I want to, WANT to change! ;but I don't fully want to! HELP!?

Hi.. I'm a 14 year old girl, recovering from anorexia, I'm 5"3 and about 95lbs.

I've been doing okay on my ED recovery I guess, but the thing that bothers me is, well I don't even know if you can call it "in recovery"!! I'm in a fight with some of my friends about it right now, and last night they pointed something out to me, I'M NOT RECOVERING!  The thing is; more than half the time, I don't even want to recover! :(   I do, so so so bad, but at the same time I think, "I'm fine the way I am, I can eat when ever I want to, I just don't want to!" But isn't not anting to kinda still an ED? When I was at my sickest in around November/December that's exactly what I was always thinking, that I can, I just don't feel like it, and that's what I still think, but i kmnowe it's not right, and I don't know what to do!

I'm scared that once I recover, I'll just be nobody anymore, to my family mainly, what mainly caused my ED was that my sister got all the attention because she had a learning disability, and my parent never worried about me, and I THINK I just wanted to be worried about.. but now I HATE being worried about, but at the same time, I like it!? It's just so confusing, but no matter how many times my parents say that once I recover, they'll still love me just as much, and spend as much time with me, I don't believe it, I can't believe it!... Why cant I believe it!?

I know I should change, and stop this ED, but I dunno, I just can't convince myself that it's the right thing to do, I can't seem to quite the ED voice in my head! I guess you'd say::  I want, to WANT to change! But I DON'T acculyy want to yet! I feel like I can if I did want to, but I just don't really want to yet! But i want to want to!

Somebody please help me, can anybody give me a reason to want, to want to change, I want my life back, I want to believe I fully want it back!!!!

(Sorry that was long, it was kinda a big vent, thanks for reading it all if you did!)

You have to want to change.  You just have to.  If your friends and your family can't give you a good enough reason, I'm not sure if we can.  I'll give it a try though.

If you continue doing this to yourself, here's a picture of your future.  The Body Neglected

After your bones deteriorate and your reproductive organs become so atrophied they don't work, your other organs, including your brain will be permanently damaged. You will end up as a stunted adult with brittle bones and infertility.  But that's not the worst.

According to this medical authority NEDIC 

"The death rate for eating disorders is high: it ranges between 18% (in 20-year studies) and 20% (in 30-year follow-up studies). In fact, the annual death rate associated with anorexia is more than 12 times higher than the annual death rate due to all other causes combined for females between 15 and 24 years old." Cavanaugh, Carolyn. What we know about eating disorders: facts and statistics. In Lemberg, Raymond and Cohn, Leigh (Eds) (1999). Eating Disorders: A reference sourcebook. Oryx Press. Phoenix, AZ.

It goes on to say " The death rate associated with anorexia nervosa alone is more than 12 times higher than the overall death rate among young women in the general population."
Sullivan PF. Mortality in anorexia nervosa. American Journal of Psychiatry, 1995; 152(7): 1073-4.

These are recognized medical sources.  I suggest you take them seriously and seek help for your problem. 

if you dont want to change - then make sure you inform everyone around you and all the people that have given you so much advice on this site, that you dont want to recover.

nobody can make you want it. this is where we are all powerless to help. i dont know what to say to you. but i met people like you when i was inpatient. they discharged her from the programme.

holding people to ransom with an eating disorder will only work for so long. after a while people will give up hope and they will walk away. life will be progressing for everyone else: college, boys (or girls), travelling. and you will be there with calories and restriction and bones and whatever else you get from your disorder.

some people have to hit rock bottom before they want to recover. maybe you havent reached that point. but i think you should back away from this site if your heart isnt in recovering coz i dont think you are remotely recovering and its hard for peopl with the same issue truly recovering to see you "wanting to stay in the same hole".

im sure as with all my posts - that this will be harsh. but you know what this is serious and grown up stuff. not childish games and i think you need to hear it

I agree with fidget on this one. There have been so many times, when I have been crying and pleading with my parents trying to make them understand-I WANT to get better, but at the same time I dont want to get better. And they said to me-Maybe you need to hit rock bottom before you turn around!Maybe your just no there yet. And that was so frustrating to hear. I really did want to get better-in my head, but I didnt feeeel it, in my body.

