x17star17x's Journal

Stupid Fridays
Nov 06 2009 08:42

I'm kinda sorta nervous. Okay, I'm SUPER DOOPER nervous. I'm out of work for 4 days straight. When the night falls, I always want to relax with some drinks. I can't do that *sigh* if not for my own health for the sake of my expanding waste line.

I almost stepped on the scale this morning. ALMOST. Like... Close call almost. I don't want to see that number. I'm afraid of it. I just want to focus on eating right, not the dang scale. Why am I so afraid? The girl who HAD to weigh herself on a daily basis, now in total fear of the number? I just.. bleh.. Ignorance is bliss.

Last night ended kinda bad. I told Ezra he shouldn't be with me. I keep trying to push him away, and telling him that I just want to move back to california so I'm not such a burden on his finances. I feel like a mooch to tell you the truth. I just.. I want him happy. And I'm bringing him down. And as much as I love him, I hate seeing him sad over me. It makes me angry. Not sad.. full of anxiety and angry. Then I push and push until I just cry. A huge part of me wants to be held until I combustion, and another part wants to be alone. Just leave me alone. I don't know what I'm doing here, and I don't know why I say those words to him, but I know it changes the way he sees me. It all makes me exhausted.

I'll try to have a good day, but Fridays are the worst! I go through "i should be at work right now" "I cant go shopping today" "I'm trapped in the house" "I can't even eat crap to make myself feel better" "Stupid blisters on my toes don't let me walk far enough" "If I did walk somewhere, it's not like I could buy anything upon destination" "Do I really need to be signing up for cake class? Fondant isn't cheap." "I want to cancel every extra that I have, just so I don't have to cost anything" "I can't binge, because binging is wasting food, causing me to cost more money. But that whole thought depresses me and makes me want to"

GAH! Stupid Fridays.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Nov 05 2009 10:46

I got an email from Kraft Kitchens titled "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas" and it put a big huge grin on my face. I'm such a nerd. I don't care! This year I'm giving back.

Want to hear some exciting news? And I knowwww I probably am not financially sound to be doing this, but I'm going to have a LITTLE SISTER soon! I signed up for Big Brother Big Sister and they just let me know they are now in need of Big Sisters. When I signed up in July, they didn't. But I guess things are cruddy so they're reaching out. I have an interview Dec 2nd. Its a FULL YEAR dedication that I must commit to, but I want to do this. I really wish that my little brother went through with the program when he was doing crap. Now look at him. I know what growing up in shit is like, I know what it's like not to have money, and I def know what it's like to live in a broken home with a drug addicted/mentally ill, parent. I just want a little one to know that they don't have to slum to what's surrounding them. There's life out there that needs to be lived. I WENT TO COLLEGE despite all the crap. It's really awakening my eyes to how far I have come myself. Oh I feel a baking buddy in the making. Hopefully we can go on enough hikes to counteract the cookies. Right? :)

I also want to volunteer my time during this Thanksgiving. It's coming up fast, so I must research. I want to work a soup kitchen for the homeless. Salvation Army does that? I think so... I really want to feel good. I've felt in the dumps for too many months here.

Last night was SUPER rough. I'll admit, I wanted to drink. And I didn't let myself. I pondered it over and over and over until I curled up in a ball on the couch so long I felt sleepy and knew by being so bummed about it, I sucked all the potential fun out of the whole thing. Ezra laid there with me, until I realized I just wanted to be alone. I indulged in an additional bowl of popcorn over my calories, I did not exercise, and I had a few pieces of un-budgeted melon, but I did NOT drink.

Ah but when I woke up this morning, my gut didn't feel bloated. I actually put my ring back on my finger that I had been refusing to wear from bloat. Even decided to pull my hair back and put some earrings on. Oh but my jeans are not as forgiving. I tried on my black jeans I thought wouldn't button. They buttoned, but I can't imagine sitting in them for 8 hours at work. My ass looked good in them tho! Because they weren't as baggy as they used to be. Ha!

So I put on a different pair of jeans. They're kinda buggin and riding a little too low for my taste, but I'm on the nicer dressed side today. Feels good. Heart rate monitor is already strapped to me for my afternoon walk! Ah so great. Hopefully this attitude lasts well into the weekend. Weekends are tough.

I have 3 movies I must watch:

Nanny McFee (or however you spell it)

Food Inc (which is a documentary on how much hormones and crap is pumped into our food, processed food, and the treatment of animals - egh I just want to see)

And Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs!!! In 3D!!! I'm a nerd, I know.

Then I'll play in more cake and cookies and bring them to my boyfriends moms house. I guess we're going over there this weekend since his sister will be down.

Loves! It's Thursday (my last working day of the week until next Tuesday). Hang in there and keep me accountable people!

