x17star17x's Journal

PIEEE oh my PIE! It's so beautiful.
Nov 24 2009 20:26

My Pumpkin Chocolate Spiced Pie! I tried a little sliver (as you can see) and it's not award winning in my books so it's going to work. I've decided on a graham cracker crust pumpkin pie with a pecan strussel topping.

And YES! I'm going with the caramel for my chocolate pecan pie. I just can't not.

In my fridge I now have the dough for my pecan pie (which is SO beautiful. The butter was cold and broke up into perfect pieces. It's going to be so flaky and good, I can tell!), my graham cracker crust for the pumpkin, and the pecan strussel for my pumpkin. Oh and that beautiful bread. I've been havin fun today :)

You know food is an art to you when you make something and go "oh my god that's gorgeous!" like I did with my crust. Ha. Okay now off to watch Twilight with Ezra.

Scale, You're Rude!
Nov 21 2009 08:06

Well the scale was up a pound this morning. 137.2. *shrugs* I didn't do anything to actually gain weight. I didn't work out yesterday and ate 1200 cals on the nose. One of which was canned soup at 9pm (canned soup 160 cals, light toast w/ splenda and cinnamon, 1/2 cup double churn vanilla bean ice cream, and popcorn I shared with Ezra). I always get in late from cake class, and that's what I had. Sooo I blame the Progresso and their Lite Zesty Santa Fe Style Chicken soup which contained more than 1K mgs of sodium. My poofy hands prove it :) So plenty of water, some exercise, and I should get the water weight to move. I think it's funny I used to get SO upset over moments like this in the past. Our bodies are like sponges. Considering we are mostly made of water, that extra 16 ounces hanging around is possible from time to time.

And I haven't drank this weekend. This is the longest stretch I can remember in.. well.. a long while. I can't even remember a time where I didn't drink Friday nights. I have caught myself wanting a drink. I ask myself why, and really it's just been so routine when the clock hits a certain time on a certain day, it pops into my head like an email popup. Kind of like when the clock hits noon and you know its lunch time! So I just need to remind myself that it's not apart of my routine anymore, and it totally goes away. I'm VERY VERY surprised how easy this is actually going. I guess when I make up my mind, I just follow through. It's time to get my health back.

Speaking of drugs and health, my dad is out of prison. According to my mom, he wants to be sober and he's tired of getting in trouble and going to jail, prison. Mind you, he's still mentally ill, but if he can stay away from the drugs and get back on his meds, he'll be 10 times better. I asked my mom if he was going to be at christmas dinner, and she told me that he's welcome. :) I'm kind of excited to see a sober dad. I need to give him a call every few days just to check in on him and make sure that he's doing well. I'm my fathers daughter. I take after him a lot more than my mom. He's an all or nothing, he's into extremes, and he's coo-coo in the noggin :) Like me and my little bro bro.

Welp I'm gunna finish up this oatmeal and play in fondant. Probably turn on the heat. Haha the high is 76 today in Phoenix, but I'm freezin! The nights are getting cold.

Happy Saturday!

For those that didn't see it last night:

Cake!
Nov 20 2009 21:08

I think it came out good. It was fun to make. We made roses too, but you wont see those until my final cake in 3 weeks (we take thanksgiving week off). FUNNN with fondant. Don't worry, fondant tastes nasty. Now the devils food with whip cream filling is good. But who can cut that purdy cake?

Stupid Ironman Event!
Nov 19 2009 09:28

I'm already frazzled this morning. There's an ironman event on SUNDAY and they're already set up for it which causes so many streets to be blocked off right by my work. I don't even know how many uturns I made this morning just to get into the lot. I even made a uturn on a no uturn :) Because dang it! I needed to get into the office and I don't know another way. I even honked at a man. LoL. He didn't flip me off, but instead gave me the "what the hell do you want me to do" throw hands up sign. Poor dude. It's just when things are messy, I get so frustrated! Maybe a small case of OCD?

