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Venting (ED fears)

Hey everyone, Ive been using this site for about a year. I started at 120lbs, at 5'0ft. I managed to meet my goal weight, which was 90lbs. When I reached my goal, I had become a bit obbsessive, thus reaching a weight of 80lbs for the majority of the summer.

I got help.

But now, I struggle everyday. I am back to about 90-95 lbs, it fluctuates. During my time gaining weight back, (which was so difficult) I seem to have developed binge-like tendencies. I'm scared that these tendencies are going to overwhelm me. I hate my body right now, I feel huge. I am 93 lbs.

I just don't know what to do. Somedays I am healthy, somedays I starve, somedays I binge. I usually eat about 800 cals per day when I say I am being healthy. Up to 2500 when I binge. Starving consists of diet coke and water and tea.

I just want to be happy and healthy again.

Hi Nikixx, it is common when recovering from anorexia to flip over into binge eating, it is the body's way of attempting to get what it needs, for a long time your mind was able to control your body and by doing this it damaged your body, now your body is exerting some control and 'forcing' you to eat. You are still very underweight for your height, are you still having help?

It is likely that when your body establishes a regular eating pattern and healthy weight, the binges, which are very distressing, may subside. 

You have done brilliantly to gain back some weight, but your body knows that in order to function properly it needs you to eat more and perhaps gain some more...that is the route to long term health and happiness...remember that at 80lbs you were not happy, you were miserable, true happiness and body satisfaction does not lie there.

Take care and add me to your friends lists if you'd like to. You really aren't alone in this.

Hugs x

I am scared.

I don't want to weigh over 95lbs ever. But I know I am not healthy. I havent menstrated since April. Sometimes I think I am healthy. Today I ate dinner. Which is a big step. I ate a REAL dinner.

But I get so over whelmed. I can't control myself.

I know it feels as though you can't control yourself, binges can feel completely out of control, as though you aren't really even there, you're on automatic pilot...they happen as a response to being controlled too rigidly the rest of the time...

I can hear that you are really scared, petrified even, you have set yourself a limit of 95lbs, that you don't ever want to go over...but you also know that isn't healthy, if you aren't menstruating then your body is struggling to maintain the rest of your organs too...that is a serious risk to your health - is it worth it? I wonder what you imagine would happen if you were 96lbs? What do you think that would say about you? How do you think that would that feel?

It's great that you ate dinner today, you should feel very proud of yourself, I have a sense of heroism around that!

thank you so much for talking to me. i feel like u actuially are understanding me, not jsut judging me.

can i just ask you how you know so much? is there a book or something i should get and read to help understand myself better?

does it get any easier? im scared that i will let myself go.

I'm a counsellor for people with eating disorders, and I have some personal experience myself a long time ago.

It does get easier...but it's a journey, you won't find the answers in any books, you already have all of the answers inside of you, I believe that, and I also know how important it is to get support in that, do you have a counsellor?

The best advice I can probably give you is about being patient with yourself, getting better from anorexia doesn't happen overnight, the first step is gaining weight - without that your mind isn't able to function properly and that will hinder your healing.

I'm not judging you, I appreciate how hard it is to be where you are, I'm happy to talk to you!

Right now the fear of 'letting yourself go' is huge, one day that may change to a desire to heal and be healthy, outside and in...that's not letting yourself go, that's holding your self and letting go of a destructive part of yourself (anorexia) that may feel like a supportive friend right now, but really really isn't. 

My mom has a history of anorexia.

Last year in August, my father passed away. 2 Weeks later, I went away to school. I was away from home, and surrounded by changes, I couldn't control anything. I found this site, I wanted to only lose a few pounds. One thing led to another. I started to challenge myself, to see how little I could eat. By March, I was eating 200-400 calories per day. No one knew. In late April, I went home from school. At a mere 85 lbs, I was frail. My hair started to fall out, I lost my muscle mass, covered in laungo. I hated to go swimming, I was embarassed of my body. My family became concerned. My mom knew I was sick. No One said anything. Mid-July hits, I am 78-80lbs, and hardly eating. I wanted t get better, But I could not eat. I was disgusted by food. I would only eat 200 calories before I worked at my two jobs. I would be mad when I ate this much, and lift as much as I could, runa round, vaccum, do ANYTHING at work to assure I was burning calories. At 5 ft tall, loosing 5 lbs is very noticeable. I was tiny. Shrinking.