Cake + Frosting - Alcohol = Happier Me
Nov 04 2009 09:51

Good morning digestive system. Glad to see you're handling yourself well today. Good morning calf. I want to punch you, but we'll work through this dang cramp you're giving me. It's water for you mister! You still get my loves :)

Good morning Calorie Counters! Ah, you know, I could get so spoiled working just 2 days a week AND treating my body well. Ezra is at a conference today, and I'm going to be playing in cakeeee. Oh and grocery shopping. I'll have to take care of that one before lunch time or I won't be eating. It's pretty bare in there, but I'm so hesitant to spend money.

Well on my list today is cupcakes. Chocolate, Snickerdoodle, pumpkin spice? I could do a pumpkin spice with cream cheese frosting??? I don't like pumpkin, but people do around the Fall season. There's a few icing tips that I want to get, and they're only a few bucks a piece... but darn it I shouldn't be spending money. Work with what you have, right? But there's so much I want to do! I'm used to spoiling myself.

Still haven't been on the scale, but it's been 3 days of no crap in my system, and my bloat seems to be dieing down. I don't even want to know how much weight I have to lose. My cord pants fit, and my shirts fit, and I'm fine, but I WANT those black jeans back on with room like they were.

Did you know that Nov 11th marks my 2 years of maintenance? Yipes. Maybe I'll check my weight on that date to see where I'm at and how much of the 175 I managed to maintain. Nervous!

Time to run! Shower + Groceries = Me feeling better.

Happy HuMp Day

This is just a test of the emergency broadcast system
Nov 03 2009 22:23

Maybe this is a test. Test to see whether Ezra and I can live off his income + just my 2 days of working. After this month, we'll see if I can persue my dreams and just learn more CAKE! I don't want another hell hole of a job. Even if I can get an internship in a bakery somewhere. I contacted a company (Butterandme.com) earlier this year and they said maybe during the winter months they'd take someone in :)

I was looking up the Arizona state laws on selling food, even through your home, and you have to obtain an LLC and even have your home inspected by the inspection people. Also they have to make sure that you are in good health so you dont get nastys in the food. I might as well start on at least getting the LLC set up. It shouldn't cost all that much. Ugh. I've been spoken to about the 'hows' to set up an LLC in the past, so the paperwork is tucked in my drawer somewhere. This is all just overwhelming and over my head.

At least with these thoughts, I can let my stress ease a bit. Tomorrow I'm going to be home alone, and figured I'd play in what I have. I don't have money to go pick up new pans and whatnot, but I do have TONS of powdered sugar, a tub of crisco, and boxes of cake mix. Let's play!

I'm such a nerd I swear. Maybe this time I'll do cupcakes instead.

Okay enough cake talk. Now on to a serious matter.

I broke down last night and told Ezra my drinking HAS to stop in the way it has been lately. I drank Tuesday, Wednesday, (skipped Thursday because my stomach couldn't take it) Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. Monday I just knew I couldn't be doing this to myself anymore. I haven't been as honest with him as I should have been. I've been pushing the fact that this isn't okay, but I think it was at the point I broke down and told him "I can't sleep, I wake up with cold sweats, my heart rate is going wacko, my digestive system hasn't been right in months, and I wake up with the shakes so sick to my stomach I don't want to move" <-- that really hit home with him I think. I'm not just getting chunky, I'm making myself sick. So this is the first Tuesday night in quite a while that I haven't had drinks. There's nothing left after this weekend anyway, so nothing to fear.

Today I got a 6 mile power walk in (burnt 720 cals - didn't work out yesterday), and my 1500 cals in my intake. I feel nice, and motivated. I'm avoiding the scale, but I'm REALLY excited to wear my jeans again. Just give it time. 2 more weeks and I'm off to Sedona for my romantic get-a-way. And let's face it, I'm eating Mexican w/ salsa and strawberries dipped in chocolate!

One day at a time.

I repaired that pesky wagon wheel. No more falling off!
Nov 01 2009 10:31

What's to say? Not a whole lot. I'm embarrassed at myself. Frustrated with myself. I've been living in a big baggy sweater so my fat won't show, but I can feel it sitting there right on my gut. It's so GROSS. I'm not used to feeling this heavy. Not comfortable at all. I want it off of me. So it's time I get on the bandwagon and get rid off the weight, once again.

It's been a changing time for me.. in many many ways. I'm only working 2 days a week at a job I dislike a TON, and I feel so strapped for cash it's causing me to become depressed. This whole drinking and binging thing HAS to stop. No.. it IS stopping. I'm stopping it. Right here.

I feel... trapped. Like I'm on restriction and I can't do anything. I want to buy things :) At least my walks keep me a bit on the happier side. God I need walking shoes tho. You should see my poor feet, but I keep on truckin.

