woman_king's Journal

Well, I'm back.

Jan 25 2009 12:01

After a protracted and very embarassing sojourn into gluttony and sloth, two of my least favorite sins, I'm back. I've been completely humbled, I'll admit. I gained back all the weight I lost and then some. I think part of it had to do with a lot of really upsetting family stuff that I found out. For instance, that my dad has cheated on my mom. That we're pretty sure she doesn't know and I don't think I can tell her because she's so completely in love with him.

So I dealt with it on my own. By eating. LOTS.

And it's not pretty and I'm certainly not proud but I am ready to begin again, to try again, to strive to be something worth being. Because right now I don't feel that way; I feel worthless.

I know that tying your self worth to a number on your scale is just begging for trouble but it's also the face I see in the mirror, the body I wake up with. This is the rest of my life, I just need to keep remembering that it's worth it.

So I'm back. I weigh more than I ever have, but I'm ready to get serious.

147.

Nov 07 2008 17:55

Let's do the damn thing. I met a new boy. I'm keeping him :)

149.

Oct 10 2008 22:09

it was a brief shining moment this morning, which was ruined by a day of bad choices (i'm sure). but i'm going to go swim for as long as it takes to assuage my guilt tomorrow, and probably walk to and from the supermarket as well (where i will most assuredly be buying only the healthiest of ingredients... harumph!).

still... after a summer of weighing over 160, it felt pretty fucking good.

5.25 miles. one hour.

Jun 25 2008 21:07

shizam.

when i...

Jun 24 2008 23:13

hit 150, hopefully this week, i will have 40 pounds to lose.

I RAN 5 MILES IN AN HOUR.

Jun 16 2008 21:12

on the treadmill. well, an hour and 30 seconds. still. i'm freakin pumped.

i made stirfry and brown rice tonight, and put some green curry paste and soy sauce on top. yum. i'm going to have cherries for dessert. vida e bella.

reboot

Jun 15 2008 18:21

i haven't written for a long time, because i realized that an online journal couldn't really provide whatever it was i was looking for. i'm still not sure that i know exactly what i'm looking for. but i know that i was really unhappy this spring. at least that's what i think i must have been. i was watching the biggest loser online recently (LOVE IT) and jillian was telling this girl about how if she didn't deal with the emotional problems behind her weight gain, she would never be able to maintain weight loss. presumably as soon as she was out of that pressure situation she would revert to bad habits and return not only to her former weight but her former mentality about food, health, her body, etc. i think this is so absolutely true.

i mean, was down to 133! i was looking really good! but it's like jillian was saying; i felt vulnerable and soon as something didn't go my way i went to the kitchen for comfort. and what's worse is that i picked up bad habits i didn't even have before, like binging. badly. i have overeaten a lot in the past (obviously, as i am here for weight loss i must have) but never have i dont stuff like order an entire domino's pizza with bread sticks and eat it all in under an hour. several times a week. shudder. that's not just boredom, that's not even just eating my emotions! that's sabotage. that's self destruction. maybe that is even self loathing, actualized and ready to do some damage. i don't know.

so, i fell of the wagon.. so to speak. i also fell into a pretty bad depression and fell into the bad habit of not leaving the apartment and avoiding everyone i know and everyone who cares about me. and hurting this very nice boy by leading him on. i'm not proud of it. in fact, i'm terrified these days of seeing him because i can offer no explanation for my callous and careless treatment besides my own depressively manic self-absorption. i want to say i'm sorry to him so badly but after the last time i brushed him off, not answering his calls when i said i wanted to spend time with him, he's disappeared... and i think he's probably better off now without my interruptions into his life. but i am sorry. i do like him, but he doesn't make my pulse race. he doesn't intrigue me. the mention of his name doesn't perk my ears and i'm not tempted to call him besides when i'm lonely and that's just not fair to either of us. especially him.

