Well, it's finally happening for me.

I found out the hard way why an anoretic should not try to refeed herself. I got really sick physically. Then I had a couple of mental breakdowns because I'm cracking under all of the pressure I'm putting myself under.

I had a really long talk with my mom. I told her about the sadness I feel, about how my mentality is just getting worse and worse when it comes to food and eating despite how hard I have been trying to turn myself around, and I told her a lot of the things that I've been keeping a secret for so many years, like the way I feel when I try to eat, about the panic, the habits, etc. And it sucks because I felt like I told her so much...but not even close to all of it. That made me realize how so incredibly deep all of this inside of me.

But maybe all of this was what I needed, which probably sounds really horrible. Because I've been trying so hard to get better on my own and I've always thought that it was enough. I developed my eating disorders, I could undevelop them. No big deal. But, no, this is beyond me.

So I talked to my mom and she was really angry that I kept all of this to myself for so long. She said that she knew I was trying to help myself and that she thought I was doing okay. She cried and said that I should have told her what was going on before I broke under the pressure. That I should have never let it get this bad.

To cut a long story short, I've finally got an appointment to see a depression counselor and my mom has found me an eating disorder specialist (outpatient, one-on-one, and Christian-based). Somewhere in the future, I'll be having to go for a full physical, which scares me. I've gone for so many years telling myself that I was just dieting and now I get to find out how severe the reprecussions of this "diet" really are.

But I'm also relieved because I fully believe that anorexia thrives on secrets. And when I get these secrets out, anorexia will be the one starving. Not me. She'll die.

And I'll still be alive.

Congratulations on having the courage to find help.  Good luck with your recovery.

It's a hard road to travel, but you can do it! Good luck!

You can mesage me if you ever need someone to talk to.

Congratulations for asking for help!  You're so right about the secrets thing—letting them out is the first great step.  I have my first therapy/counseling appointment this week, too—I finally asked for help last week.  We can do this together.  :)  You're not alone, stay strong!