is there a way to do this WITHOUT counting calories? also, am i eating too much?

I am 20 (almost 21!) and have recently--as in about a week and a half ago--"woken up from the fog" and am trying to recover from anorexia. I was always a skinny girl. I am 5'6", almost 5'7", and was always very active (dance, yoga, running, etc) and kept a steady weight of about 120-130 (put on a few pounds my first 2 years of college but still was always naturally thin).

The anorexia began in January and I dropped from a weight of probably around 125 to 93 pounds. I have fluctuated a lot over the past few days, but I am now about 97 pounds. I am just freaking out about a lot of things. I want to be able to gain weight back and be healthy, but I DON'T want to count calories! Calorie counting is what took over my life for so long, and I REFUSE to do it!!!

So basically for the past 2 weeks I feel like I've been bingeing. And I've been eating too much fast food. I have no idea how many calories I've been eating at all, but I'm freaking out because now I'm reading up on all these things about gradually increasing calories and eating the right foods and getting the right percent of the right nutrients and blah blah. 

But for the past few days, I have been eating SO MUCH. And I'm freaking out because I know part of it is bloating and the fact that I'm getting my period, but this morning the scale said 96.4 and tonight it said 102! How is that even POSSIBLE?? I know that 96.4 is more accurate bc it was first thing in the morning. But even that is "high", considering the fact that about a week ago I weighed 93. I know it's good to be gaining weight, but it is bad to gain it so fast? And is it all going to be "chub" and not muscle? And will I be able to stop once I start gaining? And will I ever have healthy eating habits again? I feel like I don't know how to stop when I'm full. I know these thoughts are irrational, but I am freaking out!

Today, here is what I ate:

B- waffle w/ jelly, large bowl Fiberone cereal w/ skim milk, orange juice

S- luna bar, ensure drink (350 cals)

then i didn't eat for way too long and binged at mcdonalds:

L- quarter pounder with cheese, 4 piece mcnuggets, m&m mcflurry (I even added about half a pack of my own m&m's), handful of pretzels, handful of trail mix, handful of goldfish, another handful of trail mix

D- one of those healthy choice cafe steamers (I think it was around 300 calories), salad with vinaigrette dressing, a few bites of salmon and baked beans (leftovers)

S- half a bagel with peanut butter and jelly on it, orange juice

Writing it down makes it seem like less, but I just feel like lately my eating has been SO wacky. Yesterday, for breakfast alone, I ate 2 bowls of cereal (each bowl was probably 2 cups of cereal), one fried egg and 2 scrambled eggs, 1 slice of toast w/ butter, and a waffle with jelly, and a glass of oj

and then for lunch I had a burger and a chocolate blizzard with peanut butter pieces at dairy queen!

Is this stuff bad? Should I be counting the calories? Can anyone calm me down???

1) why would you weigh yourself at night when your weight is likely to be innacurate unless you wanted to freak yourself out? that was a terrible move, and no you didn't actually gain that much in 1 weeks time.

2) it's normal for your appetite to come back roaring once you start recovery. so, don't worry about the hunger, it will control itself in time.

3) your food choices aren't the best but they definitely aren't going to hurt you, you should ideally be getting your calories from healthy fat, not fast food. eat lots of nuts, peanut butter, olive oil, olives, avocados, full fat dairy and cheeses

4) you will feel bloated and disgusting at times, but this is also normal. i look like i'm pregnant after eating and i feel gross sometimes but i push through the feelings because i know that it's for the best.

i am "recovered" now but it is still a struggle at times, i am being direct so you know what to expect. you dont' have to count calories, but with your intake you'd likely be severely under the necessary calorie intake if it weren't for the fast food. half a bagel, skim milk, fiber one cereal, all eaten like someone trying to lose weight, not gain. if you'd like to talk please message me. it's great that you're deciding to recover but i think you may be approaching this the wrong way!! lose the scale for a while and try to incorporate normal eating habits, especially if you don't want to have counting calories ruling your life! 

