Wife/Husband Activity???

I am 46 yrs old ( well 45 will be 46 on the 22 ND). and have been married to the same man for 23 yrs. Well here is my dilemma, We have 4 Daughters, 23, 18, 16, and 7. I have gained a new Interest. When we first got together we enjoyed our alone time, we made love often. Well once we started having Kids it became harder to have Mommy/Daddy time. Well now that they are older the 7yr old can go to her sister on weekends, the 16yr old goes away. I want more love making. It seems my husband is not interested. I don't know what I am doing. I have tried everything. I even wrapped myself in saran wrap. Like in that movie, Fried Green Tomatoes. He laughed at me. He says I am a sex-aholic. I got mad and told him that I would find it someplace else. But I really wouldn't. I love my husband. Anyone got any Ideas??? Is there something wrong with me like he says????? O God I hope this  isn't menopause.

Thanks Cathy

Original Post by crazydiamondchrysalis:

that isn't a weird trick.

My hubby has pulled the "i'm breaking up with you/i'm divorcing you/i have an std from a stripper" gags on april fools day.

we tease about "where you at?" "with my boyfriend gosh quit bothering us!" etc.

Married people have a very very personal and unique relationship dynamic within themselves that only they can understand. All have their own quirks, etc.

The daughter is 21. My mom has said stuff to me too that didn't freak me out that you may feel inappropriate. Its in the delivery, its in the way they say it but don't mean the words that way.

(not saying I know exactly where she is coming from, but I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt - because i know some people would look at some of our ways of communicating and shake their heads, but we know where we're at)

 agree  - I had the same kind of relationship with my man, but I'm thinking this isn't that.

Original Post by floggingsully:

Original Post by caclbmc:

I have to work till 12am but my friend gave me the Idea to go to the camper tonight and have candles, cheese crackers and wine (beer for him) and just talk about it. printed out these pages will review them and ask him the questions from Nonoreexcuses.

My daughter doesn't know the exact details of whats going on, I only said "your dad doesn't love me anymore He's not attracted to me"  I think she has the general Idea as she gave me some Cosmopolitan Magazines and said this may help. I plan on reading them at work.

Anyway I am going to text him and tell him I am in the camper and to be quiet so my Husband does not find out. When he gets out there I am going to tell him that he is the only one I want to be with, so I am making him my boyfriend on the side. Will let you know how it goes.

Do you want to talk about it and maybe start to fix the problem? or do you want to get him to sleep with you this one time?

If you're serious about solving the problem sit him down and discuss the problem. No candles. No booze. No hor'derves.  

It is difficult to offer advice without knowing how you've been handling your situation and approaching your husband. As I was reading your statement to your daughter, I kept wondering, "Does she ever really tell him how hurt she is about the lack of closeness?" "Does she ever tell him how much she misses him and longs to be close to him physically?" I know you're hurt but from your statement it seems that you've just given up in a sense.  It sounded like you just laid it at the feet of your husband. As his fault and he's to blame for not loving you. The truth is that it's never one persons fault in any relationship. That isn't to say we aren't each accountable for our actions, but still. Most problems within marriages haven't anything to do with love in all honesty. He may need something to spark his sex drive. There's nothing wrong with you and you aren't necessarily unloved either. It's like you're closing the door to honest communication with those beliefs.

Sex isn't the only factor in determining/measuring his love for you. Good marriages are built on good communication. And so often when one spouse is hurt, instead of really discussing these feeling openly, it seeps out as anger. Frustration can lead to angry rants/claims/blame/statements. Think. Reflect. Then act. That way you can detour a lot of the mess people create. Identify the reasons you and your husband are in a bad place and do something together to change things... I suggest that you stop thinking when will be the next time you have sexual intercourse...Instead consider: When will the next time you truly communicated with your husband?

Edit btw: Some women want sex more often than men do,yet are taught by society not to say so. It's not common/or as acceptable for a woman. You may simply have a high sex drive that confuses your dear husband. That could be the reason he's called you a sex addict/sex-oholic because your sex drive surpasses his own. Sometimes we tease/say things to others  as if they're a joke ...when in realty they are partial truths. In which case you may need to consider adding self gratification for yourself. Or: Something to up his or potentially balance yours. Monopause is also known to cause changes your limbido.You may have your/his hormones checked to see where you both fall.

