Chelle 42 yr old Pagan Witch, mom of 4, living in the MidWest
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The Why's of the BingeDec 18 2006 23:38
Maybe someone can answer this for me:
Why, when I'm hurting, or someone has hurt me, would I rather go for the food and binge (and end up hurting myself) instead of confronting the person that hurt me? Why do I choose to inflict pain and physical injury (i.e. added weight from binge) instead of unloading the emotional and psychological baggage, as well as a possible binge trigger? I mean, I was pouring a glass of *real* soda just a little while ago instead of confronting my husband about something and instead of me stopping the soda from pouring the rest of the way and going to him and saying "hey... we need to talk", I just started drinking the soda. I mean, I became aware of what I am doing, and what triggered it... just don't understand why I can't stop the next step - taking in the excess calories instead of unloading the 'baggage'?
Why am I so afraid of telling people that they have hurt me, or that I feel they are wrong, or whatever? Why do I always feel that I have to please people all the time, even at my own expense? And knowing that I'm doing this to myself just makes me more made and angry at myself, as well as frustrated and disappointed. I know that a lot of my weight (85-90%?) is a result of this kind of destructive behavior, and it's one that I have been doing all my life. How do I stop myself from continuing to do this?
All my life, food has been the comfort. It has been what I used to drown all the hurt, anger, frustration, disappointment, rejection, and all those hurtful, negative emotions. How come I can learn - and know - all the techniques to use to talk myself out of a binge but when it happens, it's all out the window? It sounds so good in theory, and in reality I know that it's right. Then why do I feel so wrong and bad and inhuman for standing up for myself, and doing what I know is right for me? What is it about me that makes me feel and think that I'm not worthy? I know what to tell everyone else and I mean it when I say it to them. Why can't I tell myself the same thing, and mean it, and believe it, and do it?
On a different note - I'm not looking forward to the holidays. I used to love Christmas as a child. Not just because of the presents, though they were always nice. I loved the feel of Christmas - the decorations, the lights, the colors, the stories, the traditions. Most of what I love about Yule (Winter Solstice) is the fact that it's not commercial, that is very much steeped in tradition. And even with all that, I just want to crawl into bed and not get out til some time in January. I was at the store yesterday and today and I found myself literally fisting up my hands to avoid screaming at all the people around me. I told Wes today at the post office, "It's hard to get excited about a holiday when you can't even afford it." I have a big enough stress just worrying about how we will normally make it through the month with the regular expenses, never mind added expenses of gifts, holiday food and other holiday-related expenses. I miss having a dependable, decent income. My daughter keeps asking me what I want for Christmas (we celebrate both here since we have family and friends that celebrate both) - and I told her most of the stuff I want can't be bought, and since I know asking for those things is a waste of time and my energy wishing for them, then I don't wish for them, because I know they won't happen. And sadly, she knows I'm right.
Tomorrow we are going to the gym after we pick up Rebecca (we didn't go today, she was home sick and we had errands to run - got too late to go). After the gym we are heading to a friend's house to help her with a few things. Not sure what time we will be home. Hope you all have a pleasant tomorrow and continued success on your weight loss goals!!
P.S. Can we build a "troll room" on CC for the occassional trolls, pro-ana's, thick-headed ones who don't want to listen to advice and so on?? I think my "lack of tolerance" is starting to show, and I'm trying very hard for it to not happen.
Ok, it was just a thought... rant over....
Why, when I'm hurting, or someone has hurt me, would I rather go for the food and binge (and end up hurting myself) instead of confronting the person that hurt me? Why do I choose to inflict pain and physical injury (i.e. added weight from binge) instead of unloading the emotional and psychological baggage, as well as a possible binge trigger? I mean, I was pouring a glass of *real* soda just a little while ago instead of confronting my husband about something and instead of me stopping the soda from pouring the rest of the way and going to him and saying "hey... we need to talk", I just started drinking the soda. I mean, I became aware of what I am doing, and what triggered it... just don't understand why I can't stop the next step - taking in the excess calories instead of unloading the 'baggage'?
