Chelle 42 yr old Pagan Witch, mom of 4, living in the MidWest

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The Why's of the Binge
Dec 18 2006 23:38

Maybe someone can answer this for me:

Why, when I'm hurting, or someone has hurt me, would I rather go for the food and binge (and end up hurting myself) instead of confronting the person that hurt me? Why do I choose to inflict pain and physical injury (i.e. added weight from binge) instead of unloading the emotional and psychological baggage, as well as a possible binge trigger? I mean, I was pouring a glass of *real* soda just a little while ago instead of confronting my husband about something and instead of me stopping the soda from pouring the rest of the way and going to him and saying "hey... we need to talk", I just started drinking the soda. I mean, I became aware of what I am doing, and what triggered it... just don't understand why I can't stop the next step - taking in the excess calories instead of unloading the 'baggage'?

Why am I so afraid of telling people that they have hurt me, or that I feel they are wrong, or whatever? Why do I always feel that I have to please people all the time, even at my own expense? And knowing that I'm doing this to myself just makes me more made and angry at myself, as well as frustrated and disappointed. I know that a lot of my weight (85-90%?) is a result of this kind of destructive behavior, and it's one that I have been doing all my life. How do I stop myself from continuing to do this?

All my life, food has been the comfort. It has been what I used to drown all the hurt, anger, frustration, disappointment, rejection, and all those hurtful, negative emotions. How come I can learn - and know - all the techniques to use to talk myself out of a binge but when it happens, it's all out the window? It sounds so good in theory, and in reality I know that it's right. Then why do I feel so wrong and bad and inhuman for standing up for myself, and doing what I know is right for me? What is it about me that makes me feel and think that I'm not worthy? I know what to tell everyone else and I mean it when I say it to them. Why can't I tell myself the same thing, and mean it, and believe it, and do it?

On a different note - I'm not looking forward to the holidays. I used to love Christmas as a child. Not just because of the presents, though they were always nice. I loved the feel of Christmas - the decorations, the lights, the colors, the stories, the traditions. Most of what I love about Yule (Winter Solstice) is the fact that it's not commercial, that is very much steeped in tradition. And even with all that, I just want to crawl into bed and not get out til some time in January. I was at the store yesterday and today and I found myself literally fisting up my hands to avoid screaming at all the people around me. I told Wes today at the post office, "It's hard to get excited about a holiday when you can't even afford it." I have a big enough stress just worrying about how we will normally make it through the month with the regular expenses, never mind added expenses of gifts, holiday food and other holiday-related expenses. I miss having a dependable, decent income. My daughter keeps asking me what I want for Christmas (we celebrate both here since we have family and friends that celebrate both) - and I told her most of the stuff I want can't be bought, and since I know asking for those things is a waste of time and my energy wishing for them, then I don't wish for them, because I know they won't happen. And sadly, she knows I'm right.

Tomorrow we are going to the gym after we pick up Rebecca (we didn't go today, she was home sick and we had errands to run - got too late to go). After the gym we are heading to a friend's house to help her with a few things. Not sure what time we will be home. Hope you all have a pleasant tomorrow and continued success on your weight loss goals!!

P.S. Can we build a "troll room" on CC for the occassional trolls, pro-ana's, thick-headed ones who don't want to listen to advice and so on?? I think my "lack of tolerance" is starting to show, and I'm trying very hard for it to not happen.

Ok, it was just a thought... rant over....

Replies

1. coffeelover2000
Dec 19 2006 10:01

Ya, I know what you mean about wanting to please and not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings at your own expense. BUT YOU ARE A PERSON TOO! I had to realize this as well. As long as I could not confront people when they hurt my feelings, I could not get better emotionally myself. The first step is a big one...Realize you are hurting yourself. You can confront! Start with the small things! When that gets easier, do more. (Bigger rhings)! Your hubby may not like the new you but you will be stronger and SKINNY!!! Think positive honey! You can do it! NOW I think it's sort of fun getting MY WAY once in a while! Snort...snort!!!

You will have set-backs as well. But don't let them hurt you. Remember you are a person too!

2. kathygator
Dec 19 2006 13:48

It started when I was a kid. I wanted to please the people I love and avoid their anger, because, at some level I feared they would reject me. I ate and binged to overcome the fear that I had buried inside me. Then, by allowing myself to become overweight, my physical hunger and need for food became part of the problem.

I came to resent my husband, defensive as I was about my appearance, because it was easier to blame him than take responsibility for myself. I harbored rage, heaped it on top of the fear.

Then I figured something out. I was hurting the people I loved most with my negativity. I was making their lives less happy, not more so. I stopped blaming everyone for my trouble and started simply trying to make the world a better place for the people I loved. Still get angry, but I have learned to admit it, to say 'I am angry now and want to overcome it so that I can tell you why I am hurting'.

