attitude adjustment or an actual effort adjustment.

Thinking about leveling out and just maintaining for a while makes me cringe. I hear an internal NOOOOO.....I can't NOT try. Even if I am failing, even if I am getting no further than if I weren't trying, I still feel the need to stay in the battle, continue to fight.  I think that part of my battle has been fighting the need for instant gratification. I've really come a long way with realizing that treat will still be there tomorrow, and I don't have to eat every yummy thing that pops into my head today, right now, I can plan to have it some other day. It will still be there, so will I.  I definately feel less urgency. But, maybe I have just replaced the food urgency with the trying urgency. Honestly, thinking about not trying to lose weight throws me into a bit of a panic. Waiting, maintaining, for say 6 months or even 3 months is unimaginable. Unacceptable. What does that mean? Does it mean I should make an attempt to break free from that sense of urgency, practice delaying gratification in this way too? Or does it mean I have found a healthy food replacement and should encourage myself to use that? What will benefit me more in the long run?? I don't know, but I do know that giving up the fight, even temporarliy, does not feel like an option.

So I find myself in the same position I was a couple of months ago. Not willing to give up trying. Oh well, good to do a check in now and again lol.

How I spent Canada Day
Jul 02 2009 09:39

Here is my essay on How I Spent My Canada Day.

Joel is on a road trip to do a gig for Canada Day, so I was aaalll alone, by myself, at home. It's very sad.

The night before I stayed up late and watched GI Jane. I felt inspired to be TOUGH. So in the morning, I got up and had a good breakfast, did some chores, and donned my new lululemon workout pants, a tank top and my gym shoes and hopped on my bike to go to the gym. I worked out hard, sweated, played my hardcore workout tunes and scowled my way to a 700 calorie burn on the elliptical, plus doing some weights and ab excercises. Woo hoo!! Okay partly scowling and partly grinning, anyone watching me would have thought I was bipolar or something...I could not help grinning some of the time because I felt so liberated in my new workout pants. No long tshirt over saggy leggings...it's the first time I have been outside the house with no long shirt over my belly-area, just a thin layer of lycra between me and the world! I would not walk around the street like that, but at the gym it's appropriate, and you know what? No one raised an eybrow or looked at me funny. No looks of disgust, no one telegraphing thoughts of yikes that girl should NOT be wearing that. And trust me, I was looking for it. I actually thought there would be much fewer people there, being a holiday and all, but it was pretty busy for a holiday...and not one person gave me anything but a passing glance or the usual gym-blank-stare in the mirror. I must have looked normal. In my lululemon pants. Wow. How cool is that!! They are so much more comfy and cool than being swathed in a loose cotton t over a tank top and leggings, I feel like I've shed a layer (I have!) and want to know a secret, I also felt kind of sleek and sexy, despite my non-flat stomach and bulgy butt. I am not hideous, just...normal. Ecstasy.

Afterwards, I biked over to the grocery store and filled my backpack and basket with veggies galore. I biked home, weighed down with like 30 lbs of veggies which was not much fun after that workout! But I had plans...I made 4 batches of soups for lunches. I made red lentil-quinoa (jut realized i forgot the cumin, darn it, but it's still good), vegetable-dill with dumplings, split pea with ham, and chicken vegetable, the latter is not yet complete as I had to let the stock refrigerate overnight to separate the fat. Might end up as chicken noodle. I was a soup-making maniac! I love to have a cup of soup with my lunch, and have been buying sub-par soup at $5 a pop from Soupworks lately so figured I better get it together and make some. Only trouble is, I only had big yogurt containers to store it in, so i will have to defrost 3C at a time. I'd rather have single servings but oh well.

I had also planned to do laundry but that just didn't happen. I am wearing the last pair of undies in the drawer, pooooor last-picked undies. So I HAVE to do laundry tonight! I hate laundry. And by the looks of my are rug, I also hate vaccuuming. Yikes.

Work has not eased up, I am just feeling less crunched because I am tired of feeling crunched, if that makes any sense. We create our own reality. So I am now choosing to not feel all squinchy about the work situation. Well trying anyway. Things continue to pile up. THe office bully is on a rampage and our buffer, my boss, is not here to shield us. Some stuff definately won't get done by deadline, but hey, i made those deadlines myself so tough luck. La la la.