Why am I so afraid of telling people that they have hurt me, or that I feel they are wrong, or whatever? Why do I always feel that I have to please people all the time, even at my own expense? And knowing that I'm doing this to myself just makes me more made and angry at myself, as well as frustrated and disappointed. I know that a lot of my weight (85-90%?) is a result of this kind of destructive behavior, and it's one that I have been doing all my life. How do I stop myself from continuing to do this?
All my life, food has been the comfort. It has been what I used to drown all the hurt, anger, frustration, disappointment, rejection, and all those hurtful, negative emotions. How come I can learn - and know - all the techniques to use to talk myself out of a binge but when it happens, it's all out the window? It sounds so good in theory, and in reality I know that it's right. Then why do I feel so wrong and bad and inhuman for standing up for myself, and doing what I know is right for me? What is it about me that makes me feel and think that I'm not worthy? I know what to tell everyone else and I mean it when I say it to them. Why can't I tell myself the same thing, and mean it, and believe it, and do it?
On a different note - I'm not looking forward to the holidays. I used to love Christmas as a child. Not just because of the presents, though they were always nice. I loved the feel of Christmas - the decorations, the lights, the colors, the stories, the traditions. Most of what I love about Yule (Winter Solstice) is the fact that it's not commercial, that is very much steeped in tradition. And even with all that, I just want to crawl into bed and not get out til some time in January. I was at the store yesterday and today and I found myself literally fisting up my hands to avoid screaming at all the people around me. I told Wes today at the post office, "It's hard to get excited about a holiday when you can't even afford it." I have a big enough stress just worrying about how we will normally make it through the month with the regular expenses, never mind added expenses of gifts, holiday food and other holiday-related expenses. I miss having a dependable, decent income. My daughter keeps asking me what I want for Christmas (we celebrate both here since we have family and friends that celebrate both) - and I told her most of the stuff I want can't be bought, and since I know asking for those things is a waste of time and my energy wishing for them, then I don't wish for them, because I know they won't happen. And sadly, she knows I'm right.
Tomorrow we are going to the gym after we pick up Rebecca (we didn't go today, she was home sick and we had errands to run - got too late to go). After the gym we are heading to a friend's house to help her with a few things. Not sure what time we will be home. Hope you all have a pleasant tomorrow and continued success on your weight loss goals!!
P.S. Can we build a "troll room" on CC for the occassional trolls, pro-ana's, thick-headed ones who don't want to listen to advice and so on?? I think my "lack of tolerance" is starting to show, and I'm trying very hard for it to not happen.
Ok, it was just a thought... rant over....
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Heading to BedDec 18 2006 02:37
Heading to bed, just wanted to say good night to everyone and hope that you all had a good weekend. I am doing a bit better than I was a few days ago and want to say thank you to everyone that gave me words of encouragement and support. You don't know *how* much it has meant to me. I really do appreciate it, more than words can express. ::hugs to all:: Thank you.
I am going to bed - it's after 2:30 AM and I have to be up at 7 AM to take Becka to school, and then make sure Wes is up by 10:45 AM for his 11:00 online class. We are planning to head to the gym tomorrow - also have to run some errands, including the post office to mail off 2 things to MA for Christmas. (I'm hoping they get there in time!)
Thank you again everyone. Luv ya all!!
(P.S. Stepped on scale today - 390.2! yay!!)
I am going to bed - it's after 2:30 AM and I have to be up at 7 AM to take Becka to school, and then make sure Wes is up by 10:45 AM for his 11:00 online class. We are planning to head to the gym tomorrow - also have to run some errands, including the post office to mail off 2 things to MA for Christmas. (I'm hoping they get there in time!)
Thank you again everyone. Luv ya all!!
(P.S. Stepped on scale today - 390.2! yay!!)
