After weight loss, still known as the 'fat chick'

Hello there, just a quick introduction. My name is Adelaine [Ah duh lane], and I started losing weight in December after some cruel appearence jokes from my schoolmates.

I am currently 14, 5'3.5", and 123.4 pounds and trying to maintain that weight. When I started losing weight, I was 5'3" and 135 pounds [although mainly fat, little muscle]. Kids at school would occasionally poke fun at my relatively healthy weight, joking about how I could break a chair by sitting on it, how I was a 'fat' vegetarian/part-time vegan, and about how much I ate [at my school, nearly everyone has a BMI of 19. If you're over that weight, you're fat]. When I began going to the gym, a group of guys my age would stand outside the window mimicking my excercising [they would pretend to run in place, point, and laugh].  Needless to say, I stopped using the gym for excercise.

Now that I've dropped to a very healthy weight, gained muscle, and toned up, there are still cruel appearance jokes aimed at me. I still am teased about how much I eat, and about my 'fat face'. I never say anything back, and I try to ignore it, but let me tell you - I'm starting to wonder if I can ever shed the way kids think of me.

Anyone else in this situation? Any tips?

those kids are being asses.  it has nothing whatsoever to do with your size and weight and everything to do with their inadequacies.  and there's nothing you can do about their behaviour; you can only control your own.  you could be rail-thin, and they'd just find some other reason to be asses.

i know this doesn't sound very helpful, but once you decide that the only thing in your circle of contol is your own behaviour, it can really help.  let go of all that other crap, and live the way that's best for you.  believe me, when they see that they're not affecting you, they'll stop.  and that doesn't mean "ignoring" - ignoring is hard work.  if you're ignoring, you're giving them energy.  you have to decide that their opinions and their behaviours just don't matter.

you have friends, right?  focus on the people treat you well; the others mean nothing.

Bullying is a very nasty and dangerous thing.  If you're being bullied - and being constantly the butt of cruel jokes about your appearance is classed as bullying - then you should talk to your parents, go together to see the the headteacher at your school and make an official complaint that your treatment is totally unacceptable.  One of the key objectives of any school management team is to eliminate bullying and they can only do that if they know it's going on.  Bullying is severely frowned upon by school inspectors.

So don't think you have to suffer in silence.  And don't think for one second that any of their cruel accusations are correct.  Ignoring them clearly isn't working.  Make it official, make a complaint and get the bullies dealt with..... they're the ones in the wrong. 

This actually has nothing to do with your weight. The thing is, people who bully other people are generally retards (excuse the non-PC term, it's the most accurate one I could think of). As in, really, shockingly, uncompromisingly stupid. What has probably happened is that back when you were 135 (and still at a healthy weight, I might add) they come up with the incredibly original idea of calling you fat. Now that you are thin, they are faced with the challenge of finding something new to say, which to a bully is the equivalent of trying to get a dog to walk on its hind legs. Ultimately it seems they've decided it is less mental strain to completely ignore reality than it is to come up with an original insult.

Therefore the bottom line is that these aren't the sort of people whose approval you should be seeking. The next time someone makes fun of your appearance, glance over at them and find all their flaws and, if you feel like it, remind them of them (just to give them a little perspective, obviously). Chances are they're projecting their own insecurities.

Anyway, I've learned from experience that people like that generally don't cope very well when they finally get to the real world. I used to be pretty badly bullied at school and of the two guys who were the cruellest, one of them is 22 years old, unemployed and still lives with his parents, and the other one is in prison. Can we say ... karma?

as tempting as it is to say that bullies are retards, i don't think they are.  i think they're often sophisticated and strategic.  calling you "fat" works; it gets to you.  they know it.  when it stops working, they'll stop doing it.

adelainemarie:  What a beautiful name by the way.

I am a school counselor at both middle school and high school (6 grade - 12 grade) and the parent of an 18 year old daughter.  I completely agree with GI Jane in terms of talking with your parents if you have not already done so.  Your parents can be great ally's and advocates for you in dealing with this situation.   Yoiur parents can offer support, understanding, love, caring and the benefit of their years of knowledge and experience.  However, your parents can't rise to the occassion to help you unless they know about what is going on at school.  Once they know, hopefully they will sit down and help you to figure out exactly how you would like to deal with the situation and offer their support in your decision -- without charging into the school with the guns ablazing (so to speak).  Some parents, well, they don't handle things with their child's best interest in mind, even though they truly believe that they are helping ... sometimes if not thought through and discussed a parent's over-reaction can sometimes be very unhelpful.  In that case, if you think that is what may happen if you involve your parents, please find another trusted adult to help you to talk to them. 

