Chelle 42 yr old Pagan Witch, mom of 4, living in the MidWest
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Trudging AlongMay 01 2007 16:49
Well, received a phone call from the endocrinologist's office. All my tests finally came back and all the results came back fine except that it shows I do have a very mild form of diabetes, and they are going to put me on Byetta, and I am to go to a class on May 16th to learn how to use it. (I'm not suppose to start using it until I have gone to the class.) Again he stated he wanted me on a 1200 calories OR LESS diet and I told the nurse that I had been doing that since I saw him and have already *gained* 7 pounds. She seemed quite shocked and said that I must have a body like hers that "just doesn't want to leave a certain weight" and that it will eventually start losing weight, to just keep at it. (I swear to the Goddess these people really think I'm eating non-stop or something.) She said that he wants me to keep a food diary - told her I had been doing that all along - and he wants me to continue even when I'm taking the Byetta. (Silently, I'm wondering to myself why bother, since he tossed the last one aside and didn't seem to think that what I wrote was the truth anyways... what's gonna have him thinking differently the next time?) She also said he wants me to "decrease my caloric intake for breakfast and dinner". Ok, considering he barely glanced at my food log about 2 weeks ago, how does he know or remember how much I averaged during those meals? For example, my breakfast today was 268 calories. How much lower is one suppose to go?? However, the one upside to this is now that I have a diagnosis of diabetes, the insurance company will now pay for me to see the nutritionist. I called the nutritionist's office, explained the new development and they told me what to do. So tomorrow (since it's too late now - will have to do it when the offices are open) I will call my regular doctor, tell him what's going on (and talk to him about my concerns over the 1200 calorie diet) and take it from there. It shouldn't be too difficult - he just has to get the results and diagnosis from the endocrinologist, and then he can get a re-referral for the nutritionist and then I should be able to start seeing her again.
Went to the gym today as well and got 60 minutes in (35 on weight resistance, 25 on the treadmill). Even added a new resistance machine to my routine, and got myself back up to the 25 minutes on the treadmill. (I had fallen to 15 minutes after being sick and stuff, so felt good to be back up to where I was.) Oddly enough, my husband talked to the trainer about my question about the measurements (he said that unless there is a big difference between the right and left sides, that normally you can just use one side's measurements for both) and he also told him about how well I have done so far (the trainer thought I was doing great!) and about what the endocrinologist stated about 1200 calories and even the trainer said straight out "No. That is way too low for her. It's too much of a decrease. She should be around 1800." First, I was glad to hear a trainer NOT advocate a VLCD and second, that even he felt that 1200 was too much of a difference. I have also been printing out articles and such that state the dangers of a VLCD. I mean, I have no problems following doctor's advice - if it is sound or they can show me it is sound. I have not found anything recent to show that 1200 or less is sound. Even the nutritionist said that 1200 is too low and would only be recommended nowadays if the patient was admitted in to the hospital and under observation. So what gives?
OK. No more getting "in to" it. Just gonna do it day by day which is all I can do. I can't really do more than I already am, and if he (the endo. doctor) isn't gonna believe me, then to heck with him. *I* know the truth.
Hope you all have a great day/night.
Went to the gym today as well and got 60 minutes in (35 on weight resistance, 25 on the treadmill). Even added a new resistance machine to my routine, and got myself back up to the 25 minutes on the treadmill. (I had fallen to 15 minutes after being sick and stuff, so felt good to be back up to where I was.) Oddly enough, my husband talked to the trainer about my question about the measurements (he said that unless there is a big difference between the right and left sides, that normally you can just use one side's measurements for both) and he also told him about how well I have done so far (the trainer thought I was doing great!) and about what the endocrinologist stated about 1200 calories and even the trainer said straight out "No. That is way too low for her. It's too much of a decrease. She should be around 1800." First, I was glad to hear a trainer NOT advocate a VLCD and second, that even he felt that 1200 was too much of a difference. I have also been printing out articles and such that state the dangers of a VLCD. I mean, I have no problems following doctor's advice - if it is sound or they can show me it is sound. I have not found anything recent to show that 1200 or less is sound. Even the nutritionist said that 1200 is too low and would only be recommended nowadays if the patient was admitted in to the hospital and under observation. So what gives?
OK. No more getting "in to" it. Just gonna do it day by day which is all I can do. I can't really do more than I already am, and if he (the endo. doctor) isn't gonna believe me, then to heck with him. *I* know the truth.
Hope you all have a great day/night.
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My ChallengesMay 01 2007 01:08
Well I signed up for:
May 2007 Water Challenge: 64 oz/day which comes to 448 oz/week (*)
May 2007 Exercise Challenge: 750 minutes for the month (*)
Part 3 Biggest Loser Challenge: Team 1 (yay team!!)
(*) tickers on profile page for these
Also ongoing:
100+ to lose Paperclip Challenge (thanks to our own United!!)
Gotta keep myself motivated!!
