vent: upcoming weekend with nosy weight-obsessed mother-in-law

I'm sure that my mother-in-law means well.  Or at least, I hope she means well.

But this woman is OBSESSED with weight.  Not just her own weight (which she complains about constantly, though she's maybe 105 pounds soaking wet) but everyone else's.

This is the woman who has asked me "How much do you weigh now?" every time she has talked to me ever since I was pregnant with my son.  I always answer "I don't know" and change the subject.  She never gets the hint.  Next time I talk to her, she'll ask "How much do you weigh now?"

This is the woman who said to me, hours after I gave birth through a grueling 24-hour labor that ended in an emergency C-section: "Are you sure they got everything out?  You still look pregnant."

This is the woman whose best friend called my husband, concerned, because my mother-in-law had been consumed with worry that my son, who was six months old at the time, was much too fat and doomed to a lifetime of obesity.  She was so worried about this that she couldn't stop talking about it, even when her friends were reassuring her that he was a perfectly normal weight baby.  (My husband did a good job of telling her to butt out and asked her to see her doctor for her anxiety issues--supposedly her doctor says she has no anxiety issues, to my amazement.)

This is the woman who compulsively gossips about the weights of family members, friends, my husband's old classmates, whoever--always negatively. 

And of course, she's also super-critical of her own weight, always on a diet, always complaining that she's soooooo fat, etc. etc. etc.. 

And yet, this is the woman who brought FOUR tins and a giant platter of cookies to our house for Christmas, then ALSO made a gingerbread house, blintzes, and all sorts of other sugary crap while she was visiting--most of which ended up being thrown away because I don't like sweets and my husband only rarely eats them. 

This is the same woman who fixes dinners swimming in grease whenever I visit her house. And then she watches me like a hawk, comments on whatever I'm eating or not eating, asking hopefully "Are you on a diet?" with a glint in her eye, hoping that I'll say "yes" because that answer, for some reason, would mean so much to her.  Her hints, her attitude, all of it practically begs for me to say to her that I'm fat. 

So, when she was here over the holidays and found out that I had joined a gym, I had to endure hours of interrogation over my workouts.  What did I do?  What cardio machines did I use?  For how long?  And what weight machines? How many repetitions did I do?  And for that other weight machine, how many repetitions for that?  How many calories did I think it burned?  Was it tiring?  Did I shower there or at home?  What kind of soap did I use? How much did I weigh?

Needless to say, I do not enjoy spending time with her. I also do not want her to know that I'm watching my calories, or that the real reason I'm going to the gym is for weight loss.  If I admit that I'm trying to lose weight, she will turn it into some sort of bizarre competitive thing, as well as fuel for family gossip. So, in regards to my gym membership, I've been using the more nebulous term "fitness" with her, and pretending that I want to get in shape to possibly join this athletic team some friends of mine are in (which wouldn't be bad, actually, but I don't have time for it).

Now, I am roped into an unavoidable weekend visit with her.  I can try to go jogging to keep up my workout schedule, though this will mean getting the third degree.  Same goes for eating tiny portions--I can do it, but will be interrogated about it.  I'd really like for her to just butt out of all this, period.  How can I tell her, politely but firmly, and without sounding as defensive as I feel, that my eating & exercise habits are none of her damn business and will she shut up about it already?  

Poor poor you! But you are lucky that she will be there for only a weekend.. Mine usually stays for couple of weeks and it is pure hell!!
Dont really have any good advice for you but everytime she talks about weightloss, just think about something else..
Goodluck

Flip it on here. Oh what are you doing? blah blah blah...

Talk about her. And if that doesnt shut her up confront her with her obsessive behavior is not healthy and she should talk to someone about the possibility of being OCD or eating disordered.


I find that its always easier to be more annoying and make them not want to talk to you when they are THIS NUTS.

I hope you have valium...or at least a good wine.

