what - about weight gain - are you afraid of?

i think this is where most ed sufferers frequent the most so i thought id ask it here. i had a weird day yest and today. my family were away for almost a month and so they came back yest. i hate the word - but i binged. or rather i ate too much all day. i felt such relief that they were back and it was safe to eat and so i did. plenty. i considered restricting today. considered it long and hard. i didnt. i ate normally. i had maybe 1300-1500 in excess yesterday.

my fears remain even though im out of the acute stages of an ed, i still have massive fears about weight gain.

my fear is that ppl will see it on me. that tomorrow at work it will be noticable i have lost some sort of control and resulted in puttin on weight. that people will judge me. that they will be disgusted by me. i dont weigh myself anymore. the numbers used to destroy me.

some people are terrified of seeing the number on the scale. others are afraid of other things....

what are you afraid of?

do you have any psychological or therapeutic help. because it is at this point i would say that you need it to help you push through these issues

you're likely very right but i'm feeling less than proactive right now :/

"when i was underweight i was numb, and my self-hatred vastly reduced. now i have begun to revert to older, destructive coping mechanisms since the anorexia has been taken away from me. i am afraid that once i gain even more, i'm going to have the panic attacks, anxiety, suicidality that was the reason for my relapse. i don't want to go back to that place again, because it was scary. losing weight is the only way that i know that really works in making me feel calm. and safe, i guess. not-worthless."

while im sorry that you feel like this. i really wish you'd edit this out. coz this site and this forum and personally as the op of this post, maintaining unhealthy habits as a coping mechanism is not the idea. if you feel anorexia has been "taken away" from you, the you clearly arent ready to recover. and so it comes across to me that you have a pro-eating disorder attitude. so i think get some outside support, but please dont try to trigger others.

eating disorders are a sad heartbreaking way to live. the are borne out of many causes. usually deep running issues. but this thread was not designed to list out the benefits of an eating disorder. it is about acknowledging what we're really afraid of and facing it.

Cruumb I know you have family struggles and it sound like you feel very alone? I do hope you can repair your biological family but if that is not possible you can build your own through friends and sig others. I'm sorry you feel umotivated but I encourage you to find the part of you that has hope in better ahead.

Happycinnamon things can be different this time at a healthy weight. I know the past experiences can make this scary but it does not have to be all or nothing. You can be a normal weight and feel good about yourself. I think for everyone including myself building a life outside of appearance is very good to seeing one as more. A full life that is not just based on things you do super well. People may "think" something of us but that does not mean they are right. Also usually others who are judgmental and rude have issues of their own and they take it out on us.

Mashed I saw you are not going to do your ed recovery blog. I also think you stated you are going to university. I'm not sure if that is away from home but I hope that you can make the transition in a healthy way. Actually not I hope I know you can.

Fidget how are you as this is your post?

abbie your so supportive thanks h x

Thanks and you are always too kind. I hope things are better with you too. Did you have your meeting about the hospital?

helen - I was wondering that, too, did you have the meeting? How are you?

Most of these have already been said but this is what it's like in my mind:

- Once I gain weight (or even START gaining, so far I haven't but I have been trying) then people will think I'm OK and everything's better, and forget about me.

- I'll just be another person with nothing special about them and nobody will notice me or care about who I am.

- At the same time as I HATE the fact my clothes are so baggy, I like it too because people comment on it and it reminds me that I am smaller than I used to be.

- That one day when I've gained like 20lbs I will wake up and suddenly think "what have I done?!" and I will be stuck 20lbs heavier. Sort of like ruining all the "hard work" I did to lose the weight in the first place if you know what I mean.

- That my thighs will touch. I don't know why this scares me but it does. I just don't like the way it looks, and before ED my thighs always touched so I know it's going to happen.

Another fear was obsession transference. I have severe OCD, and obsessive ruminations have ruled my life since I began to think. Day 1. I had severe body dysmorphic disorder before the ED - it transfers itself from one body part to another. Now that I'm "weight restored" it has gone to my cheek bones. For years I thought all of these "concerns" of mine were completely justified. It's scary to finally realise you're just completely irrational, delusional, and well... Pretty much insane. Because knowing that it's irrational doesn't serve to reduce my anxiety at all. It just looks for some other outlet.

Most of my ED weight loss was attributable to over-exercising. I haven't exercised in five months. I'm scared to return to exercise because I'm afraid it will take control of my life again - the compulsiveness. I would literally flog my body with it. Self abuse? Probably. I just know I felt completely out of control. Still do, every minute of every day. I really don't know what to do.

But back to the point - obsession transference. An unusual thing about this one is that it is commonly seen amongst previously obese people who have undergone gastric band surgery. Many revert to alcoholism, gambling or compulsive shopping. Just goes to show you that if the "emotional" underlying cause isn't treated, the problem doesn't go away. It just "re-manifests" itself. I think a lot of people fear weight gain because they know that after that happens the emotional issues that led them there in the first place will still be there - and when weight gain is achieved, it's then time to deal with them. I'm there now. I don't even know where to begin.

Oh yeah, and... Growing up. Right now I'm struggling with this "womanly" body I newly inhabit. I actually find curves on my own body very confronting. I don't feel as if this body corresponds with my mental level.

fidget-

i'm so sorry. i honestly wasn't trying to trigger others and definitely am not pro-eating disorder. please believe me when i say i know in reality and rational thought there are no 'benefits' to an eating disorder. i'm really sorry and regret posting how i feel. it was never my intention to trigger people. i deleted my post and perhaps you could delete the part of my post that you quoted for the sake of others? i sincerely apologise, i'm such an idiot.

you're not an idiot happy. like many of us you are struggling with the absurd mindset of an eating disorder. you're not an idiot though.

no need to apolgise. keep working hard. this'll come good for you if you work at it... :)

Hi guys, havn't posted on here in a while, but this is a brilliant thread fidget and I dont think it has to be negative at all.  Maybe it can make us realise truly what our fears are!

I'm also scared of not being able to control my eating and forever gaining.  I was always underweight even before anorexia so I always am slightly nervous about how I will end up.  Like many of you I too am a complete perfectionist!!  Even with ED sometimes I feel the need to do it right but there is no right or wrong way about it.  For me everything in life has to be 'perfect' but what actually is it?

I'm also scared about going to Uni and forgetting to keep checks on myself and being able to afford food etc.  I too fear that people will forget there is anything wrong once I am weight restored and they will expect soo much of me, like if I break down in a restaurant or something they will just think I am completely nuts :(

I understand so many of these replies it's crazy. I have always been at a normal weight for the most part, until this year I gained 5 pounds due to emotional stress, and overeating along with lack of activity. After I lost the excess 5 pounds, its like I couldnt stop. It just kept falling off because I kept depriving my body of what it needed to maintain a healthy weight. And now, its become so habitual, its like an addiction. I try to gain back some healthy pounds, but part of me just cant. I guess im addicted to the attention? I like the feeling of control? Maybe it seems like for so long that no one cared that this was my desperate call for help. The problem is, im still not getting help. My need to be in control is just out.of.control..can anyone help?

This is gonna sound weird, but part of me really doesn't want to age. And I know that when I gain weight, my 'development' will resume. In fact, if I could have any wish, it would be to remain a child. I guess I really just don't want to move on with my life.. =/

Also, since I've started recovery, I've dicovered how much I truly do enjoy food. Perhaps too much... Anyway, I think that if I am undeweight/trying to gain weight, that it's an 'excuse' for me to enjoy food and eat whatever I want. I'm afraid that when I reach my goal weight, I'll find it hard to stop eating so much and begin a maintenance regimen. (It's truly sick and messed up, I know )

goo byb, I completely understand the whole stopping eating thing!  But I think once we are at a healthy weight etc, out body's will follow and they will tell us when we are full and that wwe don't want/need food like that all the time. But I totally keep trying to avoid some certain foods in case I get 'addicted' and can't stop. :S

I also agree goobyb - I think that there is part of us that likes being told to eat what we want and when we want as part of recovery and the fact that when we stablise I guess our mind thinks that this won't be possible - however I agree with teck in that by that stage we will be back in control of ourselves and in that sense we will be comfortable and hopefully in control of being able to make the choices and eat flexibly and intelligently to both enjoy food and get the nutrients we need!