what - about weight gain - are you afraid of?

i think this is where most ed sufferers frequent the most so i thought id ask it here. i had a weird day yest and today. my family were away for almost a month and so they came back yest. i hate the word - but i binged. or rather i ate too much all day. i felt such relief that they were back and it was safe to eat and so i did. plenty. i considered restricting today. considered it long and hard. i didnt. i ate normally. i had maybe 1300-1500 in excess yesterday.

my fears remain even though im out of the acute stages of an ed, i still have massive fears about weight gain.

my fear is that ppl will see it on me. that tomorrow at work it will be noticable i have lost some sort of control and resulted in puttin on weight. that people will judge me. that they will be disgusted by me. i dont weigh myself anymore. the numbers used to destroy me.

some people are terrified of seeing the number on the scale. others are afraid of other things....

what are you afraid of?

Its not the physical part of weight gain that upsets me, its the fact that I will be like everyone else and I wont get special attention for being different (aka-grossly skinny). Although when I was (well i still kinda am) underweight I HATED people saying -shes soo thin!! and i longed to look like the girls my own age who could wear dresses and shorts. So i like the physciality of weight gain-i look way more attractive,i just need to deal with my attention seeking ways. I think im a rare breed of someone with an ED who actually hated looking so skinny, but i liked the ATTENTION, not for being skinny, just the attention.

im sorry youve been having a rough time , thankyou for sharing it with us.

grt idea for a topic , my fear is the feeling of wrong i feel when i eat , im constantly thinking other people are thinking the same of me a bit werid i know

i worry when i am gaining as i worry what other people think like im being greedy

what really worrys me is i like food so much i oftn worry i wont be able to stop

i worry the gaining of weight will never stop

a big worry for me is the right and wrong decison making, i have a very much all or nothing way of thinking

I've had some periods in my life that I was a bit overweight and was absolutely miserable b/c of it.  I know rationally that there were controllable reasons for being overweight (med side effects, binging, etc.).  But still I fear that I will go back to that weight range and me miserable.

Also, I married a man who is very unattracted to fat women.  I fear that I will get too fat in his eyes and be too fat in his eyes and he won't be attracted to me anymore.

I fear I won't be able to make the weight gain stop once I get to my goal weight.

This one probably seems silly but I fear my thighs getting so big that they touch or rub together....I absolutely hate that feeling. 

Lastly, I fear that once I'm better I'll have to deal with all of the problems in my life that I don't want to deal with, in particular facing my failure up until this point to complete my doctoral dissertation. 

"Lastly, I fear that once I'm better I'll have to deal with all of the problems in my life that I don't want to deal with"

amen.... i think everyone of us feels this

Pretty much everything you've all said. I've always been the 'thin' one (even before ED I didn't have a BMI of 20) and it's become part of my identity. I'm afraid others will judge me.

Fidget: good work on not restricting.

I worry that I`ll get back to a healthy weight and everyone will automatically just look at me and think that everythings fine and that nothings wrong. My mum for example seems to just think that if I woke up tomorrow at a healthy weight Id be straight back to normal and fine again.

Im scared that I`ll not be able to stop gaining, that I`ll go over, that I`ll swing from anorexia to being a binge eater.

Whenever I`m at a low weight I can use this to hide from the world, not as much is expected of me because I`m not totally well so I cant do normal proper things. If I get back to a healthy weight more will be expected of me. One of the things in my life that caused me great sadness and I still havent totally gotten over it was having to drop out of University,  in a way I think I used my illness as justifying this happening. I felt like a complete failure for having to leave but to make myself feel slightly better I justified it by saying to myself, you werent well, your ed took control over you it wasnt your fault you couldnt cope. So if I got back to being healthy Id feel like I should be trying uni again etc but Im afraid to fail again.

I never felt like I fitted in at school, I always tried to be someone I wasnt, always tried to impress people just to get them to like me. When Im at my lowest no-one wants to be bothered with me and I can use my anorexia as an excuse for that instead of taking it really personally.

This was something that was brought up in treatment about the fears around weight. Anyhow not only did I have to list my fears I had to also look at if those fears came true then what? If some of the fears I have are just fears and in reality they most likely would not come true. If they did come true could I get through it in a healthy way? For me a lot is facing my life instead of escaping through the ed.

Fidget I am glad you posted this as you can see we all relate. I'm also proud of you for reaching out here about yourself. You always support others but what about you? I'm glad you did not restrict today because that will just keep the cycle going and you don't want that as you have come to far. I see you stated a little of why this cycle may have started so I hope you can use the tools you have to get through in a healthy way.

thanks abbi. yeah. sometimes i can distance myself from the ed and forget that i am a sufferer too. i can forget that i am not far from falling right back into that hole. when i say it out loud, i see how close i am.

betty, your post made my heart ache some. i feared that so much too about gaining - that people would think i was "okay". that my breaking heart had healed itself and that now i was strong enough for life. actually the opposite happened. i think people understood i was letting my crutches go and that now that the weight was on and the distraction of starvation was gone, i was as vulnerable as the day i was born. people watched me carefully knowing that i was facing the real stuff. not hiding anymore. when you talk about not fitting in or trying to be someone else i can also relate. if you ever get the opportunity, read "desiderata". its a prayer/poem. but there is a line in it - which brings tears to my eyes but also helps me.

it says "you are a child of the universe - no less than the stars and the trees. you have a right to be here". and when i read it i start to feel i belong

