I am very sad and I want to know if anyone else understands...

I have been trying very hard to lose weight. I have been pretty successful to this point. I am down 20 and very proud of that. I have this great husband who I never fight with and all of a sudden last night we have this huge fight and I cant believe what he said to me.  He actually thinks that because I am trying so hard to lose weight that I must be seeing someone else! I could not believe my ears. I am losing weight for myself only cuz I want to be healthy and feel better about my myself and it would be nice to look good for my husband as a bonus. We decided we werent going to have anymore children so I thought now is the perfect time. He thinks i have someone at work and I have secret phone calls, he went as far as to go through my work bag. This is not like him AT ALL! never jealous, never snoops, never accuses, Nothing. We have always had complete trust in each other. SO why now is he doing this? he knows where I am at all times. Work, home or hockey. I answer every phone call, I always tell him where I am going or what I am doing out of respect, not cuz he asked me to. I go in a different room on the phone because he is watching tv and I dont want to be disrespectful and talk over his show. he says I dont pay any attention to him anymore and I ignore him and i dont spend any time with him. IT IS NOT TRUE! i love him very much and I tell him that every single day, at the end of every phone call and a kiss him like 100 times a day. I feel so sad about this I am at a loss. This came out of nowhere. Does he really think if I lose weight I am going to find someone better? To me there is no one better. He loved me the way I was....all 216 pounds of me. That means more to me than any other man who wouldnt give me a second glance a couple months ago but would be looking at me if was skinny. i married him because I knew he was perfect  for me. If I thought there was someone better I would have never said I do. He is it for me, why is he doubting that now and how can I reassure him?

This is, sadly, one reaction that some spouces have when the other starts to take care of themselves.

He is probably very comfortable the way you look, he may be worried about other men going after you, but he shouldn't have said that for sure.

I can only imagine the shock you are feeling, I can really tell through just your message that you're in a lot of dispair right now.

I would recommend a talk with him again tonight, write a list of things about how what he said made you feel, and include a lot of what you told us here. 

I also find it a little odd that he never displayed this behavior before this.  He might be feeling insecure because he feels unattractive, or you're "rubbing it in his face" that he needs to get healthy for YOU.  Men are odd creatures sometimes =)

It will be okay.............the two of you need to talk

I'm in the flip flop situation... except here's the thing.. my wife is super hot even after having our three kids.   Still, she's never really complained about my weight .. even when I was 235.

I think you just need to re-assure him that he's the only man for you and that you find other men revolting.   I sometimes worry about how beautiful my wife is and how she may be approached by other guys but after 9 years of marriage it's time to relax and know she's my wife for good.

So just re-assure him of his status in your life.  Maybe you are talking to him a lot and kissing him but are you spending quality time with him?  Also open up, tell him how disgusted you are with what you let your weight turn into and how you are so happy he's stuck with you through the higher weight times and that you want to be around the long haul of life for him, your kids, and to feel good and healthy and not always so dragged down by the weight.   Tell him, you don't want to die of a heart attack or have other health complications due to higher weight and end up requiring expensive care or worse... dieing early in life.

I think communication is needed here.


Also something else... if I undereat I find this often makes me cranky.


You are doing so well on this life change... keep it up!

WOW - you're husband is feeling very insecure and threatened. 

First, you can't let him act that way.  Tell him he has to trust you, that if he doesn't, there are bigger problems and maybe you two should talk to a counselor about that.

Second, just keep reassuring him.  Tell him this isn't about anyone else, it's for you, and, to a much smaller degree, him and your marriage.  You don't have to understand women to know they want to be thinner.

Is your husband out of shape?  Maybe ask him if he wants to work on getting healthy with you.  Walk together.  Or do something entirely unrelated - I think it is important for a couple to have a thing that they do together that is unrelated to their regular life and their kids - it could be dance lessons or bowling or a stupid continuing education class like sculpting - something you both are doing as a fun thing together.

The thing is he is a very good looking man and is in excellent shape. He has not in anyway overweight, he is muscular and looks good. I would of thought he would be happy if I lost the weight. I really think he doesnt want me to lose. He keeps trying to feed me BAD stuff and tells me he loves me how I am. He says my weight doesnt change the person I am on the inside  and I am beautiful to him matter how much i weigh. He doesnt understand I will be happier at a healthier weight. I have a long way to go and his support would be so nice. i want to hear i am proud of you not I am cheating! I cannot stop crying. I feel like I am doing something wrong and I am not. i just want to be healthy and happy.

My boyfriend acts like this sometimes. I have lost 65 pounds and he sometimes thinks that I am doing it for someone else. I am doing it for myself. I tell him that, and I am finished with fighting him over it. If he doesn't want to believe you, then there isn't much you can really do.

I do spend quality time with him. During the week I am pretty busy and so is he. He comes home and plays in his garage and I am usually in the house doing all my mon duties. I go out there constantly just to say hi or whatcha doin, give him kisses or whatever. The weekends we spend together practically inseparable. We are fixing up the house so we are always out picking out new things, having lunch or just hanging out in the yard. We do everything together. We even grocery shop together. We are the best of friends. We dont even go out with other people without each other. that is how it has always been. We never had trust issues EVER! We have always had great communication, we talk about everything and we just hang out at night and talk all the time. We always say how nice it is to be with someone you can trust. It is a great feeling...now that has changed cuz I lost a few pounds? Men...what would make you feel better if you were my husband?

Same here my boyfriend used to tell me that all the time when I would attemp to start losing weight. Now he's in the fight with me and its so much better. All u can do is prove it to him in the long run that U already married that man that u love.  And if your man needs some shapin up get him involved with u. Make it a team effort.  Good Luck!! 