My transisition to not counting calories was meeting with a nutritionist to develop a meal plan.  It was a slow process but I set my mind to following my meal plan no matter what.  I didnt stop counting right away though.  Some random days I would just add up what i had eaten so far and then get so frustrated.  But the relief I get from not counting is amazing.  I dont have a bar set for myself where I have to eat below that amount, plus I am not running calculations through my head all day long.  Not counting really helps to normalize my eating.  Eventually I will scratch the meal plan, follow it as a rough rough guideline...and eat...the way I used to again!

what kind of foods were on your meal plan? 

also, i am very very worried because i haven't met with my doctor yet--i am going tomorrow--so i haven't had the best habits for the past few weeks. It takes me forever to decide what and when to eat, and I can never tell if I'm hungry or not!

Plus, I don't even know what a "healthy" meal is anymore!

Reading your post, I do not think you should not be counting calories because of your extremely apparent mindset. You might be making calories but you're doing it poorly. There are no bad foods and no, what you ate is not bad. What concerns me is that you might think it is.

I suggest you ask your doctor about inpatient treatment. It will help you to stop thinking about it so much. Stop WEIGHING so much. You'll be retaining water for two weeks while you increase anyway and you should NOT be weighing yourself more than once a week or even once a fortnight.

Again, ask your doctor about inpatient. You are at no sort of weight to be messing around.

grains, vegetables, fruits, dairy, fats (lipids), protein. I get to make decisions on what I eat which is difficult at times, but its easier to say okay I need a protein, a dairy and 3 grains (for me).  I think meeting with a nutritionist help consider what a "healthy" meal was, and to learn/attempt to rate my hunger if there was any.  Overall it just helped my eating habits, and the process of gaining weight.

1. You will ALWAYS weigh more at night than you do in the morning. At night, you've been eating all day, and if you are early in recovery espeically - chances are you aren't having multiple "potty breaks" throughout the day. Weigh yourself once a week at most, same day, same time, and you will get a much more accurate read as to what your weight is doing.

2. All food is possesses nutritive properties and therefore is good for you. It just depends on where the majority of your intake is coming from. I agree with chrissy - if it weren't for your outing to McDonalds - there is not way your intake would have been enough. Don't feel guilty over it. If you can eat McDonalds' - go for it. There's no use in letting ED-rules continue to control your life, and for many people, fast food is part of a normal life.

3. That being said - it is not the best idea to become dependent on things like that to make your calorie goal. Things like avocadoes, nuts and nut butters, high-calorie cereals like granola, shredded wheat, and any one of the awesome oatmeal recipes you might see in the WG menu thread, are all great ways to get calories in through healthy means. Also, whole grain pastas with dressing or sauces made with olive oil, casseroles, dressed vegetables, hummus, etc - all good, healthy things to include in your diet. I also recommend you use whole milk and whole fat (or at least low-fat) yogurts, cheeses etc. If you don't feel comfortable with whole milk (I didn't at first), i highly recommend Bolthosue Farms Soy Vanilla Chai Protein Shake for cereals. That's what I typically used before I bit the bullet on WM. They have the same amount of calories just about. And its quite tasty.

4. When you are so drastically underweight - your body will need some time to adjust to processing food. That jump you have seen may be largely water weight, especially given the amount of salt that is in things like fast food - that can cause rather upsetting fluid shifts. It is normal to feel hungry when you begin refeeding yourself - your body and metabolism are waking up and trying to let you know you are doing the right thing by eating.

5. This "chub" as you so affectionately call it is nothing to be afraid of. Initially, yes, some of the weight you gain may go to your midsection. It is the body's first instinct to store weight there for easy access. HOWEVER. If you keep your intake up, I promise you 1000 times over that your weight WILL redistribute to where it needs to go. It doesn't stay there forever, it just takes your body some time to put the weight where it needs to be.

6. Yes, you will be able to stop gaining when the time comes, and yes, you will be able to eat like a normal person. You may want to consider talking to a therapist or nutritionist to help you deal with these issues though.

7. Should you count calories? That depends on what makes you feel most comfortable. I personally felt that I had to count calories because I didn't just myself/my ED to truly eat the amount that I needed to gain without a plan. I find choice, in the moment, to be overwhelming at times, so having my meals pre-planned really helped me.  However, if you feel that you can truly eat enough and get a 2500-3000 calorie minimum without counting, then go for it. If you feel that you can't do this without guidance, either find a nutritionist or talk to your doctor and insurane company and start looking into IP.

If this started in Jan then you lost 30 plus pounds in 4 months and you started at a thin weight. That is very dangerous so first I would suggest going to the doctor for a physical. Now you are very underweight and with how quick you got there you need a check up.