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Dec 15 2006 14:34 9/18 9/27 10/23 11/25 12/15
Neck: 16 1/2" 16 16 16 16
Upper Arm 24" 23 23 3/4 22 1/8 22
Forearm 13" 13 1/4 13 13 1/2 13 1/8
Wrist 7 1/4" 7 3/8" 7 1/2" 7 1/2 7 1/2
Chest 63 3/4" 64 62 1/2 62 1/2 61 1/2
Cup Size DD DD DD DD DD
Waist 58 3/8" 57 3/4" 58 1/2" 56 3/4 56
Hips 72 1/2" 71 1/2" 71 1/4" 69 3/4 70 3/4
Thigh 36 1/8" 34 3/8 36 36 36
Calf 23 1/2 24 22 23 5/8 23 1/2
Ankle 11 1/2" 11 3/8 11 10 5/8 11
Neck: 16 1/2" 16 16 16 16
Upper Arm 24" 23 23 3/4 22 1/8 22
Forearm 13" 13 1/4 13 13 1/2 13 1/8
Wrist 7 1/4" 7 3/8" 7 1/2" 7 1/2 7 1/2
Chest 63 3/4" 64 62 1/2 62 1/2 61 1/2
Cup Size DD DD DD DD DD
Waist 58 3/8" 57 3/4" 58 1/2" 56 3/4 56
Hips 72 1/2" 71 1/2" 71 1/4" 69 3/4 70 3/4
Thigh 36 1/8" 34 3/8 36 36 36
Calf 23 1/2 24 22 23 5/8 23 1/2
Ankle 11 1/2" 11 3/8 11 10 5/8 11
Total inches lost from start: -9 1/8"
Total inches lost since last measurement: -1 1/2"
Weight showing on scale: 396.3
Ok... so I measured myself today (with a little help from Wes for areas I couldn't do on my own, like upper arm and waist and hips - I kept bending over to fix tape and couldn't get accurate readings) - when I compare my today totals to what I started with, it looks kind of impressive, however I'm not too happy with the gains between last measurement and today and don't know what to think. I had a 1" gain in my hips! I was doing so well, and actually increased my reps on the leg machines (which actually show helping the hips and butt too) and started the treadmill since then, so I would think I would have at least stayed the same, if not lost. Wes reminded me that I didn't go to the gym for the better part of 2 weeks because of my knee, so in actuality the loss of inches is only 2 weeks worth of work. :: sigh :: Oh well.... hopefully now that I've started back on the routine of every other day to the gym I will see the scale and measurements heading down again.
I am also increasing my water as of today. I usually get about 8 8-oz in each day. Gonna reach for at least 10 each day (to get a total of 80 oz). I'm reassessing my food choices, looking at my older logs and such - see what changes I can make and what I might have been doing wrong or whatever.
Now that winter is here (well, fast approaching), I'll probably be doing more soups. I have turkey bones in my freezer to make broth from. We haven't done it yet because we don't have a lot of room in the freezer now and I'll need it for the containers of broth. Was going to get some oxtail or beef bones when I went to the store, but they were kinda pricey, which surprised me. Will keep my eyes open next month, see if the price goes down at all. Told Wes I'd also like to make some veggie broth and freeze it as well. Poor freezer - its going to end up being all my containers of broth!! LOL
OK... finishing this for now - may add more later... trying to get stuff done and going off in 10 different directions.
Have a good one everyone!
Total inches lost since last measurement: -1 1/2"
Weight showing on scale: 396.3
Ok... so I measured myself today (with a little help from Wes for areas I couldn't do on my own, like upper arm and waist and hips - I kept bending over to fix tape and couldn't get accurate readings) - when I compare my today totals to what I started with, it looks kind of impressive, however I'm not too happy with the gains between last measurement and today and don't know what to think. I had a 1" gain in my hips! I was doing so well, and actually increased my reps on the leg machines (which actually show helping the hips and butt too) and started the treadmill since then, so I would think I would have at least stayed the same, if not lost. Wes reminded me that I didn't go to the gym for the better part of 2 weeks because of my knee, so in actuality the loss of inches is only 2 weeks worth of work. :: sigh :: Oh well.... hopefully now that I've started back on the routine of every other day to the gym I will see the scale and measurements heading down again.
