victoriagirl's Journal

A new day

Nov 09 2009 10:20

Monday, ugh. Yucko. In a way I am glad though, it's a new week, a new start to getting back on track. The weekend was pretty brutal, food-wise, but I am not going to talk about that. Even I am bored with hearing the same thing over and over from me, so why torture the rest of you lol. This backslide has been very concerning but it's over now. Today is the real start of truly getting back on the heathy-eating track. I am very good at making delicious, healthy, low-cal food and I have never felt deprived when I am focused on eating right, so I don't know what this recent interest has been in chips and dip and other gross former-life crap....I guess comfort eating, plain and simple. Well from now on I take comfort in celery lol. I kid but I really do need to find different ways of comforting myself when I am low.

New connections:

Instead of saying "I am sad. I want chocolate and cake and foodfoodfood"

I will say "I am feeling sad right now, but it will pass. In the meatime I will go to the gym and get some endorphins going!"

Instead of "It's cold and rainy and miserable out, I want to curl up under the covers and veg out"

I will say " This weather is very challenging and gives me an opportunity to feel totally badass for biking in it anyway!"

or "Isn't it great that there are so many indoor activities I can do like going to the gym or painting or cooking up a batch of soup."

Instead of trying to ignore my feelings of anxiety and push them down,

I will explore how I feel, accept it as normal, and rather than worry about falling into a pit of depair if I look to closely I will DO something to work off the anxiety, see choices above.

No win.

Nov 05 2009 15:20

Well I made it through my panel interview and didn't die, so I guess that's a bit of a win. But I definately will not be offered a job, I know that. I kinda bombed a little. The role-play was the worst, sucked eggs my friends. And the compentency-based questions were only ok, it was the two competencies out of the 8 listed for a Probation Officer position that I was weakest on so of COURSE that's the two that the questions were based on. Of course. But I still think I may have squeaked by on those....it's the role play that will make me sink like a stone. Boo role play.

I looked darn good doing it though. Black mid-calf skirt, black blazer layered with a white with black pinstripes button-down shirt and a hot pink v-neck sweater. Unfortunately I get really pink in the face when I am under pressure so I am sure my face was the same colour as my sweater...at least I matched lol.

I am SO GLAD IT'S OVER. It's good to have practice for next time.

What?

Nov 04 2009 09:06

Scale was kind today. Despite ttotm, and there MUST be some sodium retention due to sheer volume of food taken in on Sun/Mon....I think my sodium was like 5000 on Mon....despite all that, the scale gave up two lbs and I am now back to 233. Weird. And it's not like yesterday was a super low-cal day either, I was just at maintenance, trying to ease back into a deficit. So...what the heck? I have this awesome theory that I have been overeating so much these last few weeks that I have managed to re-set my metabolism and now, just hitting 2100 will give me a deficit instead of having to get down to 1800. Wouldn't that be nice!? Wishful thinking, but could be some truth to it, we'll see! I am going to make 2000 my target this week instead of 1800.

I give blood today though, and that throws everything off. Last time I was SO hungry the next couple days. I have my panel tomorrow (YIKES!!!) so hopefully that blood won't deplete my brain power! The good part is...they make you eat these blah cookies and over-sweet drink, so I went and bought myself this delicious apple-pecan bar from the Old Time Deli that I never get because there must be a jillion calories in it, well probably closer to 400ish but I figure I will have this instead of their cookies and juice. If I have to eat sugar, may as well have a real treat! So I am very excited. It is the yummiest non-chocolate dessert in the city and I get to eat it guilt-free, yay!

I do not feel at all well-prepared for my interview. Gotta get to studying here. And no clue what to wear. I have a black blazer that will work, maybe with my black work pants or a skirt, but my pants are a teeny bit too short and make me self-conscious (for work they are ok cuz I am hidden behind my desk most of the time but for an interview, I dunno), my skirts are too casual, too faded, or too fancy. And I have nothing appropriate to wear under the jacket, well I do have a white button-down blouse with black stripes, the one I bought for our gay pride parade drag dress-up...but maybe wearing all black and white is too severe. Might have to make a trip to the mall after work....talk about last-minutey.