May 2007 Water Challenge: 64 oz/day which comes to 448 oz/week (*)
May 2007 Exercise Challenge: 750 minutes for the month (*)
Part 3 Biggest Loser Challenge: Team 1 (yay team!!)
(*) tickers on profile page for these
Also ongoing:
100+ to lose Paperclip Challenge (thanks to our own United!!)
Gotta keep myself motivated!!
5 Comments | Add Comment
My Little ExperimentApr 29 2007 23:50
Well, since the 17th of April, when I saw the endocrinologist, I have done a little experiment. I have been doing my best to keep to 1200 calories a day (and only 2 days have been around 1500-1600 -- the rest have all been around 1200). I have recorded everything, including my waters, and keeping a copy of my food, activity and nutritional report on a Word document to be printed to bring to him next time I see him. Since the 17th, following the 1200 calorie/day diet, I have managed to *gain* 7 pounds. It seems to me, that the 1200 calorie/day diet is not the one I need, and contrary to the doctor's belief, is NOT going to help me lose the weight. I did much better following 1700-2100 calories/day (zig-zagging). Not to mention, my cravings and desire to binge increased incredibly following the 1200 calorie/day diet. I have not had a serious binge in quite a few months (I think 1 or 2 that I recall since starting the diet in Sept 2006, and those were after days I was around 1300 calories), so I'm really thinking that my body, because it has gotten more used to 1700-2100 calories being "ok", that it's seeing the 1200 calories as starving, so instead of losing weight on it, I'm gaining it because it's holding on to it, like it would in starvation mode. Does that make sense?
So Wes and I discussed tonite, since I had been sick for the last 2.5 weeks and not able to get to the gym (hard to do a treadmill when you pass out because you can't breathe from the congestion!) that I'm going back to the 1700-1800 calories/day (because I do agree with the nutritionist about the 1700-2100 being too big a gap and that maybe it was seeing the lower end of it like a starvation mode) and that we are getting back into the every-other-day gym routine (even got my new sneakers last week!) and getting back up to the 10-12 glasses of water a day that I used to be at (you know, being sick really messed me up a LOT). I just said to Wes a little while ago that I wonder if the not going to the gym every other day like we used to, and me falling behind on my waters was really affecting my results as much as they were/are and he guesses that it probably was/is.
So it's back to the drawing board. And I started a blog at blogger.com where I will be posting my food diary info, for anyone that is interested. Might help me with the accountability too.
I hope everyone else is doing well and had a great weekend.
So Wes and I discussed tonite, since I had been sick for the last 2.5 weeks and not able to get to the gym (hard to do a treadmill when you pass out because you can't breathe from the congestion!) that I'm going back to the 1700-1800 calories/day (because I do agree with the nutritionist about the 1700-2100 being too big a gap and that maybe it was seeing the lower end of it like a starvation mode) and that we are getting back into the every-other-day gym routine (even got my new sneakers last week!) and getting back up to the 10-12 glasses of water a day that I used to be at (you know, being sick really messed me up a LOT). I just said to Wes a little while ago that I wonder if the not going to the gym every other day like we used to, and me falling behind on my waters was really affecting my results as much as they were/are and he guesses that it probably was/is.
So it's back to the drawing board. And I started a blog at blogger.com where I will be posting my food diary info, for anyone that is interested. Might help me with the accountability too.
I hope everyone else is doing well and had a great weekend.
3 Comments | Add Comment
Measurements for April 27, 2007Apr 27 2007 16:54
I realized I haven't done this in a while, so figured I would do them:
9/18 9/27 10/23 11/25 12/15 4/27
Neck: 16 1/2" 16 16 16 16 15 1/2
L Upper Arm 24" 23 23 3/4 22 1/8 22 21 1/2
R Upper Arm ------ ----- ----- ----- ---- 20 1/2
L Forearm 13" 13 1/4 13 13 1/2 13 1/8 13
R Forearm ----- ----- ------ ------ ----- 13
L Wrist 7 1/4" 7 3/8" 7 1/2" 7 1/2 7 1/2 7 3/8
R Wrist ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- 7
Chest 63 3/4" 64 62 1/2 62 1/2 61 1/2 61 1/4
Cup Size DD DD DD DD DD DD
Waist 58 3/8" 57 3/4" 58 1/2" 56 3/4 56 55 1/8
Hips 72 1/2" 71 1/2" 71 1/4" 69 3/4 70 3/4 69
L Thigh 36 1/8" 34 3/8 36 36 36 34 3/4
R Thigh ------ ----- ------ ---- ---- 36
L Calf 23 1/2 24 22 23 5/8 23 1/2 21 1/2
R Calf ---- ---- ------ ------ ---- 21
L Ankle 11 1/2" 11 3/8 11 10 5/8 11 10 1/2
L Upper Arm 24" 23 23 3/4 22 1/8 22 21 1/2
R Upper Arm ------ ----- ----- ----- ---- 20 1/2
L Forearm 13" 13 1/4 13 13 1/2 13 1/8 13
R Forearm ----- ----- ------ ------ ----- 13
L Wrist 7 1/4" 7 3/8" 7 1/2" 7 1/2 7 1/2 7 3/8
R Wrist ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- 7
Chest 63 3/4" 64 62 1/2 62 1/2 61 1/2 61 1/4
Cup Size DD DD DD DD DD DD
Waist 58 3/8" 57 3/4" 58 1/2" 56 3/4 56 55 1/8
Hips 72 1/2" 71 1/2" 71 1/4" 69 3/4 70 3/4 69
L Thigh 36 1/8" 34 3/8 36 36 36 34 3/4
R Thigh ------ ----- ------ ---- ---- 36
L Calf 23 1/2 24 22 23 5/8 23 1/2 21 1/2
R Calf ---- ---- ------ ------ ---- 21
L Ankle 11 1/2" 11 3/8 11 10 5/8 11 10 1/2
I was only taking measurements for my left side, none for right. So starting today, will also do the right side, individually.