3. deniserice
Dec 20 2006 01:39

It is like you don't have the right or are entitled to speak your mind or have an opinion. You do!!!! If you don't like what's going on....say so!!!! You have that right!!!! And some people aren't even entitled to your approval!!! They have to earn it. I tell the kids at school...."If you don't really like or respect that person, if you don't agree with how they act or what they do...why should you care about what they think about you?" You must realize that you deserve love and respect!!! You are a good person, and you must demand that people treat you that way. You teach others how to treat by how you react to the treatment. If you allow them to wipe their feet on you, you will be their doormat. If they know that Chelle won't put up with a certain behavior, they'll stop that behavior or Chelle will let you know about it.

I don't know if I'm as clear as mud. But I think you need to get that anger or frustration out instead of letting it eat you up and in-turn you eat to soothe the hurt.

Hang in there sweetie.....stepping down from soapbox now.

My husband was looking at an old picture of the fat Denise and had the nerve to say that the girl in the picture was nicer. Okay...whatever!!! If standing up for myself makes me mean....so be it, I'm mean. Try it Chelle. It will make you feel so much better and in turn help you take control over other issues such as your weight.

4. willowraven
Dec 20 2006 19:58

Thank you everyone. I know I need to stand up for myself - just so...afraid? scared? conditioned? brainwashed? ..... into thinking it's not my place or right and that's something that I am going to have to work at overcoming.

Denise and coffee, you're right. My therapist back in MA told me that I *am* worthy and was working with me to stand up for myself, and we were working on cognitive thinking to stop the negative thoughts in me from taking their hold and doing more damage. It's hard to undo so many years of 'junk'. With therapy, it took me about 2-3 years before I could get the nerve to just walk away when my mom would verbally and psychologically abuse me. I was in my mid to late 30's. I was in a toxic relationship with her and the father of my children, so I was getting a double whammy. The 1-hour appointments were my salvation, like an oasis among all the chaos, frustration, hurt, disappointment, rage and other feelings I was having and not allowed to express. I shoved them all down with food just so I could continue, so I could be there to be a mother to my children.

Kathy, I'm feeling that way now towards Wes in regards to some aspects of our relationship. I will give him credit, it's not about our whole relationship, just specific things. However, just like you saying, I am already carrying a pretty big wedge of resentment in regards to these issues and each time something connected with them comes up, it just makes the wedge that much bigger. And it's not that I haven't tried to say something before. It just seems to go in one ear and out the other, or I get excuses, or some sort of patronizing response, or whatever. Gets tiring after a while and I end up thinking "Why bother?" and then I just add a little more to the resentment wedge. :: sigh :: Thank you though. What you said made a lot of sense. Maybe I just need to keep repeating myself til I'm finally 'heard'.

Thank you for the kick in the butt that I sorely needed. I guess I just need to be reminded every once in a while that I count too. I just wish that I could FEEL that I counted. When does that start happening?

5. deniserice
Dec 21 2006 01:13

I think you start by looking at yourself and listing all your positive traits....the things you do well, what you are good at, what you have accomplished. Look at the difficult situations you have gone through and survived. Appreciated yourself and the person you have become through all the crap you have lived through.

Let me ask you a question....."Whose says that your mom knows all and is 100% correct in everything she says or does?" In my job I work with so many children who have been hurt emotionally by their parents. Sometimes by what they have said to their children or by how they have withdrew their love. What is sad is that the kids blame themselves for their parents' shortcomings. Here I go again.... but I tell them that just because their parents are the Mom and Dad, that doesn't mean they know all or have everything figured out. I tell them that sometimes Moms and Dads act like children. Case in point....the children's parents have split-up....dad is acting irrational towards the mom and the kids are afraid that he is going to hurt her. When he comes to their new apartment...he is ranting and raving and the kids won't unlock the door. They are afraid for their mom and he, in his irrational thinking, believes that his kids have taken her side. The dad gets his feelings hurt and vows to never speak to his kids again. Now, who is acting like the child?....the dad and he really is having the feelings of a child being shunned by his own children. For years he had no contact with them....he's hurt and the kids are too because they think that he doesn't love them and doesn't want to see them.....What a mess!!!! You know, if we could all look at each other as children in grown-up bodies, we might realize that others have problems or baggage from their childhood. It stays with us our entire life. But, if we can understand where these feelings are coming from...what event caused these feelings...we can then move on. The one thing that I have learned is....I have no control over what others feel...just my own feelings. If I had control over others....things would be a whole lot different.

Remember that you are important to yourself....Love yourself and demand other either treat you with the respect you deserve or they can just shut-up!!!! Take care of your body...it deserves it too!!!

By the way....when I stood up to my mother the first time, you could have knocked her over with a feather. But I sent the message that I cared enough about myself to not allow her to bully me. It felt soooooooooooo good!!!

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