I added some Halloween pics to my gallery....my favorite one wouldn't load, but the ones there are still pretty cute!

The fallout, the zombie dance and other personal achievements, and a new start

Nov 03 2009 10:47

Well the Nov 1 weigh-in was not so horrifying, only because I was already mentally prepared and armed with all your encouragement and advice. Up two and a half lbs from last month.

On Friday I chose not to go out drinking with friends, good thing since I heard after that they got stinkin drunk and I am sure I'd have been right in there. But, Joel and I did go out for Jamaican food, YUM, and that wasn't exactly low-cal. But I was still on a personal-achievement high: on Friday I gave a presentation to a group of people that I had no idea I was going to have to present to until right before...it wasn't great but I didn't die lol....my boss said I did very well but I think she was just trying to help boost my confidence for this week's panel! Still, it was a real accomplishment for me, so I am proud.

On Saturday night, J and I went to a Halloween event with his roommate K and K's gf S. It was a fun night, though started out a bit rocky....getting dressed and make-upped took longer than expected and K & S showed up earlier than expected so getting ready to leave was a real rush, I HATE feeling rushed and flustered. So when we got to the pub (a friend's band was playing there) I was already a bit out of sorts plus going somewhere totally new makes me uneasy so it took a while to shake it all off. Joel had promised our friend in the band that we would dance it up all night, so I felt really pressured to get in a dancing mood. J was even encouraging me to drink lots to hurry up and get in the mood, which is really unusual, he's not much of a drinker himself. So I tried very hard to get there, mentally, not wanting to bring everyone else down. I ended up drinking 7 vodka pepsis, which seems like it should have been enough to slam me but they must have been pretty weak, I barely felt it. We all did end up having a good time though....I pushed myself to get in the party spirit, and J and I ended up entering the dance-off contest and making the final 5 with our zombie dance lol....we had to do our dance alone on the dancefloor and the winner was chosen by audience applause. Never in my entire life would I have imagined myself voluntarily getting up in front of an entire roomful of people to dance for approval! We didn't win, some guy who could actually dance won, to be expected I guess but our costumes were a huge hit....we were a zombie bride and groom and we did such a great job on our make-up, J made me a truly grusome wound on my shoulder under my tutelage, I was so proud he did such a great job. People were fascinated and impressed and grossed out all at the same time lol. It was great!

Sunday and Monday were food disasters. Out of control. Combine pms with post-drinking munchies with back-home-alone sadness and POW. But, that's behind me now, and a new month begins, getting back on track and filled with hope for the future! Hopefully I will see December 1 in with a loss that obliterates this gain and more. I am the lizard queen, I can do anything.

Including ace my panel on Thursday. I have a lot of studying to do before then. And I am supposed to give blood tomorrow, still unsure if I should back out of that...maybe I need the extra blood for my brain.

Preparing for the inevitable

Oct 29 2009 10:35

I just wrote in a comment on a friend's journal that this month will be the first month since I changed my lifestyle nearly two years ago that I have to report a gain instead of a loss. FUCK. Sory for the strong language, but hey I think that merits an expletive. So I best start mentally preparing for this. There are only two days left in the month, not much hope of making a recovery.

It's been a whole month of bad choices, so I am not frustrated that there was no loss or even the gain...it's for good reason. The past few weeks have been eating well on the weekdays I am home, for the most part but with a few spectacular exceptions, and then destroying any deficit I may have created by completely overeating on the weekends. Dinners out, road-trip junk, holiday pigginess, comfort-eating, it's been a really disastrous month. I keep struggling to get a handle back on things and failing. Like, this week Mon-Tue-Wed I have managed a nice balance of healthy food and minimal treats, have a 1900 average which is not perfect but pretty close, biked to work twice despite the torrential rain, and generally feel good about my choices. But this weekend, I will be going out for dinner and drinks on Friday, going to a Halloween event on Saturday which will definately involve drinks, and then Sunday dinner at my parents' place which always involves a lot of food. SIGH.

