Your "....Walked into a Bar...." Jokes

A pirate walked into a bar with a paper towel on his head.

The bartender asked "Why do you have a paper towel on your head?"

The Pirate says " ARRRRRRRRR I got a bounty on me head!"

That is my favorite, What is yours?

not only is this my favorite "walked into a bar" joke, but it's my favorite joke ever:

a piece of string walks into a bar. the bartender says "hey you, string! get out of here! we don't serve string in this bar!"

so the piece of string walks outside into the alley. he ties himself into a big knot and frays up the extra string. he walks back into the bar.

The bartender says "Heyyy...aren't you that piece of string?"

the string says, "nope, frayed knot."

A pirate walked into a bar with a ship's wheel attached to his crotch.

The bartender says "That looks really uncomfortable!"

The Pirate says " ARRRRRRRRR it's driving me nuts!"

So, a catholic priest, a baptist priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender says "What is this a joke? "

*********************

Two guys walk into a bar... the third one ducks. 

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahua as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

Original Post by thmheh:

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahua as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

 heehee

i'll be using this one!

John Kerry walks into a bar, the bartender asks "why the long face?"

...

A big grasshoper walks into a bar, the bartender says "Hey, did you know there's a drink named after you?" to which the grasshoper replies "you have a drink names Steve?"

...

A guy walks into a bar and orders 4 shots of the best whiskey in the place.  He proceeds to pound the shots one after another, "whoa, there" says the bartender, "don't you think you should slow down a little?" "man, if you had what I have you'd be drinking the same way" the guys says "fill em up again".  "wow, what is it that you have?" the bartender asks as he's pouring the 4th shot.  "Well" says the guy, as he's downing number 3 "about 75 cents" and downs the last one.

...

I guy walks into a bar in Dublin and orders 3 pints of guiness.  He sits there with the 3 pints in from on of him taking a sip out of the first, then the second, then the third, and repeats until all three pints are gone.  He continues to do this every couple of days until the one day the bartender asks him why he doesn't just drink one pint at a time.  "Well" says the guy "I've got 2 brothers, one moved off to New York and the other the Australia when times got rough, before the left we all decided that whenever we're in a bar we'd drink like this so it would be like we're all back together having a pint."  "That's a great story" says the bartender "the next round is on the house"

A couple months later the same guy walks into the bar but only orders 2 pints. "I'm really sorry" says the bartender as he serves the guy his drinks.

"Sorry about what?"

"Your brother"

"What about my brother"

"Oh, well, I assumed he'd passed away since you only order'd two drinks"

"Oh that, no my brothers fine, but I just joined the mormon church so I don't drink any more".

A man walks into a pub completely knackered and sits at the bar. He asks the barman for 6 shots of vodka. As he is drinking them down the barman asks, "rough night?"

man: yeah... I just found out my older brother is gay.

Next evening he walks into the same pub and asks the barman for another six shots of vodka. While serving them the barman asks, "What happened this time?"

man: I just found out my younger brother is gay as well.

The third evening the man walked into the pub again and as usual asked for 6 shots of vodka. The barman astonished leans forward and asks, "are you kidding me? Does no one in your family like women?"

the man evidently pissed stutters: yeah.... my wife apperantly does.

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender:  "You got any bread crumbs?"

Bartender says, "No."

Duck asks again, "You got any bread crumbs?"

Bartender says, "No."

Duck asks again, "You got any bread crumbs?"

Bartender, getting flustered, says, "No."

Duck asks again, "You got any bread crumbs?"

Bartender, mad, says: "Listen here, duck, you ask me one more time if I have any bread crumbs, and I'll nail your bill to the bar!"

Duck asks, "You got any nails?"

Bartender says, "No."

Duck asks, "You got any bread crumbs?"

Original Post by bombacho:

A man walks into a pub completely knackered and sits at the bar. He asks the barman for 6 shots of vodka. As he is drinking them down the barman asks, "rough night?"

man: yeah... I just found out my older brother is gay.

Next evening he walks into the same pub and asks the barman for another six shots of vodka. While serving them the barman asks, "What happened this time?"

man: I just found out my younger brother is gay as well.

The third evening the man walked into the pub again and as usual asked for 6 shots of vodka. The barman astonished leans forward and asks, "are you kidding me? Does no one in your family like women?"

the man evidently pissed stutters: yeah.... my wife apperantly does.

 *laugh spit*

Where's the "like" button?

Original Post by floggingsully:

A guy walks into a bar and orders 4 shots of the best whiskey in the place.  He proceeds to pound the shots one after another, "whoa, there" says the bartender, "don't you think you should slow down a little?" "man, if you had what I have you'd be drinking the same way" the guys says "fill em up again".  "wow, what is it that you have?" the bartender asks as he's pouring the 4th shot.  "Well" says the guy, as he's downing number 3 "about 75 cents" and downs the last one.

