How can I watch him die?

A close family friend that has advanced cancer isn't likely to be with us for more than a couple of weeks.  I don't need sympathy messages, I need to know how to see him, how to get my Mom through it, how to cope for the next few weeks while he wastes away in a morphine induced hallucinatory existence, how to get on with my work, how to talk about it, how to sit by his bedside and put on a normal face.

I don't think you have to be Superhuman, Sunnybra. I think you just have to do the best you can do. I imagine this is hard all-around.. for you, for your mom, definitely for him.

I can't tell you how to make it all work because I don't think it's possible. All you can do is your best.

How to see him?.... He's still the same person even though he's very sick.  So how did you normally talk to him?  How would you want someone to talk to you if the roles were reversed?   Speaking through choked tears in reverential hushed tones like you're already dead?  A friend is a Macmillan nurse and specialises in palliative care for the terminally ill.   I've often thought that must be a very grim business but she says what people most like to talk about when lucid are the good old days & happy memories... and that black humour and terrible jokes are always present.

How to get your Mom through it.... you can't.  Her response will be as individual as she is.  All you can offer her is your love and a reminder that life goes on.   How to cope?.... you'll cope in one way or another.  Unless you have a heart of stone you'll experience every emotion including anger as well as sorrow.   And if you work... tell them what's happening because people aren't telepathic but given the opportunity, they'll make allowances.    

My mom's best friend came to live with us for two weeks while she was in the end stages of cancer because we were closer to her doctor (she lived way out in the boonies). We never treated her differently or acted any different than what we always did.  We watched Ellen and laughed a lot.   We made sure her bed was comfy and she had her favorite nightgown and slippers on and we bought her a new robe. We went through old pictures and talked about old times and I made sure there were fresh flowers in the house for her to look at.  She went home and died a week later.... it was tough but we were sooo glad we had that time together. 

Now, she didn't have halucinations or anything and she could make it to the potty by herself and even out to the living room.. so I didn't have to see her suffering that bad.. she did have pain and no appetite and would get tired very easy... and its tough to watch. But, just be yourself and don't be afraid to give lots of hugs.

You just do, Sunny. It sucks, it's hard. But you just get through it.

Sunnybra.......just be with him and his family.....talk about what you always talked about. Let your friend take the lead and you'll be surprised at how easy and rewarding it is to be with and care for someone who is dying. My mom and my mother-in-law died within months of each other. My mother-in-law died at home with my husband and me........I wouldn't trade those seven weeks for anything. We talked about everything important to her, went through old pictures, read favorite books and had lots of visitors when she felt up to it. I learned so much from her. My mom died at home too......her time was a little different but just as rewarding. I felt blessed to have friends who cared enough to put their discomfort aside and spend time with us. I think you will be surprised by how you feel when you spend time with them.  I'll keep you in my thoughts in the weeks to come. Take care, Terry

You treat them the same. He's still the same person, just sick. You can't be responsible for how your mother handles the situation. You can only be there for her. Don't talk about it if you don't want to. The time will come when it feels right for you. Everyone copes differently. When my grandfather died, I flew 3 days after my family so I could go to my classes Monday and get the assignments I'd miss for the week. I "sucked it up" and went to work Saturday (the day I found out) and spent the whole day crying off and on in the bathroom. What I really should've done was take a few days off.

You just need to do what feels right for you.

I found this interview (and Hope's book) after a friend of mine who had cancer died (he was actually killed by a drunk driver, but that's a very different story), and I wish I'd had it before:

How to Talk to a Friend With Cancer

The biggest thing you need to do is listen to your friend.  He's probably confused and scared and all sorts of other things.  Also, while your friends and family can help, I strongly strongly recommend that you find a grief counselor.  There's nothing like having someone who won't judge you for what you say, to whom you can confide everything you're feeling without worrying about upsetting them, when you're going through something like this.

treat him the same.  no matter what.  help your mom as much as you can.  if things get tough for you, talk to a close friend or, if you're like me and didn't want to burden anyone/get the sympathy lines that just piss you off (at least they piss me off...) talk to a counsellor for a little bit, until you don't need to anymore.  it really helps to talk about it.  also try to keep busy and keep living your life because that's what he would want you to do.  so keep him proud.

this IS going to be difficult and there are times you won't want to leave the house.  some of those times, maybe it's better not to since you need to take some time for yourself sometimes.  but remember to make the effort most of the time because as soon as you're out, you're glad you did and you know you're just doing what your friend would want you to do.  which is to be happy.  and there is nothing wrong with that.  stay strong, be with your friends, do what you love.  you WILL get through it.  trust me. 

