Chelle 42 yr old Pagan Witch, mom of 4, living in the MidWest
willowraven's Journal
blah, blah, blahDec 14 2006 19:56
Ok... warning... not sure where I am going with all this.
I am just feeling so blah, and defeated and frustrated and upset and disappointed and 100 other things I can't even begin to come up with words to define. I have been doing the foods ok, and getting my water back up, and getting back into the routine of every other day at the gym (had fallen off a bit because of my knee - now that it's healed I'm back on my routine). I went today and just couldn't get 'into' it - I forced myself through the resistance machines and just sort of 'tuned out' while I was on the treadmill. I am so BS at my scale and ready to throw the thing across the room. I know I'm doing everything right yet if I went totally based off my scale, I am almost back to where I started in October - and I know that can't be right either. Wes tells me that he can tell I've lost weight just because my clothes aren't as tight on me, and my hips seems smaller (not as wide). I want to believe it - really I do. Part of me thinks he's just saying it to make me feel better so I don't give up. I am so depressed thinking why am I bothering - I'm doing all this work for what? I got my weight down to the low 390's and very briefly to 389 and then I bounced back up to the high 390s and now I can't get below 400 - and I've done NOTHING to gain that kind of weight. I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate the scale. I hate having my body and my metabolism as an enemy. I hate that I have to fight SO hard for just an ounce off my body - only for it to come back anyways. I want to be thinner. I want to be healthy. I want to be happy. I want to be normal. And my body is fighting me every inch of the way. I feel like a blimp with arms and legs sticking out. I look like it too. I caught a sight of me in the mirror at the gym the other day. Mirrors don't lie. Even if the scale is messed up - the mirror isn't. I swear, I look bigger now than I did 3 months ago. Is that even possible????????
ARGH. I am so frustrated. I don't know what else to do. I am doing everything I should be doing, could be doing. It shouldn't be *THIS* hard. It's like I'm coming smack into cement walls every time I turn around when it comes to my weight. I just want to cry, or curl up in a ball and fade away. I wish I had a time machine where I could go back to when I was in my 20's and do it all over again, and do what I should have done in regards to my weight and my health, instead of letting it all slide like I did.
I wish....I wish....I wish.... ::sigh:: I won't even go into the things that I want or need. Its just a lesson in frustration. Wes asked me about a week ago what I wanted for Xmas. I told him, quite simply "nothing". Today, we went shopping for gifts for some friends and family members and Rebecca said that she wanted Subway for dinner and I said "how does it feel to want?" True, probably not the best thing I could have said but hey... I then said "I don't even think about what I want anymore because it's either not possible or can't afford it or whatever. I just get sadly disappointed." And Wes said "Even with me?" and I looked at him and said "yea, sometimes even you." I probably shouldn't have said that. I should have just kept my mouth shut. I didn't say it to hurt him. I'm just .....
I hope you are all having a better day than I am, and sorry for the mood and if I'm bringing anyone down. Just needed to get this off my chest.
I am just feeling so blah, and defeated and frustrated and upset and disappointed and 100 other things I can't even begin to come up with words to define. I have been doing the foods ok, and getting my water back up, and getting back into the routine of every other day at the gym (had fallen off a bit because of my knee - now that it's healed I'm back on my routine). I went today and just couldn't get 'into' it - I forced myself through the resistance machines and just sort of 'tuned out' while I was on the treadmill. I am so BS at my scale and ready to throw the thing across the room. I know I'm doing everything right yet if I went totally based off my scale, I am almost back to where I started in October - and I know that can't be right either. Wes tells me that he can tell I've lost weight just because my clothes aren't as tight on me, and my hips seems smaller (not as wide). I want to believe it - really I do. Part of me thinks he's just saying it to make me feel better so I don't give up. I am so depressed thinking why am I bothering - I'm doing all this work for what? I got my weight down to the low 390's and very briefly to 389 and then I bounced back up to the high 390s and now I can't get below 400 - and I've done NOTHING to gain that kind of weight. I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate the scale. I hate having my body and my metabolism as an enemy. I hate that I have to fight SO hard for just an ounce off my body - only for it to come back anyways. I want to be thinner. I want to be healthy. I want to be happy. I want to be normal. And my body is fighting me every inch of the way. I feel like a blimp with arms and legs sticking out. I look like it too. I caught a sight of me in the mirror at the gym the other day. Mirrors don't lie. Even if the scale is messed up - the mirror isn't. I swear, I look bigger now than I did 3 months ago. Is that even possible????????
