Wife/Husband Activity???
I am 46 yrs old ( well 45 will be 46 on the 22 ND). and have been married to the same man for 23 yrs. Well here is my dilemma, We have 4 Daughters, 23, 18, 16, and 7. I have gained a new Interest. When we first got together we enjoyed our alone time, we made love 
often. Well once we started having Kids it became harder to have Mommy/Daddy time. Well now that they are older the 7yr old can go to her sister on weekends, the 16yr old goes away. I want more love making. It seems my husband is not interested. I don't know what I am doing. I have tried everything. I even wrapped myself in saran wrap. Like in that movie, Fried Green Tomatoes. He laughed at me. He says I am a sex-aholic. I got mad and told him that I would find it someplace else. But I really wouldn't. I love my husband. Anyone got any Ideas??? Is there something wrong with me like he says????? O God I hope this isn't menopause.
Thanks Cathy
first of all--it's a big turn off if you say "I would find it some place else" don't say that, specially after 23 years , even if you are kidding. It's not cute at all
Second--have you sat down and talked to him about how your feeling and what your wants/needs are
well I would have said the same thing, but we tease like that a lot.
I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with you!
Maybe do a little investigation of what really pushes his buttons (like maybe the saran wrap was just not the right thing for him) ...
?
i can't believe I'm going to suggest this on a public forum, so I'll try to be as clean as possible...can you "start it yourself" and ask him for help??? you and him may need to find new things to get the works going.
kudos to you for your wonderful marriage and children. It's just a rut. So spice it up a litte. :)
I am sorry if telling him that I would find it someplace else sounded so mean but when you try everything. I have even resorted to walking around the house in my birthday suit and nothing. We still enjoy each others company. We talk for all hours of the night about everything. It just seems like since the girls are not home on the week-ends and we aren't sneaking to do something he just not interested. We go out a few times a month, I end up having a few drinks and i have to attack him and the next day he says you really are a sex-aholic which hurts my feelings.
I have even suggested Viagra, (i even admit I have though about getting a herbal supplement to put in his food but was afraid that if he had an allergic reaction or something I would have to fess up to what I did and I'm not that good at being deceitful).
Thanks Vanessa1031 I will try that.
hmmm.. so this isn't about going for walks or the gym together....
here is what you need to figure out
1. how many times a week do you want it?
2. how many times a week can you live with, even if it's less than you want?
3. how many times a week does he want it?
4. how many times a week can he live with, even if it's more than he wants?
5. compare answers 1 & 2 with answers 3 & 4
6. if compromise can not be reached, seek counseling
it is a cruel irony that men reach their sexual peak around age 20, while women reach theirs around age 40
there's nothing wrong with having a healthy libido, for a husband or a wife. and there's also nothing wrong with having less interest in sex.
as long as these are your true appetites, no medical problems, and nothing emotional/relational being expressed passive-aggressively via behavior, then if you love each other, you'll need to reach a compromise. Neither of you will tolerate being unhappy for the rest of your lives, I assume. Both of you need to lay off with the name-calling (sexaholic) and threats (to find it elsewhere).
Original Post by caclbmc:
I am sorry if telling him that I would find it someplace else sounded so mean but when you try everything. I have even resorted to walking around the house in my birthday suit and nothing. We still enjoy each others company. We talk for all hours of the night about everything. It just seems like since the girls are not home on the week-ends and we aren't sneaking to do something he just not interested. We go out a few times a month, I end up having a few drinks and i have to attack him and the next day he says you really are a sex-aholic which hurts my feelings.
I have even suggested Viagra, (i even admit I have though about getting a herbal supplement to put in his food but was afraid that if he had an allergic reaction or something I would have to fess up to what I did and I'm not that good at being deceitful).
Thanks Vanessa1031 I will try that.
I'm pretty sure viagra only helps get it up (unless he has this problem?), I don't think it increases libido, but I guess I could be wrong. Though maybe if it was up he'd be more interested...hmmm... maybe it's a dominoes effect! :o
I agree with the above posters. There is nothing wrong with you for wanting it, but you shouldn't respond with hurtful comments, even if you've been given one yourself. That won't get you anywhere.