Anywho, other than that my morning was fine. I was a bit hesitant to get on the scale. I hate that feeling. You start to calm yourself and calculate all the salty things you ate before just to cushion the fall. Subway turkey sandwich w/ extra pickles, cottage cheese, popcorn, and a pickle with my burger AND tons of mustard. Heh. But the scale was kind enough to give me a 138.6. Why does 138.6 feel worse than 144? It's like the bigger number at the end makes it seem worse or something. I'm glad my bloat is going away. I've lost 1 inch on my bust, one inch on my booty, and an inch and a half in my waste. All that in just 3 days. That tells me my body must really hate crap food and booze if it flares up like a puffer fish when I consume junk. Ew. Like some kind of infection bloat. No more of that for some time.

I'm already letting my head get the best of me when it comes to Thanksgiving. All those food obligations. I don't want the 'fruit cup' ezras mom makes. She makes it every year but not many people are that into it except for her. I hate hurting feelings. She does make some healthy baked sweet potatoes which i'm in for. It's just sweet potato drizzled with olive oil and baked. The turkey can't kill me, but it's dry every year.. I wish she would brine the thing! Then the mashed potatoes which I can skip. I asked for there to be dinner rolls because it's not thanksgiving without those. Then Ezra's sister (the veggiehead) makes string bean casserole. Ew. Won't touch. Then theres the stuffing which she still cooks IN the bird. She also makes an out of bird stuffing for the veggiehead. Every thanksgiving this is pretty much what I eat and it hasn't changed since I was a kid: 2 dinner rolls split open with turkey and mashed potatoes in the middle. Sandwich! Then my mom would always get a chocolate pie from Marie Calendars which we'd totally chow down on. Before dinner, I always had to have my cheeseball that I'd eat with wheat thins. Horrible for me, egh? But THAT is thanksgiving to me.

Since I'm for-going making the chocolate mousse pie, I'll be making a "winter salad" like last year. Last year I made a salad with a home made basalmic vinegrette, cranberries, walnuts, and Bartlett pears in it. Super good. It contained hardly any oil in the dressing since I replaced it with veggie broth. I can make a similar one. I'm thinking a ginger dressing? with mandarine oranges and pecans or something? feta cheese? I gotta look for a good recipe :) But it's gotta be yum!

Alright well I'm gunna get to work I guess. I have a CRAP load to do today. I haven't done shit all month, but today is like they threw 10 things on me. Ah well. I'll search my dinner salad later.

PS: My new shoes ROCK. Now instead of the pain in my feet, I can feel the burn in my legs. Haha. Good times. Squishy shoes. Happy me.

PSS: Be on the look for cake pictures Saturday morning!

Happy FEET!
Nov 18 2009 14:21

Meet my new awesome shoe! My 100$ I found was real, because he marked it and it went it the drawer. Woo free shoes. New Balance 645 WIDE/LARGE. I have a crazy wide foot for a girl, so buying womans shoes weren't easy. The sales lady helped a lot tho. They weren't cheap, but because I FOUND the money, I figured I'd treat my feet nice. I also bought cushy gel insoles to make it extra cloudlike on my toesies. Good day. Good day :) Now after my popcorn snack, I'll go break em in. Woo exciting.

With the 12 dollars I had left, I went over to Michaels to buy another 5lb box of fondant. I've been hesitant to use what I have because I need it on my class cakes, but since it's left over FREE money, I can play with it like puddy. Yay.

Oh and I had an awesome Subway lunch with Ezra. He's always so fun to see, especially in work clothes. Boys n pollos :) Good stuff.

Okay my day has been made. I'm happy.

Dear Fat,
Nov 16 2009 12:38

Dear Fat,

I am handing you your eviction notice. You're outa here! I'm not kidding this time around. You do not look cute at all hanging around my waste and over my pants. Dude! Why do you insist on making me feel so lethargic and disgusting? You're such an asshole Fat.

I'm walking you off. I took the booze out of the house AGAIN because of you. Not only do you keep growing and growing when I drink, but you drive me TO drink. Making me feel worthless? That's not cool Fatty Mc Fat Fat. So I went to the library and got some books about alcoholism and quitting that!

I also want you to know that I don't appreciate you attacking Ezra too. We've already talked about you this morning and agree that your BFF that is hanging out with my man is gone too! Inform him that the gym is going to become his best friend.

