Out of Wedlock!
I would like to know if everyone on this forum is pregnant and married except for me. I ask because sometimes I have feelings of shame and sometimes I feel like it's such a blessing to have been given this opportunity to bring a child into this world, especially since I thought I couldn't have kids anyway. Before telling my parents I was really scared because I thought they would be mad at me because I was not married. I've been with my BF for almost 3 years and we both wanted to be married before having kids. He wanted to especially because he already has 2 kids and a stepson from his first marriage. I decided that I would never pressure him into marriage because he was pressured before because his ex had already had his little girl and she threatened to leave and take their child if he didn't marry her. So now he's in the same situation almost with me but like I said I am not going to pressure him. The thing is that my Mama's side of the family is pretty conservative but my Father's is not. I don't think there is one person on her side that has had a child out of wedlock. My Mama though was already pregnant with me when she and my Dad got married or eloped. She said that my Granny(her Mama) was mad at her at first but then came around after I was born. Also I'm nervous about telling everyone that I'm pregnant including my co-workers. I never wanted to be pregnant and not married. I know it's my fault for not using protection and making the decision to not be on birth control, but I decided against the birth control for very good reasons. It wasn't that I was lazy or anything like that, I just hated the way it made me feel while taking it over the years. My BF and I always used the pullout method and it worked for almost 3 years. Another thing is that I'm 32 almost 33 years old and I wanted to try to have a child in another year or so anyway, but first I wanted us to be married.
I would just like to know everyone's thoughts on having kids out of wedlock because I was not raised this way and I'm just concerned that I'm not setting a good example. I expect some negative remarks but I hope they are not too harsh because things could be worse I could be 16 with 2-3 kids by 3 different fathers. :/
Original Post by ldenning:
Gee, I hate to be the stick-in-the mud, but it seems like all anyone ever thinks about is what THEY want. What about the children? Children deserve to born into the world with a mother AND a father. And a wedding ring and marriage certificate are NOT just a piece of paper. They are a commitment to love, honor and obey each other for life. Although my sister was married when she had my nephews, she got divorced, married, divorced, married, divorced, lived with a guy for 5 years and got married again. Sometimes the boys lived with her, sometimes with her. The oldest boy committed suicide at age 23. The youngest is a meth addict and is currently in prison for trafficking in drugs and stealing to support his habit. Don't tell me that their tumultuous childhood did not lead to their problems.
Men who make women pregnant should BE MEN and take care of the lives they create. If your boyfriend won't marry you, think about adoption. There are plenty of loving couples out there who would love to raise your baby. It's not a hopelessly old-fashioned idea, but the most unselfish thing you could do. It doesn't matter what other people think of you, it's a matter of doing the best thing for your child.
What if they have a loving mother and a father who couldn't give a damn- are you saying they're still better off because theres a man about!?!? Whewww?!
Having a child is a bigger commitment than marriage ever will be!
Oh my goodness! Adoption is out of the question and never entered my mind!! I've wanted a child for years and now I've been given the chance and I'm taking it! Yes me and my BF are committed. I love his kids as if they were my own! I take care of them, I do for them as if there were my own as well, so yes I'd say we are committed. I know he wants to marry me but I don't think he wanted to get married next month or anything. As my original post says, he was married before out of peer pressure and it didn't work out. That's why I do not want to pressure him. Yes we are both grown and we both knew the consequences of not using protection and opting for the withdrawal method but as I stated before I thought I couldn't get pregnant, at least without some serious trying by calculating ovulation days and body temperature, etc. Our anniversary as BF and GF is in September. The only reason why the wedlock bothers me is because I know that we both preferred to be married first before having a child, but at the same time, I still wasn't going to pressure him into marriage even if I wasn't pregnant, but I am almost 33 as well, so I wasn't going to wait around much longer anyway, because I did want to at least be pregnant before 35. My Mom's side of the family is pretty conservative and that is another reason why I'm a bit nervous about them finding out. In the end you all are right, I am grown and I shouldn't worry and when my baby is here I know I won't worry because I will be focused on my baby, but in the meantime is the hard time. I appreciate all of the responses and I will take them all into consideration. My main focus right now is to keep myself healthy. I'm still in shock to think that I will be having a child soon. It seems unreal! It seems like I'm dreaming! I don't see how all this is going to happen. January seems so far away but so near! I'm about to cry just thinking about. Plus I'm an only child so it will be a hard adjustment having to tend to someone else other than just myself. Plus I'm spoiled, but now I can spoil my baby for sure!!
And as for "setting an example" for your kid, remember that we don't even know what the social norms will be like in another 20 years. Being a loving person, and achieving your dreams, is the best example you can set. Let your child know that they are wanted and loved, and that you hope that their children, in turn, are wanted and loved.
So... when are you going to tell your folks?
Original Post by ldenning:
Gee, I hate to be the stick-in-the mud, but it seems like all anyone ever thinks about is what THEY want. What about the children? Children deserve to born into the world with a mother AND a father. And a wedding ring and marriage certificate are NOT just a piece of paper. They are a commitment to love, honor and obey each other for life. Although my sister was married when she had my nephews, she got divorced, married, divorced, married, divorced, lived with a guy for 5 years and got married again. Sometimes the boys lived with her, sometimes with her. The oldest boy committed suicide at age 23. The youngest is a meth addict and is currently in prison for trafficking in drugs and stealing to support his habit. Don't tell me that their tumultuous childhood did not lead to their problems.
Men who make women pregnant should BE MEN and take care of the lives they create. If your boyfriend won't marry you, think about adoption. There are plenty of loving couples out there who would love to raise your baby. It's not a hopelessly old-fashioned idea, but the most unselfish thing you could do. It doesn't matter what other people think of you, it's a matter of doing the best thing for your child.
What the hell!??? Give the child up for adoption because mother and father aren't married yet??? Is that doing the best for the child? And why is it "men who make women pregnant" and not "couples who get pregnant", seeing as it still takes 2 to tango. That your nephews ended up in such a terrible state is very sad indeed, but that doesn't mean ALL children born out of wedlock or dragged through divorces and weddings will end up the same.
Does a wedding ring make a man a better father? Your sister already proved that a wedding ring makes bugger all difference to wether parents will stay together or not. And not being married certainly does NOT mean someone loves their kids any less.
The love for a child is not determined by a couple of vows made between its parents. It's determined by the care and nurture the parents give to the child.
I had my daughter out of wedlock .
I love her more than anything.
me and her father are not together.
That is for the best.
I have never felt bad or ashamed .
The world has changed , Its not so much a stigma like a decade ago.
I am proud to have her and have never regreted my choice to bring her into this world =)
Feel blessed
First off let me say I am probably considered a Conservative Christian. I think most PPL in general prefer to be married before they get pregnant. My plans are definitely to be married first. But once life is created there's no turning back in my book, and I wouldn't consider adoption either. I just do everything in my power to keep it from happening.
Your child is on his/her way now regardles of if you are married or single, just continue to do everything in your power to love and provide for your child and yourself. Screw what everyone else thinks. There are soooo many unwed mothers in the world, you can probably find a website for it where you could go for support if ya ever need it.
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