He may seriously be asking his friends:
 "How do you keep her satisfied when my sex drive isn't as high as hers is?"

hmmm, I think eveyone is getting a little overwrought about this. 

Sounds to me like the OP is partly joking around and partly feeling hurt and slighted. 

She was going to lure her husband into the camper so she could talk to him about how she feels is what it sounded like to me.  And if that is neutral ground maybe it's a good idea. It's never a good idea to talk about sex in the bedroom -- there is too much emotion tangled up in there. 

I can sympathize with her.  I've always had a stronger libido than my husband.  His can be very affected by stress at work, or worrying in general.  I learned a long time ago that if he's not in the mood, it becomes a chore for him, and isn't much fun for either of us.  I've also learned to take care of myself.

Also with the kids gone, weekend mornings have become a very fun time at my house.  Wake up cuddles, when he is not already preoccupied by events of the day usually lead to great sex. 

The one thing you have to remember is something it took me a long time to learn.  Lack of sex drive does not mean he loves you any less. 

I noticed that most of the posters have jumped on the woman for suggesting she might get it elsewhere and for playing a trick on her.

I have also noticed that few if any posters have jumped on the husband for insisting there is something wrong with her for wanting sex.

The husband may have a low libido or just lower than his wife's. He may have a problem with erectile dysfunction that he may not want to address. The wife also mentioned that since they aren't sneaking around anymore to have sex that maybe he isn't as interested. This is also a possibility. Perhaps the husband needs the intrigue of avoiding the kids to get in the mood.

Calcbmc - there is nothing wrong with you for having a strong sex drive. You must also talk to your husband and let him know you can't live without sex. You need to find a non-confrontational way to do so. 

I do agree with you, Mooni - part of the OP was a question about whether something is wrong with wanting to have sex more than one's spouse.  The answer is, No, there's nothing wrong with that, but there are ways to make the discrepancy between sex drives less of an issue.  Most everyone seems to agree that open, frank, caring communication is the way to go - not manipulation.

OMG - you are a "spring chicken" LOL - WAY too young to give up sex!  How is hubby's health? b/p -does he takes meds? , weight?  general happiness level? job stress?

My hubby is 69 and I'm 60 - we have the best, most exciting sex I could ever imagine.  We "play" on the couch, tease,  make up fantasies,  give each other warm oil massages,  go naked,  experiment...I could go on and on....(gee, now CC knows all about me!)    Anyway...talk to him honestly - tell him your needs - but be kind!  Men have such touchy egos.  You might get some real surprises if you share some of your fantasies with him....and ask what his are...of course.

Best of luck!

Menopause usually results in a lowered sex drive so you are probably safe there.

One of the best aphrodisiacs for older people is exercise.  Stress and poor physical conditioning depress the sex drive.  Exercise improves the cardiovascularsystem and raises testosterone levels.  Now with the current problems you two are having, it probably isn't a good idea to tell him he needs to work out so he can have enough energy to satisfy you, but you might get him to consider it for general health reasons.  Find non-sex related, physical activities for the two of you to do.  Get out and have fun.  As others have said, pressuring him for sex is a sure turn off.  Instead, get him to relax and have a good time.

Original Post by clharr:

Menopause usually results in a lowered sex drive so you are probably safe there.

One of the best aphrodisiacs for older people is exercise.  Stress and poor physical conditioning depress the sex drive.  Exercise improves the cardiovascularsystem and raises testosterone levels.  Now with the current problems you two are having, it probably isn't a good idea to tell him he needs to work out so he can have enough energy to satisfy you, but you might get him to consider it for general health reasons.  Find non-sex related, physical activities for the two of you to do.  Get out and have fun.  As others have said, pressuring him for sex is a sure turn off.  Instead, get him to relax and have a good time.