So I ask you this-can u try and seperate yourself from your Eating Disorder? By doing that-can u try and see that it might be your ED, that is saying "I dont want to eat", and it is YOU who is saying "I can eat what I want". Because thats what an ED is-another voice in your head-(that isnt even real by the way)

Another angle is this-if logically and on some level you want to get better and on another you dont want to get better, why not try out eating and getting well for a while, whats the harm?A little part of you wants to anyway!

Finally-one more attempt to help you out that might work. Have you done CBT before?sometimes you may KNOW you want to get something,like a new movie thats supposed to be great from the store, but,you dont feel like going to the store to get it. So, you sit at home, no movie and bored. The same thing happens the next day, and the next, and the next, and before you know it-the movie isnt even available anymore, and everyone ahs seen it but you, and your annoyed you didnt get to see it.

But had you made the effort to go and get the movie-even though you didnt feeel like it, you would have got to see it and enjoyed it, and joined in the conversations with everyone around about how good the movie was!

Do you see what Im trying to say?Even though you dont feel like doing something, if you know you want or need to do it, you need to take action and do it, even though you dont want to, in order to get somewhere or something. Another example is someone who is trying to get into exercise, at the beggining, they dont want to go out for a walk, but they make themselves, then slowly but surely they start to feel the rewards, and eventually they FEEL  like going out for a walk.

Ya gotta apply this to getting well

What are your long term goals in life? Realistically, if you keep acting the way you are-are these things going to be possible?on a physical or mental level?

Try and stop now while your still young, before your 21, like me and still ill. PLeaaaasee!!!

Hope this isnt confusing!PM me if you have any q's. Good luck

Marissa,

They are right, Bottom line is this is for you first, nobody else but you.

How old is your sister sounds maybe younger? Think of this your sister will get better with time and the last thing you need is for your sister to grow-up alone without you.

Please think of you and after others. No excuses!!

Also I do not see anything in your Journal start using it to vent. How many calories are you doing per day? 

How can you use your voice and not your body to your parents? It sounds like they are aware but can you all do family therapy? Is there a way they can have just you time with them once an awhile. I understand that you want to be noticed but when you get healthy it can go from a worry feeling your parents have to a healthy and nicer relationship. Do you think that maybe you can go to therapy? I agree that to recover you do need to want to but sometimes until you get to that point a little push can help. Most people in recovery have mixed feelings. Can you focus on some things in your life you want to do that an ed can't be a part of? Like hobbies or after school stuff?

Your honesty and insight, Marissa, is so impressive!! I know you want opinions about ED, but, you sound VERY INTELLIGENT, and I believe you know ED is not a friend to you.

Instead of cultivating ED, as an alter-ego, maybe you can throw yourself into something new, like playing guitar, or painting, a sport, or memorizing the Bible.... anything that will expand you, not take away from you. ED will make you shrink as a human being, not just physically, but, spiritually.

Having a positive, or creative outlet can give you a ton of confidence, and replace the demon ED. ED will destroy you, but, using your intelligence and creativity in a positive way will expand your world beyond food. You want your family and friends drawn to you out of admiration, not fear and anguish for your survival.

Discuss your feelings with family, even the way your sister gets the attention because of her learning difficulties. I completely know what you're going through and I was  impressed that you can recognize that this competition for  your parents time is contributing to your destructive dieting. Make dates with your dad and mom, if possible, just you and them.

They'd rather make time for you when they can enjoy your company, than tend to a child who's dying.

wow, marissa, you just described exactly how I feel!

I really understand how you are feeling, really. I have been trying to put that into words for so long and youjust did it!

To begin with, I think that being at a low weight really alters the way we think. And one of the most frustrating things is knowing you want to get better, knowing the consequences (hospital, IP (been there done that) amenhorrea, osteoporosis) I thought I would've learnt my lesson by now, but no. ANd honestly I hate myself for it!

Please search inside yourself for that small, tiny voice that is telling you to do the right thing, and listen. easier said than done, trust me, I'm still searching, but please, you are only 14. You DO have the strength. That is what that little voice is. It IS there.

Good luck hon.