Well, this just sucks

My parents, now both in their 80's have asked me to move closer to them.  I've noticed some sort of dementia in my Mom.   I don't know how to do this.  It's not like I have a ton of friends that I will leave.  Crappola; when it gets right down to it, I have none where I live.  I am so afraid to move people!  This is tearing me up inside.  I don't like my current roommate.  He is a slob, probably the King of Slobovia!  I don't have a car, and the burden of the move will be on my 80 year old parents.  Now I have to find a place to live in another town........Okay, stop the whipping; I know that this is something that we can figure out.  This is just scary **** to me right now, considering their ages.  I don't want to become a burden to them financially.  Somehow, it's going to happen.  Once again, I will become a "ward" of my parents.  ****I just turned 50!!!  How pathetic is that???  We already know that we can not live together.  We tried that 3 years ago. There were lots of hurt feelings.  Dad still treats me like I'm 12. 

This is probably the most agonizing decision that I've ever had to make.  WTF people?  I love these people with all my heart.  Can anyone tell me why I am so reluctant to move? 

One redeeming fact is I will visit them in the beginning of September.  I have laid out some guidelines (this new place has to accept my cat), and it has to be close to what ever bus service that this town has.  I refuse to have to call the parents because I need to go shopping.

I think my tears are done now.......God, this is hard.  I know they need me.  I love them so very much.  Whining is over, cheese is served on the next page.

I know this is hard.  My parents are feeling the effects of their age as well.  As caretaker, you are in a difficult position.  You are responsible, but have no control.  They are your parents, and still regard you as their child, but they are the children.  They can't take care of themselves.  They often behave and think in a very childlike manner, but you can't make them behave.  Roles are all twisted around.  You are not yet sure what you are in for yet, but you suspect.  That is why you are reluctant.

And don't worry about being a burden.  You are going to be earning your keep and then some after a while.  They are going to deteriorate and need more help all the time.  Have you looked at what managed care costs?

You are in for some difficult times, but you feel like you have to do it.  Good luck.  Feel free to send me mail.  We can commiserate.

Hi

As I was reading your story something draw my attention and it was the thing of my parents treat me like I were 12. Well recently I told my shrink the same and he simply replied that we are treated as we behave. It may sound really really hard but I believe it is the truth.

On top of that I think that you really need to take control of the situation. I mean, I am an only child and I know that my parents are my only responsability now and in the future and if I want to have my life and also take good care of them I need them to know I am in charge. It is the same as with small children. It is just as simple as that. You need to make the decisions and not complain anymore about all the small details.

You need to keep your cat, ok, perfect use the internet and find a right place for you both. You need to move, then do it, without too much of a fuzz, I mean first sit and see if you really really HAVE to move. But if that is the conclusion then just do it. Butttt try to find a lot of nice things in doing it, for example a nice place, a nice decoration for this place (it doesnt have to be expensive), a nice view, dont know small details.

And finally, I dont care if you need to work for mc donalds or burger king but dont even think of moving back with your parents! you will end up hating them.

Sorry if I was to direct but I am taking based on my personal experience and my own personal challenges!

good luck!!

They're 80. If the worst of the problem is that your dad treats you like you're 12, then cope with it. Assert yourself and stay above the negativity- thereby proving him wrong.

You obviously love them - if there's nothing keeping you were you're at, move back in and be the comfort of their few remaining years. You won't be a burden, you will ease theirs.

I know it sounds tough, but if not you then who?

Looking after elderly parents is scary and frustrating.  It's hard to go from being the kid to the care-giver, especially as they have an equally hard time with it.  My mom is 84 and refuses to give up her independence though she can't drive and is getting really forgetful.  I don't want to have to change roles, but it's happening and I can't stop it.  I also don't want to force her to do something she doesn't want to do, but what happens when she isn't safe on her own anymore? 

If it's possible to move closer without disrupting your life too much, you'll probably feel better.  Do you have a driver's license?  You'll need one soon, though you can probably use their car.  When you're closer, the changes in your mom won't be so terrifying, and the day to day interaction will make it easier for you to decide what to do in the future.