Is it lunchtime yet? I want some soup!

PS I only lost one stinkin pound in all of June. At this rate i won't reach goal until 2020. Sigh.

Work is hard
Jun 30 2009 10:33

I want to run away from it all right now. I am drowning in work, everything needs attending to immediately, things are getting behind, I feel overwhelmed and my boss is not here to ease my burden. My new coworker is doing some political maneuvering and I am being pushed to the sideline in a project I am supposed to be lead on, apparently she send a draft to the director without even cc-ing me and the director gave her feedback on "her" work, I only found out because the project manager cc'd me in her response. WTF? A part of me wants to relinquish all control, let the new girl fuck it up, a part of me want to struggle to retain control of this project weven though I ahve so little time anyway, but the biggest part want to run and hide. And I am being pressured to work on other stuff too, stuff i ahve no time for but is really quite important to get done, ack.  I'd just about kill for a ranch to go live on right now. I guess cc is my mini ranch.

I am so heartsick too. I hate this stupid commuting, I hate leaving Joel every week, I hate having to come here to spend my weekdays all alone. I hate work, I miss my boss and need her here, everything feels like it's sliding sideways. I feel like crying. There is a bbq here at work today, I want to leave the building and go hide so I don't have to socialize but I feel like I should stay and try to have a chat wit hthe director and casually mention that I am the freakin LEAD on that project. I sent out an email to all thanking her for her helpful feedback and detailing how we would incorporate it...but I have a feeling this is not the end of this. Not at all.

 Weekend was great. I engaged in some shopping therapy, which gives me shopping euphoria, but also makes me feel a bit sick, I can't afford to shop like that. It's just so thrilling to be able to walk in anywhere and try on stuff. I still feel a bit scared, like the salesgirls are probably thinking I am in the wrong store. I went to lululemon to buy my first pair of workout pants there. I have been waiting for a very long time to do that....it was funny cuz when I walked in I tried to look all casual and scope out the sizing surruptitiously...I was horrified when I saw the sizes only go up to a 12. I almost walked out, but a very nice salsgirl came to ask me what I was looking for and I asked about the sizing and she explained that a 12 is not a real 12, it's actually an XL, they just assign a number but it doesn't correspond to regular sizes. And that they did have some styles in a 14 which would be an XXL but that she didn't thik I needed it, a 12 would likely fit. I could have kissed her. And she was right, the 12s did fit. I am the proud new owner of a pair of lululemon workout pants!

On the weekend, well all week really, I also overate. I didn't feel like I was comfort eating but I don't think that it's a coincidence that I am overeating during such a stressful time. Thankfully the scale is holding steady so far. This week I will try hard to get back to my 1700 cal per day target.

Alright back to the grind. Sorry I have not had much time for commenting on journals...I am reading them here and there, feeling connected to you folks help me stay sane.

Swamped
Jun 23 2009 14:19

Work has been nutty. My boss went away on medical leave at the worst time possible, we are all desperately in need of direction and leadership right now and are not getting it at all from her replacement, who is just one of my coworkers, so I really wouldn't expect him to be able to, but then again he should have to earn that extra salary shouldn't he? SOrry for run-on sentence I am in a rush :S. No time to read everyone's journals nevermind comment, no time to write an entry about my weekend, just time to bitch about how busy i am lol

And about how I got hit by a car while I was biking to work this morning. No injuries and my bike is ok, but the bitch just shrugged and mouthed "sorry" and kept going while I was having a freakin heart attack. The vehicle behind her stopped and asked if I was ok and said I should get her plate # and report her to police, he was apalled, but not so apalled that he pulled over so I don't have his name as a witness. I did get her plate number though so I guess I should go to the police station after work to report it, I tried to call but they said I have to come in person. Bleh. I don't have much confidence that they will do anything about it. The important thing is, I am ok, but I HATE how dangerous it is for cyclists like me....I see dumbass cyclists do stupid moves all the time, and here I am trying to be as cautious and road-smart and courteous to other vehicles as possible, and I get hit anyway cuz this stupid woman is in too much of a rush to shoulder-check before swerving around a car in front of her that's stopped to turn left. It's just lucky I was beside a driveway rather than a curb, so when she nudged me over and was able to kinda swerve onto the driveway instead of slamming into a high curb. I hope it's because the Biking Gods are looking out for me.

