Vent!! Getting sick when I eat and only losing more weight :(

I've been trying to up my intake, but I've been unable to do so because when I try to eat, I get sick. I start to shake really bad, my face gets red and very hot, and then I get so nauseated, I can't stand to even smell food. My mood swings, which went away for a while, are back full forced.

This started happening about last week. I thought that maybe I was coming down with the bug my mom and sister have had even though their symptoms are totally different from mine, but it's obvious that it's not the cause of this. I've been losing more weight as a result, which is not good. I keep worrying that this is the result of something that is physically wrong, but my mom suggested that I'm actually still scared of eating/gaining weight despite how much I shout about getting better, and that it's the stress making me sick, which isn't such a far-fetched idea, I guess.

The truth is that despite how hard I'm trying for this, I'm still terrified. The little progress that I have made has been erased now and I'm back to where I started; I'm kind of ashamed to say that I'm happy about that, and I feel the need to admit that the tears I cried when I gained a pound were not really ones of happiness.

I read the threads here and I see everyone making progress and I'm so happy for those that are managing to gain weight...but I feel so low for myself because I feel like I'll never get there emotionally, and, as a result, I'll never get there physically.

Sorry to be the pessimist. I just feel so down in the dumps today.

I know I am not typically in this forum, but what you are describing sounds a lot like what I was going through when I was getting over my ED. A good portion of your issue probably is stress. I know that was my problem at least (and it still is). But you are a strong girl and I am MORE than confident you are able to get over this. This is just an obstacle you need to overcome to get through this.

When you feel like you're panicing while eating, try this -it at least worked for me- close your eyes and count backwards from ten, then try again. Still worrying? Try again, count down from an even higher number. I know my advice is probably shoddy, but it does helop a lot. Also, with the smell of food issue, (I had that problem a LOT) what I did was put vicks vapor rub under my nose to cancel out the smell of food. You look like charlie Chaplin a bit, but it helps keep you from wanting to puke while your body gets used to trying to eat again.

Don't get so down! I'm rooting for you!! :)

It's okay. Don't worry, and don't feel down in yourself. Make sure you're eating little, dense and often rather than lots of not-so-dense food at first. 

Still, I think if you're physically unable to eat whether anxiety and panic your mum described or something else, you might need words with a doctor - at the very least to explain your symptoms. If your BMI is very low particularly you shouldn't attempt refeeding at home as it can damage your body. I'm going to guess you know what refeeding syndrome is but, just in case: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Refeeding_syndro me

But do not beat yourself up. Go speak with someone if it is truly, truly a struggle. And if you have trouble with payment, or anything like that, try looking here: ANRED, with a list of ways to get help and treatment while without insurance, or Treatment: How Will I Pay?

Keep pushing those voices back. You have a right and will to get better just as we all do.

Also, those relaxation techniques look and sound good. I'd never have thought of vapo-rub, though I guess the smell of eucalyptus can be calming. Lavender works for me.

direwolf689: Thank you for the tips and your encouragement, I will definitely be trying these tonight. I have some Vicks in the medicine cabinet :) Thank you!

lalabanana: Thank you, too, for your tips and support. When I first started taking weight gain seriously, I started adding small things to my usual eating schedule, like chick peas to my nothing-but-raw-veggies salad, for example. I was doing okay at first with the small stuff, but it got to a point where I knew I had to start adding more and more things, and I started to think of all of the foods to come like peanut butter and bread and I started running scared more and more often when I thought of myself actually bringing back the foods I've blacklisted over the past 8 years. It still seems so impossible to me! My BMI right now is at the lowest it's ever been and I think that it does play a role in why I can't eat along with the stress. I am aware of refeeding syndrome, but I never studied it in depth, so thank you for that link! It shed a lot of light on the subject for me. I know that I should go to a doctor about this instead of just get on the internet and whine about it; I have been wanting to go see a professional for a long time, now, but I feel so guilty about asking to go because my mom is struggling to get by right now financially and I'm not even insured. But the link you posted might be able to help with that, so I'm going to go check it out right now! Thank you again :)

Quite welcome. You're making the right steps by adding small but dense things to food (and who doesn't love chickpeas <3), don't be scared of them. Remember, in recovery, any food is good food and you just need to aim for moderation of everything and a balance to wean yourself off of calorie counting (beyond counting to make sure you're eating enough. But it's a process). Still, I do hope those links help you and your mum out. I'm lucky enough to live in a country with free healthcare, so I hate reading about people who can't get adequate help because it costs so much. :[ Still, take it easy and aim not to panic. If you can, perhaps, try eating while talking with your mum? A distraction may make it easier for you to focus on something else and thus not panic than think in depth on what you're eating.

You ARE lucky to have free healthcare! Hopefully our new president will help get something started to help people out and I'm hoping I don't sound so naive in stating that! I looked over the websites and printed out the info. My mom's been looking over it; she hasn't said much about it, but I know better than to ask her what she's thinking because she's a deep thinker and it takes her a while to draw her conclusions. But hopefully something in it will work out. I'm keeping my fingers crossed anyway :)