Total inches lost from start: -17"
Total inches lost since last measurement: -7 7/8"
Weight showing on scale: 383.00 (4/25/07)
Wow.... it sure doesn't seem/feel it. My clothes are a tad looser, but I'm no where near dropping to the next smaller size. It's going to take a lot more before I can start seeing smaller sized clothes. But seeing it like this makes me realize I'm making progress, however I kinda hoped (deep down) I'd have progressed a bit more at this point - 8 months later. Considering it's been 4 months since my last measurements, you would think it would have been a bigger difference.
Total inches lost since last measurement: -7 7/8"
Weight showing on scale: 383.00 (4/25/07)
Wow.... it sure doesn't seem/feel it. My clothes are a tad looser, but I'm no where near dropping to the next smaller size. It's going to take a lot more before I can start seeing smaller sized clothes. But seeing it like this makes me realize I'm making progress, however I kinda hoped (deep down) I'd have progressed a bit more at this point - 8 months later. Considering it's been 4 months since my last measurements, you would think it would have been a bigger difference.
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No More Nutritionist ::frowns::Apr 27 2007 08:17
Well, got a phone call yesterday around 5 PM from the secretary for my nutritionist with some bad news. Even though I received a referral for the nutritionist from my insurance company, they will not cover the appointments. If I had a diagnosis of diabetes or renal failure then they would have covered it. And unfortunately, at $140 per visit, I am unable to continue seeing her. I feel like just another obstacle to have to figure out how to jump over, go around, dig under (whatever). I did ask her to please let me know if things change and that they are able to see me - she said she is taking a list of names of the people that she's had to call (she stressed that there are several that she's had to call with the same news). She felt really bad - and it's not her or the nutritionist's fault. As it stands now, I will be owing them $140 for the one appointment, about 3 weeks ago. She said that, given the circumstances (that we were under the impression the insurance would be covering it) that the office will be working with those affected with payment plans to take care of the uncovered charges, so that's a little relief. It just doesn't make sense. They don't cover "obesity" as a diagnosis to see a nutritionist? How messed up is that?
Anyways, got a few things to do before waking up Wes, and then have to get Becka at school around 10:30 as she has a dental appointment. She has another broken molar and I was able to get her in today, so off we go! It's always something, huh?
Anyways, got a few things to do before waking up Wes, and then have to get Becka at school around 10:30 as she has a dental appointment. She has another broken molar and I was able to get her in today, so off we go! It's always something, huh?
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The AppointmentsApr 18 2007 07:40
I am so tired. Have only had about 2 hours of sleep, so I'm writing this, then crawling back into bed.
I went to the nutritionist appointment on April 12th. Overall I would say it was a good appointment, though there were some things I wasn't too happy with. First off, she said that she felt my 1700-2100 calorie allowance for the day was too high and said that was probably why I wasn't able to either lose weight or maintain the loss I've had. She originally had suggested I go down to 1200 calories, but we agreed (compromised?) on a 1700-1800 calories/day diet. I told her I was using the USDA Food Pyramid:
as my guide for the diet (that it wasn't a set diet like Atkins or Weight Watchers) and she felt that was fine - she didn't have any problems with it. I told her that after a while the food got boring, that I needed some variety (keeping in mind that my budget is limited and had to keep within what we could afford) and she gave me some booklets with various recipes. Some look really good too - told Wes we gotta try them. :) I had printed out my weight log, activity log and food log from here from the day I started to about a month ago because I wanted to show my regular doctor. I had also shown them to the nutritionist, who made copies of them for my files. She felt that my exercise routine was excellent and to continue doing it and that my combination of cardio and weight resistance was the correct thing to do. We discussed starvation mode as well as the whole 'thrifty gene' belief, and the fact that, growing up, I did a lot of yo-yo dieting and she had a theory that maybe now that my body has gotten sort of used to the less amount of calories (vs what I used to have before dieting), that it is seeing my new calorie span of 1700-2100 as the new 'set point' for yo-yoing, and that when I have 1700 calories, it sees me as 'starving' (even though I'm not) so when I have the higher calories, it is holding on to it like a body would do when going below and above 1200 calories over an extended period of time - which is how we came upon trying to keep around 1700-1800 calories. I admit though, the way she explained it, it made sense. Overall, I came out of the appointment feeling a bit hopeful. She wants me to continue keeping a food log/journal - which I have started back doing. I go back May 5th.