Maybe I should make a plan to abstain from drinking this weekend. I don't hardly ever drink so it's not a big deal, but the fact is, it will DESTROY any hope of a deficit and I will have to go into a beginning of the month weigh-in with alcohol bloat and the knowledge that I am failing myself over and over again. If I make a genuine attempt to stick to a healthy diet this weekend, I will still be facing a gain, but at least I will feel like I am on the right track instead of careening out of control.

I have control issues. I admit it. I spent the vast majority of my life feeling completely helpless and like I had no control over my life or body or anything at all. Now that I finally discovered that I do, in fact, have control over many things and especially over my body and my choices, I am desperate to hang on to that. I freak out when I feel that control slipping, because I am terrified of going back to that horrible state of helplessness. FOr the past two years, I have felt stronger and more in control that I ever have in my life, and it's really great to feel like I can tackle anything. But this month, the last six weeks or so actually, I have been struggling for some reason. I have GOALS and PLANS and I am just not managing to follow through.

I've been having bad dreams, terrible dreams, mostly about my family and they treat me badly and make me feel very sad and upset. I know it's not really about my family but rather about myself...like, when I dreamt that my dad told me in a very derogatory way, "well you should spend more money on groceries", I know that makes no sense but what it meant to me was that he felt I was failing at losing weight because I was not eating right, and he wasn't really my dad but rather the logical side of myself that was saying, hey look at your budget this month, you spent WAY too much money on eating out and hardly anything on groceries, that should tell you something. It's like my brain is DEMANDING that I listen to myself and get it together. Joel helped me peice that one together, because I actually woke up crying from it and so we discussed what it really meant. Anyhoo.

The main gist of this big long diatribe is that there WILL be a gain this month and I need to figure out a way to deal with that. I need to find a way to climb back up on that horse. I need to feel good about my choices again. I have SO far to go, I can't start failing now. Sometimes life is so hard.

Zombies need love too

Oct 27 2009 12:42

This week promises to fly by. I have a project I need to have ready to present by Friday, so really need to have a semi-final draft to give to my boss today and work on final edits and some other prep for Friday tomorrow and Thursday...yikes too fast! But SO much better than the week dragging by, I am happy as a clam under pressure, just not too much pressure!

I went to my painting class last night and painted furiously for the whole two hours and didn't even realize it was time to go. By the time I cleaned up and had a longish chat with the instructor afterwards, I missed my bus. Plus I was carrying a whole bunch of canvasses, so I decided, if I see a cab I will flag it, and I did so I did :). Felt very decadent.

Biked in this morning, it was COLD but not windy or rainy so I am perfectly cool with that! I actually like it when it's kinda frosty. Just have to be more careful on the turns as they might be a bit slippery...last year I wiped out once and it didn't kill me so I am not too scared, just careful.

My Halloween costume is going to be zombie bride (Joel is my zombie groom). I didn't find a wedding dress, but the Elegant Angel costume I got is pretty bride-like, I just need to get a veil and make some adjustments to the costume. One of the arms is too small (damn my fat arm!) and the back closes with two little velcro tabs that I totally don't trust to stay closed, not sure what to do about that but hopefully something will occur to me at the fabric store tonight. A zipper is to much work, as is button-holing, so I dunno.

Anyway...today is much better than yesterday. Someday, when Joel and I live together, Mondays will be much less hard.

Can't wait for the weekend and all it's zombie fun!!

I wanna shoo-ooo-ooot the whole day down

Oct 26 2009 11:05

Wow do I hate Mondays.

Had a great weekend but ate too much. Gee that's sounds familiar.

I bought my costume for Halloween. I've never bought a costume in my life, my mom sewed them for us when we were little and I sewed my own when I was older. It's pretty cool to FIT into an off-the-rack costume (with some minor adjustments), and I am just too lazy to sew it myself this year. Seems like way to much work...I have to focus on excercise and eating right this week. I am really doing some backsliding lately and it's upsetting. Also I have to focus on preparing for my panel next week. Yikes my heat starts racing just mentioning it.

I didn't bike to work today, took the bus. It was a really bad day for it too, the earlier bus didn't come so the later bus was packed full to the gills and I had a very uncomfortable trip in. Serves me right, should have biked.

