x17star17x's Journal

You girls can eat whatever you want and not get fat.
Feb 14 2008 08:17

Last night was great. My eating was clean, I didn't screw up beyond belief... *sigh* it's such a great feeling.

I was getting on a bad routine. I was eating just to eat. I'd eat when I was absolutely stuffed. Again, I'm not sure why... but I felt good doing it. I felt FULL. There are other things in my life that make me feel full, and that's Ezra, the thoughts of my future, and my job. Success makes me full.. and becoming bloated with fat cells is not my idea of full.

I got a handle on this. Today is great. There's chocolate in the break room at work.. a dove bar. I believe there are 5 squares in the pack for 190 calories. It's in my drawer. Maybe I'll have a piece later.. maybe not. It's valentines day.

My supervisor wouldn't take a chocolate. She said "you girls are all tiny and lucky. you can eat whatever you want and not get fat" I just smiled.

The day to feel all lovey, and I do. I love him. I tell him I love him. He knows I do.

Tonight we will cook steak (filet), baked potatos, and garlic sauteed (sp) green beans, and whatever else gets made. We do have that chocolate and some strawberries in the fridge. Sounds delicious. :)

I smile at the use of "we". A couple. I'm smitten. Haha.

I got a hold on this. Made a light lunch, eating a light breakfast, so I can have a good steak and some potato.

Current weight: 127. You KNOW it ;)

Listening to: Blue October - 18th floor balcony

I close my eyes and I smile
knowing that everything is alright
To the core, so close that door
Is this happening?

My breath is on your hair
i'm unaware that you opened the blindes and let the city in

Gah you held my hand and we stand taking in everythin

I knew it from the start, so my arms are open wide
your head is on my stomach and we're trying so hard not to fall asleep

Here we are, on this 18th floor balcony
We're both flying so high

So we talk about moms and dads
About family pasts
just getting to know where we came from

Our hearts were on display for all to see
I can't believe this is happening to me

And I raise my hand as if to show you that I was yours
I was so yours for the taking

Thats when I felt the wind pick up
I grabbed the rail while choaking up

These words to say, and then you kissed me

I knew it from the start
my arms are open wide
your head is on my stomach and we're trying so hard not to fall asleep

Here we are on this 18th floor balcony, we're both flying so high

And I'll try to sleep to keep you in my dreams until I can bring you home with me

I'll try to sleep and when I do I'll keep you in my dreams. 

Why am I binging?
Feb 13 2008 12:53

Not much to update.

Getting back on track with my diet is tough. I'll be going home with a total of 580 calories consumed. I hope anyway. Then when I get home, I will eat my dinner, and do some laundry, and I will NOT snack all night. I simply wont.

I had a breakdown yesterday. Actually considered vomiting my binge I had going. I got to the restroom and couldn't do it. Ashamed. I ate a taco salad, ice cream sandwich, trix, cheerios, then I broke out the melting chocolate and consumed a couple bags of gummy bears that had a bath in semi sweet morsels. I simply grew disgusted and angry at myself. I'm trying really hard to understand WHY I'm acting like this. I've never done it before. Gotta get back on track.

Focus.

All I need is focus.

And a plan. 

Current weight: 128 

830am, and it's already a long day.
Feb 12 2008 08:30

I dont feel good.

Trix taste like food coloring today. *sigh*

I should be at home. I fell asleep at 8pm yesterday. Woke up at 630am, struggling to get out of bed. Ezra left when I fell asleep. I feel bad for passing out.. I didn't mean to. Ugh.

It's going to be a long day.

PS: I'm hungry. 

Food! You're killing me!
Feb 11 2008 07:50

Christ. I just read my email from Hungry-Girl this morning and they announced that Red Robin released their nutritional information. Mind you, the way I customized my grilled chicken sandwich only made it aprox 400 calories (opposed to its original 900+ calories), but woah. I expected as much. It's nice to see places offering up their nutritional values. I LOVE it when they create customizer ones that allow you to add and remove items from the food itself. :) Red Robin and Chipotle both have these.

Speaking of food, my beloved McDonalds ice cream cone gave me a scare. I always get an ice cream cone from McDonalds, and yesterday I decided to take it home and actually weigh it in my kitchen scale. The nutritional values on McDonalds.com states the ice cream cones 'serving size' is 3.2ozs. So you'd figure the cone would be that 3.2 ozs, right? Well it was far from it. Try 6.3ozs for the ice cream cone. So my innocent 150 calorie ice cream cone doubled in calories once it stepped on the scale. *sigh* I hate finding things out like this.