Your school should have a clearly outlined bullying policy (it's the law if you are in the US).  It is good to become familiar with what the policy says.  If you do not have a copy of your student handbook or the district wide policy, ask for one in your school office or in your district office.  They are obliged to provide that information to both students and parents.  The policy should outline what constitutes bullying and harrassment, as well as how to file a complaint, what happens when the complaint is filed AND what happens if the bullying and harrassment cointinues.  It is important to familiarize yourself with the policy so  that you (and the adults helping you) can hold the school accountable.  Some schools do not really understand what the bullying policy is and how it should be used, so it is important that you understand it.  Accountability is ALWAYS best.

It would be my guess that you are not the only one being bullied at the hands of these inividuals.  Bullies tend to draw their power off of making other people fear them, or feel bad.  There are probably others in your school who are suffering with the same dilemma as you ... from the same bullies.  Like you, they may be too afraid to come forward or feel as though they are the only target of those bullies.

hannahboots and pg are correct when they said that the bullying actually has nothing to do with your weight.  Often, most people who bully do so because of other things going on in their own life.  Often those that begin bullying do have their own insecurities (as has already been discussed) but sometimes the behavior of bullying is something that they learned from somewhere else.  Sometimes those who bully, were past victims of bullying themselves ... and the bullying behavior is a way to sort of cope with their past powerlessness.  Sometimes, those who  bully are being bullied at home ... maybe by an older sibling or by an abusive parent -- you will likely draw the conclusion as to why that behavior may be manifesting at school in to bullying behavior.  The thing is, bullies, are not assess or retards or stupid or smart ... bullies are very often just kids who have been wounded themselves.  It doesn't excuse their behavior ... nor does it give them license to behave that way at all ... but usually there is a reason that it is happening and the reasoning has nothing to do with you at all.  Right now, you are just an easy target because they know that they can get to you ... that their behavior is making an impression ...either by making you feel bad or making you jump into action (i.e. trying to change your appearance). 

Please understand that no matter what you do to try and make them stop ... it will all be in vain.  The bullies themselves need help that can't be given until someone holds them accountable for their behavior.  pg was absolutely correct in stating that the only thing you can control is yourself.  You can control what you choose to do about the bullies, how you respond to the bullies, how you feel when they make fun of you, etc.  But, not matter what you try to do to change their behavior ... it will fail.  Again, they need even more help than most people realize ... and that will only come from them being held accountable for their actions in persons of authority.  It is NOT your responsibility to change them or help them or fix them or even stop them.  It is your responsibility to take care of yourself -- so please ... do that.

Thank goodness you recognize that you are healthy and that their taunting and teasing hasn't driven you to try to control their behavior by trying to control your weight to an unhealthy means.  Keep your head high, knowing that you ARE BEAUTIFUL and you are HEALTHY and that their behavior is really their problem.

Take care, adelainemarie and let me know how things are going.

~Gwen

I know how difficult it is in high school because I used to be on the receiving end of some bullying myself.  The problem that I see with simply ignoring other people's hurtful comments is that you're merely pretending that it doesn't bother you.

You sound very intelligent and mature, much more so than I ever was when I was your age, so my small piece of advice is this: refocus that negative energy into something productive and positive for your life.  Set goals for how you plan on keeping the weight off for the rest of your life.  Where you would like to go to for University after high school?  What program would you like to take there?  Where would you like to work?  Would you like to run a marathon?  Where would you like to travel to?  How about a part-time summer job?  Set those goals, speak to a counselor about setting your goals into motion and start working towards them slowly. 

When you have no clearly defined direction or purpose in life you allow other people's comments and attitudes to tear you down because you're unsure about who you are deep down, but if you allow yourself to take control, have plans, have goals, have direction, have purpose you can feel powerful again.

can I tell you the best thing to do in this  situation is NOT get upset... just laugh it off

people who make fun of others are because they are insecure themselves so they want to make others upset.. if you don't get upset they'll stop trying.

