whooshi's Journal

Boo!

Nov 02 2009 07:14

So the candy cut out evaporated over the Halloweenie weekend--big time. But today is another day. Back on the sugar free pony and ride it!

Self discipline is just not happening for me this month.

I made a list of negative emotions as a result of something I read, to wit, negative emotions are lies we tell ourselves (or based in lies or the result of lies--however my paraphrase memory is working in any given moment). The list was trickier than I thought. I mentioned sorrow to my counselor, asking, are all negative emotions really a bad thing, such as longing or sorrow? He said "Sorrow is not a negative emotion. It is the beginning of compassion."

That strikes me as wisdom--real insight. I told my husband about this exchange, and he was not striken quite so quickly as I. He said he has to think about. Well, I understand, but I'm eager to hear his reasoned response.

New start?

Oct 26 2009 16:52

My father died 5 days after his birthday; I was in Ohio for 10 days and delivered the eulogy at his funeral. Of course it's been a topsy turvy month.

I don't know how much weight I've gained but the new smaller clothes I bought in June are quite tight these days. Today I feel somewhat ready to start again, to nurture my body and protect my health. My plan of action is simple enough: stop eating candy, cookies and cake. That's all I want to do for now; I have my own personal permission to eat whatever and as much of every thing else as my little heart desires, just knock off the sugar monkey again. It's only 5 pm, but so far, so good. Keep it up tonight and do it again tomorrow.

No, I have not gone to OA since June except 3-4 times in September; it can't help me right now because I don't want programmed help at the moment.

Bought my tickets to Atlanta for Thanksgiving and Christmas; I'm so looking forward to seeing my son's family. Eeny told me in his husky 3-yr-old voice yesterday, "I picked a pumpkin." That's my boy! I want to be around to see him and Adu at 23, so that motivate my eating behavior. My son drove up to Ohio for the funeral, so I got a chance to see him for a couple of days, and besides the mournful events, we celebrated some reunion time, especially with my brother. DJ hosted a big family gathering at Plank's with pizza and beer night before the funeral, then a big do at a Japanese steak house the night of funeral. We happened to be commemorating my niece's birthday same time. Funerals always mean food, don't they? Oddly (to me) we did not meet up with my step mother and her blood relatives. I assume they met up together, but therein begins a new story of splits and alliances.

out of control

Sep 21 2009 12:21

For more than a week I've been eating as if there were no tomorrow. Binges are a daily occurrence and yesterday that included half a pound of chocolates "for supper." I also spend too much money on beads. My excessive tendencies are on runaway mode at the moment, and I can't seem to reign them in. Just an observation. Not a desperate, self deprecating plea. Some day I'll get this right. Or not. But I hate gaining weight back, and I am.

Why now? Habit: once I start a little, the old way comes back fast. And perhaps I am dwelling just out of consciousness on death these days, given the cancers of my father and a friend plus my own and my husband's ages and imperfect health.

wedding blues

Sep 13 2009 21:15

Went to a wedding Saturday night and semi-embarrassed myself: didn't overeat, but 2 Manhattans absolutely zonked me out. The drinks crept up on me, and I think were much stronger (bigger) than I gave them credit for being --or maybe I'm just making excuses. Anyway, besides asking for help walking to and from the Ladies from passing servers, I was still wobbling to the bathroom when I got up to go at 4:30 am, then I slept 'noon. Unheard of!

Of the 180 or so people there, I only knew 6, although I talked to 5 strangers at our table, not including the servers at the hall. That includes my husband, the minister, the mother of the bride (a friend and the source of the invitation), her two sons, and a deacon (and friend) from our church who rode with us the hour to the hall. No, I did not know either the bride or groom, and neither did the deacon, though we were honored to be invited--only ones from our mutual community to be so, besides the minister who performed the ceremony. I admit I felt a bit out of place, although pleased to be at such a lovely party. And I didn't behave egregiously, although I wobbled a lot and patted a young man with Downs enough to prompt his mom to warn me "He doesn't like to be touched." Mostly I was embarrassed WITH myself after the end of school barfing debacle and my resolution not to drink so much ever again. Nor do I know the deacon well enough to be comfortably inebriated in her company, as I might with my siblings and spouse once in a blue moon.

So I went to this wedding, and it's all about me! No, really, it was beautiful. Though I don't recall ever seeing the bride before, I admired her dark-haired beauty and sylph-like figure in her form fitting strapless white gown with beige cumberbund. The attendants wore short dark blue strapless numbers which, as the deacon commented, they'll be able to wear again. The wedding cake was remarkable, though we left without tasting it: four square layers with dark blue bands and sugar orchids were circled by 3-4 tiny bunnies and guinea pigs that I first thought were stuffed animals, but found to be confectionery--so cute and unusual!