I have my last painting class tonight. I don't even want to go, I just want to crawl under the covers and hibernate...and i love painting class! I just feel low and sulky and surly and sad.

We saw It Might Get Loud yesterday, a music documentary featuring The Edge from U2, Jimmy Page from Led Zeppelin, and Jack White of the White Stripes/ Raconteurs/ Dead Weather...I soooo adore Jack White and really like the others too so it was a great movie. So inspirational to see people so passionate about what they do.

The weather sucks...but I somehow have to work up the strength to go out there in the cold and wind and rain on my lunch hour to walk to the art store and buy canvasses, last shot at student discount plus I need a new one for tonight's class. SIGH. Stupid Monday.

I am reading all your journal entries but not commenting, my dear CC friends whom I cherish too much to post any Debbie Downer comments today. So shake off the bad juju of this journal entry and have a great Monday :D.

Duck a la garbage

Oct 21 2009 12:56

Dilligently trying to get my essay done for the PO application. My boss is helping me, we are passing it back and forth with edits. Maybe I am retarded to leave a department with such an amazing boss.

I forgot to tell you guys about the Friday duck. It hit the bin. I took it out of the fridge, congealed fat-pustules and all, and impaled it on a roasting rack (well actually a steamer basket but close enough), spiced it up and begain roasting. The smell was foul. Not fowl, FOUL. There was something desperately wrong with that duck. So I pulled it out after about an hour, I just couldn't take it anymore, and didn't bother with the glazing stage - just sent it right to the bin. The glazing may have covered up the smell, but geez who wants to eat something that needs to have it's smell covered up?? Ick. Made an emergency bison meatloaf instead. Joel asked where the roasted duck was, he'd been looking forawrd to a fancy dinner lol...we enjoyed the meatloaf though, that at least turned out great.

I am going shopping this Saturday with my sisters and my mom, to Tulalip in WA which means road trip....clearly I am a glutton for punishment. But, Joel is working anyway, and my mom was really happy I could join their "girls' day out". I have to work very hard on a. not spending too much money and b. not eating too much bad food.

I managed 1850 cals yesterday. Small victory. I intend to do te same today, despite the Starbucks trip with a co-worker (the one I dreamed about and had the weird incident with at the grocery store, but I forgot all about it until now). I only drank half my skinny latte and ate half my low-fat fruit swirl, which is a crock by the way, despite being "low-fat" it is far from low in cals. I had to skip my banana to partially compensate. I think I can still manage 1850 or less. One day at a time.

Wish all weekends could be that great!

Oct 20 2009 12:53

I had a wonderful weekend, everything turned out great!

The play was really fun, we had to follow the actors around the castle, up and down staircases and even outside...it was a foggy night, just perfect for Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde! Awesome.

Then onto the party at my bookclub lady's place, we went straight from the play figuring we'd be late but were actually the first ones there, haha!But it wasn't uncomfortable at all, in fact it was nice to have a chance to sit and chat with our hosts before everyone else started coming. It's a lovely group of people, my friend C and her husband came as well and everone was so very nice and interesting. I drank a lot but didn't get too drunk or anything, everyone was drinking a lot but not to sloppiness, just having a good time, like it should be! There were conversations about music and literature and travel and cheese....ADULT conversations but not at all stuffy, just very casual and fun. Imagine!! Not at all like my previous experiences of house parties which were a very long time ago in my twenties, granted.And everyone was so nice...no reason to be anxious at all!

Sunday Joel and I slept in late, had a leisurely breakfast, and then took a bus downtown. He got a much-needed haircut, I bought a much-needed pair of knee-high boots (yay!! Found some that actually fit my big calves!) and then we walked around, saw a cool Moroccan restaurant we want to try someday, bought a pile of groceries and took a cab home with them. It was a really nice laid-back day.