I am also increasing my water as of today. I usually get about 8 8-oz in each day. Gonna reach for at least 10 each day (to get a total of 80 oz). I'm reassessing my food choices, looking at my older logs and such - see what changes I can make and what I might have been doing wrong or whatever.
Now that winter is here (well, fast approaching), I'll probably be doing more soups. I have turkey bones in my freezer to make broth from. We haven't done it yet because we don't have a lot of room in the freezer now and I'll need it for the containers of broth. Was going to get some oxtail or beef bones when I went to the store, but they were kinda pricey, which surprised me. Will keep my eyes open next month, see if the price goes down at all. Told Wes I'd also like to make some veggie broth and freeze it as well. Poor freezer - its going to end up being all my containers of broth!! LOL
OK... finishing this for now - may add more later... trying to get stuff done and going off in 10 different directions.
Have a good one everyone!
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blah, blah, blahDec 14 2006 19:56
Ok... warning... not sure where I am going with all this.
I am just feeling so blah, and defeated and frustrated and upset and disappointed and 100 other things I can't even begin to come up with words to define. I have been doing the foods ok, and getting my water back up, and getting back into the routine of every other day at the gym (had fallen off a bit because of my knee - now that it's healed I'm back on my routine). I went today and just couldn't get 'into' it - I forced myself through the resistance machines and just sort of 'tuned out' while I was on the treadmill. I am so BS at my scale and ready to throw the thing across the room. I know I'm doing everything right yet if I went totally based off my scale, I am almost back to where I started in October - and I know that can't be right either. Wes tells me that he can tell I've lost weight just because my clothes aren't as tight on me, and my hips seems smaller (not as wide). I want to believe it - really I do. Part of me thinks he's just saying it to make me feel better so I don't give up. I am so depressed thinking why am I bothering - I'm doing all this work for what? I got my weight down to the low 390's and very briefly to 389 and then I bounced back up to the high 390s and now I can't get below 400 - and I've done NOTHING to gain that kind of weight. I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate the scale. I hate having my body and my metabolism as an enemy. I hate that I have to fight SO hard for just an ounce off my body - only for it to come back anyways. I want to be thinner. I want to be healthy. I want to be happy. I want to be normal. And my body is fighting me every inch of the way. I feel like a blimp with arms and legs sticking out. I look like it too. I caught a sight of me in the mirror at the gym the other day. Mirrors don't lie. Even if the scale is messed up - the mirror isn't. I swear, I look bigger now than I did 3 months ago. Is that even possible????????
ARGH. I am so frustrated. I don't know what else to do. I am doing everything I should be doing, could be doing. It shouldn't be *THIS* hard. It's like I'm coming smack into cement walls every time I turn around when it comes to my weight. I just want to cry, or curl up in a ball and fade away. I wish I had a time machine where I could go back to when I was in my 20's and do it all over again, and do what I should have done in regards to my weight and my health, instead of letting it all slide like I did.
I wish....I wish....I wish.... ::sigh:: I won't even go into the things that I want or need. Its just a lesson in frustration. Wes asked me about a week ago what I wanted for Xmas. I told him, quite simply "nothing". Today, we went shopping for gifts for some friends and family members and Rebecca said that she wanted Subway for dinner and I said "how does it feel to want?" True, probably not the best thing I could have said but hey... I then said "I don't even think about what I want anymore because it's either not possible or can't afford it or whatever. I just get sadly disappointed." And Wes said "Even with me?" and I looked at him and said "yea, sometimes even you." I probably shouldn't have said that. I should have just kept my mouth shut. I didn't say it to hurt him. I'm just .....
I hope you are all having a better day than I am, and sorry for the mood and if I'm bringing anyone down. Just needed to get this off my chest.