One little warning for wedding planners and brides in general: a woman went up the aisle spreading copious amounts of very fresh pink rose petals on the wooden floor ahead of the bridal party. "Uh-oh!" thought I, and sure enough, a bridesmaid, the father of the bride, and minister all slipped on them on the way out from the ceremony. Proves once again, looks aren't everything.

So I was too drunk to overeat that evening, but that didn't stop me in the afternoon after my trip to Whole Foods for lunch, I'm sorry to say. The word copious returns to mind, perhaps to disguise "another binge."

On the other hand

Sep 10 2009 08:43

Baltic amber IS wondrous, but what I bought was a strand of reconstituted amber, which is crumbly, rough, and delicate--more like coal is to diamond. I like it, nevertheless, and it smells very piney--do any other beads have a fragrancde at all? Anyway, I posted pictures in my gallery of the work in progress and me wearing the finished item. (I couldn't figure out how to post a photo directly in the journal: pasting URL in dialog box for my desktop or iPhoto or Picasa didn't work, and posting to Picasa first reduced the size in the Gallery. Oh well; job for another day.)

I binged very badly last night, so 3 successful days, one horrible one.

Another day

Sep 07 2009 09:04

Stayed on track yesterday, got a plan for today. I do feel zen, at least this am, M!

Yesterday, started a "Flintstone" necklace with Baltic amber--who knew, it seems to be very pricy raw tree resin; gotta check it out on the internet--and finished a pair of copper coin earrings. Tomorrow, look forward to working with my students--first real day of school for these two groups--and trimming the pots I threw on Friday. Good grief, I'm evolving into a real artist (note I didn't say a GOOD artist!)

Back again

Sep 06 2009 09:55

I had not turned on my computer, not even for email, from June 18ish til last week, so my writing stopped nearly completely and so did my attention to my eating/food issues gradually over the summer. I had wonderful times with my family in Georgia and Ohio. (Did I mention one of my 3 year old grandsons SINGS wonderfully with me; especially "If I could I would build you a new day" from "Babe" and "Sing a song"?) We still have the usual complement of suffering and woes in the family--unemployment, underemployment, illness, alcoholism, depression, meanness, accidents--but I'm quite effective these days at dwelling on the good and not the bad in life. Partly this means I increasing paid less heed to what foods and how much goes into my body. Thus, I expected to lose 10ish pounds and in fact gained about that much. I started out at 193 by July 4, and I'm guessing I'm around 200 here at Labor Day. I'm back to my May weight. It doesn't fret me any more than the other events of my recent days, though, but I admit I need to make new efforts to be conscious about my food habits .

I will note two sad changes looming: my father has a mass on his liver, and my good friend and colleague's husband's cancer has metastisized (sp: don't remember). Two important deaths are predictable and imminent therefore. I don't feel much beyond a mild sadness about this situation, although sorrow for my friend is deep. I'm not numb, but I do "live in the moment" more than ever. Thus sadness blends with all the gladness that happens--so much of that! I'm a fortunate person! Events and emotions even out. I don't do or accept drama these days.

That includes getting worked up over eating and weight. I acknowledge that I behave from deeply conditioned patterns; they may never change for more than short periods of time before I die. If I am able to change them, fine; I will still make the effort as my attention is drawn there. Meantime, "I've got the sun in the morning and the moon at night!"

PS, "Deeply conditioned behavioral patterns" equates, to my thinking to obsession/compulsion, and I have a new one to report. I have gone nuts over beading and wire work, especially making necklaces and earrings. Then do I have the receipts to prove it! I will not say how much I've spent on beads, wires, and tools this summer, but I shake my head over it myself. Seems like a variation on my eating pattern. I have made 22 pairs of earrings and 20 necklaces of increasing complexity since school got out. Someday I'll have to learn to sell them in order to "support my habit" and keep the house from being overrun. I'm not that good yet, however.

Two wondrous pros I met in Marietta this summer at Rita and Sandy's antique stores, "Fit for a Queen." Angie Mueller is a person I loved immediately and whose artistry I admired sufficiently for investment. I'm the proud owner of 3 of her pieces--I'll try to remember to post a photo soon. Ford (Smith? my memory for names is getting worse) of "Gemtiques" is the other exceptionally honest jeweler I met at the same location. He's currently casting some brass nametags for me to put on my own work. I look forward to seeing them all again in December.