;)

First of all I am soooo sorry that you have a MIL obsessed with weight.  Your husband was correct, she needs to get medical help.  I had one that was similar though not quite as bad.  I finally told her she was rude (and yes, I used those words) and that it was none of her business what I ate or weighed.  It did cause a little tension in the family and I did discuss it with my husband before I did this but you cannot live your life feeling this way.  Remember, what she says and does will soon be observed by your child and remembered!  Talk to your husband about setting limits with her and then you must stick to them even if it means getting up from the dinner table and going home.  She will eventually get the picture and not do this in front of you and your child.  You can't change her behavior forever though.  Remember that. 

Hmmm, maybe I'm not as nice as you are but the last paragraph of your post sums it up nicely :-) Maybe try to reword it a little bit.  That you appreciate her concern but she makes you feel pressured and you really don't feel that it is any of her business.  Assure her than when and if you want to talk to someone about it she will be the first person you call.  You don't have to mean that statement (and I'm not one for lying) but it may spare some feelings.  My grandmother is like that.  She's 84 and ornery so I let her get away with it now, but used to when I gained a little weight she would always ask me, quite sarcastically, "did you get yourself pregnate?"  It wasn't fun, but I love her lol  You just shouldn't have to take it.  Explain some more to your husband and maybe he can put his two cents in.  I dont' know, but I hope you got a little something out of what I said.  Good luck!

Sounds like my grandmother. I love her, I do, but she is just so shallow. Growing up she always compared me to my cousins and talked about how pretty and skinny they were. I've always been fit and thin, but they were always skinnier and had the boyfriend. It was hard because she wasn't the typical grandmother trying to get a little meat on my bones and everything. Thankfully I am over it now, but it definately got to me.

Wow - she really sounds like a royal pain in the ***!!!

It is such a difficult thing. My mother in law is obsessed over my children, how I dress them, what they eat, where they school. It got to a stage she was "absent minded" calling my eldest son by my husbands name - I think she thought he was hers!!!!

 

She is a good woman with a good heart, dont get me wrong just drives me a little nuts in some areas and you cant say anything otherwise she cries for days on end and you are the daughter in law from hell.

 

So....what did I do?? I moved from South Africa to Belfast!! lol

 

As for what you are going to do...two choices, be straight up about how you feel and draw the line - but be prepared for the fall out from that OR try and change the subject and endure the weekend as best you can.

 

ALL THE BEST OF LUCK TO YOU!! 

 

You poor, poor thing....

I'm afraid there is absolutely nothing you can say to her. She won't listen. It should be up to your husband to talk to her. Only this could work, trust me! Tell him that you want him to talk to his mother - and he should do that as many times as necessary.

You're lucky that the hubby is on your side, you know? :) So many times I've seen husbands absolutely refusing to go and talk to mommy about anything important like that. They just wanted to be left alone, they didn't want to get involved in any conflict concerning mommy...

I'm just as lucky as you are. My mother in law isn't weight-obsessed. She simply hates me. Period. And I'm not exaggerating, honestly! She hates my guts for taking her only child away from her (even though she had him when she was 16 or 17, and always blamed him for ruining her life. She was never a loving mother). We got married when he was 35, so probably she thought he'd never get married (LOL she even told the entire family that he was gay...) and all of a sudden I appeared. I'm too young (16 years younger than my hubby), too educated, my family is too rich (they're not!), and generally I'm the worst possible wife for her son. I was trying to be nice for the sake of my husband, and for a few months after we got married I had to endure her snide comments, and her attitude. I was really trying - until the day I found out what she said about my baby. The thing is, I met my hubby online, and after two years I finally came to Canada to be with him. A month after we got married I found out I was pregnant. We lost the baby after 6 weeks... And my mother-in-law said that it was better this way, because probably I came to Canada pregnant and I was trying to pass the baby off as her son's. Well, that was pretty much the end of it. I haven't seen her since - over two years now, even though she lives 5 km away. And my hubby only talks to her when he has to. They had a huge fight about the way she's been treating me, and because she was too stubborn and stupid to recognize the seriousness of the situation, she wouldn't shut up. She she lost her son. Simple as that.

I don't miss her, trust me!

That's why I'm saying that the only person that can do anything with your mother-in-law is your son.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you, dear. I know what you're going through! Hang in there - and hopefully the hubby will take care of it soon.