I am just feeling so blah, and defeated and frustrated and upset and disappointed and 100 other things I can't even begin to come up with words to define. I have been doing the foods ok, and getting my water back up, and getting back into the routine of every other day at the gym (had fallen off a bit because of my knee - now that it's healed I'm back on my routine). I went today and just couldn't get 'into' it - I forced myself through the resistance machines and just sort of 'tuned out' while I was on the treadmill. I am so BS at my scale and ready to throw the thing across the room. I know I'm doing everything right yet if I went totally based off my scale, I am almost back to where I started in October - and I know that can't be right either. Wes tells me that he can tell I've lost weight just because my clothes aren't as tight on me, and my hips seems smaller (not as wide). I want to believe it - really I do. Part of me thinks he's just saying it to make me feel better so I don't give up. I am so depressed thinking why am I bothering - I'm doing all this work for what? I got my weight down to the low 390's and very briefly to 389 and then I bounced back up to the high 390s and now I can't get below 400 - and I've done NOTHING to gain that kind of weight. I hate myself. I hate my body. I hate the scale. I hate having my body and my metabolism as an enemy. I hate that I have to fight SO hard for just an ounce off my body - only for it to come back anyways. I want to be thinner. I want to be healthy. I want to be happy. I want to be normal. And my body is fighting me every inch of the way. I feel like a blimp with arms and legs sticking out. I look like it too. I caught a sight of me in the mirror at the gym the other day. Mirrors don't lie. Even if the scale is messed up - the mirror isn't. I swear, I look bigger now than I did 3 months ago. Is that even possible????????
ARGH. I am so frustrated. I don't know what else to do. I am doing everything I should be doing, could be doing. It shouldn't be *THIS* hard. It's like I'm coming smack into cement walls every time I turn around when it comes to my weight. I just want to cry, or curl up in a ball and fade away. I wish I had a time machine where I could go back to when I was in my 20's and do it all over again, and do what I should have done in regards to my weight and my health, instead of letting it all slide like I did.
I wish....I wish....I wish.... ::sigh:: I won't even go into the things that I want or need. Its just a lesson in frustration. Wes asked me about a week ago what I wanted for Xmas. I told him, quite simply "nothing". Today, we went shopping for gifts for some friends and family members and Rebecca said that she wanted Subway for dinner and I said "how does it feel to want?" True, probably not the best thing I could have said but hey... I then said "I don't even think about what I want anymore because it's either not possible or can't afford it or whatever. I just get sadly disappointed." And Wes said "Even with me?" and I looked at him and said "yea, sometimes even you." I probably shouldn't have said that. I should have just kept my mouth shut. I didn't say it to hurt him. I'm just .....
I hope you are all having a better day than I am, and sorry for the mood and if I'm bringing anyone down. Just needed to get this off my chest.
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One Holiday Present Down....Dec 05 2006 00:04
Well, didn't get to the gym today as planned. We headed out from picking up Rebecca from school, then went and picked up Wes' meds. However, because the clinic had been closed last Thursday and Friday due to the storm, they were severely backed up. Wes had called in his meds the night before and STILL had to wait almost an hour. From there we headed to Burlington Coat Factory (since it was near his clinic) to get Rebecca a much needed winter jacket. She didn't like anything there (did I mention she's a very fashion-conscious, picky 12 year old?) so we headed to Ross for Less at Belle Isle Station. She managed to find a jacket there (happy happy joy joy - and for $10 less than the max allowance for a jacket for her). By the time we were done, we had been shopping for about an hour and half, been walking all over. I figured I had gotten in the exercise, it was now after dinner time and my back and knee were hurting, so I called it a day. We grabbed a few Hot & Ready pizzas at Little Caesars and brought them home (to split between me, Wes, Kris, Rebecca and Mike). I had 3 slices.
I have already said that I *am going* to the gym tomorrow, dammit. Enough is enough.
Some point this week we also have to do the monthly grocery shopping (YUCK!). I also need to get the turkey bones out of the freezer and make the stock so I can freeze it for future soups. Can I just hibernate til January and skip all this holiday rig-a-ma-roll?