I just meant that menopause is known to cause changes in your libido. All Menopausal women do not experience a decrease in sexual desire. Some women claim to have wanted it far more.( My mom is one of these women that said it increased. She says she actually wants and finds it more pleasurable now. She only thought she was in her prime when she was younger. Lol ) Some post menopausal women have an increase in sexual satisfaction/desire. It could be due to the decreased anxiety that's associated with fear of pregnancy. Plus: I imagine most post menopausal women often have fewer child rearing responsibilities. That allows them to relax and enjoy intimacy with their partners more. There's more time available for them to act on impulses again. Either way: It's good to know where you both stand hormonally if that could be the issue.

Original Post by glamgram:

OMG - you are a "spring chicken" LOL - WAY too young to give up sex!  How is hubby's health? b/p -does he takes meds? , weight?  general happiness level? job stress?

My hubby is 69 and I'm 60 - we have the best, most exciting sex I could ever imagine.  We "play" on the couch, tease,  make up fantasies,  give each other warm oil massages,  go naked,  experiment...I could go on and on....(gee, now CC knows all about me!)    Anyway...talk to him honestly - tell him your needs - but be kind!  Men have such touchy egos.  You might get some real surprises if you share some of your fantasies with him....and ask what his are...of course.

Best of luck!

I agree. That's awesome, Glamgrams.  It's great to hear about couples that are still enjoying each other like that. I second the:' Be kind! ' part. Lol. Sex can be a touchy/sensitive subject when you aren't having it. imo. Some people don't share fantasies because they fear of what the other person will think.

Be fearless together! ( Sexploration is a good thing. ) Good luck.

Original Post by glamgram:

OMG - you are a "spring chicken" LOL - WAY too young to give up sex!  How is hubby's health? b/p -does he takes meds? , weight?  general happiness level? job stress?

My hubby is 69 and I'm 60 - we have the best, most exciting sex I could ever imagine.  We "play" on the couch, tease,  make up fantasies,  give each other warm oil massages,  go naked,  experiment...I could go on and on....(gee, now CC knows all about me!)    Anyway...talk to him honestly - tell him your needs - but be kind!  Men have such touchy egos.  You might get some real surprises if you share some of your fantasies with him....and ask what his are...of course.

Best of luck!

My hubby fairly healthy 59yrs, he has slightly high blood pressure, but refuses to take medication, he has  watches his sodium intake. He is 6"2 and weights 210 not really over weight mostly muscle with a small belly. He seems to be alot less happier lately, think he may have some issues with the girls moving out and alot on his mind. Our 18 yr old moved out 2 months ago and it was not on good terms. Which is a long story. At work he not anymore stressed then he ever was.

See that's the part that I don't get. When the kids are around we always find time or a spot, We go out in the woods, drive behind the corn lot, lock our selves in the bathroom.  We talked about our fantasies. It's just since the kids aren't home that he started to avoid it, falls asleep on the couch, gets up early and mows the lawn.  And I have told him that I wanted more cuddling and intimacy with him. Or just plain time Walk in the park, out to dinner, like we use to. We use to seek time in at least 2-3 times a week now it's like once a month.

I read these posts and the cosmo books from my daughter and I texted him tonight. I started out by asking him the usual questions How was work??? Did he get his dinner I made?? Etc. Then I told him that I missed him and what i missed. It took him a few minutes to answer me so I thought opps made  a mistake. Well he was taking a shower. He replied with "I know I have been taking you for granted" and some other mussy stuff.  Then he said he was going to take a nap to text him when I left work ( he has to work at 6am). I asked him if he wanted to meet in the camper and he said sounds like a plan.

Karozel- I think the camper is a good Idea, only because it's neutral and will be easier to talk and if it leads into an intimate evening all the better. I haven't tricked him cause i told him we have to talk.

Oh the telling my daughter that "he doesn't love me because he not attracted to me" was emotional upset, a sudden break down, I called her back and appoligized and told her I know that he loves me I just lost my mind for a few minutes, She said she understood and knew that I was having a pms mom moment or menopausal moment, that there was no need to appoligize. She said she knew there was some tention between us and was assuming it was sexual but not sure on who's part or details. Kids know everything. That's why she invited her sister to spend the night and gave me the  books. 