Good luck!

agaffka

OMG that's horrible!  I thought I had it awful cause my mil is unstable.  We were just fixing to move her in with us because she's very sick, physically and mentally, but she went crazy on her son, kicking him between the legs three times because he wanted to hang up our shot glasses that we've collected from all over, my little faries and dragons were evil and ungodlike (we are a God fearing family so that really p*ssed us off) and she said that we weren't going to have anything like that in HER house.  Funny thing is, she has NO income, we were supporting her, buying everything, including the house.  So like I said, I feel sorry for her, but she's a scary lady. She went to her brother and told him that his nephew had beat the hell out of her and this huge rigamarole.  It's not over yet, but I can't say I miss her.  I worry about her, but nope, don't miss her.

Thanks, all of you, for the support and advice! 

And it also helps to know that there are others who are dealing with the same issues--or worse.  Thank you for sharing your stories.

You all are scaring the CRAP out of me...I don't have a MIL, yet, but these are all horrible stories! Were these women all pretty crazy before-hand or only after you married their sons? My BFs mom SEEMS pretty nice, and I've known her almost two years. Probably the crazy would be out of the bag by now, right?

Apophenia - I would tell her to stick it where the sun don't shine...but that's me.  

You know, life is really challenging, and I think some people find one thing that they can be really good at and obsess over it - she's obviously done this with weight. It consumes her life, which shows some psychosis, eh?! I've worked with eccentric people in a volunteer setting, and the best tools I've found are to politely and repeatedly remind them of the positive -- "Health is more important to me than weight, and weight is only one factor. Emotional, relational, educational and nutritional health are all priorities for me." Then switch the subject to educational priorities, lol, and tell her what you're teaching your kids! :-D As far as tiny portions, one thing I've had to do in weight loss is 'redefine full'. 'Full' to me was 'stuffed'. But that was a wrong definition! So now my definition of 'full' is 'when my body's had a sufficient amount of nutrition entered into it,' and though I might not be 'satisfied,' I am 'full!' So when you get to the end of your portions, and she questions you, just look her in the eyes and say "I'm full :-)." When you go jogging, just say, "I need to get some energy out!" So 1) politely remind her of life's real priorities, and 2) find creative ways to stay away from the 'diet' subject. Just my thoughts...sounds like you've got a real challenge on your hands!

cscgrl

Don't sweat it too much and yes it would probably be out of the bag.  My hubby's mom was always a little wiggy from the get go.  But I love him and he loves me so putting up with a little (or a lot) of crazy is worth it.  Plus when she was going to move in with us she wanted me to go on the "green bean" diet with her along with turning everything else upsidedown. Bleah, I like green beans but morning noon and night?  I like how I'm doing it right now, so maybe it's better that she showed more true colors early on. 

Don't know whether this will help, but my advice is to not reward bad behavior.

If she asks a question she shouldn't ask, don't answer it. One way to do this -- not answer the question -- is to ask one in reply. My favorite is, "Why do you want to know?" (or, "Why on earth would you ask such a thing?" with one or both eyebrows raised if you are feeling brave or outraged). Many people do not have an answer for that; when they do, it's often along the lines of, "Just curious," to which I reply, "Oh." before changing the subject.

Another technique is to answer the question you thought should have been asked, or one that you want to answer, whether related to her topic or not. If "How many reps did you do?" is the question, your answer can be, "I had a good workout; thanks for asking! I feel great. Let's play cards!" Okay, sometimes you may end up with an exchange like,

"How many reps did you do?"

"Yes, I'll bet Mrs. Clinton IS really annoyed about Kennedy endorsing Obama!,"

or

"That's a small portion; are you on a diet?"

"You know, I was just thinking about the wide variety of foods that are available to humans. Locusts, for example, are supposed to be delicious and high in protein. Have you ever tried one?"

but that can be part of the fun. :-D

I know it can be wearying; you might want to give yourself 10 points every time you deflect a question, so that you start seeing them as opportunities to rack up more points!

