what's the point of marriage?
I'm finding myself not very interested in getting married one day. I'm going to be with them regardless. Maybe I don't like the idea of being legally bound to someone.
Marriage isn't for everyone, some people never do marry...and that's okay. I believe that it is a personal choice, not an obligation. The divorce rate is so high that it probably makes more sense NOT to marry. It's a silly, romantic notion that probably isn't based on logic.
The legal bindings have benefits, though, such as joint parenting.. being able to make emergency medical decisions if the spouse is too ill...joint insurance policies...inheritance in case of a tragedy..
But then I'd want to get married mainly for the taking of religious/spiritual vows and family celebration.
There are practical, emotional and spiritual benefits of being married.
To me, marriage = commitment, loyalty, unconditional love, and two people being made one in the eyes of God.
That being said, until I met my wonderful DH, I was content being single. When I met him, everything changed (for the better!)
=^..^= MOLLY
Original Post by ornellanicole2007:
have you ever been in love?
I don't know for sure.
dont worry about being married right now, its not important. Marriage will come if/when you are ready for it later on down the road.
Original Post by ornellanicole2007:
have you ever been in love?
I have been (and currently am) very much in love. What does being in love have to do with the OP's question?
People who are in love decide for and against marriage every day. People who are not in love decide for and against marriage every day. Getting married does not require being in love. In my opinion, the best long-term relationships (whether in a marriage or not) are not based solely on being in love but, instead, on mutual respect, admiration, and a willingness to work together to achieve goals.
I'm not necessarily for or against marriage, but I do not like it when people assume that long-term relationships without marriage indicate either that the people are not truly in love or that the people are not truly committed.
I think leagaly it makes things much easier in terms of medical benifits, tax benifits, death benifits and in the event of ones passing the house going to the other and the childrens guardianship.
401k plans things of that nature.
I'm sure some of these things can be dealt with in other ways, however some states don't recognize domestic partnerships.
In short, I think marriage helps the relationship last a lifetime. Obviously, though, it's no guarantee.
Lysistrata: I've heard this argument for marriage before and, frankly, I don't buy it. I think the divorce rates are a pretty good indication that people can get out of a marriage pretty easily if they so choose. Also, how does making divorce more difficult truly help? I've seen many people who really need to obtain a divorce (battered women, etc.) and have a difficult time doing so. I don't see a benefit to that.
Also, your response indicates that you believe that people who are in long-term relationships who are not married feel no commitment to stay in the relationship and work out the problems. I think that's a very simplistic view of the situation. It disregards the plethora of reasons people have for not getting married (and there are MANY).
I guess it depends on the state and or country you live in whether its advantageous or not to be legally married.
I have a co worker who although not married just went thru a long and expensive legal battle with his significant other - he basically has lost everything - his house his harley his trucks and his car. He does have custody of their son though. Even though he had purchased these things before he ever met her something about the state of AZ common law marriages and community property state he got shafted. I guess if they had been married maybe a prenutial agreement would have protected him?? Or at least he would have known it would be split down the middle.
I know marriage isn't for everyone and there are many personal reasons some couple chose to cohabitate vs tying the knot. I think feanor has good points. Being the legal spouse then you have more rights under the laws, especially in medical decisions. For example if you don't want to be kept on life support and your SO knows that but your parents don't maybe they will want to keep you on those machines forever? Or if you believe in donating organs its going to be your parents that make the decision. If kids are involved there is a whole other issue.
Before I met my hubby I never wanted children- but when I met him it was " man I want to have that man's kids"! I had been married before and am happy to say I have been a married woman for more years in my life than single!!
Original Post by ricen:
if you dont know, then the awnser is no.
I'm not sure if I believe that, I mean there have been guys that I always think about/want to be with, want to do things for, I even considered going to school in the states to be with one, same for my current bf in Finland. I know I cared a lot about them, but I just don't know how you know it's *love* and not just *feelings*.
Anyway I was never the girl who planned her future wedding, or really thought about it. I guess I'm just not the type of person who's goal is marriage and family (I'm even questioning if I want kids lately).
I guess legality-wise I'm thinking about if things go bad.
Original Post by vicereine:Anyway I was never the girl who planned her future wedding, or really thought about it. I guess I'm just not the type of person who's goal is marriage and family (I'm even questioning if I want kids lately).
I guess legality-wise I'm thinking about if things go bad.
I never had big wedding plans either. I think when you find the really true love of your life you'll know it and then maybe marrage won't seem like such a bad thing after all.
Original Post by lysistrata:
Face it, nobody's perfect, and it seems that a lot of people have the attitude that if the person does anything that bugs them, they are "settling" and "deserve better." It's not a very healthy mindset for cultivating a long-term commitment.