Did I eat it? Heck yes I did. And I had a bowl of trix after that too! :oP The scale is stable, but this week I'm getting 'clean' and sticking to 1200 calories to see if I can't get this fluctuating 129 off the scale. I seriously think I creeped on an extra 3500 calories and I need to get it off.

Other than fat and food, I feel a cold coming on. My stomach has been feeling flu-ish these past few days, my legs feel all tired and weak, and today my throat is bothering me. Yay? It could potentially be a long week.

Sky diving is on Saturday. I hope it doesn't rain. I wonder if you still jump if it does rain. I should check weather.com to see what's up.

Alright it's finally 8. Time to work!

Skydiving countdown: 5 days

My Horoscope:

Your perseverance in terms of a relationship is finally paying off -- you have given them the time they needed, and made it clear to them that you are interested in them for who they are, not just what they can do for you. So today, you should expect some returns on these investments. It's their turn to show you what they can bring to the table. Let them help you, listen to you, and be there for you. After all, this give and take is what a healthy, honest relationship is all about.

Saving up for boobs.
Feb 10 2008 08:44

I love him <3.

*sigh*

Aside from my mushy lovely feelings this morning, the scale is fine. I mean yea it's up from yesterday (back in the 128 zone) but I'm doing alright. I just need to find a happy medium between weekend 'going out' times, and the weekday. Through the work week I mostly eat frozen dinners and quick made sandwiches. It's really screwed with my digestive system to tell you the truth. All that processed food. I need to get creative and make food that I can freeze and re-heat at work. I'm just so lazy.

I have work to do today, and I totally forgot my travel mouse at work. Working on a laptop is a pain when all you have is the little pad dealy to move around on. So I might run to target pretty soon here, and pick one up so I have one for home and one for work. That should be fun. I don't have to spend any money because I have a heater that I need to return. The heater I bought is fine, but I can't use it at work. I guess the building itself is old and can't handle too much electricity. Work is COLD to the point my joints hurt. I'm all back there in the corner with a blanket wrapped around me. I dont CARE if anyone says anything, because I'm cold dammit. And everyone that's in an office gets a heater.. and theirs doesn't blow breakers, but I dont. :) Aw how bitter sounding am I? I'm hoping to stumble across an energy efficient one so I can keep warm with the rest of the gang.

Alright back to work! Gotta make my extra side money ;) Saving up for me some boobs. I can't wait to get them! 

Saturdays are made for more work.
Feb 09 2008 09:22

Sneekin my way back down into the 127s again. Ah I feel so much more comfortable here. :) This is where I belong.

Today for breakfast I made me a 175 calorie loaded breakfast bagel. Yes, a breakfast BAGEL for 175 calories.

1 Western Alternative Bagel (You can find these at walmart) - 110 caloires
1/2 cup egg beaters - 60 calories
2 tablespoons Miracle Whip FREE - 15 calories

mmmm ;) I know you all are jealous. You could beef it up more with an ounce of ham (30 calories) if you wanted to. I think I'm going to buy ham for such occasions. I'm full of food talk today aren't i?

On the list of things to do today:

1. set up a 'service' appointment for my car. I just hit over my 3000 miles.

2. call skydiving place and make my reservation to jump next saturday (1 week from today)

3. buy some new shoes! ones that I can wear to work on "yay we can wear jeans today" friday. The ones I have a teenage kid shouldn't be seen in. They're SO beat up. But i love my converse. Maybe i'll even buy a brown pair of office shoes too.

Alright I'm off to play in the forums. Getting involved on the boards helps me stay focused.. I love giving advice, even though I can't even get my own things together sometimes.

Happy Saturday! Take it easy everyone. 

This is my health, my well being, and my happiness.
Feb 08 2008 08:54

Scale down to 128. Yay! It's a start.

I bought some of that slow churn ice cream that is 'better' for you at 110 calories for 1/2 a cup. It was seriously good, and my spoon kept making its way into the freezer and right into the container. After a few visits (3), I got so upset at myself for going back that the whole half gallon of ice cream met hot hot water and my garbage disposal. I def found one of my weaknesses, and I'm not allowed to have a half gallon of ice cream in my freezer. Single servings are just fine :)

I was proud of myself for spooning out the ice cream into the sink, and I felt ashamed and embarrassed with it. I don't like finding weaknesses in myself, but who does? I should have taken a photo for you all of my smashed ice cream container. I was upset at it, and myself for having to do it.