Oh, watergirl, thank you!! The DVD's arrived today!! Can't wait to try them out!! Tonz of huggles to you!!!!
I'm heading to bed. Got only about 4 hours sleep total for last night. Gotta be up bright and early to take Rebecca to school. Hope you all have a wonderful evening.
Pleasant dreams.
I have already said that I *am going* to the gym tomorrow, dammit. Enough is enough.
Some point this week we also have to do the monthly grocery shopping (YUCK!). I also need to get the turkey bones out of the freezer and make the stock so I can freeze it for future soups. Can I just hibernate til January and skip all this holiday rig-a-ma-roll?
Oh, watergirl, thank you!! The DVD's arrived today!! Can't wait to try them out!! Tonz of huggles to you!!!!
I'm heading to bed. Got only about 4 hours sleep total for last night. Gotta be up bright and early to take Rebecca to school. Hope you all have a wonderful evening.
Pleasant dreams.
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Well, I'm at least heading down again....Dec 02 2006 17:38
Well, I weighed myself twice today because I couldn't quite believe what I had seen the first time. I typically weigh myself around 11-12 in the morning, so when I got up around 9:30 AM for a bathroom run, I stepped on the scale. It came up with 387.6, which would be my new low weight. However, considering I had been hovering around 395ish for the last week (esp due to that bingeing fiasco last weekend) I figured that there was no way I could have dropped that much weight in a week. So I headed back to bed (had only been asleep for about 5 hours, was still tired) and got back up around 12:30 (noon) for another bathroom run - aaah the wonders of an overactive bladder! - I stepped on the scale again and it read 395.6, which seemed closer, however since I had been doing really good on the diet since the binge, I didn't think I would have really done the same all week either, so I took the 2 weights and came up with an average, and used the answer (391.6) as my weight for the day. I figured that was probably closer to the actual weight. I just have a hard time believing that I could be 387.6 - that would be a drop of about 7+ lbs. ???
Sorry, just rambling.
Hope everyone is doing well and staying warm. ::hugs::
Sorry, just rambling.
Hope everyone is doing well and staying warm. ::hugs::
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::yawns:: Goodnight....Dec 02 2006 05:13
Just saying goodnight to everyone and hope you all have a wonderful weekend.
::hugs::
::hugs::
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Yuck... Yuck... YuckNov 29 2006 20:14
Yuck. That's how I feel right now. I woke up with a stomachache and feeling icky all over, as well as lower back pain. I have been napping on and off all day. I'm not 100% sure but I think the stomachache is probably the residual from the junk I've had over the last 4 days or so. It's probably revolting! I've stepped on the scale a couple of times and it's been all over the place (from 389.6 to 408.0!!) so I am not even logging any weight for a few more days, in hopes that it might stabilize, and give me a chance to feel better. I'm still keeping up on my waters, and watching what I'm eating, and trying not to let the bingeing get the best of me and undo all the hard work. I made some soup today (chicken boullion, frozen mixed veggies and mini pasta shells) .. it was ok except I forgot seasoning so it was a tad bland! I was going to try and get to the gym today, but when I got up feeling 'yuck' I said "nope, not today"... shooting for tomorrow. All I need is to throw up on someone's sneakers... ewwwww.