Regarding her gossiping about others in the family, that is something you don't have to tolerate, and there's a perfectly polite way to deal with it. When she says something negative -- about a person's weight or whatever -- you can raise your hand to interrupt her, smile (kindly but with that glint of steel in your eyes.... you know the look. Oh, yes, you do, too! Think back to when you were a teenager and were just about to step out of bounds with your mother. Yeah, that's the look.), say, "Stop! He is a wonderful man; I have never heard him say anything negative about you, and I simply cannot bear to hear him talked about so!"

And then talk about the weather, or something kind someone did, or ask your MIL what she thinks about the board of education in her area, or some such.

If that doesn't work or help you deal with her, I suggest water balloons. You might as well find out just how much she really DOES weigh soaking wet!

Steki, what awesome advice!  Thanks!

Cscgrl04, it's kind of complicated.  My MIL was always a bit odd, and a bit nosy, but bearable.  She only really got out of control as soon as she found out I was pregnant.  Something about becoming a grandmother just sent her anxiety through the roof, and made her even nosier because she can justify it by thinking it's "for the good of her grandson" now.  She kind of went off the deep end and stayed there.  My husband has had the "back off" discussion and the "we'll ask for your advice if we want it, otherwise, butt out" discussion and the "we have our own son's best interests at heart, thank you very much" discussion with her, but she still has trouble controlling her anxiety/OCD-ish behavior.  I can't believe that her doctor doesn't see it, but I also suspect that she hasn't actually talked to him about it, even though my husband asked her to.

Also, when I had a baby, it sort of cemented me in the family, in her eyes, so now that makes her think that she's entitled to be in every last bit of my personal business.  To her, that's what family does--they get in your business, stay in your business, and poke around in your business all they want.  And certainly, her family is very much that way--part of growing up and living in a flyspeck town where no one has anything to do but get in each other's business.

To me, no one gets into my business unless I invite them in--and she's definitely not invited because she brings too much crazy with her.

"Are you sure they got everything out?  You still look pregnant."

You DID answer, "No, I'm renting out my uterus to Satan for a few weeks, so *cough* things had to be implanted after the baby came out," didn't you?

Oh my gosh, Athena, you posted while I was posting... and you made me laugh so hard!  Thank you!

Maybe I should play a discreet game of MIL Bingo, with a card that has her usual stock of questions and remarks, so I can check them off as she says them.  And instead of shouting "bingo!" I can just throw water balloons at her.  LOL!

 

Athena,

That is awsome advice.  I'm definitely going to remember that one in the future, not just for family, but perhaps some friends that tend to get a bit busy bodyish.  If someone can't support wanting to be healthier w/o criticizing harshly, they need to be put in their place.

Original Post by athena_tavener:

"Are you sure they got everything out? You still look pregnant."

You DID answer, "No, I'm renting out my uterus to Satan for a few weeks, so *cough* things had to be implanted after the baby came out," didn't you?

 HA!  If I could have come up off that bed to strangle her right then and there, I would have, believe me!  Too bad I was too worn out to muster a witty reply like that one...

apophenia, lol!! MIL Bingo -- you could make a fortune!!!

Oh gosh... that stinks!

My MiL and SiLs are all super skinny. The SiLs make a point of lounging by the pool in bikini's when I come over. Oh well, I may be chubby but at least I have boobies!

My MiL hates me cold but only once has ever admitted this to my face. She ordinarily is too well bred to be anything but polite in front of me. Apparently well bred people are allowed to spew venom as long as the person isn't within earshot. Our last exchange went like this.

They come for dinner two weeks before thanksgiving. Everything seem pleasant, they said they had fun, we'll see you are Thanksgiving dinner

Next morning: call my husband. "That wife of yours is controlling you, we hate her blah blah, oh you're uninvited to Thanksgiving."

We make other plans for Thanksgiving.

Day before Thanksgiving: "You are coming tomorrow, of course? What? No, why would you think we hated her. I never said that! I guess we understand if you made other plans, you wouldn't want to be rude to your hosts."

Day after Thanksgiving: "How could you miss Thanksgiving? Don't you care about us at all??"

ARRRRRGH!