whooshi's Journal

back on the roller coaster

Dec 09 2009 18:23

Yesterday went well until 8:30; I felt confident and centered, went to an OA mtg, then at bedtime binged on nuts and cereal. No apparent reason, but, of course, none needed. The chaos continued this morning, which was a snow day, so no work. I kept eating cereal and nuts and milk and lunched on pb & honey plus canned soup and potato chips--seriously, not the kind of foods I want or eat when I feel healthy. I note some odd physical symptoms in the last 24, too, beginning with a drunken feeling after eating all the carbs, followed up with severe vertigo twice, and the worst leg cramps I ever had, all in the middle of the night. Think I got enough potassium & calcium yesterday and I have been getting more walking in for two days. I'm due for a doctor's check up for sure.

Snow day meant I didn't have to perform my part in the teacher workshop we had scheduled for this afternoon; it will undoubtedly be rescheduled. I made another necklace today, for my sister Donna: garnet, almost pink pearls, lavender candy jade, gold beads, clear quartz , honey quartz, and gold plated beads and findings. Yes, it's hard to give it away when they come out so well. That's what cameras are for.

Little things mean a lot

Dec 08 2009 11:27

But it's not really so little. I safely navigated the shoals of bad eating again yesterday and am well underweigh for another appropriate day. I actually went for a walk after supper instead of suffering my usual postprandial cravings to eat ANYTHING for two more hours. In the dark. In the cold. on icy streets. For 45 minutes. Ta-da! and thank goodness for Christmas lights. And I didn't feel like eating when I got home.

In fact, I strung another necklace with a homemade copper bale and 90 percent clay beads made by moi, just a few coppery sparkly goldstone beads for umph.

So far, so good--again

Dec 06 2009 19:52

I'm counting 3 successful days in a row, with less than 2K cal and no junk food. Feels like a good start to me. My friend Myra says pat yourself on the back for every success, specifically, make it Ta Da! rather than To Do. So TaDa! to me today!

One more time, with feeling!

Dec 05 2009 08:41

I've gained nearly 30 lbs in about 3 months despite my good intentions every morning, as well as stomach aches, stomach acid and vomiting, compromised joints and muscle tone. My efforts have broken down every evening with binges, particularly with candy, cookie or cake carbs, nuts, and cheese. Of course I'm more depressed and anxious than I had been in months. This is a very old pattern of behavior: take months or years to lose weight and feel better about my body, follow up in a brief time to gain back all and more. This time has been faster to regain, and technically, I have 10 more lbs to add before I'm right back where I started in Jan 07. Nevertheless, I do feel hopeful this morning. I "did better" yesterday: ate sugar sweetened cereals 3 times in the day, including an 8pm 3 cup binge, but no other unhealthy foods and a cc of 1900 or 2000 rather than the usual 2500-3500 of the past two months. I feel hopeful because it's a real start and this morning, I WANT to change the behavior again.

I discussed the issue with my counselor Thursday. He told me 2 things changed his life: twenty years of analysis with a pair of average shrinks and one slightly whacky but very creative one, and thirty years of meditaiton. Oddly, it encourages me to know that. I'm also going to an OA meeting this morning; that will help, too. Next, I need to also get more exercise--walking--despite my recent resistance as well as to give up NCIS and Bravo since TV spins me into unhealthy automaticity. Finally, I'm rebooting into Calorie Count--this was an invaluable activity for me for 2 1/2 years. Must be why I stopped doing it.

Boo!

Nov 02 2009 07:14

So the candy cut out evaporated over the Halloweenie weekend--big time. But today is another day. Back on the sugar free pony and ride it!

Self discipline is just not happening for me this month.

I made a list of negative emotions as a result of something I read, to wit, negative emotions are lies we tell ourselves (or based in lies or the result of lies--however my paraphrase memory is working in any given moment). The list was trickier than I thought. I mentioned sorrow to my counselor, asking, are all negative emotions really a bad thing, such as longing or sorrow? He said "Sorrow is not a negative emotion. It is the beginning of compassion."

That strikes me as wisdom--real insight. I told my husband about this exchange, and he was not striken quite so quickly as I. He said he has to think about. Well, I understand, but I'm eager to hear his reasoned response.

New start?

Oct 26 2009 16:52

My father died 5 days after his birthday; I was in Ohio for 10 days and delivered the eulogy at his funeral. Of course it's been a topsy turvy month.

I don't know how much weight I've gained but the new smaller clothes I bought in June are quite tight these days. Today I feel somewhat ready to start again, to nurture my body and protect my health. My plan of action is simple enough: stop eating candy, cookies and cake. That's all I want to do for now; I have my own personal permission to eat whatever and as much of every thing else as my little heart desires, just knock off the sugar monkey again. It's only 5 pm, but so far, so good. Keep it up tonight and do it again tomorrow.

No, I have not gone to OA since June except 3-4 times in September; it can't help me right now because I don't want programmed help at the moment.