How do you know when something that 'bugs' you about someone, is not to be the deciding factor?
As a lawyer, I probably have a different perspective on divorce than most people. Divorce is never easy, never painless, never cheap ... and the only people who really benefit from it are divorce lawyers. Time and time again I've seen couples who are willing to bankrupt themselves and their families in order to gain the moral high ground over the ex-spouse. Is that an argument for or against marriage? Honestly, I'm not sure.
As a married woman, I can definitely say that marriage has affected my relationship in a positive way. Before if a boyfriend acted in a way I didn't like, I could think "f* you, I don't need you, just give me an excuse to leave." There was nothing keeping me there if I didn't want to stay. The problem is, all relationships are difficult at times, and you don't always want to stay. Being married, I have a much healthier respect for the difficult times ... because I understand the stakes that are involved if I allow it to escalate to where divorce is a real possibility. This is just my anecdotal experience, so nobody has to accept it as having any significance at all.
I'm also a lawyer and I can attest to the fact that contracts do not need to be that complicated. Also, the cost of some divorces pretty much equals the cost of enforcing some contracts. It all depends on how far each side is willing to go.
I'm not married. I'm in a long-term committed relationship with my boyfriend of nearly 5 years. (By the way, I really want to know what other terms people use for a long-term committed partner other than boyfriend/girlfriend since those terms don't seem to indicate the full level of committedness that is involved.) We are both very happy where we are in life. We don't feel the need to be "married".
Also, I have seen some long-term committed relationships outside of marriage that are better than some marriages. My mother was married for 10 miserable, horrible years. After struggling to get out of the marriage for nearly 2 years, she was finally able to get out of it. She has now been in her long-term relationship for nearly 12 years. She is more committed to this relationship than she was to her marriage.
I'm pointing out this example to explain that not all people feel as though they can just up and leave their long-term relationships. I understand that some people need that marriage certificate to feel fully committed. I wish that more people could start to understand that other people don't need that marriage certificate.
Original Post by lysistrata:
vicereine - it's a question of perspective and proportion. Obviously, if your husband beats you, that will probably "bug" you and is probably worth getting out of the relationship. If your husband refuses to put fabric softener in the laundry, it may bug you, but is it divorce-worthy? Probably not. My point is that when you are legally committed to the relationship, it makes you discriminate a lot more carefully between annoyances that are divorce-worthy and those that aren't.
but what about before marriage? :)
Like you said no one is perfect. There are things that annoy me about my bf, there are even days that I wonder about exploring other options, but most of the time I don't want anyone else. It's more of an issue while we're separated, but it has popped into my head when together too. Guess I'm wondering if there's someone a little closer to perfect for me. And lately he's been talking on the subject of marriage.
Original Post by aocean:I'm also a lawyer and I can attest to the fact that contracts do not need to be that complicated. Also, the cost of some divorces pretty much equals the cost of enforcing some contracts. It all depends on how far each side is willing to go.
I'm not married. I'm in a long-term committed relationship with my boyfriend of nearly 5 years. (By the way, I really want to know what other terms people use for a long-term committed partner other than boyfriend/girlfriend since those terms don't seem to indicate the full level of committedness that is involved.) We are both very happy where we are in life. We don't feel the need to be "married".
Also, I have seen some long-term committed relationships outside of marriage that are better than some marriages. My mother was married for 10 miserable, horrible years. After struggling to get out of the marriage for nearly 2 years, she was finally able to get out of it. She has now been in her long-term relationship for nearly 12 years. She is more committed to this relationship than she was to her marriage.
I'm pointing out this example to explain that not all people feel as though they can just up and leave their long-term relationships. I understand that some people need that marriage certificate to feel fully committed. I wish that more people could start to understand that other people don't need that marriage certificate.
Exactly. It's a choice, and we no longer live in a time where it is frowned upon to live together. Claiming that a court document strengthens a relationship is hogwash....or a ceremony. If a couple is successful, it would have been so with or without a marriage contract. I find it kind of amusing that a lawyer of all people would be so pro-marriage after seeing what people go through to break up in the courts. It would be easier to just say, "Hey, I am not happy, this isn't working." and pack your stuff instead of dragging your whole relationship out in a courtroom in front of a bunch of strangers and a judge. I suppose if you live in Saudi Arabia being married would be a clincher that you aren't leaving the relationship...okay, if you want to leave, you aren't leaving alive if you are a female. Your husband owns you.
I really do not think that people just casually divorce when they are bored or the relationship isn't going well...it's a very painful thing..any breakup is. Staying in a terrible relationship because you are married is sheer stupidity. Sometimes when it's broken, it's broken.