Now I am working with my nutritionist on an exchange based meal plan. Each meal and snack is set up in carbs/protein/fat/fruits/veg/dairy or what ever is needed at that time. Anyhow it averages the total calories I need daily but tries to get me to be less rigid. If you want I can email you a sample one or post it on here depending on calorie needs. All food are ok that meaning McDonalds but you also want to get in your nutrient needs. I think a combo of both fun foods and healthy ones makes this more tolerable.

I wonder though what set this anorexia off in Jan and had such a quick spiral. I hope you can work on that too. So my advice is go to the doctors for a physical,establish a structured meal plan and stop the weighing for awhile because your body is confused right now,and work on what caused this so that you can find better ways to cope and be healthy. Oh yea deep breaths too though I do understand the anxiety

Thank you all so much for the advice. The reason I don't want to count calories is for my own sanity rather than anything else. I guess I'm afraid that if I DO count, I might fall back into obsessing over counting, but if I DON'T count, I'll be eating too much or too little! 

So yes, maybe if you guys have ideas for some meals and snacks! Especially lunches. Lunchtime came around today and I felt completely lost. I tried to make a "normal" meal, but I ended up eating a bunch of random breakfast foods--cereal, yogurt, waffle with cream cheese along with like, half a boca burger that was in the freezer. 

And how many calories do you guys think I should be eating in a day? My goal is to be up to 110-115 by the end of August and it seems so impossible! 

I am seeing my medical doctor tomorrow so hopefully she can answer some of these. I'm just scared because I realize now how important every bite is, but I almost feel like it would be better to just stop counting altogether and just listen to when my body tells me that it's hungry, full, etc. and just eat what I want.

Also concerned bc I am taking a trip to France with my parents to visit my Mom's relatives and we're going to be walking around a lot and stuff. So I need to make sure I'm eating and drinking enough.

What should I drink in a day? With the ED I was drinking basically all water and coffee which is baaaad.

Ok sorry for all the questions. Please post drinks, snacks, meals, ANYTHING! 

2500 is the bare minimum for females. if you are active, you will need more. I needed 3600-3800 on bedrest to gain a pound a week, and am only an inch or two taller than you are. Start from 2500, and work your way up as needed. When you go to France - don't skimp on anything. They have wonderful food there, but it is aso frequently served in small portions. Baguettes, cheeses, pastries, croissants with butter, entrees with gravies and sauces - those are the kind of things you will need to eat, and frequently. I suggest you bring some familiar foods for yourself that are transportable. Maybe bring snack baggies of trail mixes or nuts with dried fruits to munch on while you are out walking between meals? Because all the walking could easily add up to another 400 or 500 calories that you'll need to eat in a day.

It is very important to learn to eat what you want without counting. However, I do not think it is wise for your right now. It is far, far too easy for the ED to sneak in and prevent you from getting the calories you need. You need some sort of system to ensure you get the calories in, or else there is a very good chance you never will. If you don't want to do specific calories, talk to a nutritionist and learn about the exchanges system. That may work for you since its not about calories per say. An example would be a breakfast: 4 Starches, 2 fats, 1-2 proteins, 1 fruit, 1 dairy. So breakfast could be a bakery-bought muffin (4S,2F)  and 1 cup cottage cheese (2P,1D) and a sliced banana. Or it could also be a large bagel (4S) with two fried eggs and 2 tsp butter (2P/2F) and a smoothie made with 1 cup of milk and a cup of frozen fruit.  See how that works? You don't look at the calories that way.

You should get your calories in the way works best for you. If you enjoy things like juices, milk, shakes, smoothies - by all means have them! Liquid calories can make early refeeding much easier on your stomach. I wouldn't shoot for more than 1/5 of your calories in liquids though, unless you are having problems digesting solids. having a glass of milk or juice with each meal/snack is fine though, as is occasionally having a shake or smoothie for a quick snack. Try not to use liquids as your main source of calories though - get the majority from food so you can get used to eating enough to keep yourself healthy.

I think you don't want to eat to much to fast b.c it will screw with your metabolism.  Don't be afraid to count calories again, it will help you!  ( :  It sounds like  you were really healthy before, so I'm sure it will be easy for you to get back in your groove once you get going.