want to help a friend

Today I found out that a young friend is struggling with Anorexia.  She is a lovely young lady and I would like to get some suggestions about .... ways to help her defeat this problem.  I am a 61 year old lady ... and Jessica is about 21.  I have gone back to school and met her in a class.  Any suggestions for me?  Thank you.

how close are the 2 of you? i think the more you know her the more receptive she will be. There is no easy way to approach the situation.

if you have eaten with her then maybe you can just mention that you've noticed that her weight is extremely low. if you've seen her go through a weight loss then you can mention the loss along with her scanty eating habits and offer support if she is going through a hard time.

again, this is really a very touchy issue and everyone is different in how they respond to being confronted. if she is really in the midst of it and doesn't see it as a problem yet she will probably not respond well but if she has herself questioned her weight and problem then she might be more open to accepting the support.

I had a very bad experience many years ago with a fellow university student in this situation.  She was about the same age.  I warn you now that unless your friend accepts she has a problem you will get absolutely nowhere.  'Denial' and 'deception' (often self-deception) are big features of Anorexia Nervosa, and this is a very difficult combination to get past.  The girl I'm talking about just thought everyone was being jealous/interfering, that she looked/behaved perfectly normally, never went to see a doctor.... and died.

If she hasn't been to see a doctor, that may be the best first suggestion.  But, as Claire says, that's a minefield all in itself.  If she's been diagnosed professionally and is receiving medical treatment and support then you may have more success than I did.   Express your concern, ask if there's anything specific you can do to help augment the professional treatment & be a friend.   Otherwise, it's like watching a very slow suicide.... so be prepared for the worst.

This is my first attempt to "reply" on this forum ... so hope I do it correctly.  First thank you (to both of you) for your responses.  I met Jessica six weeks ago and suspected something was wrong from the beginning.  Although we are fellow students, our age difference makes it easy for me to speak more like a "mom" at times.  I have watched her get worse over the weeks and yesterday I just asked her if she was anorexic.  She started to tear up and whispered that she was struggling with this.  I told her ... in a motherly way ... that this is serious and she must get help.  She mumbled something about "having support". 

If she is well enough to be in school, then I should be seeing her in a couple of hours.  Right now, my plan is to be as encouraging as possible.  I want her to know that I realize her problem is indeed real and very challenging BUT ... it is not impossible.  Others have gone before her and have managed to beat this thing.  I want to give her hope.  I honestly think she is close to being hospitalized and DO NOT want to see her die.  That would be such a tragic loss.  I guess I will just ask her what I can do to help because I feel so helpless and don't know what else do do. 

That sounds like the right tack to take.  At least she admits there's a problem... that's a major hurdle overcome.  If you ask what you can do that's a much more positive thing than telling someone what they should do (which is tempting)

However.... and I can't stress this enough..... people in the grip of eating disorders unfortunately can become very manipulative and deceptive as a result.   It's like any other serious addiction in that respect.   If you're not careful you can go from being a 'supporter' and 'confidante' to an 'enabler'... so be wary of that and try to keep a small emotional distance rather than getting caught up too closely.  

Good advice!  I tend to get a bit emotional.  Jessica arrived at class about 20-30 minutes late, wearing dark glasses (which she kept on all through the class).  She sat on her chair, with her heels on the chair and her arms wrapped around her knees and rocked from side to side for at least an hour.  (It is a three-hour class)  She took a few sips from a bottle of green tea (which I brought).  My husband and I will continue to pray for her.  I won't see her again until next Wednesday. 

It sounds as though she is very unwell not only physically but also psychologically. 

Is it possible for you to have contact outside of class, perhaps ringing her and asking if she would like to meet for coffee.

UGH this makes me sad reading about because i am very much like this girl. Im so happy that she has i kind and caring friend like you looking out for her. 

Is it possible to try and get some more info from her regarding the support she does have, is she seeing a GP, and therapist, does she have a treatment team? If not then it would be a good idea to consistently but gently encourage her to see a DR. There should be a medical centre on campus and many uni medical centres have atleast some experience dealing with ED's.

Is she at university a long distance from home, is it possible that her family do not know what is going on? If this is the case then again consistently and gently encouraging her to tell her family is important. 

From what you describe about the rocking, it sounds as though Jessica is not far off from hospitalization, it sounds as though she is depressed and overwhelmed by ED. If she has a team they will be watching, tracking weight loss, tracking mood and thought processes and will admit her if need be. Atleast thats what its like in New Zealand, im not sure where you are from. 

I just want to say that you are a very caring person to be so concerned, and Jessica is lucky to have someone like you.

I should have written down my e-mail address and phone number for her but I did not think about doing that.  Oh, well ... next week!  Anyway, I am sure she said she is living at home.  One week she said she is in school because her parents wanted her to go to College.  We are attending a small, Bible College in San Diego and there is no medical centre on campus.  I also feel like she is close to being hospitalized. 

As I have been sitting here, writing ... it has occurred to me that my instructor has all of our e-mail addresses.  Perhaps he would be willing to send my e-mail address to Jessica.  Then she could choose to communicate with me or not.  Before class this morning, I told the instructor that I am worried about Jessica and his response ... "you should be".  In other words he can see what is going on but he is not going to talk about her.  I think he is worried too.

Thanks for your input.  This is new territory for me. 

So her parents are most likely aware of what is going on with her, hopefully they have sought medical and psychological help for her. 

Th email address thing is a good idea, however i would be surprised if the instructor gave it to you, i think it breaches confidentiality or something. Give it a go though, better to try that not to. 

I think all you can do for her is to let her know that you are worried for her, that you are there for her, that she can talk to you and that you want to see her happy and healthy. In the end, its really up to her to get well, and hopefully if she cant do this herself, her parents will have her admitted to a hospital. 

I am thinking of you because i can only imagine how hard it is to watch someone go through this, ive never been on that side of the fence but it must be horrible.

Just thought someone might want an update on Jessica.  I am so proud of her!  We have three classes together and she did really well in two of them this week.  She sat up and took notes and asked good questions in class. During break time, she drank soda or tea and ate yogurt or grapes or crackers (different days).  Thursday was a rough day for her but she bounced right back on Friday.  I can see that this is a real challenge for her but she is not giving up.  We have exchanged e-mail addresses and phone numbers so I expect to keep in touch with her ... as needed.  She is a lovely young lady with a lot of great potential. 

A side note:  I am over-weight ... ok ...fat!  I have felt such conviction that I am praying for Jessica to overcome her eating disorder but I was not doing anything about my own tendency to .... eat everything in sight ... so I have been challenging myself to control my own appetite.  I have lost two pounds!  It's a beginning!

I hope all of you ... on this site ... are doing well ... facing your own challenges and making progress.  It is NOT easy!