xuraiya's Journal

so a few weeks of unsuccess have passed, and then I sort of let myself go. Lots of last minutes spent with friends and a boyfriend who is keen on trying to fatten me up, haha. Also had Senior Breakfast yesterday, in which I ate 2 sausage and cheese jalapeno kolaches, 3 or 4 donuts, a large sausage biscuit, a mini chicken biscuit with honey, and 2 smoothies. Then I felt sick afterward.

Hmm, in any case, I am fatter than I've ever been, and I feel really lethargic and sleepy all the time. Thankfully, I'm about to depart on a whirlwind tour around europe with lots, and lots, and lots of walking. So hopefully that'll be able to jumpstart me into action.

I can't keep counting on events to boost my motivation, though. It has to start with me. I have to find the drive again, the desire again, the energy again. I mean, I thought I had it today, after that dreadful senior breakfast yesterday, but I helped myself to 3 big chocolate bars (grrrrr, the boyfriend) and ice cream again today.

C'mon Sophie, you need to be able to fit into your clothes again...

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So, Prom came and went, and I had a blast!!

I actually bought my prom dress a little too big (on sale, the smallest size available, you know). So, for the past few weeks (since the last journal entry), I've been putting on weight to fit into it. Not exactly in the healthiest way either... lots of ice cream was involved.

Anyway, I think gaining that weight was almost worth it, because I looked much better in my dress in the end than when I first bought it:

 

But, unfortunately, I think I gained more than 10 pounds, and I can't fit into any of my pants. As nice as I thought I looked in that dress, I would like to be able to wear pants again. I've been wearing skirts for TWO WEEKS STRAIGHT, and am now working on my third. AHHHHH!!!!

I also feel horrendously fat when I look down and see fat spilling over the edge of my underwear. Ewwww. I used to have a fairly flat tummy too. *cries*

I stepped on the scale a week ago and saw the number 130, and about fainted. I have never weighed that much before. I'm too scared to go see how much I weigh now, because I know it will be more.

So, I'm trying to get into eating right again (not having a gleeful binge every single day), and working out for an hour every single day.

Well, I ate about half a container of peanut butter out of the jar today, and I fell asleep so I missed my opportunity to exercise today. :( *sniffs* Noooooooo, why?????!!!

*goes and climbs on the treadmill determinedly*

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This weekend, I went over my maintenance calories, I know that. Yeah, what I ate wasn't too healthy... I had a couple of ice cream cones, a few ice cream bars, some macaroni and cheese, some granola bars. But I did a little extra exercise to put a dent in it, and I ended up with only a couple hundred extra unburned calories for saturday and for sunday.

But I got on the scale monday morning, and I'd gained 5 pounds.

Alright, calm down you say, that's probably sodium. Except that my sodium wasn't that high, not five-pounds worth high.

Then, I this morning, I tried on EVERY. SINGLE. PAIR. of pants I own. And none of them, not even the baggy cargo pants, fit. None of them. I was so depressed, I could have cried!

I can't imagine why I would be bloating that much! No, I doubt it's my period coming, because this has never happened before!

It was so disheartening, that I thought I understood this system. Okay I overeat, work out some more and it will cancel out. Apparently not.

Of course, this was so disheartening, that I tempered my frustration by... binging (well, it was my mom's birthday and friend's birthday today, so there was lots of cake/candy/ice cream).

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http://www.collegetoolkit.com/ScholarshipContest/Vote.aspx?U =xuraiya

All students or educators, please vote for my essay! Yeah, that was my college admissions essay, and normally I would feel to embarrassed to have something that personal read by masses of people, but I need that scholarship, so I'm willing to swallow it.

Right now I'm in 10th place, so I need to get a lot of votes... I need to start campaigning, aha.

It's times like these when I wish I were more popular :(

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It's been almost a year since I started C-C, and I'm almost exactly the same weight I was a year ago. All that weight that I lost came right back on, and I'm in the same place I was a year ago, only with a little less motivation than I started off with.

Back to square one, folks.

Well, there is something new--I've developed a binge-eating problem, but I'm hoping that I'm fixing that. Hopefully. We'll see how it goes.

I guess just the very fact that it is almost a year is helping me get motivated again. I mean, this time last year I was taking 40 minute walk/jogs every day, stuck to a 1400 calorie diet balanced in all the food groups (and I burned off anything over 1400 calories with DDR or Budokon or Tae Bo).

Sigh. Well, the only thing I can think of that I've gained through all of this is a deeper understanding of my body, my desires, and health in general. That's something.

Hopefully I'll do better this time around.

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So yesterday, I went prom dress shopping, and because I had trouble choosing which dress I wanted, I bought a few to take them home and ponder over them. I'll return the ones that I don't end up wearing.

