white_sakura's Journal

Epiphany
Nov 25 2009 12:53

Been reading "In Defense of Food" from my library.  It's a good read.  And I realize why I've been not getting enough nutrition - my skin's getting really dry, I am drained of energy, and staying up at night for no reason.  Even though I am eating a lot more (you'd think that more food=more energy/nutrients) and stopped swimming because of the temperature (you'd think my skin would improve).  But actually I realized it's because I'm eating all this processed junk and not balancing out my meals/snacks during my overeating.  It's been a heck of a lot of dairy and/or sugar or a heck of a lot of fats (although they're healthy!).  I'm going to quit buying so many ready-made foods and go back to my old habits of minimally processed foods.

This is what I was eating at the beginning of the semester that was minimally processed:

• Fresh produce
• Frozen seafood
• Fresh meat/offals
• Dried beans
• Oats
• Rice
• Milk
• Dried spices, soy sauce, vinegar, cocoa powder
• Nuts and seeds
• Eggs

Tomorrow's the new day
Nov 16 2009 00:38

Ugh, okay so I've had it really bad this past week.  I didn't exactly binge, but I didn't eat normally either =\  Been eating a lot at night to stay awake doing work, or sometimes it would be the other way around...but tomorrow's a new day, and it's going to be THE new day for me.  No more snacking at night=no eating past 7PM!  I'm going to avoid weighing myself for the next 2 weeks, and I'm not allowing myself any sweets except fruit when I feel like rewarding myself.  Plus I will get enough sleep...starting Thursday (so many group meetings/presentations at 9PM..so ridiculous).  I sometimes curse my morning awakeness xD

Are they worth it?
Aug 12 2009 19:22

Are sugar-free products worth it?  Sure, they have fewer calories.  But they teach me that overindulgence is okay =/  I don't like sugar that much anyway, but for some foods that I eat that are sweetened, I am so tempted to use some random sweetener.  For example, if I were to make black bean brownies, I LOVE the taste of black beans with chocolate...but they don't taste good unless there is some sugar.  Is it worth it to add some stevia to the recipe instead of a cup of sugar? =/  Decisions, decisions.

Anyway, I'm thinking of this stuff because I am thinking of all the groceries that I am going to buy starting anew this next semester.  I feel like I'm buying a lot of dietary supplements and stuff, which isn't real food: wheat (or oat) bran, natural calorie-free sweetener?, flaxseeds, nut/legume flours, glucomannan...should or should I not?

"Can't do this later, so might as well do it now"
Aug 11 2009 14:20

I'm heading back to school in less than 2 weeks, where I know I will work hard at losing the weight I gained this past year.  However, it is just kicking my overeating into overdrive, as I just keep thinking "I won't have this later on, so let's just eat this now!"  I don't even know why - very small servings satisfy me, but I feel like I have to keep eating.  When I come home from work (since now I exercise in the morning before I go to work), I don't feel really pressured to go work out, so that I end up with less stress.  But last night I wouldn't budge from my laptop as I kept eating...I didn't even play the piano like I normally do.  UGH I hate being bored haha

Oh no...
Aug 10 2009 14:19

Wow I binged until I was stuffed today.  What's wrong with me? =[

Ecstatic
Aug 08 2009 17:55

I got my period today!!!!  It didn't come for 2 months, so I was getting a little worried.  But now I know that all that bingeing on ice cream and soda (which I don't even like....) and bloat was all from my menses coming back.  I'm so ecstatic :D

Plus I sorta fit into my size 3 shorts again.  Phew!

Needing to stop
Aug 07 2009 12:11

I guess for me, once I exceed 1300 calories, I'm pretty much done for.  i can do the 1300 calories.  But I always feel like it's not enough, so I eat just a *little* more.  Which leads to a lot.  I really need to stop with this thinking >_<

This morning: 125. =[

Also, sometimes I think that I get complacent.  Like, earlier this week I said I should be happy about my body.  I ended up exercising less, and I ended up gaining weight.  Hmm...

Changing my routine
Aug 06 2009 11:27

I tried to put on my size 3 shorts this morning.

It was a VERY tight squeeze (2 weeks ago they were just a little tight).

Then I decided to weigh myself.

124.5

Ouch....

I got about to thinking about the way and things I eat.  The complete lack of grains is making me hungry all the time.  I tried to do the adjusting for the past semester and the summer that has passed by so far of limiting my grains.  I obviously am not built for it, because it just leads to massive bingeing/overeating at night.  I got along just fine for the past 19 years of my life with carbs being the main guy at the table.  I think I'll stick to just that now.

I also think I was too strict on myself and wanted too many rewards.   I made sure that my carb-protein-fat ratio was as good as I could get it so that I could get enough fat, still have enough dairy, and limit my carbs (I lost my period, so I thought that I wasn't getting enough fat, and was paranoid about losing bone mass).  This kind of led me to believe that as long as I consumed adequate amounts of nuts and dairy, I could eat as much as I wanted (well, I didn't really think that, but my actions showed that line of thinking).  Plus, I felt that I could reward myself with something (like chocolate!) just because it was low in carbs, and have as much as I wanted.  Does a 6.5 pound weight gain show me otherwise?   Yes.  Is the Chinese doctor's idea of "not-balanced meals!" apply to me?  Now I see that it's true.  I want to return to my old habits of even back-then dieting.  I used to have a small cold-cut sandwich and a small peanut butter sandwich, with a half cup or so of veggies, like broccoli, for my meals, and gave myself 50-100 calories to play with afterward, which totally worked fine (except the amount of calories was too small - I know that now!) since I ate a regular meal and did not give myself enough to have a 300-calorie "healthy dessert" every meal.  I mean, it's a lot better than my old strategy of eating stir fry veggies (which I love, don't get me wrong), some dairy/protein, and then going all out on a 400 calorie snack or whatever.

I think my exercise routine is really bad now too.  When i get home from work, I am really tired and hungry, so I eat a little as a snack for energy before dinner (okay, a LOT), but then I still have to exercise while it's daytime outside and let the food digest a little...then after I exercise I come back to eat a LOT at dinner...and keep eating into the night.  Half the time when I realize I have eaten too much before exercise, I REALLY want to not exercise at all, which happened last night.  And I love to exercise.  So, my new plan is just to run every morning before work.  I don't care if I have to get up at 5:30 to do it.  What works works.

SO

Now that I've had all these epiphanies, I'll return to normal eating.  Hopefully when I get back to school I'll be at 120 pounds (unbloated), and I'll set more realistic goals then.

Relationships...ugh
Aug 05 2009 18:43

So.

I think I may like someone.  He likes me back.

Problem?

I'm going back to college in a couple weeks, and I won't be able to see him again for another few months.

I think I still have problems with self-love (hence the overeating and the wanting to lose weight).  I'm hoping that I will be able to resolve these issues in the coming semester, learn and grow, and come back being someone who can love themself as much as they love others.

Returning to normalcy?
Aug 04 2009 13:47

Hm last night I ate a bunch of chocolate, some cherries, and then felt like "screw this!" and ate about half an ounce of nuts.  But I think last night was a lot better than many nights beforehand, so I'm hoping that tonight it'll get to even less.  Because I want to snack less and eat more during my meals, like it should be, instead of grazing/overeating snacks at night.  We'll see how it goes.

As for physical activity today, I am probably going to take a nice, long stroll somewhere, since my legs feel busted.  I was prepared to do a 5-mile run around my area, but my legs feel stiff and I don't want to risk ruining my shins more than necessary.  Maybe it'll give me more incentive not to snack at night, since the calories won't be going anywhere. ;)