so i'm back where i started at the beginning of last summer, and even a little worse off for it: 154 pounds. my mom has been a yo-yoer all her life and i just cannot be that person. if that means that i get to 130 and then maintain there for a while, then that's okay. i'm at peace with that. maybe i will never be the delicate, petite 5'2" i've wanted to be. maybe i will alway be an hourglass and maybe if i cant just get myself to be healthy i can be okay with that.

so i still use the elliptical but i've been slowly easing myself into running. mostly on the treadmill because i get exceedingly bored outside and am incapable of pacing myself. this past week i ran 15.45 miles. i'm really really proud of that. i felt great doing that. i think my best time was 4.75 miles in an hour. i am very slowly but surely getting better at running (going longer at faster speeds, and going longer in general) and it's wonderful to having some way of measuring progress besides a number on the scale. and i do love my numbers when i comes to weight loss: calories, pounds, inches, miles, minutes, levels, days [without binging]... i'm a numbers kind of gal.

so i fell apart. everyone does, right? i have to believe that it's in the picking up of oneself that we are made. i can do this. it's not gonna happen today or today or even on one particular day in july, but it is going to happen.

P.S. i discovered jif to go 4 tablespoon containers of peanut butter. will i pay the extra money for portion controlled peanut butter so that i can [hopefully just on occasion] enjoy that smooth, creamy peanuty goodness? happily. here's to hoping.

the wagon

Apr 28 2008 12:23

anyone seen it? i'd like to get back on now, please.

seriously, this weekend i was out of control in a way that frightened and disgusted even me. three days of binging [friday, saturday, sunday] and it's no wonder that after so many of these weekends i'm right back where i started. i need a fresh start, i need a reboot, and i need to find whatever was driving me before [i mean, i was going to the gym while dealing with mono! mono, people!].

i can do this. I DID THIS! i've done it before. it starts today. i'm done. i'm done eating my feelings. how about this? I FEEL LIKE SHIT! there. i said it. i acknowledged it. you want to know how i feel? that's how. my parents are moving to canada, i've gained back all my weight, i've been procrastinating all my work for finals and now it's rapidly piling up, my roommate is never around on the weekend nor is my best friend who rows and is away at races every single weekend and the resulting loneliness/boredom/depression has been leading to me indulging in horrid binges followed by stupid and often unsuccessful attempts at restricting during the weeks, i got played by a handsome jerk and picked him over a much sweeter guy who is somehow still interested in me but i can't bring myself to do anything about it because i feel so unimaginably unattractive right now that i don't even want to leave the house, and i miss my brother something fierce but i can't stand hearing about his and my sister in law's rapidly fantastically wonderful weight loss all the time! i know i have places to turn but none of them seem like good outlets and so i've been turning to food and the only person who that hurts is me and i'm done.

I'M DONE. i'm sick of it. i'm sick of this. i'm sick of hating my body. i'm sick of not looking in the mirror. i'm sick of feeling like crying because my jeans aren't fitting. i weighed myself this morning and promptly crumpled into a little ball of tears and lard. 154. i know some of that is salt and bloat from all the shit i ate yesterday but still. damn. DAMN. DAMN!!! i did not work this hard just to mess up now.

no matter how much shit i eat, i'm still going to have all these problems. no matter how much i binge when the binge is done i'm still going to loathe myself for allowing it. so that's my new motto. if i'm not hungry, i don't need it. and if i really think i do need it... how am i going to feel after i eat it?

i just wish i had some support to help me through this. i wish i had someone i felt like i could talk to. i wish i had someone to lean on.

Apr 25 2008 20:23

I ate 5000 calories today.

I can't even look at myself in the mirror, my self-loathing is that intense.

I'm going to go study with my friend. Hopefully getting out of this apartment, out of this mindset, will help.

I hate myself.

ARGH

Apr 24 2008 07:42

Patience. Patience patience patience patience patience.

I gained a pound. I now weigh 146. I want to bash my skull in with this stupid scale. My old one was so much nicer to me.