My appointment with the endocrinologist was yesterday. And he made me a total wreck. Wes went with me in to the appointment - my request as he lives with me and I want him aware of what is going on and being discussed (he also was there during the nutritionist appointment). I told the Dr. about all the symptoms I have, about the blood tests my regular doctor took for my thyroid, my past medical history, etc. I showed him the logs I had printed out as well as my gym routine (what I do and how much, including the weight amounts on the resistance machines) - he seemed quite unimpressed. Took a look at a few of the food log pages - without looking at the activity logs - and told me that my calories were too high, that the only way I would lose weight is going to 1200 calories OR LESS. He pretty much had looked at me as someone who was just 'fat' with no control and needed to "just eat less". He had NOTHING to say about the fact I've been going to the gym, or doing 8-12 glasses of water a day or the fact that, despite dieting and water and exercise, I had GAINED 11 lbs in the matter of a week! He pretty much appeased me by ordering the bloodwork for my thyroid and other metabolic tests, but kept stressing that he really felt that the answer was a 1200 calorie diet and that most nutritionists are 'afraid of being honest with their patients' about restricting diets to 1200 calories. What really drew up a red flag was him saying "or less". When I told him about the BMR calculator and what it had determined my BMR is/was and what I should be taking in for calories to both maintain my current weight and what I needed to take in to lose 1-2 lbs safely per week, he told me that either the calculator was wrong, or the calculations (math) was wrong, but either way I needed to go to 1200 calories or I would not lose the weight. By the time I walked out of the office (they drew 7 vials of blood at the lab thats on-site ... the doctor said they would call me with the results and he wants me to keep a food log as well), I felt defeated, depressed, hopeless...like everything I'm doing is for NOTHING. Talk about futility. I felt like I used to feel - like food and my body are the enemy, and that being thinner and 'normal weighted' is some sort of goal I'll never be able to achieve. I feel like, somehow or for whatever reason, this fat is some sort of punishment for some wrong-doing in my life (or lives). By the time we got home, I was holding it in, trying not to cry. I went to the bathroom and couldn't hold it in anymore and started crying. Since then I have been fluctuating between mad at the doctor for being so uninformed and suggesting something so drastic, to being depressed and upset and defeated and feeling hopeless, to being ready to call it quits with everything... I did my food journal for yesterday and despite only having 3 meals and small, low-fat snacks I went over 2500 calories. Go flippin' figure.
So, just now, I calculated my BMR based on my current weight (here). According to the calculations, my BMR is 2878 and my RMR is 2818 for a sedentary lifestyle. So, if I was to do a deficit of 500 calories/day for a 1 lb/week weight loss, I would want to take in approximately 2300 calories/day, net --- right? Am I still on track with the understanding of how it's *suppose* to work? And that you shouldn't have more than a 750 deficit per day? However even if I did a 1000 calorie/day deficit, I'd still be around 1800 calories/day -- correct? That would give me about a 2 lbs/week loss, if my math is still right on all of this. Wouldn't dropping to 1200 calories be too much of a deficit? Or am I just totally wrong and the nutritionist and endocrinologist are right to drop me right to 1200? And if I'm right, then how do I get *them* to understand it, and take me and my concerns, seriously? One thing I'm concerned about is, when I get to goal (which is a long way off), how am I going to get my body to accept whatever the 'normal' calorie amount is for that weight, and do it without gaining the weight back? How is my body going to know that I am doing losing - 1200 seems to be that 'cut off' point, and such a precarious line to be near. If I cut my calories to 1200 and on the days I go to the gym and burn 300 calories, I'm going to be dropping my net calories for the day to about 900. However both doctors aren't comparing the food logs with the activity logs and noting that days I had higher calories were also days (usually) I had the gym and/or other activities burning off those 'excess' calories. So I'm screwed either way. ::sigh::
Last night (actually early this AM) as Wes and I were getting in to bed, I was feeling the whole depressed-defeated-hopeless again and I swear, I'm trying not to dwell on it but it's hard when you feel like everything you've done for the last several months is for naught .... and I told him that all I've ever wanted was to be normal, normal-weighted. That I have been enemies with my body and with food my whole life, and I hate it, and that I would pretty much give my soul for the next few lifetimes to be normal-weighted. And I'm not even talking rail thin. I'm just talking what is considered normal weight for someone my age, height and body build (which is about 135ish lbs). Hell, at this point, I'd even be happy to get to my pre-pregnancy weight of 160ish lbs (which was a size 14 on me). I'm tired of feeling like a prisoner in my body. He's like "what do you want me to say?" I said "nothing - I'm not expecting or asking you to say or do anything"... and then I apologized and said I was done, not gonna mention it anymore. Before he fell asleep, he gave me a hug and said "let's just wait and see what the tests show" because even he feels that something has to be wrong because 95% of the time I'm doing everything right and I shouldn't be struggling *this* much.