I went through bullying in school and I wish to this day I could have handled it differently

just do your own thing and do not worry about what others think

life is short... you're going to wake up one day and wish you could go back and relive and life and have more fun

so take the cliche advice and have FUN in the moment

because before you know it the moment will be gone

One piece of advice I will carry to my grave that I will pass to you. A dear wise friend once said, "You don't have to answer this but ask yourself. Are you happy? Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?"

I apply this to so many things in life. Just remember, you can't change others but you can change how you feel and how you live.  People who point and laugh tend to live in a box that society has fed them. Don't live in that box. You need to only change what you don't like about your ownself and not what others tell you what they think is wrong with you or what is right. If you listen to them you never will be happy. I know, I tried. Live free and live happy. Always make your own choices.  

The thing about teens is that they will keep making smart comments, and when they find one that bothers you, they'll stick with it.  At 135 you didn't rate "fat jokes" but they must have seen that it hit a nerve, so that's what you got.  When you are more comfortable in your own skin, and those remarks stop getting the reaction the other teens are looking for, then they will stop.  Then they will probably find something else to pick on you about.

To everyone

I'd like to thank you all for the advice and kind words - I emailed my school conselor to schedule an appointment when we get back to school.

Just being able to let that rant out helped a lot. I needed something more than the "grin and bear it" I got from my friends and family. Already I'm feeling a lot happier that not everyone thinks in the same frame.

Stay amazing guys :o)

Adelaninemarie

Bullies are nasty and usually insecure, they find someone who they consider to be lower than them and absue them to make themselves feel better and more powerful.

Im sure it will blow over, when they unfortunately find someone else to pick on.

I was bullied for years at school, i was 5'7 when i was 12 years old so always felt huge compared to everyone else, to top it off i had acne and wasnt excately the most fasionable girl in school. I wished i could be like the 'cool pretty girls' who had boyfriends and were admired by everyone but liked by no one, however now 10 years later they wish they could be like me. Whist they were focusing on being nasty and left school to a crappy future, i grew up and the ugly duckling turned into a swan (not perfect but im happy enough) ive now got the most stunning boyfriend, great friends and as you can see from my photo a lovely tan from my days on playing around on a yacth or the beach where i live in Dubai. Im not boosting im just trying to say that life maybe **** now and you may not feel like the most perfect girl in school, but you will become whoever you want to be, so smilie and know you have a great future ahead whilst the bullies will have a miserable life of trying to make others miserable. Dont let other people stop you from going to the gym or eating what you want, its your body and your life, enjoy it

First of all, this is my first post on here but I felt compelled to offer my support to someone who is trying really hard and getting results in spite of adolescent bullying.

I guess the thing to really focus on is this. You are getting results, your hard work and commitment are being rewarded and you are acheiving your goals.

Once you focus on this, consider this. What do the bully's achieve? In short nothing. You have shown yourself that with commitment and dedication you can achieve what you want, in terms of life lessons, you seem to be lucky that you are figuring this out early (some of us took a little or a lot longer.)

As for dealing with these bullies, find an adult that you feel comfortable talking to and spill, you do not have to tolerate this nor should you. If you don't think you have anyone to talk to, look around and reconsider, by and large most of us were picked on to one degree or another when we were growing up and there are not many adults who will not want to help, you are not alone.

As for quitting the gym, please reconsider, group excercise with others who have the same goal can be a very supportive (or competitive) environment, speak to the gym owners if you are having problems with people playing around outside windows, you are the customer and the customer is King (or Queen).

Stick with it, try not to worry about what others think or do and remember, school is for now, not forever.

Good luck and congratulations on what you have achieved so far - keep it up!

Just wanted to say I'm glad to see you're going to set an appointment when you're back to school.  It's a very good step from what I feel sounds like a very mature young lady!  I've been in your shoes with the bullies and if it's any solace what they dish out does come back times 10 as time goes by.

A girl that gave a lot of us "uncool" kids hell in highschool that just had it all going on back then was now really in some of the shoes we were once.  She didn't gain the freshman 15....but the freshman 50 in college and at our 10yr was well over 300# bless her heart.  Oddly enough, no one said anything to make her feel out of place or bad about it and she broke down when she was treated kindly.  She expected worse.

Some of them might be jealous that you took a step to getting more in shape, others might just be going with the crowd (one of my now best friends was that girl in school and teased me then) and others really just are so insecure they have to break someone else down to feel good.  Trust me, one of these days they'll all get a wake up call.