I went to my doctor. He was so happy I went. He didn't make me feel guilty, or anything. I was mad at first. When he asked me If I was bulimic, I got so offended. I didnt even admit to the anorexia. I still dont. For some reason, it felt better to talk it out. I've only been to counselling once.

It sounds as though you may have learned some of your mums patterns and relationship with food, and it is significant that she 'didn't say anything', anorexia can be a very 'hidden illness', it can be many things including a way of communicating your distress without feeling you are drawing attention to yourself or burdening anyone....only hurting yourself.

 You have good insight into how your need to control food/weight relates to feeling that your life is out of control. It might be important to look at ways of feeling more in control and stable in your life so that food/weight take on less significance.

Denial is a common anorectic trait..do you accept that you have anorexia now?

Is it possible to go back to counselling? What made you stop?

I don't like to admit it. but I know I do.

You are a counsillor, so I am sure you understand my confusion. Somedays I want to get better, somedays I wish I was 80lbs. Even when I felt like hell, I still felt good, strong. In contradiction, I was weak, and alone.

I stopped going because I went back to school. Which is away from home. I know I shouldn't have. I don't like people knowing here though. It's personal. I am sure they do know though. Most people know, they do not say anything though.

The confusing thing about anorexia is exactly as you describe it, you feel both strong and weak...but those feelings are illusions...REAL strength comes from facing and accepting your problem, which means also accepting the possibilty of your vulnerabilities, your weakness, your grief, your anger, your helplessness...there's an old saying about how it takes a very strong person to show their weaknesses.

An anorectic lifestyle is very lonely, at times it can feel that you ant that so that you can protect your desire not to eat, so that you can stay in control, but this just creates a personal hell..it may feel safe but it really isn't, it's very dangerous. I imagine people will know, and have noticed, but they are scared.

Could you see a school counsellor? There is no shame in seeing a counsellor, it is a very brave step.

I suppose I could.

Im frightened.

Do you think you could tell me about your encounters with eating disorders?

I know you're frightened, you feel more than frightened to me...and there is no underestimating how frightening this is.

What would you like to know? 

What type of ED was it? Would you consider yourself fully recovered? How long di dyou have it for? What was your age?

Also, I knowI shoul db eeating 1600 calories per day, but that seems un realistic. Do you have any comments on that?

thank you so much by the way, this means so much to me

It was anorexia/bulimia, started when I was 12. A bit like an alcoholic I don't think I will ever be 'recovered', because I will always have a relationship with food (everyone has to to stay alive!), and I will always have a relationship with myself...BUT...I am recovered in that I have a healthy relationship with food, and with my body, I value myself for more than what the scales read, I don't think I will be 'better' by being a different weight, I still watch my weight to a degree, but that is so that I can be fit and healthy not skeletal...and I am healthy enough to help others. It took a longer time to recover emotionally than it did physically (years).

1600 calories will feel massive right now and if you eat that you will probably put on weight for a little while - but that's just your body attempting to heal itself, soon you will have so much more energy, climbing a flight of stairs won't feel like everest, you will gradually regain that lost muscle mass and redefine your figure...at first you might feel 'fat', but you won't be, you'll be a healthier weight, and the extra energy will help you to exercise to build muscle, to focus and to live freely. 

i feel huge right now. And I was eating 1200 calories per day for 2 weeks. I gained 3lbs. Freaked out. Starved myself. Back to 87. I set my scale 5 lbs ahead, so I never truly weigh what I think. Recently, I have been afraid to step on the scale.

Do you mind if I ask you your weight/age now? You dont have to answer if it is too personal.

The reality is that you aren't huge! You are underweight.

It sounds as though it feels important to you to know my weight/age, are you seeking some kind of reassurance?

yes. im sorry that is rude of me.

im so sorry honestly.

It's not rude, it's a valid question...it's something I get asked alot...but I will always wonder about what the question represents.

Was the 'yes' to reassurance? Do you want to know whether I am overweight?

Yes to the reassurance.

Everyone tells me, be healthy, and you will be happy. I do not think i would be happy if I am at the 'healthy' weight for me, which is 103-125lbs

I am the same height as you and I am within that healthy weight range...and I am happy...not because I am within that range but because I have dealt with the issues in my life that made me think the only way to be happy was to be underweight...I found that the only way to ensure misery and mental distress was to ensure that I stayed anorexic. I believe that emotional health follows physical health, all of the time that you compromise your physical health you sacrifice your emotional health. 

i feel like i am talking to my mom right now.

she is the same height as me. and now she is in the healthy range. and she looks beautiful.

im sorry if i seemed offensive before.

thank u so much for your help