OK... rambled long enough. It is 8:52 AM and I'm crawling back in to bed.
I hope you all have a wonderful day. ::hugs:: to you all.
I went to the nutritionist appointment on April 12th. Overall I would say it was a good appointment, though there were some things I wasn't too happy with. First off, she said that she felt my 1700-2100 calorie allowance for the day was too high and said that was probably why I wasn't able to either lose weight or maintain the loss I've had. She originally had suggested I go down to 1200 calories, but we agreed (compromised?) on a 1700-1800 calories/day diet. I told her I was using the USDA Food Pyramid:
as my guide for the diet (that it wasn't a set diet like Atkins or Weight Watchers) and she felt that was fine - she didn't have any problems with it. I told her that after a while the food got boring, that I needed some variety (keeping in mind that my budget is limited and had to keep within what we could afford) and she gave me some booklets with various recipes. Some look really good too - told Wes we gotta try them. :) I had printed out my weight log, activity log and food log from here from the day I started to about a month ago because I wanted to show my regular doctor. I had also shown them to the nutritionist, who made copies of them for my files. She felt that my exercise routine was excellent and to continue doing it and that my combination of cardio and weight resistance was the correct thing to do. We discussed starvation mode as well as the whole 'thrifty gene' belief, and the fact that, growing up, I did a lot of yo-yo dieting and she had a theory that maybe now that my body has gotten sort of used to the less amount of calories (vs what I used to have before dieting), that it is seeing my new calorie span of 1700-2100 as the new 'set point' for yo-yoing, and that when I have 1700 calories, it sees me as 'starving' (even though I'm not) so when I have the higher calories, it is holding on to it like a body would do when going below and above 1200 calories over an extended period of time - which is how we came upon trying to keep around 1700-1800 calories. I admit though, the way she explained it, it made sense. Overall, I came out of the appointment feeling a bit hopeful. She wants me to continue keeping a food log/journal - which I have started back doing. I go back May 5th.
My appointment with the endocrinologist was yesterday. And he made me a total wreck. Wes went with me in to the appointment - my request as he lives with me and I want him aware of what is going on and being discussed (he also was there during the nutritionist appointment). I told the Dr. about all the symptoms I have, about the blood tests my regular doctor took for my thyroid, my past medical history, etc. I showed him the logs I had printed out as well as my gym routine (what I do and how much, including the weight amounts on the resistance machines) - he seemed quite unimpressed. Took a look at a few of the food log pages - without looking at the activity logs - and told me that my calories were too high, that the only way I would lose weight is going to 1200 calories OR LESS. He pretty much had looked at me as someone who was just 'fat' with no control and needed to "just eat less". He had NOTHING to say about the fact I've been going to the gym, or doing 8-12 glasses of water a day or the fact that, despite dieting and water and exercise, I had GAINED 11 lbs in the matter of a week! He pretty much appeased me by ordering the bloodwork for my thyroid and other metabolic tests, but kept stressing that he really felt that the answer was a 1200 calorie diet and that most nutritionists are 'afraid of being honest with their patients' about restricting diets to 1200 calories. What really drew up a red flag was him saying "or less". When I told him about the BMR calculator and what it had determined my BMR is/was and what I should be taking in for calories to both maintain my current weight and what I needed to take in to lose 1-2 lbs safely per week, he told me that either the calculator was wrong, or the calculations (math) was wrong, but either way I needed to go to 1200 calories or I would not lose the weight. By the time I walked out of the office (they drew 7 vials of blood at the lab thats on-site ... the doctor said they would call me with the results and he wants me to keep a food log as well), I felt defeated, depressed, hopeless...like everything I'm doing is for NOTHING. Talk about futility. I felt like I used to feel - like food and my body are the enemy, and that being thinner and 'normal weighted' is some sort of goal I'll never be able to achieve. I feel like, somehow or for whatever reason, this fat is some sort of punishment for some wrong-doing in my life (or lives). By the time we got home, I was holding it in, trying not to cry. I went to the bathroom and couldn't hold it in anymore and started crying. Since then I have been fluctuating between mad at the doctor for being so uninformed and suggesting something so drastic, to being depressed and upset and defeated and feeling hopeless, to being ready to call it quits with everything... I did my food journal for yesterday and despite only having 3 meals and small, low-fat snacks I went over 2500 calories. Go flippin' figure.