Hopefully now with the bullying policies in effect that day is coming a lot sooner for them.  Also, if you know others that are getting the same treatment maybe you can talk to them about saying something also.  If it's a wider problem the school may react a little differently and it'll be curbed faster.  Thinking of you!

Adelaine, keep holding your head up knowing that you are the better person here..look at how strong and motivated you are, compared to these weak people putting their time and energy into being bullies while you are out there achieving something precious.

It may help you to cope with these people, and any future bullies you may encounter in life if you turn any fear or anger you have towards them into feeling sorry for them. Obviously they have stuff going on in their lives that has turned them into the sort of person they are. I now talk to a girl who was a nasty piece of work when we are at school (23 years ago, yikes!) and I recently found out that she was abused terribly by her mother.

I was teased immensley during my school years. I was teased as the fat kid even though i was only a little overweight back in school. (when i started high school at age 12 I was 165 cm and 63 kilo .. about 5'5, 130 pound). I think I stood out more for having a "mature" figure,  because there were kids who were fatter than me that did not get bullied..infact, one of the nastiest bullies was also the fattest girl in the school. Who knows what hidden hell she was living at home?

Just stay focused on living your life well, and achieving your goals. I regret that I didn't do so myself..I bought into the crap that I was useless, ugly, fat, when in hindsight I can see that I was infact none of these things. I didn't become the person I could have become..please don't let this small period of your life put you off your path.

haa, you do not need that!!!

they are just being jerks who do not get the way soem peopel feel from being teased, do not listen to them, you are really great. lets see them do anything that you do. they would not last a day. but you just need to keep your mind away from them, whatever you hear let it go through one ear and come out the other. you can do way better than make your self as low as them and listen to what they are saying to you.

they a bunch of jackasses.  i got picked on CONSTANTLY from preschool to 10th grade.  i don't know if it was about my weight, my shyness, or my general uncoolness.  maybe all of the above.  i got everything from "anna ****** full of cabbage" in preschool (my last name sort of rhymes with cabbage) to a guy asking his friend if he got me pregnant in 9th grade.

ignore them.  some of them will go away if they see they're not pushing your buttons.  not all though.  but they'll get what's coming to them.  what goes around comes around.  and i have proof!  a few years ago i saw one of the kids who picked on me in grade school.  he used to be a skinny jock.  not anymore.  he's SO huge.  literally like 3 of me and i'm overweight.  and he has a drinking problem, from what i've heard.  then there's the jerk who made the pregnant comment.  he was in my grade all 4 years of high school.  he didn't get to graduate with my grade because he failed one class.  to make it sadder, the class he failed was the one where you learn how to take care of a kid and babysit the electronic doll for a weekend.  yeah.

as for me, i'm doing quite well for myself.  i'm in business school and i have a wonderful, very cute boyfriend who loves me very much and i couldn't be happier.

hopefully in a year or two they'll grow up and stop bothering you.  until then, just smile, ignore them, and remind yourself that they'll get what's coming to them.  they're not worth getting upset over.  if you need to talk, just send me a private message.

There is nothing fat about your weight at all!

Obviously, no matter what you do, those people are just going to be jerks.

I think you've realized that, and you know..considering what asses they are, do you even care what they think? they sound like idiots to me.

They're not even good enough to be friends with, so I hope you won't lift a single finger trying to change their minds about you in the future.

You're healthy, and young, and I bet you're pretty, too.

Screw em!

I went through the same thing. In middle school(I wasn't even that big to be honest, but I wasnt stick thin like some of the "popular" girls) a guy used to call me "megabutt" Now I think my butt is awesome and he only wishes he could touch this. It's amazing that you are 14 and already are trying to be healthy. Those people only wish they could be as wise as you. You should be proud of yourself. You are doing what's best for you and your body. Keep going to the gym, the best motivation is thinking about how much stronger you are than them and could probably give them the biggest beat down(sorry for the violent talk, but really, the stronger you the feel physically, the stronger you feel emotionally and mentally)

And I agree with everyone else, if they are making fun of you, it's because there is something wrong in their lives. That guy who used to call me "megabutt" became an alcoholic, obviously he has some issues he is trying to cover up.

You keep going to the gym and eating healthy, don't ever think you need to lose anymore weight 123 at 5'3 is perfect. Be strong girl!! Some day(sooner I hope) you'll look back at this and laugh.