weightconsious's Journal

Argh! So confusing!!!
Feb 21 2009 11:37

argh!!I'm confuse!!see, the problem is..

I weigh 50kg at my friends place,with no shoes and wallets intact after a moderate level martial arts training with not much sweat loss. A 53.5 kg with my school shoes and wallet on and 900ml of Pepsi lingering in my system. A 52 kg with my school shoes and wallet.. So, if i want to put in a number? Which should i put?

binge..
Feb 13 2009 13:25

crap!!crap!!crap!!why did i act so bluntly..now, i've 4 more kg to lose..hate those 4 kg gain..dang!!!darn!!!!

binge again..sad..weight gain..feel so useless..
Jan 04 2009 18:31

darn it!!! 2kg weight GAIN!!!cry..3kg away from my 50kg goal and binge in again today..sad..i think i want to try eating normally and stop counting calories so crazily for a while. Maybe I wont binge and gain..

binge and purge
Jan 02 2009 13:33

actually, the story goes like this..

i been binging in for 3 times a week, sometimes twice a day such as today, unfortunately. My new year resolution is to reach 50kg by Chinese New Year which is around 20 more days. Weird enough, i thought I would gain weight during the holidays but surprisingly, the weight drop, thanks god. And it drop so suddenly, from 55 to 52 in 1-2 weeks and 51 the last time i measure even though I binge in so often. White bread and lots of pb and crackers.

well, the problem is, i don't often eat red meat, and recently, i notice that my carbs intake is way way higher than protein and my period stops, AGAIN!! My mum wants me to eat red meat more often but I just couldn't. I mean, I get guilty eating meat than binging in carbs.. what should i do? and oh ya, my bulimia problem seems to get worse for now, I seems to have a small cut in my throat..sigh..I binge in twice today, twice I wanted to purge but - not sure lucky or unlucky- twice I drank tons of water after I ate to flush it out before it digest completely which resulted in the problem 'unable to purge'. Its hard..

my new year resolution

1 > lost few more pounds, till 110 preferably.

2 > stop binging and purging.

3 > try to eat normally.

bulimic?
Dec 24 2008 12:00

so,yesterday i binge in again. I tried not too but the temptation is too hard. And I had a Party at night!!so,you can only imagine how much i ate. And,.. I think I'm really bulimic d. See, after i binge in, i felt so terrible and useless, I go and purge. And things seem to have turn bad. What happened? : There's a drop of red stuff in the pool of disgusting vomit. Why I worry? : I didn't eat any red color stuff. Conclusion? : I think its blood. I know I have to stop.So, i battle against two choice. To tell my mum, or buy a appetite suppress? pill so that i won't binge which leads to no more bulimia. In the end I told my mum. At first, I spoke casually. "I watch a show just now about eating disorder. What would you do if I was one of those who has eating disorder?" "What's eating disorder?" "You know, like 'yen xi zen'(anorexia)." "Save you of course!" "o.." The reason why I said 'o' was because I thought she would say, "Someone like you will never kena de la. You eat so much." So I told her I might need treatment then. She asked why and I replied, "I eat and vomit." To my horror, she answered, "That's because you eat so much that you vomit." She doesn't know anything about eating disorder so I just sigh. My mum thought the reason I vomit is because I ate too much. I let her think like that since she doesn't know. I can't tell her I make myself vomit. She just have to find out by herself. sigh.. Its really hard to control.

QUEstions~~Questions!~~
Dec 06 2008 10:54

if you binge in, by LOTS till your stomach almost burst and pained like hell, then you wallop down 1.5 liter of water(plain).. will the water wash most of the stuff down?and cut off half or a quarter of the calories? this is the kind of questions that bothers me..

3 weeks after holidays, or is it 4?
Dec 06 2008 10:32

after lets see..3 weeks? nah..ya.. its 3 weeks of holidays, full with binge and purge and homely grandma food-you see the point- i actually lose weight.. From 55 to 53/52.5. I mean, I could hardly believe it. In one week I finished off one large glass bottle of peanut butter, ya know, those HOMEMADE kind which taste 10x smackin delicious than regular and I just couldn't help to eat and eat and lick and lick. I was afraid to gained back the weight like i did before and before my birthday which was just 2 days past christmas -hallelujah- and even though we're not christian, we still EATS a lot during that festival. Christmas, 2 days later, MY BIRTHDAY which never fail to have CAKES and 4 days then, NEW YEAR EVE!!!!Talk about non stop partyin. Let's just hope that I'd be good and control my intake.. Like this morning, at 3 am- couldn't sleep for some reason- I had a whole loaf of bread, 14 slices exactly, which including cheese and bla bla bla, equals to 6 cheese sandwiches and 1 peanut butter sandwich and 1 fun size snickers bar.

Anyway, gambateh a.k.a goodluck to me!!

BINGE AGAIN!!!!argh!!!!
Nov 26 2008 15:44

argh!!!binge in again.. well, i guess i kinda allowed it.. since I'm going to move to another neighbourhood and will not be able to eat the food that was sold here so often anymore.

breakfast : 4 pack of Meiji Plain Crackers, 10 pieces of white bread (courtesy of my mum who bought TWO loaves of white bread. I threw the rest of it into the bin),2 cups of 2 in 1 coffee

lunch : A large pack*one polysterene full* of stir fry pumpkin with pumpkin seeds and god knows how many tbsp of sesame oil, 2 slices large, pineapple

snack : 1 large mung bean cake/cookie with loads of mung bean paste in it, 1 cup of 3 in 1 cereal drink with oats( high in sugar kind), 2 tbsp of glucose powder, 1 large pack * one polysterene full* of sweet pickle cucumber with pineapple and onion, 4 pieces/13g of 80% dark chocolate, 2 pieces of hard candy from FOX, mint flavour.