So, just now, I calculated my BMR based on my current weight (here). According to the calculations, my BMR is 2878 and my RMR is 2818 for a sedentary lifestyle. So, if I was to do a deficit of 500 calories/day for a 1 lb/week weight loss, I would want to take in approximately 2300 calories/day, net --- right? Am I still on track with the understanding of how it's *suppose* to work? And that you shouldn't have more than a 750 deficit per day? However even if I did a 1000 calorie/day deficit, I'd still be around 1800 calories/day -- correct? That would give me about a 2 lbs/week loss, if my math is still right on all of this. Wouldn't dropping to 1200 calories be too much of a deficit? Or am I just totally wrong and the nutritionist and endocrinologist are right to drop me right to 1200? And if I'm right, then how do I get *them* to understand it, and take me and my concerns, seriously? One thing I'm concerned about is, when I get to goal (which is a long way off), how am I going to get my body to accept whatever the 'normal' calorie amount is for that weight, and do it without gaining the weight back? How is my body going to know that I am doing losing - 1200 seems to be that 'cut off' point, and such a precarious line to be near. If I cut my calories to 1200 and on the days I go to the gym and burn 300 calories, I'm going to be dropping my net calories for the day to about 900. However both doctors aren't comparing the food logs with the activity logs and noting that days I had higher calories were also days (usually) I had the gym and/or other activities burning off those 'excess' calories. So I'm screwed either way. ::sigh::
Last night (actually early this AM) as Wes and I were getting in to bed, I was feeling the whole depressed-defeated-hopeless again and I swear, I'm trying not to dwell on it but it's hard when you feel like everything you've done for the last several months is for naught .... and I told him that all I've ever wanted was to be normal, normal-weighted. That I have been enemies with my body and with food my whole life, and I hate it, and that I would pretty much give my soul for the next few lifetimes to be normal-weighted. And I'm not even talking rail thin. I'm just talking what is considered normal weight for someone my age, height and body build (which is about 135ish lbs). Hell, at this point, I'd even be happy to get to my pre-pregnancy weight of 160ish lbs (which was a size 14 on me). I'm tired of feeling like a prisoner in my body. He's like "what do you want me to say?" I said "nothing - I'm not expecting or asking you to say or do anything"... and then I apologized and said I was done, not gonna mention it anymore. Before he fell asleep, he gave me a hug and said "let's just wait and see what the tests show" because even he feels that something has to be wrong because 95% of the time I'm doing everything right and I shouldn't be struggling *this* much.
OK... rambled long enough. It is 8:52 AM and I'm crawling back in to bed.
I hope you all have a wonderful day. ::hugs:: to you all.
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My momApr 03 2007 19:53
Just got a call a couple of hours ago from the funeral director in Wareham (MA) that handled my father's arrangements back in September 2002, and who was also in charge of my (adopted) mother's arrangements. He told me that my mother passed away today at 4 AM due to acute respiratory failure, pneumonia and pulmonary heart disease. Last time I spoke to her was about a week ago. She and I had a very strained relationship for the last several years but I, in no way, hated her. I didn't like some of the things she said and did, but I did not hate her.
My son seems to be o.k. so far. My daughter is not taking it to well. I went in to the room and talked with her for a while. She pretty much just wants to be left alone.
I am not sure how I am or anything. I'm just sort of numb and "here".
My son seems to be o.k. so far. My daughter is not taking it to well. I went in to the room and talked with her for a while. She pretty much just wants to be left alone.
I am not sure how I am or anything. I'm just sort of numb and "here".
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Happy Birthday JoshuaApr 02 2007 13:13
Today is my youngest child's birthday. Joshua turns 5 today!
It's so hard to believe that he is already 5! I miss him so much. He is back in Massachusetts with his dad and older brother, Gabriel (age 9 - will turn 10 in May). I haven't seen Josh and Gabriel since I left in October 2003 and it breaks my heart. Josh should be entering kindergarten in the fall, and Gabriel will be in 4th grade. Time sure does fly.
Ren Faire was fun yesterday. We walked around for about 2.5 hours (and of COURSE I logged in all that walking time!). Wes and I had been looking for matching (wedding) bands - celtic knot style. The difficulty was because he has such large fingers (and mine aren't too small either) - so finding ones in our sizes that matched proved to be a challenge. However, yesterday at the Faire we managed to find matching bands in both sizes for under $30 each, so we got them! I was going to get a small token to represent my 33 lb loss, however finding the bands (after looking for more than 3 years) was a bit more important. We didn't know when this would happen again. I figured I can wait til next month as I may have hit the "40 lb loss" mark at that point, and just get a small token for that.
I go to my doctor today for a follow up appointment and don't you know it my weight bounced back into the 380's - DAMN*. I really don't remember WHY I'm going. (LOL) He had me take the antibodies test (blood) last time and I never got the results back, so makes me wonder if something came up? I found some information online showing that the guidelines to the TSH tests (thyroid) had changed, making my results now in the abnormal range, instead of normal. If you have a 1-2 reading, you are normal (the old guideline was 1-4). Anything over is now considered "abnormal" and if I recall correctly, mine was a 3.2. Thanks to my sister for that bit of information.
I got my referral for the nutritionist last week and finally got through to the person at the office and made the appointment. I go on April 12th at 3:30 PM. I am hoping that s/he can help 'tweak' what I'm doing, maybe point out some things that maybe I'm doing wrong and missing, etc.