...

I guy walks into a bar in Dublin and orders 3 pints of guiness.  He sits there with the 3 pints in from on of him taking a sip out of the first, then the second, then the third, and repeats until all three pints are gone.  He continues to do this every couple of days until the one day the bartender asks him why he doesn't just drink one pint at a time.  "Well" says the guy "I've got 2 brothers, one moved off to New York and the other the Australia when times got rough, before the left we all decided that whenever we're in a bar we'd drink like this so it would be like we're all back together having a pint."  "That's a great story" says the bartender "the next round is on the house"

A couple months later the same guy walks into the bar but only orders 2 pints. "I'm really sorry" says the bartender as he serves the guy his drinks.

"Sorry about what?"

"Your brother"

"What about my brother"

"Oh, well, I assumed he'd passed away since you only order'd two drinks"

"Oh that, no my brothers fine, but I just joined the mormon church so I don't drink any more".

 As a Mormon, I love this joke.

And they had a drink paid their bill and everyone was happy.

Original Post by dnrothx:

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender:  "You got any bread crumbs?"

Bartender says, "No."

Duck asks again, "You got any bread crumbs?"

Bartender says, "No."

Duck asks again, "You got any bread crumbs?"

Bartender, getting flustered, says, "No."

Duck asks again, "You got any bread crumbs?"

Bartender, mad, says: "Listen here, duck, you ask me one more time if I have any bread crumbs, and I'll nail your bill to the bar!"

Duck asks, "You got any nails?"

Bartender says, "No."

Duck asks, "You got any bread crumbs?"

This one always rules.

Two guys are sitting at a bar when the first guy looks over at the second guy and slurs, "I know your mother."

The second guy just ignores the first guy.

First guy has another drink and leans over to slur in the second guy's ear, "I kissed your mother."

Second guy rolls his eyes and goes back to his beer.

First guy finishes his beer and leans over to whisper, "I had carnal relations* with your mother."

The second guy stands up, grabs the first guy off the bar stool, gets up in his face, and says, "That's enough, dad, you're drunk."

*carnal relations expurgated for the sake of the forum rules

Descartes was sitting in a bar with his mates just before closing time. The bartender asked if they would like another round. Descartes said "I think not", and disappeared.

**************

A man goes into a bar and after pounding back a few, he strikes up a conversation with the guy on the next stool.

"Aye, where are you from?"  he asks. 

"I'm from Dublin."  says the 2nd man.

"No kidding!  I am too.  I lived on the east side." says the 1st.

"Me too!  What a small world!  Did you go to school there?" asks the 2nd.

"Aye, that I did.  I went to Our Lady of Peace." says the 1st man.

"'Tis a small world, so did I!" says the 2nd man. "I was in Miss Macgillicutty's class."

"Aye, I was too!" says the 1st man.

This goes on for a while and then a 3rd man at the bar leans over to the bartender and says, "Wow, that's amazing!  Who would imagine that two men would have so much in common?" to which the bartender replies:

"Nah, it's just the McMackin twins; they're drunk again."

In honor of the first poster, I have some pirate jokes.

A pirate walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Have you seen my mizzen mast?  It's mizzin'!"

****

One pirate says to the other, "Where are your buccaneers?"

He replies, "Under my buccan-hat."

I'm gonna go geek here:

A definite integral walks into a bar and orders 5 shots of tequila.  The bartender says "Dude, are you sure?"  The integral says "Yeah, I know my limits."

------

An atom walks into a bar, looking very depressed, orders a beer, and chugs it down.  It sighs and orders another.  The bartender says "Dude, are you okay?"  The atom says "Oh, it's just that I've lost an electron."  The bartender says "Wow, are you sure?"  The atom says "Yep...I'm positive."

Some others: 

A leprechaun walks into a bar. The bartender serves him and says, "That'll be $2.50." The leprechaun puts two dollar bills on the bar and starts walking away. The barkeep shouts, "You're a little short!"

-----

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!" 

Original Post by santonacci:

I'm gonna go geek here:

A definite integral walks into a bar and orders 5 shots of tequila.  The bartender says "Dude, are you sure?"  The integral says "Yeah, I know my limits."

------

An atom walks into a bar, looking very depressed, orders a beer, and chugs it down.  It sighs and orders another.  The bartender says "Dude, are you okay?"  The atom says "Oh, it's just that I've lost an electron."  The bartender says "Wow, are you sure?"  The atom says "Yep...I'm positive."

...

 these made me so happy!!!

So a duck walks into a bar, orders a martini and says,

"Put it on my BILL."

HAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHA!