what - about weight gain - are you afraid of?

i think this is where most ed sufferers frequent the most so i thought id ask it here. i had a weird day yest and today. my family were away for almost a month and so they came back yest. i hate the word - but i binged. or rather i ate too much all day. i felt such relief that they were back and it was safe to eat and so i did. plenty. i considered restricting today. considered it long and hard. i didnt. i ate normally. i had maybe 1300-1500 in excess yesterday.

my fears remain even though im out of the acute stages of an ed, i still have massive fears about weight gain.

my fear is that ppl will see it on me. that tomorrow at work it will be noticable i have lost some sort of control and resulted in puttin on weight. that people will judge me. that they will be disgusted by me. i dont weigh myself anymore. the numbers used to destroy me.

some people are terrified of seeing the number on the scale. others are afraid of other things....

what are you afraid of?

no i didnt think it was negative. well its not intended to be. when i was in hospital, they made me do an anxiety group. i struggle alot with panic and chronic anxiety. there was this cool psychologist (who's now my psychologist). instead of coping techniques to help you survive the anxiety, he wanted to get rid of it. the only way you could get rid of it was to learn more about it. the only way to learn more about it was to get into it.

there was one woman in the group who had had a baby. she was terrified of the baby. wouldnt go near it. wouldnt bond with it. it was destroying her life. this psychologist used the "so what if" technique to get into the hub of the fear. if you do this enough times you start to get to the root of the prob. so it was like this with her

why wont you hold your baby or spend time with her? im afraid she'll cry. and what would that mean? that she's not comfortable being with me and that i wont be able to make her stop. and what would that mean? i might become upset myself so what if you did? i might hurt her. i might hit her. so what if you did? she'd be taken from me, she might even die. my world would collapse around me. i would go insane.

and so ultimately we started to see really what she was afraid of. she wasnt really afraid of her daughter crying. and when she started to look at what she was really afraid of, the options to help her thought patterns and resulting behaviour were increased enormously.

it was one of the turning point techniques in my recovery. it wasnt my intention to be negative

I think this thread is a good idea because it confronts those issues we might be afraid to disclose to others because they think it's 'unreasonable' or silly'

i am afraid of being 'average', although at times i look at my friends and crave what they have, i still don't ever want to just fit in. i feel like being underweight gives me something to grasp onto in times when i need comfort, making me different from the rest.

i am afraid of the way i will look. this may sound vain, but like already mentioned, i am so afraid of my thighs touching, i hate that feeling. :/

i am no longer dancing, which is my one true love, i can truly just not manage it, and i feel like if i got well and returned, then i would, well, suck, and not be as good as i know that i can be and everyone will see how bad ive got and i will be ashamed of myself. it breaks my heart to not dance.

i am afraid of just being 'okay', especially at school. i often recieve alot of extensions and allowances because of being ill, and i am scared that i would no be able to produce my work on time. i also cannot currently produce my highest quality of work, but i feel as though this is okay to teachers because  they are aware i am unwell.

rcj92, I know exactly what u mean. Over the past five years, I have become accustomed to a lifestyle that allows me to, hand in essays late, go home from work early, take a nap, get a car ride somewhere, have things my way, becasue I am unwell-i dont want this anymore!, but Im scared of not having it. Its a fear of growing up and taking responsibility for my life. And then when I do that, having to be perfect at it, and then having to accept-noones perfect! I too love to dance and would love to go back. Im on my way though, and Im trying to grow up, not for my parents to be proud of me, but for me.

Stay strong your not alone. Keep growing

xx

"Its a fear of growing up and taking responsibility for my life. And then when I do that, having to be perfect at it".

the only person putting that onus of perfection is you. perfection in anything - i believe is never achieved. a far greater acheivement is knowing that you put your best into something. put your best into everything and within yourself you will acquire the satisfaction you seek from perfection. if that makes sense.

acceptance is the key to recovery i think. in a skills group i did last year, there was one skill called radical acceptance. when you fight reality, you create suffering. ie: when you fight a natural weight for your body, you suffer the pain of starvation and restriction and purging or overexercising.. or when you fight the fact that nothing and nobody is perfect you create suffering - by constantly trying to improve, pushing yourself beyond your limits, never allowing yourself a break, always striving for faster-longer-thinner-higher.