Not much else going on. Wes has to go in about 30 minutes to go get Becka from school and then need to take showers to get ready to go around 3/3:15 for the appointment. (It's only about a 15 minute drive from the house.) Hope you all have a great day. Take care and ::hugs::
It's so hard to believe that he is already 5! I miss him so much. He is back in Massachusetts with his dad and older brother, Gabriel (age 9 - will turn 10 in May). I haven't seen Josh and Gabriel since I left in October 2003 and it breaks my heart. Josh should be entering kindergarten in the fall, and Gabriel will be in 4th grade. Time sure does fly.
Ren Faire was fun yesterday. We walked around for about 2.5 hours (and of COURSE I logged in all that walking time!). Wes and I had been looking for matching (wedding) bands - celtic knot style. The difficulty was because he has such large fingers (and mine aren't too small either) - so finding ones in our sizes that matched proved to be a challenge. However, yesterday at the Faire we managed to find matching bands in both sizes for under $30 each, so we got them! I was going to get a small token to represent my 33 lb loss, however finding the bands (after looking for more than 3 years) was a bit more important. We didn't know when this would happen again. I figured I can wait til next month as I may have hit the "40 lb loss" mark at that point, and just get a small token for that.
I go to my doctor today for a follow up appointment and don't you know it my weight bounced back into the 380's - DAMN*. I really don't remember WHY I'm going. (LOL) He had me take the antibodies test (blood) last time and I never got the results back, so makes me wonder if something came up? I found some information online showing that the guidelines to the TSH tests (thyroid) had changed, making my results now in the abnormal range, instead of normal. If you have a 1-2 reading, you are normal (the old guideline was 1-4). Anything over is now considered "abnormal" and if I recall correctly, mine was a 3.2. Thanks to my sister for that bit of information.
I got my referral for the nutritionist last week and finally got through to the person at the office and made the appointment. I go on April 12th at 3:30 PM. I am hoping that s/he can help 'tweak' what I'm doing, maybe point out some things that maybe I'm doing wrong and missing, etc.
Not much else going on. Wes has to go in about 30 minutes to go get Becka from school and then need to take showers to get ready to go around 3/3:15 for the appointment. (It's only about a 15 minute drive from the house.) Hope you all have a great day. Take care and ::hugs::
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Ren Faire and New WeightApr 01 2007 14:06
This is just a short entry - we're heading out to the Ren Faire in Edmond*, OK - we're meeting up with Wes' sister and her boyfriend so we're leaving in about 30 minutes. It was rained out on Friday and we didn't get there yesterday and today is the last day. We really enjoy going and we went last year. So we are heading off there - and will get some walking in today (woo hoo - so there is my exercise for the day....LOL)
I'm also in another weight level - weighed myself when I got up and am now in the 370's -- I am now 379.6 which makes my total weight loss up to 33.4 lbs (for some reason the home page is showing 32.4 lbs, not sure why, but I just double checked it on the calculator and it comes to 33.4, so I'm sticking with it. LOL)
Anyways, gotta go get ready. I'm in a good mood (having some 1-on-1 time with Wes before getting up for the day helped that a lot too ::WEG::). Hope you are all having a good weekend. Take care and ::hugs::
*CORRECTION: Faire was in Norman, OK (not Edmond) - have been here 3.5 years and still can't find my way around the state!!
I'm also in another weight level - weighed myself when I got up and am now in the 370's -- I am now 379.6 which makes my total weight loss up to 33.4 lbs (for some reason the home page is showing 32.4 lbs, not sure why, but I just double checked it on the calculator and it comes to 33.4, so I'm sticking with it. LOL)
Anyways, gotta go get ready. I'm in a good mood (having some 1-on-1 time with Wes before getting up for the day helped that a lot too ::WEG::). Hope you are all having a good weekend. Take care and ::hugs::
*CORRECTION: Faire was in Norman, OK (not Edmond) - have been here 3.5 years and still can't find my way around the state!!
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Happy Birthday Becka!Mar 28 2007 19:16
Well, today is my daughter's 13th b'day!!!
I am kinda surprised she has made it this far as her attitude for the last year has been a bit "much". However, we are working on it, so hoping it improves soon.