Oh and my cake classes are life. I love that class. I love the people, the instructor. It gives me a challenge. Cake class is done until Nov 13th. I'm on to course 3 which is wedding cakes w. fondant and fondant flowers. OH! And lace work. I'm so excited its not even funny. I don't have the money to really be taking the class... I'll have to buy fondant, and new cake pans, and more tips, sugar and crisco galore for the frosting, different fillings. It's not a cheap hobby, but it's all I have. It's the only thing making me want to get up in the morning. How sad is that? :) Cake is awesome. Cake is Art. Glad I'm burnt out on eating it...

Here's a picture of my latest creation. It took me a month to complete all those flowers, and it will be devoured in 30 minutes once I take it to work.

Welp I best hop in the shower. They make me feel better. Then for a walk to somewhere. Maybe Michael's for a new cake pan or something. See, there, that thought made me smile. I need to smile more.

15 Days Until Halloween
Oct 16 2009 15:51

15 days until Halloween

Deficit Goal: 9200

Total Previous Workout Deficit: 3385 calories

Total Workout Today: 355

Total: 3740

To Go: 5460

Days to go: 15

Daily Burn To Reach Goal: 364

And damage control starts NOW!
Sep 28 2009 13:57

So let's not talk about this weekend, shall we? It's monday, a brand new day to make better choices! Hello monday. Is it friday yet? :)

Cake class was a blast. I can't make a ROSE to save my life, but i'll practice and get there eventually. This friday is my last class :( But then Course 2 starts! That's more using royal icing to make tons of flowers, then you learn the basket wieve techniques, etc. I'm excited! But since I can't get the rose down in icing, we'll be seeing how well I do. Fun times to be had!

I also had a good time seeing my mom and having mexican food with her. Oh we also went to see the movie 9 which was decent. Not a buton film that I'll own, but it's worth renting.

Best get back to work.. or at least a website that looks like I'm working. :) Have a wonderful day everyone! And remember, each day is a new opportunity to improve yourself :)

OOPH! GYM - BREAKFAST = GOODBYE
Sep 25 2009 07:56

Well that was a dumb idea.

I didn't make it down to the gym last night, simply because I was depressed. I'm on this up and down roller coaster of emotions. This whole "life isn't so bad" vs "OMG my life sucks and I just want to cry" whrillwind has been exhausting. Leaves me with the I don't wanna's, especially at night.

My eating has been out of control. Not oober over my maintenance calories bad, but I want to CHEW. Chewing has always helped with stress, and gum doesn't cut it. It has to be a chew/swallow type of activity to really sooth. It's embedded within me. So many handfuls of cocoa puffs and cereal have happened, along with several bowls of ice cream. It just makes me feel better I guess. And I can't freakn drink, so it's all I have. Anyways, yea, I didn't make it to the gym last night.

So this morning I'm like FINE! Fed up. Internet wasn't working anyway so i geared up, grabbed my book, and to the elliptical I went. Bad idea. Super bad idea. I almost fell off :( It came on all of a sudden I just felt HOT and super dizzy, and everything went black. I had to take off my tshirt (i had a cammi under) and lay on the weight bench to find my barrings again. Eff! I'll have to make it back down there later today, but I'll have to eat something and drink plenty of water before then. Heh. I'm not used to working out in the mornings.

Last night Ezra did manage to get me out of the house to take my mind off my bum fest. We went to sports athority and I bought some fancy (dang way too expensive but comfortable) roller blades, wrist guards and knee pads! I tried on every pair of roller blades they had. I almost gave up when I decided to try on the most expensive pair. 160 freakn bucks. All the other blades were pinching at my ankles and SOOO uncomfortable. I was even trying on the guys, and some were smashing the sides of my feet. I have wide feet... so I always go for the guys shoes when purchasing. Anyway, I found me some rollerblades that were super cushioned and supported my foot in all the right spots. I'll have to buy more comfy socks, but these are my new babies. I skated down the isles, and I have some major brushing up to do before I hit the trails. If I hit a rock, I'm going to eat it HARD. There's a lot of up and downs on the trail behind my apartment (it goes for 27 miles) so I'm sure it will be a good workout. Fun fun! 2 of my friends skate, so I'll find someone to join me.

Well I guess I'll get up and make my frosting for my cupcakes. I went with banana cupcakes and cream cheese frosting, but I had a bite last night and they're not tempting AT all. However, Ezra's a sucker for non frosted cupcakes and muffins. I'm more of a chocolate cupcake fan. Regardless :) Cake class tonight!

Cake cake cake
Sep 19 2009 08:50

This was my Friday night... Well most of it anyway ;)

Hey it was my first attempt! I tried :)

Check-in
Sep 06 2009 08:29

SW: 138.5

CW: 126.7

GW: 123

Total Lost: 11.8

Total Left: 3.7