Wedding: MIL invited way too many guests

My future mother-in-law has really gone overboard inviting guests.  She keeps adding more and more people.  She has invited every Tom, Dick, and Harry and all their kids while  I have deliberately left out friends and family to keep costs down.  At this point, no more can really be added because we are totally out of invitations completely. 

The problem is that I'm really angry about this and don't know how to get over it.  My parents are paying for this, and they are retired and not exactly rich...  She has said she's willing to help pay for things and to "Just ask."  I do not feel comfortable doing that.  Money is so touchy.

This anger is stressing me out, and I don't want to start a marriage holding a grudge against my "new family."  So what do I do to not be angry?

well, what I would do would be to ask your fiancee to talk to her about it or both of you do it together.  Ask her to uninvite some of the people such as children or contribute money to help pay for it all.  If you can get some more invitations invite more of your friends (at the MILs expense if possible)that way you will hopefully feel better.

I am getting married soon too and there are so many ways of approaching this situation, but I think the best thing is at leas to get the fiancee involved.  His family is ultimately his responsibility and its not fair for him to put all the pressure on you.

Put your foot down.   Ideally, talk to your fiancee so that you respond as a team but - if he's reluctant -  make it quite clear to MIL that she's got to curb her enthusiasm and un-invite her extra guests.  I don't even think you should offer her the option of paying for them as that's giving her the message that it's OK to go behind your back as long as she stumps up some cash.  This isn't her wedding, after all.  You don't want to arrive at your own party and find you don't know anyone.

It's the principle at stake here.  It's important to set the scene now and not be steamrollered or you may find that MIL will think she can interfere at will in the future.   Show that you are your own woman at this stage and she'll give you more respect.

Oh, damn, I know JUST how you feel.

My mother-in-law did the same thing (don't even START me on Reciprocity. I Do NOT think it 'just makes sense' that if XXX's son/daughter invites you to their wedding, then your son/daughter must invite us to theirs.)

Buggit, you have three choices, only three.

1) Let your MIL-to-be steamroll you. (I, personally, reject this notion.)

2) Put your foot down and say "No. You aren't paying for these people and I've already had to cut people out. No." Get husband-to-be to help you cut the list down (since he may know MIL's friends/family better than you do.)

3) Get your MIL to pay for these people she 'has' to invite. All costs. Not just Food and Wine but Chairs, if necessary. Let MIL know that you're operating on a tight budget and you can NOT swing all these people being added to the list.)

This may be a wedding, but this is NOT a time to go into debt, not with the economy being what it is. Avoid that if you can and confront your MIL, one way or the other.

Personally, I'm more fond of the, "This is my wedding day, you already had yours," argument.  My in-laws wanted me to invite family that neither my husband or I'm close with just so they wouldn't feel left out.  As small and as cheap as our wedding was anyway, that didn't roll with me, and I made sure to say so.

Me & my Hubby were paying for our wedding, but my Dad had loads of people he wanted there (friends, work buddies etc.) I said fine as long as he paid for them and I knew them. No way was I sitting at my own wedding not knowing half the guests! I'd get your fiance to sit down (calmly) and tell her that you've (both) had to leave out friends and family because of costs and numbers. Tell her the venue has put a 'cap' on how many can come, and you're going to have to take a closer look at the invite list- have they been sent out yet? Hopefully not, then you'll have more lee-way? You're better off saying something now otherwise it'll simmer and cast a shadow over what should be a happy day with YOUR closest friends & family.

That same thing happened to me.  I had to sit down with her.  I told her as D and I are paying for the wedding ourselves (no help from anyone) then we will be the ones deciding the guest list.  And we did.  We sat down and talked about every person and invited the ones we felt should go.  He had many more than I did, and we did invite some that not only are we not close with but people I have never even met.  But we were able to cut out her X-work friends and others like that.  The list is down to a more suitable number and if she unilaterally invites people that I do not approve or know of, they simply can't get on the boat.  We have a list.  The list is final. 

HK forgot #4:

Don't get married.

When you marry, you marry the family.

I'm with CD, my wedding, my guest list.  I even cut "friends" out that my OH added because he's a politeness host, he'd added people that we see a couple of times a year at mutual friends events.

We've agreed on the guest list, we gave a copy to my parents and his and asked for opinions / suggestions but under no circumstances will MIL be inviting anyone.