And speaking of cars hitting me, I was driving Joel's car on the weekend and some dude backed into me while I was parked. I had just parked, and I guess he didn't bother checking to see if someone was behind him since I wasn't there when he'd gotten into his car. Just backed right up, full tilt, and I had nowhere to go even though I saw him coming! Yikes. He said over and over, so sorry it was totally my fault, I just hope he is still singing the same tune to the insurance company. He seemed like a good guy but you never know! I feel bad that this is the second time someone has hit me in Joel's car, this first time I was rear-ended (a few months ago), I mean WTF?? DO I have a "hit me" sign on my back? I drive (and bike) very defensively, there have been plenty of times I almost got hit but didn't because I managed to avoid it...I just don't know what more I can do. Not park? Not drive or bike at all? Just my luck the bus I take will tip over or some stupid thing. And because I am frustated and angry and freaked out, I had a big fit in our staff meeting because I am also frustrated over work load and in no mood to be philosophical about it. Ack.

Me, me, and more me: H&M and my thighs.
Jun 18 2009 09:34

Just to be clear - the H&M size 12 tops (I bought 3) only fit because they are either very stretchy fabric and/or a baby-doll style that is much more flexible, size-wise....I tried on a more structured top and the 14 came nowhere close to fitting. Mainly because of my huge hips. If I could somehow gather the courage to wear a top that only goes to the waist instead of over the hips, a 14 would likely fit. But I am still excited to wear a size 12 anything LOL! It will be a long, long time before my hips are size 12. Maybe never. Seems like The Impossible Dream....but then again so did being anywhere under 250 lbs!! So there's hope, I suppose.

Today I am wearing a dress. I bought it in Las Vegas but haven't worn it yet....I am really more of a capri-pant kinda gal in summer. But Joel noticed it in my closet last weekend and asked if I was ever going to wear it, so to prove his suspicion that I won't wrong, I decided to don it today, along with my new sandals and some red lip stain. I feel pretty. A man on the bus offered me his seat haha....he was an older gentleman and likely would have done it regardless, but it made me feel pretty LOL, I am so easy to please. Anyway....that's not the journal-worthy part....what IS, is that I am wearing this dress sans bike shorts. I have not left the house bare-legged in years, probably since Iwas 17 or so. That's 20 years. OMG. I slicked some deoderant on my thighs and decided to give it a go. I feel so naked!! It's likely a bit premature - I am very conscious of my thighs rubbing - but as long as I don't do too much walking around, I might just be ok. The bike shorts are in my purse just in case! Wish me luck!

I am heading to Vancouver today after work, in less than 6 hours actually. Yay! I will probably wear this same dress to both Joel's daughter's dance recital on Friday AND Father's Day brunch on Sunday, so why then is my suitcase still super-full?? Ack I am such a girl.

Black Bean Brownie recipe!
Jun 17 2009 10:37

Due to popular demand, here is Sara's recipe for Black Bean Brownies and my amendments. It's really amazing, the beans just make the brownies very very moist, there is no taste or texture or trace of beaniness whatsoever.

Black Bean Brownies

1 can cooked black beans, rinsed and drained (I cooked up my own beans, using 125 ml (1/2 cup) dry and they puffed up to just under 400ml)

1 can water (I used 400 ml to match the beans)

1 package brownie mix (I just picked the one with the lowest calories, I think it was a Duncan Hines one, listed at 110 cals per 1/16 pkg)

Put the beans and water in a blender and blend until completely liquefied. Pour into a bowl and add the brownie mix, mix well with a spoon. I also added 1/4C cocoa.

Pour into a greased 9x12 cake pan (I used cooking spray). Bake according to direction on brownie box. Mine said 350F for 25-30 minutes for a 9x9 pan, I took them out at 24 minutes and they were perfect.

Could not be easier eh!