ARGH. I am so frustrated. I don't know what else to do. I am doing everything I should be doing, could be doing. It shouldn't be *THIS* hard. It's like I'm coming smack into cement walls every time I turn around when it comes to my weight. I just want to cry, or curl up in a ball and fade away. I wish I had a time machine where I could go back to when I was in my 20's and do it all over again, and do what I should have done in regards to my weight and my health, instead of letting it all slide like I did.
I wish....I wish....I wish.... ::sigh:: I won't even go into the things that I want or need. Its just a lesson in frustration. Wes asked me about a week ago what I wanted for Xmas. I told him, quite simply "nothing". Today, we went shopping for gifts for some friends and family members and Rebecca said that she wanted Subway for dinner and I said "how does it feel to want?" True, probably not the best thing I could have said but hey... I then said "I don't even think about what I want anymore because it's either not possible or can't afford it or whatever. I just get sadly disappointed." And Wes said "Even with me?" and I looked at him and said "yea, sometimes even you." I probably shouldn't have said that. I should have just kept my mouth shut. I didn't say it to hurt him. I'm just .....
I hope you are all having a better day than I am, and sorry for the mood and if I'm bringing anyone down. Just needed to get this off my chest.
i know how ya feel. i sweated and starved (not really but yaknow) down to 276... then all of a sudden, POOF.. 284. I will never understand the human body and why it takes us SO MUCH work to lose 10 pounds, yet over night you can gain 4 pounds back like the damn fat fairy tapped us on the head right when we were feeling good about ourselves. I can't offer you any advice, other than to stick to it. But I certainly can relate. I actually made a video of myself running my scale over with my car. I will have to upload it and show you. Sometimes I sit and contemplate why shouldn't i just get gastric bypass surgery and fuck all this hard work that is getting me no where! But ugh... I'm sorry, I'm a debbie downer today too ;/ |
{{{chelle}}} which would you like, the punching bag, the box of kleenix, the new bottle of rainbow bubbles... a laff movie, romantic comedy? a good book? if i could, i'd hand you a wand... i'd wipe the years away and we could do a do over together. i could go for that! all I can can think to say is keep coming here, don't quit... keep yelling and i'll sit on the floor with you until you get up and are walking again... and some day, the happy will well up from inside, i promise! you can do this. look in the mirror and say it out loud. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this. like the train... choo choo, not chow chow! <snugs> pssst.... by any chance is it totm? I always gain a bunch ~ 10 - 12 lbs and it doesn't start coming off until day 3 and takes 3 days to come off. |
I actually made a video of myself running my scale over with my car. I will have to upload it and show you. ROFLMAO!! Yes, please do!! That would *so* make my day! I actually laughed out loud when I read that!! LOL |
pssst.... by any chance is it totm? I always gain a bunch ~ 10 - 12 lbs and it doesn't start coming off until day 3 and takes 3 days to come off. Actually, it just ended 2 days ago, so yea, it can possibly be leftover fluid retention from that. I can typically gain 5-8 lbs from it which I can just sort of shake off. My scale is going demonic though and showing 13, 15 - sometimes even 18 lb differences!! I'm like "no flipping WAY did I gain *that* much!" Case in point...tonite I was gonna step on the scale, just for sh**s and giggles. Couldn't get it to work - it would come on and give me the 'on' signal, but it didn't give me the 'ready' signal. So I came out and told Wes I couldnt' get it to work, and can't believe the batteries I put in 2 weeks ago could be dead already. So my daughter goes back there, and gets it working. Fine, no problem. So I step right on, it tells me 403.3. I started grumbling and calling the scale names. (It's a talking scale with a woman's voice so fill in the blanks of what I was calling her.) Well then I realized I hadn't let it reset between my daughter's weighing and mine. So I turned it on again, waited for the 'ready' signal and stepped on. Mind you it wasn't even a full 2 mins later. Now it's reading 393.3. I don't know what kind of diet that was, but lose 10 lbs in 2 mins! My daughter wants to know my secret!!! LOL |
:::snort::: yes! me2!!! 10 lbs in 2 mins, i could so go for that!!! and i can't wait to see the running over scale video. in the past... shhhhh, don't spread this around, but i've been known to throw scales off the 2nd story porch, use a sledghammer on 1, and mentally drop kick the sucker down the highways and byways!!! i've thrown more away out of sheer aggravation... and say, that's it. I'm never weighing again!!! so, i hear ya! and Amanda? She's my kinda gal.. She might be surprised to find a gaggle of us sitting in her j waiting for that video ;) {{{cheers~n~hugs}}} psst... yep, it's water then... and maybe a defunct scale... and no, i did not mean that *f* word ~ haha ;) |