Well since the invitations are already done - then the invites are done- but one thing hubby and I did was have 2 receptions.  ONe at the church with the cake and punch for our "parent's friends" then we had the real reception at my parents backyard for the party- food, booze music and stuff.  This reception was just for family and friends of ours not parents.  We didn't have a sit down dinner or stuff like that we didn't have any money but it turned out wonderful.  My parents and his parents were happy we were happy to get the extra "goodies" and no "extra friends" were offended for not being invited.

I have been married for a long time and I am very lucky to have a wonderful mil.  I understand that you are upset about the situation but just want to remind you that after you marry your bf, she will be in your life on a regular basis for the rest of it.  I would caution you to tread softly and have your bf handle the difficult conversations with his mother.  If he is unsure about speaking to his mother, just tell him that you will be happy to address any issues that come up with your mother.  Remember, this is just the beginning.  You will be in for loads of fun once the grandchildren start coming!  Good luck!

Original Post by huggitbear:

My future mother-in-law has really gone overboard inviting guests.  She keeps adding more and more people.  She has invited every Tom, Dick, and Harry and all their kids while  I have deliberately left out friends and family to keep costs down.  At this point, no more can really be added because we are totally out of invitations completely. 

The problem is that I'm really angry about this and don't know how to get over it.  My parents are paying for this, and they are retired and not exactly rich...  She has said she's willing to help pay for things and to "Just ask."  I do not feel comfortable doing that.  Money is so touchy.

This anger is stressing me out, and I don't want to start a marriage holding a grudge against my "new family."  So what do I do to not be angry?

eek! Who gave her access to the invitations?  How did this happen?  If the invitations are already sent then there isn't a lot you can do about it.  It sound like the communication wasn't there on who's wedding this is, girl!   This might not be what you want to hear, but I would not be blaming your future MIL too much, with out placing the blame on everyone else as well.  You have to be upfront and firm on what you want.  If you and are not, then things like this will happen. 

My best advice is to not sweat the small stuff.  What’s done is done, and just learn from this.  If you want to invite more people, maybe just have a separate potluck/gathering of the people that were not invited.  I like Dbackers idea about having two separate celebrations.  Enjoy your wedding!  This will be the start the rest of your lives together.  Good luck.

I agree with crazi.

Too late to blame the future MIL if you let her run amok with the invites.

But you and groom-to-be can talk to her on how the wedding is out of control financially due to the heavy invite list and see if she has some suggestions on how to pull it off.

If the invitations have already been sent then you have a couple of choices:

1) Ask the MIL to pay for all the extra guests in full and just deal with having them there.

2) Write a so sorry note to send retracting the invitation, it's tacky, but doable and it really makes her look bad rather than you.  You can use the excuse of the venue not being large enough, costs, just not knowing the people.  It's still tacky, but someone should have the balls to do it.

3) Compose a cancellation note indicating a change in date/venue and invite them to a party of the MIL's choice.  This is much easier to do if the date for the wedding hasn't been set or can be moved.

I'm going to have to agree and say that I can't only blame her.  I am definately to blame for not being firmer and saying no.  Hindsight is 20/20 is definately true.  The invitations are already out.  It's not so vital that we uninvite people, just I'd prefer less people.  I think it is something that I am going to have to just let go and hopefully learn from.  Perhaps we will have to ask for some help in paying for these people.  Thanks for your help everyone.

Luckily I have a future MIL that doesn't want to intrude at all on my day. I want her help and stuff but my fiance has to tell her that it's ok to give me her input! She gave us a small list of friends she'd like there, and most are people that my fiance knows. Anyway, I"m in charge of the guest list so if she invited like 30 people, i'd have to tell my fiance to talk to her about it.I have a gigantic family so our guest list is large already before we even invite friends. So since they have such a tiny family, they deserve to invite the friends as well.

But honestly, you can't let her walk over you. You need to be firm w/ in laws fromt he get go so they don't think they have the right to run your life. The soone ryou start, the better!

Original Post by smwhipple:

3) Compose a cancellation note indicating a change in date/venue and invite them to a party of the MIL's choice.  This is much easier to do if the date for the wedding hasn't been set or can be moved.

 I love this idea! I'd advise telling her about it first too....