Hospice Care is an organization who gives care to the dying and the family of the dying. You may want to call your local chapter for some guidance. I worked for them administratively for a while and they really can help family deal with death as well as the sick in the end weeks or months leading up to death.

There is nothing anyone can say to prepare you. I woke up one day 3 years ago to news that my father had found my mother. She had a heart attack at some point in the night. It was very difficult, but we didn't have the experience of dealing with her dying per say. I just buried my dad last weekend and there was nothing to prepare me for that. He had fallen down the stairs and suffered severe brain trauma. He went from being in a neck brace and talking to having a seizure, complete liver and kidney failure, dialysis, bleeding from the liver, bleeding and swelling in the brain, by the end of the week he was borderline comatose. I visited him everyday, and although I took note of every tube and container, all I really saw was my dad. I would tell him I loved him a million times, and talk about silly stuff. We preplanned his funeral arrangements because we kinda knew. Things didn't improve, they could have drilled a hole in his scull to relieve the pressure but there was "no chance" because of the liver and kidney failure. We had his breathing tube removed. It was the most tramtic experience of my life. My sister chose not to be there and that was ok because that is what was best for her. But there was nothing to prepare me to watch my father gasp for air for an hour and a half before passing.

If you can't do it, its ok. Once you accept what is happening you find your way past it. Return to work when you are ready. It's still hard for me, his doctor just called because he missed his appointment, and I had to relive it again. Its hard, but its life and what else are we going to do? Everyone deals differently. My sister has been angry, had fits, cried, and I just let her go through whatever she has to at the moment. Its ok. My source of strength was my 15yr old daughter. She was with him the whole time, wiping his head, talking, holding his hand. Her display of maturity and strength meant the world to me and gave me strength. Not because of anything she did, but because of who she is. I haven't told her that yet. Even though she wasn't trying to be there for me, I saw what an amazing person she had grown to be, and I am so proud.

You will be ok. You will find your strength. It will change you, and you will become better because of it.

I agree with the other posts, treat him the same. I lived with my dad when he died of cancer, it's was the worst thing in the world to see him go through it, but I knew he didn't want to be looked at any differently. Of course there were times when I would break down and start crying just looking at him and he understood. Like someone else said, we're not made of stone, we have emotions and sometimes the best thing is to let them show.

About your mother, like Ali said, all you can do is be there for her. The best thing during this time is support from family and friends

Think of it this way - You are not watching him die.  You are watching him live. 

It'll also help to remember it's not about you, honey.

You just be there for him and support him and the family.

When my mother was dying most of her friends and family dissappeared from her life.  People that were close to her when she was well just dropped off the planet and didn't visit her when she was in hospital.

When my daughter's best friend was dying of cancer at the age of twenty I made sure that we visited him in hospital.  One of the hardest things that I have done was to sit there and talk to him and his family like he was going to get well, but I am glad that I did.  He died two weeks later and although I was not able to attend the funeral, I took my daughter to his grave site afterwards.

I have made sure to visit my friends, both when well and when sick and dying.  You can't drop a family member or friend just because you can not deal with the fact that they are dying.  They need to know that you value their friendship and that they mean something to you.  It helps a lot that they have friends that support them in health as well as death.

I would also like to second the recommendation that if you haven't already done so, to bring Hospice in.  The men and women who work in Hospice are angels on earth.  When my husband's dad passed last year, we brought them in near the end.  How amazing they were!  Not just for Dad, but for all of us.  They helped us to help him die, and they were there for us all afterward.  I just got a call from the Hospice counselor a week ago because it was a year since he passed, and they wanted to know how we were all doing. 

Spend time with him, help him to make this difficult transition.  You will be glad you did, even though it is incredibly difficult to let someone we love go.  I find that by thinking of the body as a house for the soul, and that the soul does not die, but moves on, helps.  Every time I hear my mother in-law's wind chimes ring outside my sliding door, I feel it's her way of saying hello, and that she's okay. 

Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel -- there is no right or wrong way to grieve.