I just feel bad that I didn't do so well on the diet -- err, way of new living -- for the past few days. I am really hoping that, when my weight stabilizes a bit, that I haven't done too much damage. I've been evaluating what I've eaten and honestly, even though I haven't kept to the 1700 cals/day, I sure didn't come up near as bad as what I thought. The most for one day was about 2500 cals, so if anything I was closer to a maintenance level, so I shouldn't have gained...?? I don't know. Hoping that most of it is just water and such. Not sure how high the sodium was the night we went out to dinner and movie. Can I still be holding on to excess sodium and such a couple of days later? I've been downing water to try and flush it all out. I have been participating in the Biggest Loser thread, and I'm part of one of the teams and I am SO embarrassed to post for today's weigh in, especially since I don't even have a weight to post that I can really trust. I am half tempted just to say that I stayed the same because that is actually (sort of) in the middle of that wide stretch of weights. I'm not sure what to do. Don't want to let my team-mates down - don't want to give a wrong amount (loss, gain or stay the same). I think I'll just post to the thread, tell them what happened, and the weights I'm getting and let them decide how they want to proceed with it, and just deal with it and work on it harder for next week. I feel like I let my team mates down - and myself. And I swore I wouldn't beat myself up over the overeating, and I'm trying really hard not to. ::takes a deep breath:: Ok....
I think I'm gonna try and get something to eat - nothing too heavy but I need something. Hope you are all having a great night. ::hugs:: to all!!
EDIT: adding (below)
In one of the weight loss forums someone had said: And suddenly, I didn't really care anymore. I didn't feel like looking pretty for myself. I didn't FEEL good, so I didn't care about "looking" good.
and my response was:
When I get in my depressive mood, that's how I feel. Like "why bother" which just feeds into the BED. It's a vicious cycle. It's hard for those who don't suffer from it to understand why you can't just snap out of it. It's not that easy. Don't you think I would if I could?
And that's it in a nutshell. And I wish that, when I'm in the middle of that dark depression, that downward spiral, I could find an ounce, a glimmer of care to make myself stop. And it's so rare that I find it. Usually, like an out of control storm, I just have to wait it out, and assess the damage when it's passed.
I just feel bad that I didn't do so well on the diet -- err, way of new living -- for the past few days. I am really hoping that, when my weight stabilizes a bit, that I haven't done too much damage. I've been evaluating what I've eaten and honestly, even though I haven't kept to the 1700 cals/day, I sure didn't come up near as bad as what I thought. The most for one day was about 2500 cals, so if anything I was closer to a maintenance level, so I shouldn't have gained...?? I don't know. Hoping that most of it is just water and such. Not sure how high the sodium was the night we went out to dinner and movie. Can I still be holding on to excess sodium and such a couple of days later? I've been downing water to try and flush it all out. I have been participating in the Biggest Loser thread, and I'm part of one of the teams and I am SO embarrassed to post for today's weigh in, especially since I don't even have a weight to post that I can really trust. I am half tempted just to say that I stayed the same because that is actually (sort of) in the middle of that wide stretch of weights. I'm not sure what to do. Don't want to let my team-mates down - don't want to give a wrong amount (loss, gain or stay the same). I think I'll just post to the thread, tell them what happened, and the weights I'm getting and let them decide how they want to proceed with it, and just deal with it and work on it harder for next week. I feel like I let my team mates down - and myself. And I swore I wouldn't beat myself up over the overeating, and I'm trying really hard not to. ::takes a deep breath:: Ok....
I think I'm gonna try and get something to eat - nothing too heavy but I need something. Hope you are all having a great night. ::hugs:: to all!!
EDIT: adding (below)
In one of the weight loss forums someone had said: And suddenly, I didn't really care anymore. I didn't feel like looking pretty for myself. I didn't FEEL good, so I didn't care about "looking" good.
and my response was:
When I get in my depressive mood, that's how I feel. Like "why bother" which just feeds into the BED. It's a vicious cycle. It's hard for those who don't suffer from it to understand why you can't just snap out of it. It's not that easy. Don't you think I would if I could?
And that's it in a nutshell. And I wish that, when I'm in the middle of that dark depression, that downward spiral, I could find an ounce, a glimmer of care to make myself stop. And it's so rare that I find it. Usually, like an out of control storm, I just have to wait it out, and assess the damage when it's passed.
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Getting Down My Elephant Walk....Nov 28 2006 01:12
Well, it's now a little after 1 AM and we've been home for a
little while. We had dinner at a restaurant called The Elephant Bar
Restaurant (it opened here within the last year) and the food there was awesome. Spicy, but not too spicy.
