I just want one more chance

I've been a 'lurker' here for awhile, but I've never really had the courage to post anything or join in. But right now, I'm desperate and I see how everyone is so supportive and kind.

Story goes.. I'm no stranger to eating disorders and the ins and outs of them. I've been bulimic/anorexic (whatever you want to call it, I supposed you'd acutally call me a purging-anorexic), I've been so for the past 5-6 long years and I've been admitted to hospital twice.

I know what its like to 'feel' recovered, I've been given so many chances and I've left myself slip and fall back down again. I'm the lowest weight I have ever been in the history of 'my' eating disorder and I'm only getting lower. I dont binge anymore, I dont 'indulge' in the severe bulimic behaviours I used to and I'm far better mentally..But not good enough. I literally cannot eat, physically, my body wont hold food and Im tourtured everyday with tiny, tiny portions (that most of the time, dont stay down). I am so sick of this, I'm beyond angry with myself and I feel like I'm completely out of opitions here.

I dont think my family can afford to put me back into treatment, they can barely afford to send me to the therapst I see now (I only see her every few weeks). I've lost all contact with friends, I have no friends and I'm basically alone all the time. Its not like I dont try to see them..It just never works out and I guess they arnt really my friends to begin with. My family isnt..supportive, but I cant blame them because they only do the best they can and Im grateful for that. I've asked for help, I've tried and tried to do this myself. I've bought books, self-help, eating disorder recovery books, spiritual books, you name it and I've read it. I've re-searched, I've tried meal-plans, I've been to spiritual healers, I've seen every type of therapst, I've been hypnotised etc etc etc etc etc etc.

Am I doomed to be like this forever? Alone, depressed, skinny and wasting away? I dont know what to do, I'm lost, completely lost and all I want is to be happy and healthy. I want to eat, I love food. I want to have friends, I want a boyfriend, I want to travel, live, love and breath. But I cant..I just, I dont know. I'm sorry, I feel like an idiot writing this, really..Im just crying out for one more chance to do this again, one more shot at living, one more. I dont want this eating disorder anymore, I dont want it. How do I change? How do I help myself? How do I do this completely alone with no one to lean on?

god, I'm sorry. I didnt realise I wrote a novel

Hi. I think everyone can recover. Will it be hard. Yes. I have had a very long abttle for 14 plus years and been inpatient,outpatient etc treatment always to relapse. I have now been in recovery and actually in recovery both physically and mentally for 5 months now mostly on my own with a psych. I had the tools from the past treatments but needed to use them and fight. It is very hard and right now I have been in tears from the fears but am doing it. You can as well. A few thoughts though can you talk to your parents because maybe there is financially resources for treatment. Are you working with your therapist now about the why behind this? Could you see a nutritionist? All the items you stated like friends,etc I understand as I lost it to my ed and am now trying to rebuild. What you have to remember is it takes time to rebuild a life but the eating disorder is a huge barrier to that. It is like a vicious cycle but the only way to stop spinning your wheels is to give up the ed and face what it has taken and try to rebuild. No one can do recovery for you. Like you I did every treatment,books,plans etc and nothing changed because I was looking for an easy answer. Thee is none and no easy time. The answer is with in you and those items listed can only support. It is so hard like beyond but I hope in the long run will make life easier. If you want you can PM me. Have you been for a physical?When you start re feeding you may feel like you can't and unless their is some medical issues it is cause your body is not used to eating. I am not sure your weight and your caloric intake but it sounds like you need to start eating more as a starting point. So can you make some goals?

Original Post by bettysightless:

Am I doomed to be like this forever? Alone, depressed, skinny and wasting away? I dont know what to do, I'm lost, completely lost and all I want is to be happy and healthy. I want to eat, I love food. I want to have friends, I want a boyfriend, I want to travel, live, love and breath. But I cant..I just, I dont know. I'm sorry, I feel like an idiot writing this, really..Im just crying out for one more chance to do this again, one more shot at living, one more. I dont want this eating disorder anymore, I dont want it. How do I change? How do I help myself? How do I do this completely alone with no one to lean on?

god, I'm sorry. I didnt realise I wrote a novel

First off, no apologies. This is hard and it gets harder and everyone who knows what it's like would agree with me.

Second, i feel sorry for you. Apologies if that sounds mean but im looking at how you define youeself and it makes me sad. What do you like to do in your leisure time? Are you a movie lover, painter, musician, do you enjoy reading and playing Halo 3? Stand up comedy, writing poetry, swimming, singing, studying, doodling, running, volunteering at an animal shelter. If nothing else i bet your an awesome friend...... and i would describe myself as that. If you THINK your sad and lonely then it only makes sense that this is the way you will feel/behave. I know you can do it, you have th tools and the knowledge and made a good move by coming over here for a little support. BUT - if i want to sail to Hawaii but dont raise the sails then im not going to go anywhere fast. You can DO it! (do is a verb - implying action). If you need random motivation fel free to message me and know that people like your parents/friends/therepists are ALWAYS there and love you. :)

Taking the step to post on here was a good start, :-) sometimes a bit of extra encourgement can really make a difference.

You mentioned you can only physically eat tiny portions, I cant recommend much here Im sure someone else could help out better but have you tried takingsome high calorie drinks? You could make up your own or take a supplement like ensure. Also with your portions maybe just try adding a little extra each time and slowly work your way up?

Your last pararaph I can just connect with some much, the wanting to eat normally, travel, have a bf, make friends dont feel like an idiot for writing that or admitting you want those things, I want all those things to. The reason that we dont have them is because we have an ED standing in our way thats why, so get your shot at living you have to get shot of ED. I to have tried countless self help books, therapists, hospital and Ive also gone for hypno, none of them worked yeah they gave me afew ideas but none of them cured me and there is no magic cure or answer. The only way to get better is for you to truely want to recover and then go for it, it is tough but make a list of those things you want to do and aim for each of them. Whenever you start to struggle think of the lovely life you could have.

Its good to have support of some description as well maybe through family or some friends you might have?

My heart goes out to you, this is such a hard thing to fight but you can do it. If you ever want someone to chat to about anything, ed related or totally off topic just to pass time, feel free to email me.