Don't move in with them.  You're going to need your space or you'll go crazy. 

if you need to vent, you can pm me anytime.  Sometimes it's nice to have someone to talk to.

I became the caregiver for my 72 year old father in law when he became ill with what was determined to be senile dementia. He lived in another state when he became ill, so we moved him in with us where he stayed for 7 years until he became too much of a danger to our young children. Then we moved him to a nursing home where he lived another 7 years. My husband and I alternated days so he received a visitor every day (pretty necessary for an ornery old type who refuses basic care such as cleanliness and the nursing staff with hands tied legally as to what they can force on people).

That said, he moved in with us - not the other way around. When my husband was transferred (once while Papa was living in our home and twice once he was in a nursing home), he was moved with us.

I am not sure where you are at your life and what your plans are, but old people with health issues do not necessarily spend a last "few" remaining years. If you move back, it could be 14, or it could be 20 or more remaining years - what will that mean in relation to your life? You need to do what is right for you and make sure that they are lovingly cared for. There are a lot more choices out there than you moving in to their house and living by their rules while you have no life of your own.

If they move in with you the boundaries are set and you are not just the caretaker child who can be ordered about. If they move into assisted living near you, again, they will receive the attention and love you provide and you can continue to pursue your life as you wish it to be. If you give up your life/work (assumes you are living the life you want) for them, you will have no life except them. This is not good for them or you.

As you said, you tried living in their home before and it did not work. Senile dementia will not make it easier. PM me if you would like.

I wish that my parents were still around to take care of......They took care of me for about 37 years, were constantly by my side and provided me with an unconditional love that I will never, ever get from anyone else here on earth.

I'd have given anything to have had the opportunity to have been able to take care of them.........

Jannid has some good points.

First, cleanse yourself of any worries about being a financial burden to them - as clharr says, you will earn all of it and then some. You are in for a lot of physical and emotional work, possibly for a long time. It's good that you are not living in the same home, because that will help limit the time you will be caregiving, because being at their beck and call 24/7 for the rest of their lives will burn you out! This way you can go over, help with cooking and cleaning and bathing, run errands, etc, but have your own sanctuary to relax in afterwards...

Don't worry about having to call your parents to go shopping -  they will probably have you help them do their shopping, and you can just do yours at the same time. (Are they both still safe to drive?)

Your dad might be treating you like you are 12 because it's his defense against feeling like a little kid around you, due to his own vulnerabilities. I've heard the argument that aging and becoming dependent on your children is emotionally harder on men because they were raised to be dominant.

Good luck and bless you for being there for your parents. Not everyone would be willing and able to do what you are doing. Consider your "rootlessness" and dissatisfaction with your current situation to be basically a gift at the moment, allowing you to do the right thing. Same goes for your financial situation. As my mom ages, I know it can't be me who does most of the physical looking-after of her - I am in a profession that requires a lot of work, and I live in another city and am not so easily movable. My unemployed brother, however, is right around the corner from her - the hard part will be making him step up and do the right thing (I may have to pay him above and beyond the financial support she gives him). Another possibility is moving her (and possibly him, too) to my city. It's where she grew up, so not too crazy an idea.

I also remember my mother, while taking care of her own mother, telling me about the differences between taking care of children and taking care of the elderly, and why the latter was in an entirely different league in terms of work:

-it lasts longer. In about 4 years, the physical labour is mostly over, as the child can walk, run, bathe and dress themselves with minimal assistance. Elder care can go on for decades.

-kids are smaller, easier to lift, easier to bathe, easier to feed, and generally alert. Elders, especially when demented, can be like fully grown infants/toddlers, except in a fog.

-kids need less and less care (especially physical care) as time goes on, whereas elders need more and more. Not to mention that you tend to have kids when you are reasonably energetic yourself, plus the work becomes less heavy with time - whereas elder care starts when the caregiver is older, and gets more heavy as the parent gets older, at the exact same time that the caregiver becomes older and frailer themselves. 