Some things you should try:
1. nomoreexcuses had the right idea. Really pinpoint what you want, what you need (which is different from what you want), and how to get there. Talk it over with your dear hubby at a time when you are both calm, not when you are arguing over it.
2. If "packaging" yourself didn't work, have you tried working on him? Try some foreplay focused on him, if you get what I mean.
3. Get a porno video (I can't beleive I'm actually saying that, but it works for both me and my husband sometimes - He jokes that I must be bi-sexual). There are lots of "couples" books and movies out there. There are also some self-help books for "starting the fire" again.
4. Have you tried having a "honeymoon" weekend, where you actually get a hotel room and do honeymoon things, like bubble baths together?
5. Maybe even something risky, like doing it in the car or in the backyard.
6. Whipped cream is your friend. Use it. On you. On him.
7. We got a game that was a little fun for foreplay. Not something you want to do all the time, but it had spaces for kissing your partner where he wanted to be kissed, staring loveingly into each others eyes for 10 seconds (yeah, I kept laughing), that sort of thing.
I was the one in our marriage who didn't want to do it often (we've been married 12 years). My husband would nag me, and it made me less likely to want to do it. I mean, there's nothing appealing in being told you aren't satisfying your partner's needs. But focusing on what your partner needs to get into the moment works wonders.
Good luck!
there is a natural supplement for male libido and i think its called "maca"
aha, here you go:
My 2 cents:
Communication is the key to which may sound mundane. Try to remember it's important that you express yourself sexually. It's also important to talk to him about his wants/needs sexually In honesty: The saran wrap/nude walks/etc may be things that are actually enticing to you! ...not so much for him.
Once a marriage has been sexless for a long time, it’s very hard to communicate for some people. One or both may be extremely afraid of hurt or rejection. Even angry. Or: Just entirely apathetic to their partner. Some couples haven't been communicating about sex for a very long time (if ever) and have trouble talking about it. Couples who talk over their sex lives (as well as other aspects of their marriages) tend to have healthier marriages,imo. It’s hard to get a couple talking once they’ve established a pattern of non-communication.
There are mixed opinions about what to do to rekindle marital sex. For some couples, it may be as simple as a weekend away from the kids, taking a vacation/cruise. Or: Just having some time off, alone. Others may need help in re-establishing communication and may seek professional assistance. Sex Therapy. It's like sex 101 for couples that need it. :) The sad fact is that there are few counseling professionals that deal with this issue. Often, marriage counselors focus on other aspects, rather than sex. While these other aspects may play a big role in sexual inactivity... talking explicitly about sex is essential.
Confront the issue/topic in a positive and calm way. Just "talk" it out. There is nothing better than good communication. Discussion is the key to opening the door on a problem to negotiation and resolution.
I expect disagreements, but not arguments. If we truly have an argument, then we don't belong together at all. A disagreement may be about something that doesn't require a consensus to move forward. Then I suggest that we agree to disagree, as in "religion and politics," and not try to convert the other person (my own family usually can follow this philosophy). If we must reach a consensus to move forward (and I'm a negotiator by nature -- no temper tantrums), I'm quite willing to negotiate a compromise. It may be by the flip of a coin, or even by my concession to her wishes, with the condition that we reach parity through later compromises. I think it's important for a man and a woman to feel that he or she is being treated fairly under all circumstances. I will do anything within reason to ensure happy relationships. (In general and with my hubby. ) I wouldnt say sex is the most important thing in a relationship, but its a big ++. I would do everything within reason and my power to ensure a healthy sex life. As a married couple you should be able to communicate your needs/wants. I wouldn't stay with someone that wouldn't attempt to help cultivate the change for a healthy/active sex life. That would be a deal breaker for me.
You can rekindle your sex life. :) You just can't do it alone so it's important to start the sex talk so it's a team effort!
Thanks for all you input. I Called my 21 yr old daughter. She is taking my 7 yr old over night, and to school in the morning. My 16 yr old on a sleep-over to study for finals. I have to work till 12am but my friend gave me the Idea to go to the camper tonight and have candles, cheese crackers and wine (beer for him) and just talk about it. printed out these pages will review them and ask him the questions from Nonoreexcuses.