To be honest, I don't have a fear of the actual weight gain - but a fear of how much others are expecting/expected me to gain. The reason behind this is because when I was in IP at the hospital and afterwards when I had to go to the ED  & Adolescent Medicine Clinic at the hospital, the overall goal weight they wanted me to see me achieve was way above what my body weight was before all of this even happend. I have always been tiny. They never looked through my records/weight charts from my Dr. They asked to, but once they found out my history (of being born premature), they did not want to consider looking at it anymore. They said being born premature should not have anything to do with it. It just frustrates me when people always forget that I was born small. I don't think my tiny frame could handle the weight that most people think I should be weighing. I guess everyones elses opinions on how much I should weigh based on height and age just scares me because I really want to gain weight, I just don't think I can do as good as everyone is expecting me to.

fidget its grt to see you reaching out for support , like abbie said your always so helpful in aiding others in health and support in there recovery , but ive ever seen you take anything bk

betty i can totally relate to what you said

this has been a really usual discussion  and has really made me think about things

wow. these posts are really inspiring.

i guess i'm afraid that i'm just not meant to be skinny. i think that for me to be healthy i have to be bigger than everyone else my age and fat in all the wrong places. my whole life up until the ed i was large, possibly overweight but i'm not sure, and now i just want to be a healthy size but i don't think that's meant for me. i'm scared of ending up where i was before in the long-term, and in the short-term i'm scared that all of my weight will just go to my stomach. i know that's stupid. i try to remind myself that even as a size twelve thirteen year-old i was extremely happy and healthy, much more so then the fifteen year old who could only wear a kid's eight. i also try to remind myself that i only have to be a normal, healthy weight, nothing more, but i know that my end goal is to eat whenever i want whatever i want without feeling guilty or anxious, not actually a weight. so i'm scared that when i start eating like that again i will get too big.

i'm afraid because i'll no longer have an excuse for being a bad friend/daughter/roommate/lover/employee/perso n.

i'm afraid because i won't have anything to distract me from all of the pain i haven't even begun to deal with.

i'm afraid because i don't think i'll ever have the family that i've always wanted.

i'm afraid because i won't have an excuse to for being such a cold, bitter, disconnected individual. 

i'm afraid because i feel the need to prove to the world that i don't exist, and i don't want a body to prove that i do.

The things im scared of about weight gain:

1. Looking Chunky
2. Not being able to stop eating
3. Not feeling confident with my body.

These are the things im scared of. =[

This is really dumb, but a lot of random friends have nicknamed me "Lil Leah" because I'm always the smallest out of the group.  I'm afraid I'll just be plain "Leah" if I'm at a weight that is considered normal.

I'm afraid of not being pretty anymore.  A lot of people, guys especially, have commented on how small my body is and how it's perfect for me.  If I gain weight, I won't be as attractive to other people anymore.

I'm afraid of not fitting into my clothes and/or feeling I won't be able to wear them because they will not look good, therefore I will not feel good.  I have a LOT of clothes.  

Someone else said it, but I'm afraid everyone will think I'm finally OK when in reality, I'll have to deal with the mentality of feeling the need to be skinny my whole entire life.

I'm afraid of disappointing my Dad who says, "skinnier is prettier" and who also almost pulled me out of freshman year of college to move back home so he could monitor what I ate because I put on the Freshman 15 + 3 lbs.  Messed up I know.  He's gotten a lot better now and has stopped making comments about my weight and about the food choices I decide to eat.

Come on, fidget. You must know that it's not positive to encourage everyone to share all their reasons for not wanting to gain weight.

i think this post could be really good if we turned it into something positive. can we start over with the first ones and address why each is NOT something we need to be scared of? our fears are very real to us, i'm not denying that, but they don't need to be. and i agree with fidget, it is nice to know that we're not alone. 

Okay, before we start the new venture i just want to throw in my couple before i het the sack. Mostly, im afraid ill lose control and wake up one morning being 330 lbs again and wondering what the hell happened. Also, when i tell peolple i lost weight and got from where i was to where i am they are always pretty impressed and surprised and im worried ill loose that badge. Basically, i have come to associate myself with weight loss and a low weight rather than all the other things that make me special.

I used to love to sing, laugh, climb trees, make people laugh, bake for people, be adventurous, play the guitar, grab a PB&J on the go and set a new best for myself when i was in the gym. Now... im the guy who can maintain a weight that makes people who dont know him wonder if something is wrong and makes the people that care about him worry about what decisions he makes about food (constantly, it seems). Im also the guy who makes his mother cry. go me...

(drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama drama dramatic!)

thanks blueberry lips. God merylwhite im a bit offended by that. most ppl here know im hugely pro-recovery and stand for no B.S.

i thought it was an interesting way of seeing what you're hiding from. everyone's disorder is a hideaway or a distraction from something. i didnt ask "what's great about being underweight". i asked "what gets in the way of you getting better"

and maybe if you highlight these things then you are in a position to challenge and change them. one of the reason weight restoration only - results in  a high amount of relapses is because it never tackles the underlying issues.

Original Post by fidget84:

God merylwhite im a bit offended by that. most ppl here know im hugely pro-recovery and stand for no B.S.

Of course I know that. That's why I'm surprised you posted this - after all you were the one who complained just a few days ago when someone else posted about the negative comments others have made over her eating habits while in recovery. If that was too negative... this isn't?

It wasn't my intention to offend.

Thanks fidget, that was a really nice quote.

I didnt take this as a post for my reasons of not wanting to put on weight, its just some fears but I realise that the advantages of putting on weight outweigh these fears greatly. Id at least be able to do more things with my life than I currently can.