I can really understand why you're so hurt.  When we invest so much of our lives, time, energy, money, have babies with someone... and they turn around and insult us, it's Cruel.

I don't think I need to tell you that his behavior is scary and very controlling.  If you have truely never given him a reason to distrust you, then why would a logical person say those things?

I hate to suggest more, but has he given YOU reason to believe HE is cheating?  He could be projecting his own guilt onto you.  Just something to think about...

If his behavior continues, you should definately suggest couples counsiling.

There is nothing wrong with losing weight to look better and be healthy.  If he is more worried about you having sex with someone else, than your happiness and health, something is seriously wrong.

I totally get that the thoughts may cross his mind, but that does not ever give him the right to voice them.

Just talk to him some more about this.  Tell him that you need his support.

Your husband seems a lot like my wife.  She's perfectly fine with the way I look right now.   She's also sometimes a bit nervous about the times I do go out and do stuff without her... even if I take a couple of the kids with me.   But i try my best to let her know how much I'm in love with her and how beautiful she is to me... and i also had a full brake down one night with her just telling her how bad I felt for how much I let myself go and how I want to be around for her and our kids.  That i want to be a more active husband and father.

So far she's better about it all... but I think when you have someone in your life that you love so much and has become such a big part of you... well... you naturally worry a bit because it is so good.

I dont believe for second that he is cheating on me. Nope. He wouldnt do that. He was married once before and was cheated on and looks down on that more than I can explain. I have never given him a reason to distrust either. I dont know if his past insecurities are coming out or what. OR the fact that my brothers wife was over 300 pounds and had gastric bypass and now that she is skinny she left him for another man on thier 1 year wedding anniversary which was on Sunday and my brother has been over crying on our shoulders. Maybe that planted the seed? our 1 year anniversary is in July.

*big hugs* kcnae3 please dont cry. I know its hard to take but you have to keep your chin up.

Everything that everyone has posted is right........you need to talk, dont get discouraged cause of him, you have goals and thats good.

Just talk to him & see what happens

Umm it's possible, since he was cheated on in the past, there were some "patterns" he noticed before and is noticing now, or "believing" he is seeing.

Maybe his ex-wife lost weight before she cheated, I don't know for sure.  But this does seem like it's about him, not about you personally.  Though it's easy to take it personally.

I am trying. I thought he would feel bad and call me by now, but he hasnt. Now I am debating do i call him or not? I get mad at him, then I feel bad! i feel like a see saw right now.

I couldn't believe how much this sounds like my own problem.
I met my fiance at the same weight I started my diet on.
He loves me for who I am, and says that I'm beautiful, etc, etc.
I'm 5'5 and was 225. I started this diet and instantly he became
real insecure with me. He's by no means overweight. He's 6'2 and is probably 180lbs. Very good looking ;)

Anyways, I decided to lose weight because I want to have kids
and be able to have the energy to play with them. Plus, I wanted
to look and feel great. However, he said to me that he thought that
if I lost weight, I'd leave him. He thought that if I lost weight I would become so great looking that someone would come sweep me off my feet. THIS IS NOT TRUE!!! Like you, I don't want to find anyone "better" I don't even look at guys anymore. I just want to do this for myself, and I want to look great for him. He used to keep trying to feed me ice cream all the time, and my weakness, Pepsi.

So, what I've done is I've paid him extra, extra attention and
I have showered him with more affection. It seems to have worked. He now supports my diet and is even now eating my healthy meals that I cook at home.

And they say that girls are complicated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well if you say he loves you as much as he does, I am certain he is feeling really crappy right now.  He may realized how badly he messed up and not want to call you. 

Plus if he is in a professional setting, he may not be able to get emotional or talk about personal things on the phone.

I hope you can clear things up tonight, he should apologize for saying those things, and I think you should accept that his responce is because he was cheated on in the past and it doesn't have to do with you.

Oh wow, I didn't realize you had only been married just now nearly a year (I hit 9 years come June 13th).   Also his being married before and being cheated on certainly has him carrying some baggage.   And that other business with that woman going from 300 to skinny then leaving your brother is another big tri gger right there.

I think he's just a bit nervous and need some reassuring and you just need to open up more to him and evaluate as well how much time you are spending with him.

I don't think ignoring his feelings that you aren't spending much quality time with him is a good thing.  That's probably a big part of what has him so scared.

And he is scared, I think.  I mean here he is nearly through year one, your brother's wife lost weight and left him... you're losing weight too... he's had past problems with a wife that didn't understand "For better, for worse, in sickness and in health" but you do unerstand this... so talk to him and reassure him.

Don't take his views personally if you can.   He is probably just really afraid of the worst happening to him again... and that kind of thought can drive a man to be pretty worried sick over it all.

his first wife didnt lose weight, she just cheated cuz she is a scumbag! Their 1 year old son was in the hospital with cancer not knowing if he would live or die and my husband never left the hospital  at all. his wife was barely there. One day he decided to go home for a couple hours and get some rest and found his wife in bed with another man. TO me she is a scumbag. Her kid is in the hospital ? how can she even think of having an affair? Thank god his son has been in remission now for 6 years and doing well. But the damage was done to my husband. I just hate that he would even think I would do that to him. I know in his mind he has to know I would never!

this must be so hard for you but remember and keep reminding yourself that you are not in teh wrong!!  the only thing you can do during this time is support him and keep reassuring him taht he is the only person in your life and always will be!!  maybe you could call him just to say you love him??  i'm sure he will soon reaslise he was being over the top??

just dont' let this effect your efforts in taking care of yourself!!  he may be feeling threaten and subconcously trying to sabotage your efforts??  i dont' know but your doing this for youself - and you have to remember that!!

also, if someone has cheated on you in the past - its is only natural to feel a little scared of it happening again!!  distrust in any relationship can really screw up people!!