I really want to be a mom...

Hey guys. I really want to have a baby. I have always wanted to be a mom and the past couple of months I cannot stop thinking about it. The only thing stopping me is my boyfriend…he isn't ready to have one yet. I am 25 & he is 28. Do any of you have any suggestions to either help me bring up the topic with him again or to help me put the baby thoughts on hold?

Maybe you could visit friends or relations that have new-borns?  That could get the conversation started.   It could also put you off having children!!   I'm a mother myself but having just spent a whole night listening to my 3 month old nephew squawking I'm glad mine isn't a baby any more.

And... this is going to sound a little old-fashioned and quaint... maybe you could also talk about marriage at the same time.  Children are lovely but you need to make sure men are 100% committed and stick around to help bring them up.  Marriage is no guarantee of anything, of course, but if he baulks at the idea of marriage and the idea of children I think he's in a different place to you.

Can you volunteer at a local hospital with the nursery?    I know one of the ones I delivered at was constantly short handed.  Or do you do a craft like knitting or crochet that you could make items for them?  I used to donate preemie and newborn hats when I had more time for crafting, and I know other ladies did fleece blankets and such as well. 

I'm going to go with something totally different.  My hubby was the same way years ago when we were in our 20s.  When I was twenty five we weren't married.  He wasn't ready, but I was.  Needless to say, we held off until I was 27 to get married and till he was ready.  We tried to concieve for a year and figured we needed to get checked out.  Well with all that time that past we found out once you pass the age of 25 your chances of conceiving goes down 25% and then after 30 it goes down even more.  Here I am at age 34 and still no baby.  I've give everyone the same advice.  Odds are in your favor at a younger age for being baby ready and if you can....concieve and have your baby earlier than trying later.  That seems to be the reason why so many women have to turn to invitro and medications to have their babies...they are waiting too long.  There are so many twins now a days due to this.  I wish you the best!! 

This definitely needs to be a joint decision between you and your bf. Has he mentioned anything about marriage or spending the rest of your lives together? If so, you've got a decent shot at it but guys aren't always the first ones in the relationship to say so. You guys are still young so give him some time or you might scare him away.

In the meantime, hang out with people who have babies but don't lay it on too thick because it can get real old after awhile.

Also, focus on yourself and what you want to accomplish before you start raising a family. Maybe get your health in order, your finances, education, and career. With a baby in the picture, it makes it harder to do some of those things so freely.

It should stop you that he is just a boyfriend and not your husband.  The best thing for a child is two loving and devoted parents.  The fantasy baby and the real baby are two totally different things.  That being said, when you are ready, truly ready, motherhood is awesome.  Well, most of the time :)

PTC:  Why can't two parents be loving and devoted unless they are married?  I know plenty of parents who are married and are neither loving nor devoted, and on the same token know parents who have children but decided not to get married and have wonderful kids.

I'm in a similar situation with my boyfriend and he's outright told me that he doesn't want to have kids or get married until he's atleast 30.  One thing you need to do before you bring up the topic with him again is figure out what you are going to do if he ultimately says that he doesn't want to have kids.  Is it a deal breaker for you?  You may find that waiting a few years is ok, but if it's not and you wait anyway, you may resent him later on down the line. 

The poor child has a job lined up for him before he is even conceived - to satisfy your maternal yearnings! A baby is not a toy that you can return if motherhood doesnt turn out as you'd hoped. There is a lot more to parenthood than simply wanting a baby.

Unless your BF is 200% committed to you and to the idea of fathering a child with you, I wouldnt rush into it if I were you. You still have many more fertile years that lie ahead of you. And if your fertility does in fact wane in later years, seek the help of a specialist. So what if older women (and just as many men by the way) need a little help in that department!

Nor would I try and force my BF into fatherhood by falling pregnant 'accidentally on purpose'. No relationship can flourish when it's built on deceit.

As for being a single Mom, I can assure you that it's nothing at all like the rosy scene painted by Hollywood. Yes, motherhood is awesome, but it is also a lot of hard work. To have to do it alone is double the hard work and everything else that parenthood entails.

I was widowed when my son was only 19 months old, and I have raised him single-handedly ever since - my son is now 17yo.  My son dearly misses having a father, so I wouldnt advocate depriving a child of a father by intent. 

I am fortunate enough to be in a sound financial position, but still, it has not been easy raising a child alone. No one tells you about the sleepless nights, the worry when your child falls ill, having to make major decisions or to attend parent/teacher meetings alone, the stress of coping with the teenage years, etc. 

Whatever decision you reach, good luck in the choices you make.

Excellent post, jenni_s. I agree whole-heartedly.

ptcmama: My first child was an "accident" and my husband and I weren't married. We decided that just because we would be having a child and raising her together, it was not a reason for us to get married. We were completely devoted to each other and wound up married two years after having our daughter--when it was the right time for us. People choose not to get married every day who are more devoted to each other than a lot of married couples. I do agree that there should be extra consideration since he has not made his vow legally but it should not automatically stop her from having children with him.

smstar: Just be honest with him. Let him know that you're having a strong maternal urge. I'll sing the same tune as most here, babies are not all sunshine and lollypops. I have spent more time worrying, reprimanding, crying and fearing that I'm not raising my children the "right" way. It is hard and you'd better be absolutely sure that is what you want. Children need 95% of your time when you're with them (at least while they're young).

Just be sure you make an informed decision and take all the advice you can from these women who have been/are in your situation.

I don't have any children but wanted to throw my opinion in the ring as well.  I know what it feels like to have the baby bug, and even though I'm married we are waiting for children, for now.

Several of you have brought up marriage and children, knowing plenty of unmarried couples who have very loving relationships and vice versa.  Honestly, marriage is an outward commitment mearly echoing what is going on in a couple's hearts.  It is a commitment for LIFE.  Not so unlike having a baby.  If someone has issues with making an outward commitment to you, think twice about their commitment to a child.