when you accept reality, you are in a position to work with what you do have. accepting your body weight, it may frustrate you at times. there maybe features you dont like. but you get to enjoy friends, Christmas dinner, sports, movies, nights out, holidays. and i guarantee that the amount of frustration you feel about your body does not equate to the enjoyment that can be had from pursuing all that you are missing out on while refusing to accept reality

fidget- i agree that acceptance is the key- and one needs to 'accept' this in order to recover, which is the hardest part.

driven, thankyou <3

i am 18 soon, and i fear being responsible for myself. my mum is my lifeline, and i am afraid of the real world. i am glad i am not as crazy as i feel.

hang in there guys xx

i can relate with so many people on this thread.

my fear is that i will be lost once i finish weight gaining. by lost i mean that i will no longer have an identity but my own, which i struggle to find on most days. having an ed gives me the attention i don't particullarly want but its something i cling to anyway. i guess once im finished it should be such a relief and all i want is for it to be over yet all i do is cling to ed because its the only identity i have at the moment. it sounds a tad pathetic wanting to cling to ed for an idnetity but its true.

i have changed completley though and during the last couple of weeks i'm finding my thoughts within ed and i am seeing a bit of my true identity shine through. those are the times which really keep me going through the days because thats when im happiest, when i find my identity within what ed perceives my identity should be.

rcj92. i love dancing as well but only as a goofy break the stress type. i spent half an hour today just twirling and leaping and it felt so great, that was me shining through. you'll get to dance again i promise.

Original Post by merylwhite1:

Come on, fidget. You must know that it's not positive to encourage everyone to share all their reasons for not wanting to gain weight.

 This to me is not a post about not wanting to gain but about gaining and the fears that we have. I am gaining but the fear causes so much anxiety so working through the fears rather then hiding through the ed is key. I agree one needs to have goals of what they want to gain in life but for many of us that is unknown. Sometimes when I don't know what will work I look at what is not working and try to change that. I made a post about accepting. Right now I can't be happy with my body and my intake but I can accept that I have to do it to even have a chance at a better life.

I think some of the hardest parts of recovery is when one is at a healthy weight and refed. They are feeling and facing life and that is scary when one has walked around numb to the world. The thing is it is the only way to move forward or you just keep spining your wheels if that makes sense.

I know what you mean. I feel that if I gain weight people will think I've let myself go. Moreover, I feel like there won't be anything worth noticing about me. I know that the sentiment is old, it is a figment of the me that was before I got pregnant with my first baby, when I was still very much lost and trying to purge from my body not only food but everything that is good. Then, I was heavy, and I felt disgusting and acted out to get attention or "gain worth" in other ways, but here, in skinniness, I am safe, safe from all of that, and I have THIS reason that I can be "noticed", and won't have to act to find other ways. If I get heavy, maybe that old me will come back. I won't have this safety, this buffer between me now and me who I was. The PERSON is different but the physical element being different helps me see that.

My husband pointed this out to me once - that I won't ever be who I was. He is more insightful than I could ever know.

Fidget, I think you need to be healthy because you need to give motivational speeches. How you feel is normal, of course; its so hard to believe that you don't have to feel guilty for eating. It's so hard to believe that its okay to indulge and have all of these things that your body need and that eventually you'll stabilize. But you can believe it because you've seen it to be true.

I'm afraid of being that old, uncomfortable me. I'm afraid that everyone will make me feel worthless again because I'm heavy and that I'll think I need something else to make people like me. I'm worried I'll be so embarrassed about myself I'll have no one in whom to confide. It should have been my parents, but I was too afraid. Same with my brother, afraid of his ridicule. But now I have my husband. I should know this better. I should do it for him.

I'm doing better, but every day is a challenge.

I hope you can make it through. You're such an inspiration.

I think I'm afraid... To live.

me to nina hugs h x

helen. If we get through this. No. WHEN we get through this. I'll have to visit the UK and play tennis with you or something :) Tennis, at healthy weights, in the sun...

what scares you about life nina....? that sounds like a basic question - one which im certain there isnt a basic answer to

I think, fidgy, it's that I'll fail. I'm a "neurotic" perfectionist. And my efforts in any endeavour never felt good enough - never measured up to my "expectations", (whatever they were). I think this is where medication is essential for me. Perhaps the expectation was just that I'd feel "okay". The irony is, I've failed so terribly that in many respects it feels like it can't get much worse (though things can ALWAYS get worse). I was always pathologically fearful of disappointing others - and yet this fear and its manifestations have led me to disappoint so many it's almost unbearable. And so I carry guilt everywhere that I have a great deal of difficulty letting go of. I'm not really sure what to do from here, quite honestly. I am now bigger than before, and I certainly don't want to revert to restriction, but I don't want to be this either. I would have no idea how to embark on a normal or healthy "diet", (or a normal and healthy anything for that matter)... And so now... I feel stuck. Stuck and terrified.