-you have a natural authority over your children, meaning that it's not nearly the same level of negotiation and eggshells. With elders it becomes a delicate balance of protecting dignity, feelings, etc. while keeping the person safe and healthy.

In the hospitals we see a lot of elders whose families can't or won't put in the effort to keep their parents safe. When we see someone who is willing to go as far as the OP, we bless them, because it's really not easy work and IMO is far more a labour of love than even childrearing!

Do you have siblings that can help?  If you really don't want to be the sole caregiver, you don't have to be. If that's a responsibility you don't want, don't take it upon yourself.  Visit a care facility in their town, choose a good one that you have thoroughly checked out and talk to them about your decision.  Some people are not able to be proper caregivers for a miriad of reasons and there is nothing wrong with that.  Be prepared to live with your decision, however. Make certain the decision you make does not leave you feeling guilty now or later.  Good luck.

I have to agree with the other posters that you need to take a long hard look and determine who should really move.  Are there senior retirement communities near where you live or where they live?  Often moving into such a community can give them sufficient assistance so that they can feel independent for much longer, plus it reduces some of the workload on family. My grandma moved into a senior community that will keep her as she gets worse  (Alzheimer's), it's also about 25 minutes from where I live and a little over an hour from my parents.

Moving will isolate you from the few contacts that you do have so you'll have to start over from scratch and your parents will most likely demand a lot of time.

Do you have any siblings or children who could help out?  Both my mom and I try to visit my grandma on different days of the week.  During the week there's typically a lot of activities at the place, but weekends tend to be slow so one of us visits on Saturday or Sunday and the other drops by midweek.  We're currently doing grocery shopping, finances, laundry, and cleaning for her in addition to doctor's appointments.  I expect it will get worse as she gets older and her dementia increases.

Honestly, it can be exhausting dealing with her and she's genuinely a nice person who isn't trying to be demanding or a burden and at this point doesn't require physical care.  If my mom had to do it alone I think she would have no quality of life.  I couldn't do it all on my own either.

Thank you all for the wonderful insights of your own experiences.....I don't think that I said anything about them being disabled themselves.  My Mom has only said a couple of things that makes me think that the beginnings of "dementia" might be approaching.  I'm sorry if in my plea for advice, it might have seemed worse.

Dad will be 'damned" before he will go to a "community" for the elderly.  He really doesn't need any help, except with Mom.  At this point he is fine; sharp as an 80 year old tack can be.  Both of them are mobile and require no assistance.

I would not be moving there to take "care" of them; just to be closer.  (Mess with Mom's kitchen and you'll likely get a frying pan in your head.)  Really, that is not a bad thing.........just her brand of love .

It is the move itself; making new friends and getting established in a different town that scares me.  Gawd, I'm a woosie sometimes.  As far as finding a job; I would be more than willing to be a burger flipper at McDonalds, but I am trying to go to school to become a Dietitian and finally become a professional at something other than being mediocre. 

To answer other questions. Yes, I do have a brother with his family and  he has an established business, owning a Fed Ex outlet and lives in Portland, OR.  My nephews are in little league, and one is approaching the age of being drafted into the minor leagues.  My SIL has worked for Toyota Motors in the credit department.  She is the one that will call you to ask "what is going on-(you dirt bag?)--fork over your first born, or else. 

My own children are established and secure where they are.  I don't think it would be fair to ask them to uproot their lives.  So, by process of elimination, I am the natural choice. 

Remember, it's not the idea of moving. (Roommate issue will be outta my life).  It's not that I have to provide "care"  for Mum & Pops; it is the issue of the move itself and the financial and physical burden this places on them, especially when I know that it is just going to be me and Dad that are loading crap.

I don't know if I should have posted anything to begin with. This is like a Term paper for school.  I just spew words sometimes without putting them into intelligent format. I don't want to be psychoanalyzed by anyone; don't offer pity.  Thanks for your supportive words.  It does help to vent stuff.