Maintaining isn't all easy.. it takes constant focus on what you are consuming, a relaxed running total of your foods, and dedication all the way through. Right after dieting, maintenance was easy. I could eat more than I was before, and I was so used to my small meals that it made things simple. But after you've been in it for a few months, and you let your guard down because you want to enjoy yourself a little more, things can get out of control.

I don't want to turn back, and I wont let food take me back to that miserable state I remember all too well. I plan on staying free! *sigh* This is a lifetime journey.. a great journey, but it's going to have it's ups and downs like any other journey we take through our lives.

This is my health, my well being, and my happiness.

Todays measurements:

Bust: 35 inches

Waist: 27 inches

Hips: 37 inches 

Stuck again.. I remember how this feels.
Feb 07 2008 08:46

still at 129

i ended my day at aprox 1350 calories. i think i'm going to need a few weeks of dieting to get me back down to my 127. heck, my body has allowed me to party a decent amount, so it could have just slowly caught up with me. yea? it's okay if i really do weigh 129, i just would like to get the few pounds off. no biggy. i'm still going to enjoy my valentines day dinner.

ezra and i were trying to decide where to go to dinner for valentines day, when i got kinda sorta stressed. places are booked that are any good (and that i am familiar with), and everywhere else is just strange. so we decided we're going to stay home and cook dinner together (which we've never done before), and I've been wanting some good steak, veggies, and potato. so that's what i'll get ;) i still need to find him a small gift.. something...

i decided no skydiving out of CA for reals. we are going to book a spot to jump out of sedona, feb 16th. my mom told me to send photos. i'll do that.. my older brother is going to be upset that i'm not going, but that's too bad. he can come down this way and jump if he wants to, but i'm not going to put forth the effort to go that way.

Today's food:

2 waffles - 160 cals
2 slices of whole wheat bread - 90 cals
aprox 2oz chicken breast - 50 cals
free miracle whip - 20 cals
rockstar - 20 cals
doritos - 100 cals
apple - 75 cals

sum = 515 calories

Dinner will beeeee.... i dunno yet. Probably a south beach diet pizza (350 cals) and then I'll snack the rest in popcorn and trix (tends to happen). I also made more chocolate covered strawberries that are sitting in my fridge ;)

PS: i got him something ;) 

Back to the grind. Calories calories calories. Let's count them.
Feb 06 2008 07:57

Still hanging in there at 129. Its funny how a few pounds set into your mind will make you appear fatter in your head. I mean I know 2 pounds probably isn't noticeable, but just knowing that its there makes me look in the mirror and just feel huge. this too will pass.

Today I will:

Drink 90+ oz of water (consumed: 68oz)

Eat 1200 calories (no more!)

I'm considering subway for lunch, but I dunno. I had waffles for breakfast (160) and if I got subway as I want it, it will add up to 420 calories (gotta get my baked cheddar ruffles). = 580 calories. I brought a lean cuisine with me to work, but its turkey day at subway! :) 580 isn't too bad... but I know I'm having a south beach diet pizza for dinner (350 calories), so I don't want to go too overboard. I know how bad I've been with snacking at night. Popcorn... mmm popcorn.

We'll see how the day goes, and if my co-worker Windy wants to go to subway with me. Someone will probably make the trip with me...if I want to go.

You know.. I want to take a minute to update this thing on the me of now. I think about life, and I'm feeling really good about it: I have my own bills. Bills suck, yes, yes they do, but having everything in my name just makes me feel on top of the world. Like.. I have complete control over everything. It's my choice to add more bills to the mix if I want. Which reminds me, my taxes still need my help.

I'm happy. As stressful as life is, i'm happy. Ezra and I don't get to see as much of eachother since he started his new job this week. With errands on both ends that need to get done, we have to narrow down our time together. Totally sucks, but I have him in my life, and I can't ask for too much more than that. It's too soon to ask for more.. but I wish I could attach him at my hip and take him with me wherever I go. I just miss his smile.

*sigh*

Valentines day is approaching. I was going to go to lake elsinore and sky dive, but with everyone backing out of the dive itself, I may just skydive out of sedona in AZ.. which will save me time, and gas, and a hotel room cost, etc. I don't really have that kinda money to be taking vacation mid tax season.

We'll see.