Think I'm going to skip dinner..

4th of HOls
Nov 14 2008 08:28

its the 4th day since I'm back at hometown. And till now, i been binge in everyday.. You know.. grandma + chinese = fatten the kids up. Maybe its my fault since i couldn't resist the temptation of sweet potatoes that i hadn't touch since the beginning of the year and the endless supplies of biscuit and starchy fruits.. sigh.. I thought about going home earlier before I gain tremendous weight but my aunt wants me to go back on th 29th of Nov because she'll be going with me and i not really particular want to meet my mum yet.. I miss her, i can't deny that.. I miss her because she didn't asked me to eat all the time like my grandma or tell me white rice is VERY nutritious or banned me from going out exercising in the morning for fear i'm going to be trick even though i'm sixteen and looks like a boy or count every cost of the food and thing i spend on.. Man.. but even though that, i don't think i could face her, i mean my mum yet. I need more time to cool off. Its not easy NOT to argue with her when we meet..

Ranting about my life
Nov 09 2008 09:33

so, i was browsing through the forum when i saw one that made me think back about my life.. I doesn't remember much about my childhood other than nightmare and bad stuff, like getting chase by dog and hurting my friend. I really regretted that now i think back. she was my first best friend and i push her down the stairs. I was under 6 and pure evil. Now, i think again. Maybe i'm not evil. Just ignorant. You see, when i was young, i thought the world was all about me. I thought i was the only one with thought and others existant was just to humor me. And i probably kept that thought till i had a new life during secondary school.. Anyway, i think we're getting out of topic.

The thing i wanted to talk about is the damages of my self- esteem. Funnily , i never heard anyone say anything about me being pretty or cute and I think i grew up with their thought- i had a major negativity in me. Everyone kept saying i'm a crybaby and a snitch/ telltale but they never give a thought why i do that. Maybe i'm sort of a drama queen but the snitching stuff was taught by my parents. They often wants me to look after my OLDER brother and not the other round. I was suppose to report the things he did, like playing with fire in the ROOM and messing with the suis box, and when i did, my other relatives called me a telltaler. And i start to thought that they love my brother more because he was the only boy in our family with our surname and so, i started my mission to be a boy.

The no one called me pretty/cute stuff plus my family love my brother more than me fact made me an extremely pessimistic person. When i start secondary school in a different district after THEIR divorce, i tried to be like him, i mean my bro. Doesn't talk much, kept to one self and friends only. Other than that, i kept family out of my life.

I'm so evil. I mean i did a lot of evil things and have a lot of evil thoughts. 

List of evil thing i done and thought of :

i poured hot water on my brother when he came out of bath because we had an argument and i was not even 12.

I hit him with a belt

I don't cry when my grandpa passed away.

I'm not sure if i would care about my brother if anything happens to him.

Sometimes, i wish all of them would just disappear

I want to tell my mum to just do it when she threaten to send us to orphanage

I never call my dad, Dad anymore. I just say hello, yeah, uh huh, don't know,k, bye whenever he call.

I never bother to remember my family birthday but could never get the birth date of my first secondary/ truely known love boy out of my head until this year. Took 4 years to finally forgotten it was his birthday.

sometimes, i feel like killing them.

I always thought my mum would poison me to death after our argument

I bully my friends into doing thing for me.

---------------------------------------------------------

sometimes i wonder if i might be some sort of abuser in my life later on. There's a lot in my mind. So often before, i told my friend i wanted a boyfriend and i want to marry when i grow up but now, after getting rejected and my mum way of trying to comfort me by saying we don't need man in our life, I start to avoid falling in love with anyone but imaginary/ celebrities and i don't go for super handsome one, i go for beautiful celebrities like Yamada Ryosuke.

There's only one thing that i haven't change my mind about, which is my wish to have children. I like kids but i hate adults. I couldn't seem to get along with those that are more than 3 years older than me other than my aunties and uncle from my father side who watched me grow up. I think that was because i prefer to get close to the not so close family than my own parents and brother. Probably , they don't give me the I'm your family crap thing to me. Adults are hypocrite. I know that. I really hate my parents sometimes. Or do i? Maybe i just hate myself. I'm the one who told her about my father so call affair even though i'm not sure. My bro told me to keep my mouth shut but i just couldn't . Sometimes, i think everyone wants me to die and i did thought of it before. There were times when i was all alone at home, i would get something sharp and drew lines on my wrist. I tried to pushed harder but i'm afraid of the pain. It wasn't easy to die. And sometimes when i determine, i stop myself because i remember how i want my own children. and I haven't even ride a Double Decker before. 

Its so hard. I know I lucky enough to be born with everything intact and have a family but i don't know. I'm so confuse. Even know, I'm crying while writing this cause it makes me remember all the things i hate.  There's a lot of thing i don't know, like what i really want?

Sorry for the long ranting stupid stuff about my life. just feel like writing something. I think i should stop now before i go crazy.