I had the Crab, Shrimp & Seafood Firepot (delicious!), however I could only eat
1/2 of what was on my plate (I was FULL). I didn't get any alcoholic drinks however
I did steal a few sips of Wes'! I had some root beer for my drink and
then changed to ice water. The 4 of us shared a sampler appetizer
platter - I just had 1 of each thing on it, which was just enough to
have a taste without going nuts. I splurged and had dessert - which I
could only eat about 1/3 of (apple blueberry cobbler with vanilla ice
cream, and I left 1/2 the scoop of ice cream! Me! The ice cream
fanatic!!). I felt very full - joked they would have to roll me out to
the car. From there we went to the mall which was next door, and got
tickets for the 9:45 showing of Happy Feet, which I have wanted to see
since I started seeing the trailers for it this summer. (I love
penguins!!) And I even passed up buttered popcorn, which is a usual "must have" for me at the movies. It was a great movie - I'd recommend it to everyone, young
and old alike. Despite the mood I was in earlier, I had a really good
time, and most of the depression has lifted.
On a side note... I had taken a nap earlier today on the couch. When I woke up, I toddled off to the bathroom and, since I hadn't eaten yet for the day (last thing I had was the binge last night - real erratic schedule with an early AM meeting at the school which is why I was napping during the mid-day), I decided to weigh myself. I fully expected to see a gain - and it would have been well deserved. I haven't logged it because I'm not sure whether to believe it or not: 389.6.
::BLINK::
I think, all things considered, I did really good today, and if I did go over my calories for the day, it could not have been by much. I tried to find nutritional info online for the restaurant, but came up empty, so I'm just sort of guesstimating it. I only had a bowl of vegetarian soup before we left (I had warmed it up right before Wes told me his aunt had called) and 2 slices of bread, so I really don't think I had a bad day.
EDIT: adding the following
There is a thread (here) that is talking about how to figure out your maintenance amount, and then how to figure out how much you should be eating for weight loss. Here is what I wrote as a response because I want some input here.
futuremrshaifley wrote:
Women To Maintain Weight - Multiply your weight (in pounds) by 12
This is a rough estimate of daily calories needed to maintain weight.
To Lose Weight - Deduct 500 calories from this figure
This gives you a rough estimate of the daily calories needed for you to lose about 1 pound per week.
Huh? Are you sure this is right? This seems so odd.
For example, I currently weight 390 lbs. If I wanted to maintain this weight (which I *don't* but just for sake of example here), using your equation, I would have to eat 4680 cals/day! To lose weight, I should eat 3680 cals/day to lose 2 lbs a week..... yet on this site with the tools, it tells me that I should be eating 2036 cals a day to reach my goal by 9/30/09 and that I am currently burning 2900 cals/day (sedentary). I have been consuming approximately 1700 cals/day. If I went based on your info and calculations, I am eating WAY too little, however if I eat 3600 cals/day (again, based on that info) I am going to gain weight, am I not? I mean, 3600 cals = 1 lb. If I have that 7x a week, thats gonna be a weight GAIN, not a weight LOSS. Especially if I am only burning 2900 cals/day (as sedentary - not taking into effect any exercising I do).
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Another Day...Nov 27 2006 17:55
Well I'm still here, and I'm not giving up, though right now I feel like something the cat dragged in. I think I can safely say it's the depression hitting me big time, because I am *so* not in a people mood, yet in 30 minutes Wes' aunt will be here to take me out for a belated b'day dinner, and because Wes is ready to rip off faces if he doesn't get out of here, I'm putting on a happy face and going, instead of respectfully asking to reschedule.
Anyways... gotta go... will write more when I get home. Just wanted to thank everyone for responding to my last entry - I read them all, and they are appreciated more than you will ever know. ::big hugs to all:: Thank you!
Anyways... gotta go... will write more when I get home. Just wanted to thank everyone for responding to my last entry - I read them all, and they are appreciated more than you will ever know. ::big hugs to all:: Thank you!
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