My 2 cents - go and schedule some time with a professional marriage counselor.  There has been some things that have been said (either in frustration or anger) you need to seriously spend the few dollars and talk with a counselor.

Original Post by dave98z3:

My 2 cents - go and schedule some time with a professional marriage counselor.  There has been some things that have been said (either in frustration or anger) you need to seriously spend the few dollars and talk with a counselor.

 I agree - he might open up more if he's paying someone to listen.

Sounds like an excellent start Cacl-B.

Honest. Non-confrontational. Focusing on how you feel, not on him. And a plan to get down to business.

Thanks for checking back in and letting us know what you decided. A lot of times people post problems and questions and we never hear what they decided. :)

Original Post by crazydiamondchrysalis:

that isn't a weird trick.

My hubby has pulled the "i'm breaking up with you/i'm divorcing you/i have an std from a stripper" gags on april fools day.

we tease about "where you at?" "with my boyfriend gosh quit bothering us!" etc.

Married people have a very very personal and unique relationship dynamic within themselves that only they can understand. All have their own quirks, etc.

The daughter is 21. My mom has said stuff to me too that didn't freak me out that you may feel inappropriate. Its in the delivery, its in the way they say it but don't mean the words that way.

(not saying I know exactly where she is coming from, but I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt - because i know some people would look at some of our ways of communicating and shake their heads, but we know where we're at)

I'm so so so glad you said this....because it's very true...NEVER judge what people say in THEIR marriage, because 90% of the time it's a unique bond, and they have a unique way of talking to each other.  I talk about my wife's imaginary boyfriend all the time. 

anyway...lets get down to business...I'm not one for beating around the bush so...I'll get right into it, because i'm an adult...and i'm sure we can all handle this without being shy. 

Let's be real....most men...you can't talk to them...if he is the type you can talk to...then by all means go ahead and talk...still might not get you anywhere.  My girls sex drive went down the moment I gave her the damn ring...lol, but I'm no fool, and i know exactly what to do to get her where i want her.  I know when she comes home so sometimes I would get home before her, and I would do her chores, and when she walks through the door...I'd be hiding behind it, and attack dat ass like there is no tomorrow, and when she gave me the: "Wait I have to clean or do the dishes"....I would reply: " The dishes are done...everything is done...except you". 

Spice it up boo boo....you got one to live...sometimes I would just pick her up...throw her on the couch, and get on my knees for 40 minutes to get a taste of that flower, and then just leave to go to the gym...lol...and when I come back...you better believe she's in the mood.  Doing sexual things to your partner...then just leaving them without warning gets them extremely horny most of the time. (we do it about 3 times during the week, and about 6 times a day on the weekends…so that about 15 times per week…lol)

I've learned that there are certain spots on a woman's body you can touch that would make her look like she's going through a seizure...lol...but theses are the things you have to find out about your lover.  The same goes for guys.  Women...you HAVE to HAVE to find out what makes your man shudder. 

Yeah all women know how to open their legs and make a guys eyes go GAGA, but you try that crap with me...I'll tell you to put your clothes back on (unless you're Jessica Beil).   Be spontaneous.  Unzip his pants during a commercial, and get to work...when the commercials are over let him watch the game...I guarantee you his mind won't totally be on the game anymore. 

Don't ASK men to have sex with you...go and GET YOUr Sugar Honey Iced Tea.

A little insight....As we (MEN) get older...more passion/foreplay must be had.  Gone are the days where you say HERE I AM COME FU$% ME.   You can go for counseling, but I don't see how that would help for such a small problem like this.  In my opinion...you have to bring your "A" game to your man...and let his ass know who is in charge...

GET SOME PUNK!!!!!!

Caclbmc, I hope things went well last night.  Sounds to me like overall you and your husband have a good relationship.  Just not going the way you want right now.

Maybe the talking will help out. 