My daughter doesn't know the exact details of whats going on, I only said "your dad doesn't love me anymore He's not attracted to me" I think she has the general Idea as she gave me some Cosmopolitan Magazines and said this may help. I plan on reading them at work.
Anyway I am going to text him and tell him I am in the camper and to be quiet so my Husband does not find out. When he gets out there I am going to tell him that he is the only one I want to be with, so I am making him my boyfriend on the side. Will let you know how it goes.
You told your daughter that he doesn't love you anymore? And now you're going to trick him into weird games to make him like you? I'm sorry, but I see a divorce in your future.
that isn't a weird trick.
My hubby has pulled the "i'm breaking up with you/i'm divorcing you/i have an std from a stripper" gags on april fools day.
we tease about "where you at?" "with my boyfriend gosh quit bothering us!" etc.
Married people have a very very personal and unique relationship dynamic within themselves that only they can understand. All have their own quirks, etc.
The daughter is 21. My mom has said stuff to me too that didn't freak me out that you may feel inappropriate. Its in the delivery, its in the way they say it but don't mean the words that way.
(not saying I know exactly where she is coming from, but I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt - because i know some people would look at some of our ways of communicating and shake their heads, but we know where we're at)
I don't know, I see that approach differently, CrazyDiamond... I just don't see how the OP pretending her husband is her boyfriend on the side will make him more interested in sex. I would think he might find that totally off-putting, especially since she's said she would find sex elsewhere.
It sounds like you both are not threatened by teasing about others which can be a good thing....just be aware that sometimes that might sound like a threat and would actually be a threat if you two didn't feel secure together.
As far as "he doesn't love me anymore" goes, I don't really think that's quite the right description. Perhaps that you two are in more of a friendship only phase than you want to be right now.
My suggestion is that you take a massage course and ask him to be your subject. This will give you and him hands on experience and lots of excuses to be constantly touching without having to worry about miscommunication. Then just tease him until he can't stand it anymore...there's something about not actually touching anything sexually that can be quite a turn on. 
Original Post by purespark:
I don't know, I see that approach differently, CrazyDiamond... I just don't see how the OP pretending her husband is her boyfriend on the side will make him more interested in sex. I would think he might find that totally off-putting, especially since she's said she would find sex elsewhere.
I agree. After what's been said in frustration to him by the OP. That could be adding fuel to a fire depending upon the OP's spouse. I think the intention of the OP to reassure her spouse now is good. That alone would go a lot further without the jokes in my book though. No joke. No quicky. It's more important to talk about the problem,imo.
let's hope the husband isn't armed :/
Mine would have shot first and asked questions later if I had ever even thought of such a thing.
I think it is hard to say either way. People are different, relationships are different. If the OP thinks that is the way to go, well, I hope it works for her. And really, she is the only one to say what is the way to go for her and her relationship.
MY husband would probably get all oppositional and not show up, even if he figured it was a trick, because he refuses to be manipulated (I can't even get sympathy with tears - oh no.) But some guys might like the play-acting.
Good luck, Cathy.
Original Post by caclbmc:
I have to work till 12am but my friend gave me the Idea to go to the camper tonight and have candles, cheese crackers and wine (beer for him) and just talk about it. printed out these pages will review them and ask him the questions from Nonoreexcuses.
...
Anyway I am going to text him and tell him I am in the camper and to be quiet so my Husband does not find out. When he gets out there I am going to tell him that he is the only one I want to be with, so I am making him my boyfriend on the side. Will let you know how it goes.
Do you want to talk about it and maybe start to fix the problem? or do you want to get him to sleep with you this one time?
If you're serious about solving the problem sit him down and discuss the problem. No candles. No booze. No hor'derves.
and no false texts to a supposed other man...just sayin'.
Original Post by kathygator:
and no false texts to a supposed other man...just sayin'.
Mhm. That's happened before I've heard the stories from friends. " My ___ sent a text that said ____. That's how I found out _____. "