Yesterday I had my painting class, finished up both of my two first paintings. I am quite happy with them. One is abstract in warm tones of browns and golds wit hsome texture, the other is the starry-night-esque one. Next I have a couple ideas for new paintings....one an abstract in blues and greys, like a sky preparing for a storm, and then a row of black crows on a wire across it. So not totally abstract. The other, a skeleton sitting on a vanity chair with crossed legs and jewellery, on a black and red background, very dark yet kitchy-voodoo-y. I started the skeleton one last night after I got home from class, as I was all excited about the idea....and am using a canvas I had lying around. It was a painting my ex did of me, but I always hated it because it was not originally me, it was another fat girl and he just put my face on it. It pissed me off for the obvious reason, and because it reminded me of how he used to claim all fat girls look basically the same, and because it made me look bigger than I ever was even at 340 lbs. So I gleefully painted it over in black and will be ironically painting a skeleton on it. Ha.

Today I got an email that I've been short listed for a PO position. I have to answer a skill-testing question in essay format, deadline in two days, Yikes!! We'll see how it goes.

I've been ahving more anxiety dreams, pretty sure they relate to me not being at all on target, calorie-wise. I don't know what's wrong but I can't seem to get back on track....maintenance would be fine but I am way over that. Ever since Thanksgiving weekend. I am having a lot of trouble with my feelings about it.... I was supposed to have conquered food guilt and stuff. Ack. Joel says i put tooo much pressure on myself to be perfect...I don't think that's the case. I KNOW I can't be perfect, but in the freakin ballpark would be nice. Today I try to stick to 1700. Tomorrow, we'll see. One day at a time.

Downwards, onwards, and duckwards

Oct 16 2009 09:22

Well I was two pounds down this morning, 236.5. I am glad it's going back down but I have to admit I was kind of hoping it would ALL be gone this morning lol...yeah not very realistic.

Yesterday after work I had a strange encounter with a co-worker. I ran into her at the grocery store and was all happy to see her and started rattling on about how I bought too many groceries to carry on my bike, and her response was "have a good weekend" and walked away. It was weird. No "gee that's rough" or "good luck with that! But I gotta get going", nothing like that, just....have a good weekend. So then I had a dream last night that she was hiding from me and my former boss had moved back to town and not told me and when I ran into her she was all "oh. hello. " and sort of led me over to where my co-worker was hiding, just to make sure I knew M. was hiding from me, and I felt like no-one liked me, it was terrible. Likely just a mix of confusion over the encounter with M. at the grocery store and anxiety about the party I am going to tomorrow. It's at one of my bookclub chick's house. I will know a few people from book club but that's it, Joel will know NO ONE so what a sweetie for agreeing to come, and I know that's normal for a party, but I get terrible social anxiety over stuff like this. I feel like I should have grown out of it by now, and it IS much better than when I was younger (I used to drink A LOT to cover it up) but the fact is I am not often in social situations and tend to avoid them, I can't even remember the last time I was at a party. I am trying to cultivate some acquaintances here so was really glad to be invited...I just kinda wish it was over already lol. Sigh. I really wish I was less of a wuss.

I made a duck last night. Well I half-made a duck...I've never cooked a whole duck before so I did some internet research and decided to go with the boil, dry, roast method (like Peking duck). So last night I boiled it and now it is sitting uncovered in the fridge waiting to be roasted. It looks very unappetizing...white and pasty and the skin has these little pustules of fat erupting from it like sweat. Grooossss. I only bought it because it was $5 which seemed crazy cheap...but not so sure this is going to get eaten!! Might be only suitable for the trash...oh well you win some you lose some. I'll roast it up and see what happens, but I am thinking I will be sticking to magret de canard (duck breasts) for all my duck needs in the future.

I am going blood again on Nov. 4, yay! Some things I learned from last time:

A. Make sure you eat right before going or they will make you drink gross sugary "juice" before donating.

B. Bring some good juice and cookies for after, if I am going to calorie-load on juice and cookies I don't want it to be yucky stuff.

C. Be prepared to be super-hungry for the next few days. I'd been hoping for an extra weight loss due to a big calorie deficit from my body working to make more blood, but I ended up eating it all back and more :S...maybe with better planning I can keep some of that deficit.

D. Do not stand up too quickly for the next few days. This one is very important.