I know which dress I think looks best and prettiest in person, but I thought how the dresses photograph are probably equally important. With that in mind, I would appreciate your opinion?

Here are the dresses when you take pictures WITH FLASH:



And without:




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Wow, I come back to the site after a rather long hiatus, and things have changed! What are all these thingies next to everybody's names, where you can send them private messages? What is this about a mailbox? Goodness, Goodness! I hope all of my friends are still here, fighting the good fight and doing well!

Anyway, after gaining 15 pounds over the stressful first semester and a half of senior year, I've been steadily getting back into the swing of things (maybe the lure of PROM looming on the horizon is motivating enough?)

However, I'm tired of "I'M BACK! And this time, for good!" posts that I constantly keep posting, so I'll wait a bit and see how long I last this go around. I feel like a flake when I keep saying that, I want to actually stick to my commitment.

Spring Break was amazinggggg, my family took a group of 5 of my closest friends down to Orlando, and we went to Islands of Adventure, Universal Studios, and of course, Magic Kingdom.



That's me, second from the right in the hat...

Anyway, now that I'm about two months away from the END of senior years, things are looking much more lax, though the feeling is sort of bittersweet...

As for the future...

I GOT ACCEPTED BY YALE

I would worry about the calories in the celebratory dinner we just had... how much do you think is in half of a half-rack of ribs, and two fajitas (flour tortillas) with about 3 strips of meat each, and a fourth of a tortilla soup (with a spoonful of cheese)? Any takers? Any?

I was wait-listed by Columbia, though... I wonder if I should hold out hope?

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My sister had an interview with Phillips, so I tagged along to go snowboarding up north. Snowboarded from 9:00am - 8:30 pm on Saturday! I mean, okay, take away some time for lunch and dinner, and about half of that time was spent on the ski lifts, but still! My entire body is aching, my legs are sore, my arms are sore, it feels divine!

I thought I did awesomely great for my second time ever snowboarding (and the last time I went was only for a day and a half too). I could do the S-curves, and make it all the way down the slopes without falling. Some of the other kids' nasty remarks did not hinder me in the least. Psh, I'm a girl from Texas who's only seen falling snow twice in her life, and being able to snowboard that well for my second time is pretty damn great, so you can stop feeling so superior now, you priveleged north eastern kids who grew up on snowboards!

Anyway, my sugar addiction is really more of a mental addiction than anything else, and that really really struck me this weekend. I ate a few Whoppers (my favorite candy), and found it too sweet, but kept eating it. I was just used to liking the sweetness, my mind couldn't fathom why my body was rejecting it. After finishing the small fun-size bag, I keenly felt the sugar-overload, but I kept wanting to eat more. Another fun-size bag and 2 butterfingers later, I vowed that I wouldn't let my mental addiction rule again over what my body keenly knows it does not want or need. *sigh*

Anyway, my period should be ending soon, so we'll find out what's really at the bottom of all this fatigue.

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Okay, so I've been struggling with my sugar addiction, with mixed results. Right now, after winter break, I am at the highest weight I've ever been in my life and 75% of my clothes no longer fit, but I understand that my weight right now is not necessarily a bad weight (but I would prefer to be able to wear more of my own clothes again). So, first things first, right now I consider my sugar addiction my top priority.

For the past week, I've considered any day a success if I could avoid "refined" sugars, and stick to fruits when I needed my sugar fix. In general, avoiding too many sugars helps keep the binging at bay, and I've been doing okay.

However, a few sweet forbidden pieces have been sneaking their way in, somehow. A few days ago, my friend had some caramel-covered chex mix, and eating a cup of it made me feel a little queasy. That's a good sign. That's what I want, to weaken my immunity to high sugar levels and become attuned to my body's sensitivity to sugar. To be able to literally feel the warning bells go off.

I hope I can keep it up. I caved today when my boyfriend gave me a whole 16 oz Jamba Juice Strawberry Nirvana smoothie, and the whole thing just left me starving (I've found in the past that fruit smoothies always leave me hungrier, so I try to avoid them).... and woozie from the sugar.

On the down side, I have been feeling SOOOOOO tired this week. Impossibly tired, even though I have been getting good sleep! I wonder, is it because of the sudden sugar cutback, or more likely because my period is coming soon?

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after fixating for a while about how I can no longer fit into most of my jeans (all of my "baggy" pants are now getting more snug! SCARY!), I realized that that weight also distributed elsewhere. Like my chest. I have never had breasts this size, always being one of those small-breasted Asian girls. I like them, a lot.

The really amazing thing is that I've had people tell me that I look thinner when I'm really fatter. It's because my larger breasts are making my waist look smaller in comparison. Wow, what a thought.

While I am loving my body right now, it's also making it hard to find good reason to exercise and stay away from the sweets when all I'm thinking is, "these sweets made these amazing boobs, so how bad could they be?"

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