You know what else I got at the library? 2 audio books that are going to become my form of entertainment and pleasure. YOU are not ME Mr Fat. You are plain and simple disposable garbage. I am NOT. So stop telling me I am.

Goodbye Fat. Hope you don't mind this chisel in my hand that is going to gradually hack you away for the next few months!

Melinda

My life is like a rubix cube
Nov 13 2009 09:37

La de de. It's Friday!

Yesterday wasn't so bad. The thought of drinking crossed my mind a few times, but then I just thought about how shitty I would feel in the morning and how it's not going to help any problems. Instead of freaking out, I told Ezra I needed out of the house into the fresh air. Well we didn't end up in the cold, but we did lay in bed and talk for the longest.

We have some issues to worth through, that's for sure. And we'll just have to communicate them constructively to eachother until we find the root of the problems. Everything right now is surface, and covering up the surface with dirt.

But last night I did fine and dandy. I'm really just wanting to go to Sedona tomorrow! It might rain there, but the hotel is going to be so beautiful I don't really care. Plus, wet red rocks, an overcast sky with orange and purple tossed around it sound lovely too. Ah I love a rain shy sky. :)

Tonight I have my cake class, and then its home to eat dinner, get ready for tomorrow (pack) and then some much more needed sleep. I've been sleeping a ton lately but I think my body needs it.

This morning I woke up at 7am (went to bed at 9, so I had a good dose) and made my buttercream frosting for class, and I also made some graham crackers, did the dishes, cleaned the cat box, swept the bathroom, washed off the countertops, etc etc. and it's not even 10am! Soon here I need to head to the store to get stuff for my lunch salad. Maybe I'll make some ceasar dressing and toast up some garlic croutons w/ grilled chicken. That sounds yummy.

Welp I must be off! Gotta pry Ezra away from this jigsaw puzzle and go to the store. (I swear, Ezra and anything not complete - paint by numbers, jigsaw puzzles, etc, will drive him nuts until it is finished. He'll sit there for hours if I leave him alone. Cute kid.)

[FAIL]
Nov 09 2009 10:11

Another failed weekend, or AKA another learning experience :) Mannn. Oh well. It's monday and time to get back on track. I see walking in my future. Oh and situps. Many many situps, My poor gut is looking so frumpy.

Dear Body,

If you just help me get back to the way I was, I'll be happy with you. I won't complain about the extra skin, and boobs.. I won't get mad at you for the lack there of. Bah. Just bare with me.. talk to my noggin, and tell it to "knock it off! no more CRAP!"

- Melinda

Let's be real. We eat crap, and we FEEL like crap. Let's just say that today I feel extra crap. On Friday, I felt SO much better after a week of clean eating. I'm looking forward to Friday again! I want to feel sexy on saturday. It's my 2 year anniversary with Ezra, and I don't want to feel ashamed and hide my body. I want to utilize that 2 person bathtub in the hotel room. Moderation is key. Moderation!

I gotta hit up Michaels today to pick up some Fondant. I also would like to look into being fitted for shoes. No money, I know I know, but my little toes always eat dust on my long walks. I need walkin shoes that don't kill my piggies.

Welp time to P90x it (TONE TONE TONE), then lathering up in sunscreen for my walk. Dude! It's November! Why is it so hot outside?!

Happy Monday. *cheers* to treating our bodies like gods today!

===Update===

I just got back from my power walk. Pheww. Lookie what I found on the trail!!!

Not even kidding. And it's real. New walking shoes for ME. New walking shoes for MEEE!

Stupid Fridays
Nov 06 2009 08:42

I'm kinda sorta nervous. Okay, I'm SUPER DOOPER nervous. I'm out of work for 4 days straight. When the night falls, I always want to relax with some drinks. I can't do that *sigh* if not for my own health for the sake of my expanding waste line.

I almost stepped on the scale this morning. ALMOST. Like... Close call almost. I don't want to see that number. I'm afraid of it. I just want to focus on eating right, not the dang scale. Why am I so afraid? The girl who HAD to weigh herself on a daily basis, now in total fear of the number? I just.. bleh.. Ignorance is bliss.