Big giant squishy hugz! Stick with it. I had a really rough start, ate super healthy for 3 months... did not lose a single pound. http://www.calorie-count.com/forums/post/8460.html Changed my way of thinking, stop obsessing over weight loss and instead focused on having more healthy days instead of unhealthy days. Currently at about 54 lbs lose. |
{{{hugs}}} for you... i understand. i started at 324 and got as low as 289 only to bounce back to 297. i also stopped going to the gym (for now), because i really hate going. people always say how exercise makes you feel better but honestly i've never felt good after a work out. it's because i am doing something i don't want to do. i also understand that feeling you have of wanting to just lay down and hide forever... i want to do the same thing too... but, i just keep coming here and hope that eventually my body will respond in a way that makes me smile. {{{more hugs}}} you can do it...we all can do it...we just have to believe in ourselves... be strong |
dont you dare give up chelle! maybe try not to be so hard on yourself, you have come so far! remind yourself of all the positive things you have learned/found/incorporated into your life. you are gonna have moments like these. no fear, lady. shake it off, you are stronger than this. i think your scale is trippin... mine will read a couple of lbs different if i move it. its a digital scale. take your measurements again in a couple of days. i KNOW those look good. i would so love to see AMANDA's vid. funny! sorry i havent replied to your email, i had a family trauma/crisis going on. dont take that personally. i am just now getting back with my c-c peeps. ((((((((hugs))))))))) |
Don't give up. This is that moment when you can fight through the worst sort of depression, self-hatred, and feel better about yourself because you didn't give up. People who have weighed more than you have done it, and I know you can too. Just don't give up. |
Don't give up, sweetie. We're all pulling for you. I know how frustrating it is when things trend the wrong way. Just keep counting, eating healthy and clean, and exercising. It WILL come off. Really, honestly. It has to. The laws of thermodynamics dictate it to be so!! :) Maybe you need to dropkick that b1tchscale and get a tape measure instead. Measure once a month. That way, you know for sure whether or not you are making real progress with losing fat and keeping your muscle. I started doing HIIT in August. I didn't lose a pound the WHOLE MONTH. But my pants size went down from 20 to 16. So, if I just went by what the scale said, I would have been tempted to eat everything in the house. 'Cause... no progress! ARRGH! But there was progress. The scale just wasn't the right tool to measure it. Hang in there. Eat, breathe, move. You can do it. Do it for you and your family. |
im looking for it guys! and if for some reason hubby deleted it, i will just make another one for everyone! BTW: YAY TO THE FACT THAT EVERYONE KNOWS MY NAME NOW!@#!@# |
i think your scale is trippin... mine will read a couple of lbs different if i move it. its a digital scale. take your measurements again in a couple of days. i KNOW those look good. LOL I think it's trippin' too! I saw someone post in one of the forums yesterday about how her scale bounced 8 lbs within 1 day, so I did a little checking of my own and came up with this: last night, 8:40 PM .. 392.3 (bedtime: 2:30 AM) this morning, 6:00, bathroom run .. 390.2 this morning, 11:15 AM, bathroom run .. 395.6 today, 12:49 PM bathroom run (back to bed) .. 400.6 wake up, 1:45 PM, bathroom run .. 402.3 And no! I did not eat or drink ANYTHING from bedtime til the last weigh in. Was curious how much I fluctuated and as you can see, within approximately 7-8 hours, I fluctuated a flippin' 12 lbs!!!!! I damn near fainted. |
Willow, Stop weighing yourself so much. You know that weight fluctuates from hour to hour and day to day...even times during the month. All you are doing is depressing yourself!!!! You know in your heart that you are losing....you have to be. You have made changes in your eating and are getting more exercise. Try to get your mind on something else. It will come...it will come...it will come. Take care sweetie. Denise |
Oh I know it fluctuates during the day. I was curious by how much, which is why I did the little experiment with the scale. Normally I just do it once, possibly twice. However when I saw the post in the forum from someone about how theirs fluctuated 8 lbs within a day, I figured I'd check and see how much mine did within a day, and got some interesting results. Now that I'm aware of how much my body does/can fluctuate, I'm not stressing as much. I just wish I knew which one is the 'real' weight, you know? The one that isn't all fluid retention and such. Other than that, as long as I know I'm losing, it's all good. |
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