You know I am not a perfectionist. My old therapist used to say you are one of the few anorexic suffers who is not. Many of my friends from ip were and are. I can imagine how hard that is to try to live up to something. My mom is a perfectionist and suffers from anorexia. I have asked people who deal with this lets say you don't suceed at something or you do let someone down then what? There is no "perfect" as I think any of you know and part of life is making mistakes and not being the best at something.

Nina my heart is breaking for you because you are such a kind person and I can see how far you have come.  I know the stuck feeling in life as I feel that way too. Remember how I was talking about small goals? I wonder if part of why you don't want to try new things is cause you fear not being the "best" at it. You know I am very unartisitic but I still do it cause I see it as healthy outlet. If you try something like a class and you don't do super on it that is ok. You will have some things that you are better then others but at least you did it.

You know it seems all of us though really care what others think to the point where it destroys us. So really is it worth it to live for someone else and make ourselves miserable. I remember my grandfather pushing dentistry for me which is so not me and I had to really stand up and say no. As for people thinking something about our appearance. My old T used to say it is because we are so focused on looks but in reality people are not going home at night thinking about our weight or looks. It is like if you get a bad hair cut because you are focused on it you think everyone is but in reality they are not.

nina i would love that it would be such a pleasure to just be in your presence and a bonus to play tennis, i have to warn you though im no steffi graff :)

oh nina i just want to put my arms around you tell you its going to be ok and give you a big hug . you give yourself such a hard time . i know you feel  stuck and trapped but you need to dig deep inside yourself and see the true person you are . you give out so much its your turn now to take back we are all saying to you . its ok being just you you know. i wish there was something i could do to make you feel better all i can say is everybody is here for you always h x

fidget - i just had a comment on my blog that gave me a sound ass-kicking - it wasn't you by any chance? xx

I'm afraid of so many things. 

I'm afraid of not being thin and confident with my body not feeling attractive

I'm afraid that it will get out of control and I will look fat

I'm afraid that people will stop saying and thinking that im skinny, that I wont get the attention, that people will see I'm all better and I'm fine now

I'm afraid that I will relapse once I see how I look, and go through it all again, and put my parents and friends through everything all over

I'm afraid boys won't like me or flirt with me

I'm afraid I won't like myself as much (i know thats not true)

I'm afraid I'll constantly put myself down

I'm afraid I wont be able to concentrate on anything else in life, that it will consume me

I feel like im missing a lot

i'm afraid i'll disappear, which somehow, paradoxically, has been my goal all along.

"I'm afraid boys won't like me or flirt with me"

"I'm afraid I'll constantly put myself down"

"I'm afraid of not being thin and confident with my body not feeling attractive"

sarahbear... this isnt what i was going for with this post. you ultimately arent afraid of boys not liking you etc, etc. the point of this post was to dig really deep and try hard to see beyond the superficial drive of an eating disorder  - to see what really holds you back. i think you'll find if you genuinely think hard about it there are deeper reasons.....

these above though - these are "pro-thin" which is not what i was going for,

mashed!! i didnt post on your blog... but sounds like you gotta a good (i hope!) bum kicking.... did it help. i have been wallowing in sadness this past week. life is eating me...pardon the pun. and so i am having difficulty being my ass kicking self. i am trying to kick my own butt into gear but am struggling....keep up the good work.

i understand that cruumb. push a little harder - what is it about disappearing that you are afraid of. i do understand tho. i felt like the only thing that was keeping me alive was the very thing that was killing me.

i think that as a baby i looked to my mother to see my reflection (as all babies do) and because my mother was a shell i never was able to feel "real" so i created something tangible that would help confirm my existence 

now that i dont have it anymore i've got more than just an identity crisis but the actual gut-level feeling that i dont exist