Last night ended kinda bad. I told Ezra he shouldn't be with me. I keep trying to push him away, and telling him that I just want to move back to california so I'm not such a burden on his finances. I feel like a mooch to tell you the truth. I just.. I want him happy. And I'm bringing him down. And as much as I love him, I hate seeing him sad over me. It makes me angry. Not sad.. full of anxiety and angry. Then I push and push until I just cry. A huge part of me wants to be held until I combustion, and another part wants to be alone. Just leave me alone. I don't know what I'm doing here, and I don't know why I say those words to him, but I know it changes the way he sees me. It all makes me exhausted.

I'll try to have a good day, but Fridays are the worst! I go through "i should be at work right now" "I cant go shopping today" "I'm trapped in the house" "I can't even eat crap to make myself feel better" "Stupid blisters on my toes don't let me walk far enough" "If I did walk somewhere, it's not like I could buy anything upon destination" "Do I really need to be signing up for cake class? Fondant isn't cheap." "I want to cancel every extra that I have, just so I don't have to cost anything" "I can't binge, because binging is wasting food, causing me to cost more money. But that whole thought depresses me and makes me want to"

GAH! Stupid Fridays.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Nov 05 2009 10:46

I got an email from Kraft Kitchens titled "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas" and it put a big huge grin on my face. I'm such a nerd. I don't care! This year I'm giving back.

Want to hear some exciting news? And I knowwww I probably am not financially sound to be doing this, but I'm going to have a LITTLE SISTER soon! I signed up for Big Brother Big Sister and they just let me know they are now in need of Big Sisters. When I signed up in July, they didn't. But I guess things are cruddy so they're reaching out. I have an interview Dec 2nd. Its a FULL YEAR dedication that I must commit to, but I want to do this. I really wish that my little brother went through with the program when he was doing crap. Now look at him. I know what growing up in shit is like, I know what it's like not to have money, and I def know what it's like to live in a broken home with a drug addicted/mentally ill, parent. I just want a little one to know that they don't have to slum to what's surrounding them. There's life out there that needs to be lived. I WENT TO COLLEGE despite all the crap. It's really awakening my eyes to how far I have come myself. Oh I feel a baking buddy in the making. Hopefully we can go on enough hikes to counteract the cookies. Right? :)

I also want to volunteer my time during this Thanksgiving. It's coming up fast, so I must research. I want to work a soup kitchen for the homeless. Salvation Army does that? I think so... I really want to feel good. I've felt in the dumps for too many months here.

Last night was SUPER rough. I'll admit, I wanted to drink. And I didn't let myself. I pondered it over and over and over until I curled up in a ball on the couch so long I felt sleepy and knew by being so bummed about it, I sucked all the potential fun out of the whole thing. Ezra laid there with me, until I realized I just wanted to be alone. I indulged in an additional bowl of popcorn over my calories, I did not exercise, and I had a few pieces of un-budgeted melon, but I did NOT drink.

Ah but when I woke up this morning, my gut didn't feel bloated. I actually put my ring back on my finger that I had been refusing to wear from bloat. Even decided to pull my hair back and put some earrings on. Oh but my jeans are not as forgiving. I tried on my black jeans I thought wouldn't button. They buttoned, but I can't imagine sitting in them for 8 hours at work. My ass looked good in them tho! Because they weren't as baggy as they used to be. Ha!

So I put on a different pair of jeans. They're kinda buggin and riding a little too low for my taste, but I'm on the nicer dressed side today. Feels good. Heart rate monitor is already strapped to me for my afternoon walk! Ah so great. Hopefully this attitude lasts well into the weekend. Weekends are tough.

I have 3 movies I must watch:

Nanny McFee (or however you spell it)

Food Inc (which is a documentary on how much hormones and crap is pumped into our food, processed food, and the treatment of animals - egh I just want to see)

And Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs!!! In 3D!!! I'm a nerd, I know.

Then I'll play in more cake and cookies and bring them to my boyfriends moms house. I guess we're going over there this weekend since his sister will be down.

Loves! It's Thursday (my last working day of the week until next Tuesday). Hang in there and keep me accountable people!