Bought my tickets to Atlanta for Thanksgiving and Christmas; I'm so looking forward to seeing my son's family. Eeny told me in his husky 3-yr-old voice yesterday, "I picked a pumpkin." That's my boy! I want to be around to see him and Adu at 23, so that motivate my eating behavior. My son drove up to Ohio for the funeral, so I got a chance to see him for a couple of days, and besides the mournful events, we celebrated some reunion time, especially with my brother. DJ hosted a big family gathering at Plank's with pizza and beer night before the funeral, then a big do at a Japanese steak house the night of funeral. We happened to be commemorating my niece's birthday same time. Funerals always mean food, don't they? Oddly (to me) we did not meet up with my step mother and her blood relatives. I assume they met up together, but therein begins a new story of splits and alliances.

out of control

Sep 21 2009 12:21

For more than a week I've been eating as if there were no tomorrow. Binges are a daily occurrence and yesterday that included half a pound of chocolates "for supper." I also spend too much money on beads. My excessive tendencies are on runaway mode at the moment, and I can't seem to reign them in. Just an observation. Not a desperate, self deprecating plea. Some day I'll get this right. Or not. But I hate gaining weight back, and I am.

Why now? Habit: once I start a little, the old way comes back fast. And perhaps I am dwelling just out of consciousness on death these days, given the cancers of my father and a friend plus my own and my husband's ages and imperfect health.

wedding blues

Sep 13 2009 21:15

Went to a wedding Saturday night and semi-embarrassed myself: didn't overeat, but 2 Manhattans absolutely zonked me out. The drinks crept up on me, and I think were much stronger (bigger) than I gave them credit for being --or maybe I'm just making excuses. Anyway, besides asking for help walking to and from the Ladies from passing servers, I was still wobbling to the bathroom when I got up to go at 4:30 am, then I slept 'noon. Unheard of!

Of the 180 or so people there, I only knew 6, although I talked to 5 strangers at our table, not including the servers at the hall. That includes my husband, the minister, the mother of the bride (a friend and the source of the invitation), her two sons, and a deacon (and friend) from our church who rode with us the hour to the hall. No, I did not know either the bride or groom, and neither did the deacon, though we were honored to be invited--only ones from our mutual community to be so, besides the minister who performed the ceremony. I admit I felt a bit out of place, although pleased to be at such a lovely party. And I didn't behave egregiously, although I wobbled a lot and patted a young man with Downs enough to prompt his mom to warn me "He doesn't like to be touched." Mostly I was embarrassed WITH myself after the end of school barfing debacle and my resolution not to drink so much ever again. Nor do I know the deacon well enough to be comfortably inebriated in her company, as I might with my siblings and spouse once in a blue moon.

So I went to this wedding, and it's all about me! No, really, it was beautiful. Though I don't recall ever seeing the bride before, I admired her dark-haired beauty and sylph-like figure in her form fitting strapless white gown with beige cumberbund. The attendants wore short dark blue strapless numbers which, as the deacon commented, they'll be able to wear again. The wedding cake was remarkable, though we left without tasting it: four square layers with dark blue bands and sugar orchids were circled by 3-4 tiny bunnies and guinea pigs that I first thought were stuffed animals, but found to be confectionery--so cute and unusual!

One little warning for wedding planners and brides in general: a woman went up the aisle spreading copious amounts of very fresh pink rose petals on the wooden floor ahead of the bridal party. "Uh-oh!" thought I, and sure enough, a bridesmaid, the father of the bride, and minister all slipped on them on the way out from the ceremony. Proves once again, looks aren't everything.

So I was too drunk to overeat that evening, but that didn't stop me in the afternoon after my trip to Whole Foods for lunch, I'm sorry to say. The word copious returns to mind, perhaps to disguise "another binge."

On the other hand

Sep 10 2009 08:43

Baltic amber IS wondrous, but what I bought was a strand of reconstituted amber, which is crumbly, rough, and delicate--more like coal is to diamond. I like it, nevertheless, and it smells very piney--do any other beads have a fragrancde at all? Anyway, I posted pictures in my gallery of the work in progress and me wearing the finished item. (I couldn't figure out how to post a photo directly in the journal: pasting URL in dialog box for my desktop or iPhoto or Picasa didn't work, and posting to Picasa first reduced the size in the Gallery. Oh well; job for another day.)

I binged very badly last night, so 3 successful days, one horrible one.

Another day

Sep 07 2009 09:04

Stayed on track yesterday, got a plan for today. I do feel zen, at least this am, M!

Yesterday, started a "Flintstone" necklace with Baltic amber--who knew, it seems to be very pricy raw tree resin; gotta check it out on the internet--and finished a pair of copper coin earrings. Tomorrow, look forward to working with my students--first real day of school for these two groups--and trimming the pots I threw on Friday. Good grief, I'm evolving into a real artist (note I didn't say a GOOD artist!)