By the way, if you're ever in Columbus, Ohio, take a trip to "Byzantium" bead shop on North High Street whether or not you're a beader. It's been in business since the "hippie bead days" of the 1970s, as my sister Liz reminded me when she showed me the sun-&-moon earrings she made back in the day. The store's a fascinating display of "material culture" and shiny objects.

Then go toward downtown about a block to "Zen Cha Tea Salon." I can't say enough good about that place. While Liz the non-teaster indulged in Bubble Tea, I enjoyed most the "tea sampler:" you test drive three at one sitting in a kind of ritual. (In fact, I liked the Wu Yi oolong, Yunnan, and Keemun so well than I'm off my usual Assams back here at home.) The ambiance really is clean, calm-- zen. The treats are tasty and not gut busters. The owner and hired help are friendly and lovely. This gently astringent tearoom has replaced the fabulously artery-clogging, eye-popping Germanic Schmidt's, holder of first place for me for decades, as favorite restaurant. May they both live long and prosper!

Whoa, Nellie!

Jun 16 2009 12:02

Mageeg's comment on my description of mindful eating prompted me to to try it again at lunch today with my beans and rice, cherries, and broccoli and carrot crudites. Awareness was creeping toward me last time with the quinoa and boiled eggs, but it arrived in my full consciousness today. The sensuality of food is downright sexual if the self-governors come off. The mouth movements mimiced sex quite directly when I slowed down and didn't bolt the food. When I closed my eyes and was not distracted by other people and left the "the land of De Nile", tingling in the "tingly parts" occurred. An image of an infant self nursing at my mother's breast conflated with my children nursing at my breast and calmed me. Then I sensed the comforting fullness of my stomach; same thing a baby senses. I feel silly confessing all this, but there it is, truthfully. I guess it's no wonder I have "food issues," bound as they are to sexual issues.

One thing I read in OA lit this am: a lady wrote,"Sometimes I feel sad when a meal is over, when I need to stop eating. I want to keep on eating." I certainly recognize that feeling, since it initiates most most of my binging. I don't want to stop, either, especially when the pleasure is repressed from the get-go.

Actually, Life is a mixed bag

Jun 15 2009 08:32

Well, I "hit the skids" with binging through last Friday and for the previous 10 days, ranging from 2100 to 3100 c per day with the intention of 1600 c/d. I also purged twice because my stomach got so full it hurt. Right. Let's step up another compulsion. Then I "hit the brakes" on Saturday, two good eating days in a row and good intentions for today. I still can't figure out what prompts the onset of the "malaise days" or their contrary times. I'm just glad when it stops. And I'm trying self interventions vigorously enough, one being to keep up my calorie count record, if not my journal, another being the OA meetings and phone calls, which I do find helpful, and of course the "interior work" that my counselor steers me toward or I remember or invent from other situations. My favorite of the latter this weekend: "Mindful Eating:" Couldn't work it out when I ate with people, but when I ate alone, I focused on each bite the the specific mouth and body sensations produced by consuming the meal. If you haven't tried it, you may do so with the realization of a very personal experience.

I'm leaving for Ohio and Georgia on Friday, to be gone all summer. We still have school til Wednesday, when I will join a few of my colleagues for essentially a wildish party. All food bets are off for the day; I do expect a return to reason on Thursday, darn it!

BEFORE I eat, here's my plan du Jour (Claire is so right to do this:
B: Smoothie ( half banana, 2 T raspberrries, 15 g whey powder, 8-9 oz hemp milk, 1 t chia & flax seeds ground w 2 T oatmeal, 1 t agave syrup, 1 t acai berry powder. (450 c)
tea

L. chicken breast, steamed broccoli, 10-12 cherry tomatoes, 1 c quinoa 400 c

Sup: 1 c beans, 1 c black rice, large salad w/ lfdrs, 1'4 c kimchi or ruby kraut, optional: 1/2 c yogurt w/ blueberries (500 c)

Snacks as needed: Apple and/or1 c cherries (200 c) 1500c total

Life is good.

Jun 05 2009 10:52

So many good things are happening to me lately. Somehow, that's another reason to eat trigger foods, esp. ice cream, choc, & pb this week, and binge in celebration. I told my counselor I don't feel guilty about the binges, but I feel like I SHOULD feel guilty. Oh well. I also told him, "I just love you, though I've tried hard not to tell you for the past two weeks. I told my husband, too." I'm going to miss him a lot this summer. And I'm obviously feeling more comfortable about men generally. I received two compliments from men this week, and I've always had difficulty in such situations. The first was a younger, slender stranger at the workshop who said he liked listening to me, basicly talk about myself. The other was a parent of a former student of mine, also a teacher, who said I had really had an impact on his son, and he appreciated it. My students generally are respectful as the year is ending, and I'm thrilled.