Today we went to go pick up her cake from the local super Wal-Mart. Well, they didn't have the cake ready and they couldn't even find the order. I talked to the manager who called another of the local super Wal-Mart's (thinking maybe we mixed up the 2 stores) and they didn't have it ready or an order for it either. Now mind you we put in the order about 2 weeks ago. So after talking back and forth with the Bakery Asst. Manager, she put in an order for the cake at the other Wal-Mart (the decorator wasn't in at the one we were at) and was told it would be ready when we got there - that the decorator would work on it "right away". While I was paying for the other items at Wal-Mart #1 (making daughter one of her fave meals for dinner for her b'day), Wes went up to the front to talk to the Bakery Asst Manager about the mess-up. Long story short, she said to bring in the receipt from the cake that we are getting from Wal-Mart #2 and she would reimburse us, since someone, somewhere, messed up the cake order. Now, the cake was suppose to be ready for pickup after 2 PM (we were going to get Becka from school and then go get the cake) - by the time we get to store #2, pay for the cake and back out to the car, it is now 5:30 PM. Wes' class (he attends college online) starts at 6 PM and I need to start dinner. Becka is having a friend over for dinner and cake & ice cream. I was going to take the 2 girls out for a movie after the meal however I am too stressed and too tired so I asked my daughter, given the circumstances and the fact that dinner is going to be ready much later than originally planned, could we move the movie idea to the weekend? She wasn't totally happy about it, but she understood.
Anyways.... Normally we would have gone to the gym today but we didn't because of all the errands we knew we needed to do. Thank the Goddess we didn't go, because we wouldn't have gotten a cake (the decorator would have been gone for the night at store #2 because we would have been at store #1 later in the day), dinner would have been very late and Wes would have totally missed class (we got home about 5 minutes after it started, so he got most of the class time). So we are heading to the gym tomorrow. I am so glad we have started going back - I forgot how much I really enjoyed it.
And the biggest news?? I stepped on the scale today and - even though I'm in shock and some disbelief - it said 380.4, which is the lowest I have been in about 2-3 years! That brings me grand total weight loss since starting the diet on 9/3/06 to 32.6 lbs (for some reason the weight log is only showing 31.6, but I just did the math on the calculator - to be sure! - and got 32.6)... so I'm really happy!!
It's just I have so much to lose that it's going to take a lot more before I really am able to SEE and FEEL the difference (like in my clothes). I have noticed smaller things though, like being able to walk a little longer in the store without being winded or my back starting to hurt, and being able to bend over a little easier to put on my socks and sneakers. The other awesome thing is I only have about a pound to go before I'm in a new weight range (the 370's)!!! I'm psyched!!
Anyways, dinner should be just about finished cooking. Hope you all have a wonderful night. ::hugs:: to all!!
I am kinda surprised she has made it this far as her attitude for the last year has been a bit "much". However, we are working on it, so hoping it improves soon.
Today we went to go pick up her cake from the local super Wal-Mart. Well, they didn't have the cake ready and they couldn't even find the order. I talked to the manager who called another of the local super Wal-Mart's (thinking maybe we mixed up the 2 stores) and they didn't have it ready or an order for it either. Now mind you we put in the order about 2 weeks ago. So after talking back and forth with the Bakery Asst. Manager, she put in an order for the cake at the other Wal-Mart (the decorator wasn't in at the one we were at) and was told it would be ready when we got there - that the decorator would work on it "right away". While I was paying for the other items at Wal-Mart #1 (making daughter one of her fave meals for dinner for her b'day), Wes went up to the front to talk to the Bakery Asst Manager about the mess-up. Long story short, she said to bring in the receipt from the cake that we are getting from Wal-Mart #2 and she would reimburse us, since someone, somewhere, messed up the cake order. Now, the cake was suppose to be ready for pickup after 2 PM (we were going to get Becka from school and then go get the cake) - by the time we get to store #2, pay for the cake and back out to the car, it is now 5:30 PM. Wes' class (he attends college online) starts at 6 PM and I need to start dinner. Becka is having a friend over for dinner and cake & ice cream. I was going to take the 2 girls out for a movie after the meal however I am too stressed and too tired so I asked my daughter, given the circumstances and the fact that dinner is going to be ready much later than originally planned, could we move the movie idea to the weekend? She wasn't totally happy about it, but she understood.
Anyways.... Normally we would have gone to the gym today but we didn't because of all the errands we knew we needed to do. Thank the Goddess we didn't go, because we wouldn't have gotten a cake (the decorator would have been gone for the night at store #2 because we would have been at store #1 later in the day), dinner would have been very late and Wes would have totally missed class (we got home about 5 minutes after it started, so he got most of the class time). So we are heading to the gym tomorrow. I am so glad we have started going back - I forgot how much I really enjoyed it.
And the biggest news?? I stepped on the scale today and - even though I'm in shock and some disbelief - it said 380.4, which is the lowest I have been in about 2-3 years! That brings me grand total weight loss since starting the diet on 9/3/06 to 32.6 lbs (for some reason the weight log is only showing 31.6, but I just did the math on the calculator - to be sure! - and got 32.6)... so I'm really happy!!
It's just I have so much to lose that it's going to take a lot more before I really am able to SEE and FEEL the difference (like in my clothes). I have noticed smaller things though, like being able to walk a little longer in the store without being winded or my back starting to hurt, and being able to bend over a little easier to put on my socks and sneakers. The other awesome thing is I only have about a pound to go before I'm in a new weight range (the 370's)!!! I'm psyched!!
Anyways, dinner should be just about finished cooking. Hope you all have a wonderful night. ::hugs:: to all!!
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