^5 eddiepotter

There's so much more to it than just showing up for both parties!

ya, i got some good ideas from eddiep. :D

Original Post by crazydiamondchrysalis:

ya, i got some good ideas from eddiep. :D

 lol....

just keepin it real....I loooooove sex....it's the one thing that i can say I could easily turn pro in if it was a sport.  I'd be the Kobe Bryant of Gettin' some...lol.

Well - Wow.  EddieP sure did provide some food for thought.  Hmm. 

There are a couple things he said that I do agree with:  Most men don't really "talk through it" - perhaps your husband is different.  My husband is the most awesome person in the world... sensitive, thoughtful, loving - but really not a talker when it comes to his feelings/emotions/stressors, etc.

I think whether he admits it or whether you can see it, it's possible your husband is going through something.  Maybe it's stress at work, maybe it's stress about the economy/finances/paying for college, maybe it's about you and that he can't keep up with your sex drive, maybe it's about his relationship with your daughter... anything.  The way you describe it it's a sudden change, and that sounds to me like a "new stressor". Stress is not an aphrodisiac.

If this is the case, maybe he wants to talk about it - maybe he doesn't.  Maybe he never will and he'll just get over it on his own with time.  I do know that (most) men (and most people) hate to be annoyed to death by someone asking "what's wrong?".

My husband and I have been together for 10 years.  Sometimes we're both too stressed out and tired to get it on.  And sometimes that leads to a slump.  And then it's kind of a chore for either of us to get back on the proverbial horse, but once we do, we remember how great it is and we want more and we just do it more. 

I've once gone down the road of "if you don't give it to me I'll get it elsewhere" - I was joking too... he didn't think it was funny.  At All.  And it didn't exactly get him in the mood, either.  I think another poster echoed this.  I am very sorry I said that and will never say it again... I never meant it and hearing it back to myself does sound cruel.

It could just be a slump and you just need to get back on the horse again.  I hope the camper experiment works, but I'd be a little more kind than to do the "My Husband is Away and You're my BF" thing (sorry, I had to say it) - it's objectifying, and in a way could send a message that you really don't want to do it with him, you're looking for it from anyone, and you're fantasizing he's someone else - hope that makes sense.  I just know how I'd feel if I was the one withholding for whatever reason, and then my husband was role playing like I was "someone else".  Not good.

I also think counseling is a fabulous thing if the slump is unbreakable/been going on for a LONG time.  Given the (usual) male pattern of not being into talking very much, it might be difficult to convince to go... keep in mind, he might need a little alone time with the counselor too.  If it's a bigger issue than just a slump, it's something he'll need to work through before you can be back to normal.

I hope it all works out.  Intimacy is a big part of closeness in a relationship.  Sometimes just cuddling is enough... sometimes not... but either way, it's necessary.

Best,

~terra

you want the nitty gritty?...here is the bottom line.  Men are freaking lazy....(yeah whatever...we are).  We like to be "Chased” at times....as a man gets older he feels like he's not really "the hot shizzle on the market".  So it's up to you women to make him feel like he is still hot stuff. 

Let him catch you on the couch watching porn....he might join you.  Let him catch you doing a sexual act by yourself, and when he does catch you…don’t stop…keep going…as a matter of fact ask him to help you…and as soon as he comes near….rip his clothes off, and man handle him like he’s a little ****.  (sounds silly, but I’ve studied so much about sex and the human way.)  Or just do your own thing in the corner out of nowhere, and you will be surprised when you spark his interest.  If you want sex from your guy...you have to stimulate his sexual EGO.  HA...what the “F” is that?....men have two ego's the normal one that speaks for itself, and the sexual one....make him feel bad ass...make him feel like a champ.

Here is one clue....if you are ever doing oral sex...about ten minutes into it (because this is when sensitivity is really high) take your fingernails, and gently run them across his hip-Flexor/pelvic/pubic area...he might shake uncontrollably...might even "FINISH"....if you know what I mean.  It’s very sensual.  Tease as much as you can…make him feel like he’s the man, then when he wants’ it most deny him access for like 1 minute…just so he can pursue you, and it will make him feel like a Ninja warrior wearing a Viking hat and a Little league Chest Protector.