x17star17x's Journal
Stupid FridaysNov 06 2009 08:42
I'm kinda sorta nervous. Okay, I'm SUPER DOOPER nervous. I'm out of work for 4 days straight. When the night falls, I always want to relax with some drinks. I can't do that *sigh* if not for my own health for the sake of my expanding waste line.
I almost stepped on the scale this morning. ALMOST. Like... Close call almost. I don't want to see that number. I'm afraid of it. I just want to focus on eating right, not the dang scale. Why am I so afraid? The girl who HAD to weigh herself on a daily basis, now in total fear of the number? I just.. bleh.. Ignorance is bliss.
Last night ended kinda bad. I told Ezra he shouldn't be with me. I keep trying to push him away, and telling him that I just want to move back to california so I'm not such a burden on his finances. I feel like a mooch to tell you the truth. I just.. I want him happy. And I'm bringing him down. And as much as I love him, I hate seeing him sad over me. It makes me angry. Not sad.. full of anxiety and angry. Then I push and push until I just cry. A huge part of me wants to be held until I combustion, and another part wants to be alone. Just leave me alone. I don't know what I'm doing here, and I don't know why I say those words to him, but I know it changes the way he sees me. It all makes me exhausted.
I'll try to have a good day, but Fridays are the worst! I go through "i should be at work right now" "I cant go shopping today" "I'm trapped in the house" "I can't even eat crap to make myself feel better" "Stupid blisters on my toes don't let me walk far enough" "If I did walk somewhere, it's not like I could buy anything upon destination" "Do I really need to be signing up for cake class? Fondant isn't cheap." "I want to cancel every extra that I have, just so I don't have to cost anything" "I can't binge, because binging is wasting food, causing me to cost more money. But that whole thought depresses me and makes me want to"
GAH! Stupid Fridays.
Can you volunteer for something that both you and Ezra believe in? It would certainly fill your time with something useful and probably help with your mood. There are times in all our lives when we're mooches. At the point where you stop trying to help yourself then it's time to worry. |
Ahhh, I think you are being a little hard on yourself. It isn't like you have always sat around the house and mooched off Ezra. You lost your job, the economy is tough right now, lots of people have lost jobs. I wouldn't consider you a mooch anyways, you are still at least trying to make some money. I hope you cheer up soon because even though I have never really met you I think you are an amazing, talented person! |
Honey, I hear you about finances/lack of work and I assure you that YOU'RE NOT ALONE! I'm working two part-time jobs right now. I just began seasonal work at Kohl's just to feel more useful. The pay is minimum wage and I have a LAW degree but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to help pay bills. Try reading funny books...that seems to help me lots n these hard times. Library books are free! Try: "Are You There Vodka, It's Me Chelsea" by Chelsea Handler or another book called "I was Told There'd Be Cake" Right Now I'm reading "Holidays on Ice" a collection of short stories by David Sedaris. This first chapter is about him working as a holiday Elf at Macy's several years back. He was 30 and that was the only job he could find. As depressing as things are, sometimes it helps to find the humor and realize that things are only temporary. Take things day by day and focus on your overall future. When I was completely out of work I made it by selling things on Ebay and Half.com...old books/random stuff/catalog deals I found online. I was able to make enough money to pay my car note and two nearly maxed out credit card bills. NEVER EVER GIVE UP! |
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